can someone tell me why without being hurtfull Interracial Relationship

  • View author's info Posted on Dec 20, 2010 at 06:53 AM

  • 37Comments

  • View author's info Posted on Mar 03, 2016 at 08:09 AM

    First, let me state that I have dated multiple black women, as well as white women.   For me skin color and other racial issues are not that important. 


    I think the main reason black women have a harder time dating than black men is the same reason why asian men have a harder time dating than asian women.  Similar reasons why short women have no issues dating, while short men have a lot of issues.  And why overweight men have fewer problems dating than overweight women.


    It's mostly about stereotypes and expectations, and the cultural definitions of attractiveness.


    For men, our culture expects power, status, strength, money.    Black men have a stereotype of being dangerous, that plays into he strength and power cultural expectation.  Asian men have a stereotype of beingpolite and short, short men are by definition short. 


    For women, our culture expects thinness, youth, submission, and certain physical characteristics.   Here the dangerous is a negative, rather than a positive.   While black women do get certain advantages with regards to fuller lips and 'booty", there are issues with regards to hair (which Chris Rock explained very well in his Good Hair documentary), and the wider nose. 


    Asian women on the other hand have a stereotype of submission, along with what Chris Rock would call "Good Hair", as well as a traditional diet that encourages thinness.   


  • View author's info Posted on Feb 16, 2016 at 07:29 PM

    Quoting author:

    why is it so easy for black men to date outside there race and dont care about looks weight just as long as she is white or any other race than black but when it comes to white men dating black women its few and very far between. Its as if black women are shunned by black,white and asian men

    I can't believe this still exists in 2016. Like seriously, some of you men and women need to read a book and stop letting your past affect your future (i.e., in terms of dating). Having said that, I'm going to break things down for you all (e.g., as I have little hope for my generation).


    First things first, a lot of it depends on your demographics and the populated area you live in (e.g. as there's sub-cultures within a culture, sub-groups within groups, and every day household & community dynamics that plays a factor). Secondly, it also depends on the region you live in the United States; including, but not limited to, the globe. Other than that, those are the two most critically primary factors ... you have to consider. Whereas, advice about (1) How do white men dress vs. black men? (2) How do white men work vs. black men? and (3) How do white men love vs. black men as they're all relative and subjective. Because let's be honest (e.g., as humans) you know "there are white men that want to be black" or "black men that want to be white" and many other nuances and stigmas "that society creates". 


    And so, with that being said, it's the same reason why I don't attract a lot of black girls and/or black women out here in Washington, DC. And if and when I do? It's because they see the materialistic possessions I own, the way I carry myself, and the tailored suits I walk around in daily. And although I understand "why they're looking at me with their girlfriends" ... their behavior turns me off. Why? Because I rather have them look at me as a normal legitimate guy with character ... than a meal ticket or "trophy status boyfriend". Like seriously, that's freaking pathetic as I thought when I turned 28 years old, I would find myself around adults ... versus teenagers (e.g., which is why I'm on here).


    And although I understand the dynamics and problems of "Modern Day Black Diaspora" ... quite frankly I really don't care as the majority of our community looks for excuses and handouts ... vs. lacing their own bootstraps and being responsible. Like ... we all know The Titanic sunk, we all know there were Jews aboard, and we all know the majority of them were poor, marginalized, and disenfranchised - just like African and/or Black Americans, and yet, each one of them struggled to survive "North Atlantic Winter Waters" ... only to migrate to New York City; congregate; and pull themselves upunder the ideology of being community-centric. And so to a guy like me ... I don't see race ... I don't see color ... I don't see religion ... but character. I mean literally a girl or woman can be purple Gumby for all I care. If she's in sync with me and the things I like? Guess what? I'm in sync with her.


    PS. So basically what I'm telling you Cokeohnut1 is to get up and move. If you want results, you got to take risks. Why? Because being complacent, kills your opportunity. Good Luck!

  • View author's info Posted on Feb 16, 2016 at 07:27 PM

    Thank you JewishGuy1980 from your fellow Jewish Guy born in the late 80s. And yes, I agree the PG Wagon is ruining our nation and many others.

