Member's Blog > HerRoyalMajesty's blogs > My voice will not be silenced: Part I
My voice will not be silenced: Part I Sort by:
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Posted on May 15, 2017 at 01:00 PM

I am a woman with a big voice. Very powerful. It's a gift. When I speak, people tend to listen. I am very grateful for this voice. I have been told that I need to speak more often, because people who hear my message  find the strength within themselves to transform their situations.

 

See, as a two, three, and four year old child, I was assaulted by my step-father. He threatened to harm my mother if I said anything. So I didn't. He used to beat mom and lock her up in closets and my brother and I would hear her screaming through the door. We didn't want Mom to go through that trauma any more, so we kept our mouths closed. 

 

Because Mom had been abused, she also abused me. She cursed me, punched me, tied me up and hurt me. She needed counseling, or medicine, but did not know how to ask or seek the help. So again, I suffered in silence, allowing her to physically and verbally abuse me.

Lucky for me, I was a smart child, so teachers praised me for my straight A honor roll status. Mom, not so much. I never did anything well enough. And dad...well, he was in prison, due to his "habits" whatever they were. He eventually died in my arms under my care, although I'm not sure if he deserved it. Or maybe I didn't; I don't know. At any rate, I forgave him for not being in my life and I asked him to forgive me for holding a grudge against him. I grew up and left mom's abuse, but only to find "solace" in a church that today, many would call an occult. Still, I felt I had found  sense of "family."

The only thing is they controlled me, my little finances and  even the marriage that they arranged. Poor me...just a helpless, desperate soul, held in captivity by a church that enslaved me. It wouldn't have been that bad, except the man that they gave me at age 18 took out his frustrations by cheating and then by beating me. I had to find a way to get out.  And I did! Four children later.  What happened? A girlfriend had infiltrated the church, pretended to accept their teachings and rescued me. Hallelujah!


So I got an apartment. And focused on my children. I was 26 with four children and a college degree. Yes,despite the fact that the church ridiculed me for going to college while married and going to all of their long daily church services, I persisted. Guess I wasn't quite so stupid after all. However, I could not find a job in the small town, and ended up divorced, without support and in a homeless shelter for battered women.  Since I had left my marriage, I also left the church. For some foolish reason, beyond my comprehension, I kept going back to the church that I had escaped, in order to have some sense of community. My own mother had skipped town, my brother had joined the military, and I was left alone. I visited the church here and there. I tried to stay since I had no family around, but one day I asked one of the ministers for food and when he came over to deliver the food, he tried to make me pay for it with my body. Sh*t!

The shelter found me a section 8 house in another small town where I knew no one, but I was as happy as could be. I enrolled in counseling there for my children and me. And took a graduate class in Sociology.

 

Eventually, I moved one state over. So did their father, but not with me. I suppose he wanted to be near his children. I don't fault him for that. We lived 50 miles apart. Same state, different city.

In the meantime, I earned two master degrees and joined another church which promised to protect me and to never treat me like my former spiritual place of worship. With degrees supporting me and intensive counseling under my belt, I felt strong and mounted the pulpit and began to preach about healing, personal empowerment, personal development and self actualization. 

 

People came from all over to hear me preach and in no time the church was full. My pastor who once loved me, became unhappy and told me I wasn't preaching right. I should stop trying to be non-conventional and only preach about Jesus. He was unhappy about the "saints responding to me in ways they had not responded to him. Seemed they had forgotten who the pastor was." He needed to remind them. 

 

I liked Jesus, I supposed, although I didn't see the need for him if people's lives had not been improved. I wanted to see them whole. So I not only preached, I coordinated counseling services, health fairs, college opportunities, financial coaching, and other services to take the congregation and indigent community to a higher level. I didn't see the purpose of going to church to hear that "Jesus could fix it,: if he hadn't fixed anything at all. So, I decided that I would help him. Finally, I was thriving. Finally, I was happy.

But Pastor wasn't. He sent the assistant Pastor to tell me that I needed to sit down.

During that period of silence, I decided to start a Ph.D. program...to prove within myself that I was ok. Plus,  I as an intellectual, would be stimulated. I had just gotten a second husband. The new second marriage was a bit rocky, but we forged ahead. I now had teens and he had a teen, so we tried to make it. Besides, I worked in a medical school on a beautiful university campus, which agreed to pay my tuition. Seemed like a win/win situation to me. The only problem was I barely brought home enough money to support a family of seven (my four children, my step-son, my new husband and myself). The husband had lost his job, so that made me the bread-winner. I took out student loans to subsidize my income.



Her Royal Majesty~
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