Two women who had been friends for years decide to go for a girls night out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic about the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard, and one of them suggested they take care of business behind aheadstone.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it. Luckily, she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came home, passed out on the bed and had a card stuck to her ass that said: FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his bathroom.
Clinton offered George the use of his personal toilet off the oval office. George was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too, but I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill....
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 360,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, ?There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.?
?That doesn't matter at all,? replied the blonde. ?All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.?
?Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde, ?Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the mileage counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car.?
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, ?Did you sell your car??
?No!? replied the blonde. ?Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.?
Da Vinci Code Revealed Religious Conspiracy? Finally, the truth about the Da Vinci Code! A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. After months of conferences, they held a huge meeting to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to the first drawing and said, ?This is a woman. We can judge that their culture was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey - so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.?
?Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.?
The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, ?Idiots - Hebrew is read from right to left... It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The As*s On That Chick.' ?
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, incapital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he is expected to make a full recovery.
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine 16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long 15. If I Can't Be Number 1 In Your Life, Then Number 2 On You 14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now 6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him 5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. Her Tooth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer And the Number One song is: 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce." -Mark Twain
24/7 Tech Support I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . . .
Airline Attendant I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now First," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
Pizza Parlor While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding, "just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6!"
Stockbroker Funnies Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room."
So, she did.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers, a blonde, came in and asked me what I'm doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My blonde coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.