  • View author's info Posted on Jan 14, 2016 at 06:33 PM

    It shouldn't even be referred to as interracial dating...that begins the prejudice.  Why not just see it as two people who find each other attractive and that's it; "radical" idea I know.  Time to quit the politically correct bullshit labelling in our society.

  • View author's info Posted on Sep 29, 2014 at 10:49 AM

    Maybe women seem more cautious than men? Or have more social conditioning imposed upon them?


    I've heard quite a bit of stereotypical reasons as to why women (or men) don't date outside their race (which as someone earlier pointed out "race" is a complete misnomer).


    Plus it also has to do with physical attraction and preference.


    My first husband was not surprizingly, a Scottish bloke.

    Second long term relationship a man from Barbados.


    Both equally statisfying, yet in different ways.


    I did get a lot of scrutiny from both men and women regarding the second relationship.

    I heard phrases like: You're stealing our men. People shouldn't mix. Think about the kids (we didn't have any!). It's not natural. He just wants your money. etc. etc.

    Ridiculous, really.


    Some people are uncomfortable with change, lack education and are socially conditioned in very restrictive ways. I also recognize freedom of choice is much harder in some regions that in others.


    In Canada, interracial relationships are everywhere. Not just so-called "black" and "white" either. A whole array of intermingling going on. Quite progressive.


    I must also say, it's important for us as individuals to intermingle on a human level as well.

    To work, live and socialize outside our comfort zones or mirrored selves.

    I think by doing so, we are less likely to judge the personal choices of others.


    Whoever said racism has more to do with sexism and classism is bang on!


  • View author's info Posted on Sep 22, 2014 at 08:46 PM

    For me, this is a complex question. I have been married twice for a combined 23 years. My first wife is black and my second wife is white. I remain close to my second wife and not close at all to my first wife, even though my first wife is the mother of my two sons. As a black man, I candidly say the distinction is not because of race. But if we want to extrapolate for a moment, I believe the reason why black women may have a harder time diversifying than black men is the distinction in tastes between the races. Many black men love curvier women...more so than their white counterparts. Many black women are curvier than their white counterparts. Taste buds matter. The more important distinction though has to do with how black women relate to their men versus their white counterparts. Betty Friedan wrote an important book called "The Feminine Mystique", which addressed the struggle of women (mostly white) who returned to the home after their men returned from WWII. Women of the 1950's accepted their role as homemakers regardless of the deep pain it caused. Jim Crow of Antebellum America created a condition in the African American family where more often than not black woman were both father and mother. The less expected consequence of integration and civil rights was the return of black men to the tradition black family. By the 1980's, many black women had chosen not to go quietly into the kitchen. The struggle for leadership of the modern black family has been chronicled many times in popular literature, movies, etc. Many black women won these battles but lost the war as black men sought families elsewhere. And as the story goes, the best and brightest black men had the most options to diversify. 

  • View author's info Posted on Jun 14, 2014 at 01:20 PM

    He has a point!!

  • View author's info Posted on Oct 06, 2012 at 02:35 PM

    I don't seem to be having an issue with being looked over because of my race. I get more likes and chats from more white men than black men. I beleive men are attracted to women who show a softer personality and sometimes I think some of us black women may seem to be too agressive.
  • View author's info Posted on Oct 05, 2012 at 05:32 PM

    Superior, you're dead on and several of us have pointed these very things out as reasons why black women are, as you say, "get the short end."
  • View author's info Posted on Oct 04, 2012 at 02:35 AM

    Whether or not the term "race" has any actual biological significance, it still has real CULTURAL consequences on how we interact with each other on a day to day basis. As to the original poster's question; I honestly think sexism is more of the issue than racism. Let's face it, women are commodified to a certain extent in our culture, and men's psyches are deeply effected by this. Anyone who denies that black women, as a whole, get the short-end of the dating stick in the USA need to look at statistics. It is an issue of both supply and demand. Black women often times do not make themselves available to elgible bachelors of other races i.e. I have alot of friends who won't "dip in the other pot" for various reasons, most of them ridiculous, but some of them very real (the preservation of the black family structure). But there is also a demand issue--black women's natural hair, complexion and curves can be rejected by some circles. So unless she chooses to change these things (nothing wrong with either choice), even the most poised black woman might be passed up by elgible bachelors.
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 30, 2012 at 03:38 PM

