Jokes Message Board

  • View author's info Posted on Mar 18, 2005 at 06:26 AM

    Hahahahaha... good one, lioncourt... ;)
  • 880Comments

  • View author's info Posted on Oct 10, 2006 at 04:31 PM

    Two women who had been friends for years decide to go for a girls night out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic about the cocktails.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard, and one of them
    suggested they take care of business behind aheadstone.

    The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it. Luckily, she salvaged a large ribbon from a
    wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

    The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

    "That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came home, passed out on the bed and had a card stuck to her ass that said: FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
  • View author's info Posted on Oct 06, 2006 at 03:46 AM

    During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
    I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
    The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
    54 times the sheets were clean
    17 times it was too late
    49 times you were too tired
    20 times it was too hot
    15 times you pretended to be sleep
    22 times you had a headache
    17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
    16 times you said you were too sore
    12 times it was the wrong time of the month
    19 times you had to get up early
    9 times you said weren't in the mood
    7 times you were sunburned
    6 times you were watching the late show
    5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
    3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
    9 times you said your mother would hear us

    Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
    6 times you just laid there
    8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
    4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
    7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
    1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

    I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

    5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
    36 times you did not come home at all
    21 times you didn't cum
    33 times you came too soon
    19 times you went soft before you got in
    38 times you worked too late
    10 times you got cramps in your toes
    29 times you had to get up early to play golf
    2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
    4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
    3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
    2 times you had a splinter in your finger
    20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
    6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
    98 times you were too busy watching TV

    Of the times we did get together:

    The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
    I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
    The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 09, 2006 at 10:37 AM

    Gold Urinal

    Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

    After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his bathroom.

    Clinton offered George the use of his personal toilet off the oval office. George was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

    That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

    "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too, but I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

    Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

    That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill....

    "I found out who pis*sed in your saxophone."
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 09:43 PM

    Groucho quotes

    I wish you?d keep my hands to yourself.

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

    I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.

    I hope they bury me near a strait man.

    Humor is reason gone mad.

    I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

    Whatever it is I'm against it.

    When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".

    When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

    Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

    Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

    Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

    With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.

    Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

    Women should be obscene and not heard.
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 09:40 PM

    more Groucho

    Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

    Hello, I must be going.

    Behind every successful man is a woman? Behind her is his wife.

    A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

    I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.

    I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

    I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

    Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

    Marriage is wonderful institution... if, of course, you like living in an institution.

    Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 02:12 PM

    A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 360,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

    The brunette suggested, ?There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.?

    ?That doesn't matter at all,? replied the blonde. ?All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.?

    ?Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde, ?Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the mileage counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car.?

    The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

    About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, ?Did you sell your car??

    ?No!? replied the blonde. ?Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.?
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 01, 2006 at 11:38 AM

    Story with a Moral

    In 1923, Who Was:

    1. President of the largest steel company?

    2. President of the largest gas company?

    3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

    4. Greatest wheat speculator?

    5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

    6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

    These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.


    80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

    The Answers:

    1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

    2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

    3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

    4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

    5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

    6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.


    in that same year,1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

    What became of him?

    He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

    The Moral:

    Screw work. Play golf.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 27, 2006 at 10:48 PM

    Da Vinci Code Revealed
    Religious Conspiracy? Finally, the truth about the Da Vinci Code!
    A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

    It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

    The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. After months of conferences, they held a huge meeting to discuss the meaning of the markings.

    The President of the society pointed to the first drawing and said, ?This is a woman. We can judge that their culture was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey - so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.?

    ?Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.?

    The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, ?Idiots - Hebrew is read from right to left... It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The As*s On That Chick.' ?

    Members Only

  • View author's info Posted on Aug 16, 2006 at 09:52 PM

    Never piss off a cowboy's wife

    A Wyoming Cowboy's wife came home just in time to
    find her husband in bed with another woman.

    With super-human strength, born of fury and cutting calves, she
    dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of
    the barn.

    She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and
    removed the handle.

    Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
    The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop!

    You're not going to cut it off with that rusty damn saw are you?"

    The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 16, 2006 at 09:50 PM

    Mating Habits

    A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

    They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

    They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, incapital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

    The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

    NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he is expected to make a full recovery.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 16, 2006 at 09:49 PM

    17 Favorite Country & Western Tunes

    17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
    16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long
    15. If I Can't Be Number 1 In Your Life, Then Number 2 On You
    14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
    13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
    12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
    11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
    10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
    9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
    8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
    7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
    6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
    5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
    4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
    3. Her Tooth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
    2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
    And the Number One song is:
    1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 16, 2006 at 12:33 PM

    Good : Your wife is pregnant.
    Bad : It's triplets.
    Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

    Good : Your wife's not talking to you
    Bad : She wants a divorce.
    Ugly : She's a lawyer.

    Good : Your son is finally maturing.
    Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
    Ugly : So are you.

    Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
    Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
    Ugly : You're in them.

    Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
    Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
    Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

    Good : Your husband understands fashion.
    Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
    Ugly : He looks better than you.

    Good :You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your
    Bad : She keeps interrupting.
    Ugly : With corrections

    Good : Your son is dating someone new.
    Bad : It's another man.
    Ugly : He' yor best friend.

    Good : Your daughter got a new job.
    Bad : As a hooker.
    Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
    Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 16, 2006 at 12:21 AM

    "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce."
    -Mark Twain

    24/7 Tech Support I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

    Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . . .

    Airline Attendant I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now First," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

    Pizza Parlor While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

    He thought about it for some time before responding, "just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6!"

    Stockbroker Funnies Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

    Hey TripleS nice one, you're raising the bar..
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 14, 2006 at 08:47 PM

    Who says you cannot potty train a man (click on the photo):

    Members Only

  • View author's info Posted on Aug 13, 2006 at 01:56 AM

    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

    Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room."

    So, she did.

    Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."

    Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

    Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 13, 2006 at 01:54 AM

    A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.

    The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya
    ll from?"

    The Northern girl turned her nose up, and said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

    The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya
    ll from, bit*ch?"
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 13, 2006 at 01:35 AM

    A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

    The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

    The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."

    The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

    The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

    The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

    The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

    The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

    The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

    The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

    The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

    The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

    The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

    Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 13, 2006 at 01:31 AM

    its a oldie, but maybe some haven't seen it.

    Blonde Coworker

    I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

    I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers, a blonde, came in and asked me what I'm doing.

    "Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

    A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

    "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

    "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

    With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My blonde coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

    "I can't work in the dark," she said.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 13, 2006 at 01:28 AM

    A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

    She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

    The clerk says, "What denomination?"

    The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

    Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.