    Quoting author: people make it so complex!!! I have no idea where you meet the individuals some of you reference in your stories!!! All I'm reading are stereotypes!!! First of all GET RID OF THE TERM RACE!! There's only one RACE and that's the HUMAN RACE!!! Secondly, some of you make it sound as if others are different SPECIES!!!
     PLEASE  stand-up, walk away from the computer, grab your keys and leave the house. Take time to enjoy the wonderful variant human flowers in Gods' great garden!!

    Wow Devawn, why are you upset?  I think everyone handled the topic with honesty, sensitvity and a great deal of respect. 

    Was there something specific that bothered you beside the very common use of "races" which was used minimally?
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 11, 2012 at 05:19 PM people make it so complex!!! I have no idea where you meet the individuals some of you reference in your stories!!! All I'm reading are stereotypes!!! First of all GET RID OF THE TERM RACE!! There's only one RACE and that's the HUMAN RACE!!! Secondly, some of you make it sound as if others are different SPECIES!!!
     PLEASE  stand-up, walk away from the computer, grab your keys and leave the house. Take time to enjoy the wonderful variant human flowers in Gods' great garden!!
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 06, 2012 at 05:17 PM

    I've avoided this thread for quite a while... maybe the rum/cokes have numbed my judgment... so, here goes:

    My first love was a black woman.  This was 30+ years ago and the racial prejudice of her father killed the relationship.  Since then, I have dated several black women and been asked out by dozens more and here's my experience:

    Attraction is a funny thing.  I like brunettes more than blondes, prefer brown eyes over blue, like darker skin over pasty white.  For instance, I do well with latinas but not asians and I'm certainly not attracted to all women (I generally don't find round faces attractive).  I would date Hallie Berry long before I'd date Rosanne Barr.

    I get asked out by black women quite often and many times, they are physically too heavy for me and/or they simply are not groomed to the level that would fit within my work and social circles.  The reality is, I would turn down any woman for these same reasons... but if I have to buck trends, I'm going to have a good reason for doing so.

    The intellectual attraction is often easier to resolve, a woman either is educated (formal or self) and intelligent or she's not (educated doesn't mean intelligent).  I meld best with someone who is intelligent, speaks well and has a good thought process... same applies to all colors/races.

    The heart is next and I get along best with women who are strong but not pushy... they don't let me push them nor do they push me, things are handled with kindness, compassion and in a loving way... this is hard to find no matter what the skin color but I find few black women fit well with me, they tend to be extremely pushy and agressive (grabbing my phone to see who I'm talking to - I don't take that crap from anyone)... far beyond what I would ever see in a white woman or a hispanic.

    When you happen to find someone who meets the above criteria, then you have to date them.  As luckysteve pointed out, you have the cultural acceptance issues and oddly enough, my experience tells me that the black culture has a bigger problem with interracial dating than the white culture.

    I have had black men walk up to the table and tell my date "if you want to date a real man, drop this honky and come with me" (no shit, happend at a jazz bar in Atlanta in a primarlily white and upscale section of town).  I have had black women walk up and raise hell at my date for betraying their own race.  Obviously it takes strength to handle these situations and most black women I've dated crumble under the pressure... never during the confrontation but at the end of the date or the next call... had a black trial attorney tell me she couldn't deal with the public pressure.

    There have been numerous studies done on this topic and a couple of us have referenced those studies in other posts.  Bottom line is that for attraction to occur, cultural differences between the races must be minimized... this includes dress, language and behavior (trust me, an ebonics based email will NOT get an answer from me no more than a white girl using text speak - u no wht I mn?).

    Bottom line is, it's hard to date interracially and if it's going to be hard then it's got to be worth it...  I suspect most black women on here are encountering this same mindset.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 05, 2012 at 01:40 PM

    Black women are generally intimidating, especially the successful one's. Being outspoken can be percieved as aggressive. Men still like to chase but a woman's response or demeanour is easily felt. Just be feminine when being admired or chased.
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 04, 2012 at 09:20 AM

    Quoting author:

    Cokeohnut, it's nice that you notice a disparity so maybe that means that there are personality issues that seem to be holding some black women back. If you're frustrated trying to seek an interracial relationship, consider really looking at yourself and picturing the kind of man you want who is non-black. You clearly have a taste for sophisticated men since you're on this site, so do you think your style reflects the kind of man you want to attract? I recommend double checking. I do it too, to ensure that I am on the right track and to learn how to reflect my taste and personality more effectively. Do some research on looking elegant and polished and see how your image falls in line with what's recommended by style and image experts. I can tell you that weight loss should be a priority. I have lost weight too. Nothing you want will come without hard work, flebility to change, and a smart strategy. I would get a book on good ettiquette to ensure I'm hitting the mark on what's appropriate, especially for higher society culture.  Non-verbal behavior is half the battle the other half is based on the physical. Master both and the world will be your oyster.

    Excellent response Lotus.  In short, you have to "be", what you "want".
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 03, 2012 at 01:14 AM

    why is it so easy for black men to date outside there race and dont care about looks weight just as long as she is white or any other race than black but when it comes to white men dating black women its few and very far between. Its as if black women are shunned by black,white and asian men
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 10, 2012 at 03:37 PM

    Well, don't move to Southern California, because you would really be disappointed. These men here want arm candy Barbies, and it doesn't matter the race as long as the woman is thin.
    Blame it on television, fashion, and just plain old cultural differences. Thick black women have been seriously stereotyped in American culture as being aggressive. It's not true, but I still think some view it as the woman will be difficult and there will be constant drama. I think the person above had it right. Black men just love women and are not afraid to date a woman because of weight. Vogue, Vanity Fair, Cosmo, etc. promote being thin. White guys have grown up with a different view of weight since white women worry more about their butts being big and whether or not they have gained too much weight. Black women embrace the weight and white women do not. I could be wrong but this is what I have noticed living in a community that is about 85% white in the most vanity loving region of the country.
  • View author's info Posted on Jun 06, 2012 at 10:31 AM

    I would second the comment that it is different in the UK. Though the UK till has quite a set class system.  So it is not so much races wont date out of their race.  Its often that someone two class levels above another person, does not want to date way below their class.
    Of course there are exceptions to the rule.  But this seems the case 90% of the time with SD/SB dating.
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 23, 2012 at 08:47 AM

    I date all races but tend to date black women more than others. I agree that it is hard to get around the stereotypes. What impossible for me to get around is some of the actions that I have been subjected to by black women that they seem to think are perfectly all right. Several have ask me to pick them up away from where they live or have hidden when they got into the car so that their friends/neighbors did not see them with a white guy. When I ask them why they tell me that their friends/neighbors will think they are prostitutes if they see them with a white guy. That tells me real quick that the relationship is going no where and I wonder why they agreed to go out at all.
    Next is the idea of being constantly late. I arrange a time to meet someone. They arrive 45 minutes to two hours late without giving me a call. or call ten minutes before the date to cancel. or just do not show up at all. The worst example is a lady that calls me 20 minutes before we are to meet to go to a concert to tell me she is 600 miles awqay with her sister. She had been gone for three days and knew that she would not be back in time to go with me. Then email me the next day and the email always starts "please do not be mad..."
    the last is always putting family members before everyone else. I understand family emergenies but canceling a date to take your cousin to the grocery store is not an emergency. I know that there are some cultural differences and family is important but give me a break.
    Luckily a lot of black women do not act in this manner and I have had some really great relationships with black women. But when you are treated with this lack of respect it does tend to sour you on taking a chance again.
    Can anyone explain any of this to me?