Member's Blog > Gentlebreeze2016's blogs > 30 years of marriage-But I never loved you
30 years of marriage-But I never loved you Sort by:
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Posted on Apr 14, 2017 at 05:52 PM

I bumped into an acquaintance I have known for a while who decided to open up a bit more about his private life on this occasion.

He met his wife when he was about 17 years old (he is now in his 50s) at a family gathering and after a short courtship they got married as happened then.  His reason for marrying her was because his youth club leader had told him that he will be lucky to find any woman to love him as he was not much of a looker. Unbeknown to this youth leader these words were going to impact this man negatively for a very long time to come.  According to him he knew in his gut on the day of his wedding that he did not want to be with the lady but he went ahead anyway.    He caused so much pain to his wife hoping she would request for a divorce but the woman never did and always forgave him.  It went as far as him spending all his inheritance in a brothel houses not to mention the side affairs and deliberately recklessly leaving the family in difficult financial situations.  He had four children with his wife-they are now adults living their own lives.

He is a very intelligent, capable and able professional who some might say needn’t have found himself in financial difficulties.  Well he did hoping that would get him out of his marriage.  The loyal and faithful wife held on steadfast and sure by her man’s side through thick and thin.   After about 30 to 40 years of marriage he finally gathered the courage to tell his wife the truth explaining the reasons for his reckless living and the stress he put her through.  I asked him why now?  This woman is close to 60 why now? His response “I cannot live a lie any longer”.  I just listened quietly not uttering another word because this was beyond my analytical mind and I could see my mind having a field day analysing till there was nothing else to analyse and me ending up with a headache so I just listened. 

 

 

Your thoughts and views please



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Posted on Jul 01, 2017 at 07:38 AM

I watched a couple as they made their way down the street and watch them disappear under a bridge you could tell that they were very much in love there was no Financial anything in their way


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Posted on May 25, 2017 at 07:56 AM

Hay kids 

30 years with 15 of them with out ! 

And still hiding and hopping. To find that special. Someone 

Is it a losted cause 


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Posted on May 23, 2017 at 09:52 PM

Quoting Gentlebreeze2016:

@Rmacc never heard of this theory before; how does it work and especially with the shoe salesman problem?



I don’t know how to reduce it to formulas.  Basically it describes a process where the situation is stable up to a point and then there is an abrupt catastrophic change.   

 

I would rather do the romance one.  Boy meets girl, boy comes on a little too fast, not so fast the girl rejects him, but too fast, her reaction is to be less responsive, to be cool even cold acting.  he not stupid backs off, becomes a bit colder himself, she senses the shift does not want to lose him, starts acting a bit warmer, and so by little shifts and little shifts, they go back and forth, adjusting and shifting until boom, the process abruptly changes completely, neither can come on too strong to scare the other.  They are head over heels in love, committed, end of story.

 

I like the name of the process.  

 

Now the process may fail to reach that point.  Either party at any point can permanently back off.  It may take too long for one or the other and so they leave.

 

It may reach a point perfectly satisfactory for one partner, but not for the other so, she or he ultimately leave.  

 

 

Also either one can come on way too strong way to quick and the other runs for their life


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Posted on May 23, 2017 at 03:57 PM

Quoting funtimes0007:

Why you can't be with a man who truly loves you why you need marriage? The concept of marriage was inveted by religions.

Romeo and Juliet is a fairly new fictional story, I can share plenty more.

People lie under the eyes of God all the time so what difference would it make if someone goes for marriage but not truly loving you? All you have accomplished is satisfy the needs of others not yours.

If religion is what really driving the marriage concept, than we all should be a virgins till we get married and that is not happening anymore. Even the strict religion followers slip time to time.

Cherry picking religious believes is the reason no one is finding true love. Its either all in or all out, nothing in between.

Just my observation and a brutal reality of life that no one wants to admit it.

p.s. If you are expecting marriage at the end with a man because you are in a relationship with him, how can you claim that you believe in un-conditional love? :) You have already put in a condition to begin the relationship with someone. What if he doesn't believe in marriage but willing to love you un-conditionally?

Whats funny that God says I will love you un-conditionally but he himself puts the condition and says if you don't pray to me, you go to hell.

Nothing makes sense.

And someone will argue back and will say well God can always forgive you, so can man or woman can chnage her mind (remember God created us per religions as of his on reflection) at anytime to marry the other person.

My point is don't put conditions when you truly want to love somone. Simply love the person with no conditions and let nature takes it course.

I rest my case :)



@funtimes I believe in marriage, that is me.  If the other person does not believe in marriage I respect that, it is their choice.   In the same vein I believe there are others out there who also believe in love and marriage and at the right time our paths will cross and you might even get an invite:)  I don't think I am suggesting that as soon as I meet a man without even knowing who he is as a person I demand that we go to court or church to get married.  It is a process which starts with getting to know you (The Sound of Music).

 

Your statement "cherry picking religious beliefs is the reaason no one is finding true love" is highly debatable and we could be here forever.  Yes Christianity advocates no sex before marriage.  Well it seems to be back in vogue surprisingly with the younger generation.

 

I have tried to respond as best as I can.  Thanks for comments



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Posted on May 21, 2017 at 02:35 PM

Quoting Goodwoman17:

He was very selfish to take her life from her and niw that she is older in age snd her life almost gone he tells her the truth now she knows that she was living a lie too and wasted her time life and love on a jerk!!!!!!!!!


@Goodwoman that was my question to him-as to why wait now? I do hope and pray that the lady finds some semblance of happiness and joy the rest of her days.  Thanks for comments



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Posted on May 21, 2017 at 02:31 PM

Quoting funtimes0007:

I think you are finally getting there where most of us are already there.

 

Love has nothing to do with marriage. If you take marriage out of love not make it mandatory in relationship, everything will be fine. When you tie Math around love which is supposed to be borderless, price less, no money can buy, can not have financial ties attached to then you finally begin to admire and appreciate what love is all about.

 

Give it try with a man of your like and you will be surprise all the sociological pressures that we have tied with love and it has taken away it's true beauty will make you taste ecastacy without ever swallowing a pill :)

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

p.s. I am assuming you got the joke around all the math formulas. There is no such thing when it comes to marriage :)



@funtimes, I am still stuck at Romeo and Juliet so believe in Love; I appreciate the views shared but I just want to stick to that childlike pure unconditional love (I said it).  Somewhere over the rainbow I believe it is possible.  My faith also encourages me to believe in and exhibit love so I am sticking to Love.  I can also blame Shakespeare:

 

Sonnet 116: Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 
Admit impediments. Love is not love 
Which alters when it alteration finds, 
Or bends with the remover to remove. 
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 
It is the star to every wand'ring bark, 
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle's compass come; 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 
If this be error and upon me prov'd, 
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.
 
As always thanks for your comments

 

 



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Posted on May 21, 2017 at 02:25 PM

Quoting rmac22:

@ Gentlebreeze

 

Actually some aspects of human relations have been modeled using various mathematical models.  The example I like best is the one used to model falling in love which is called Catastrophe Theory.   

 

 

Catastrophe Theory is also used to model the shoe salesman problem.  



@Rmacc never heard of this theory before; how does it work and especially with the shoe salesman problem?



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Posted on May 20, 2017 at 02:34 PM

He was very selfish to take her life from her and niw that she is older in age snd her life almost gone he tells her the truth now she knows that she was living a lie too and wasted her time life and love on a jerk!!!!!!!!!

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Posted on May 19, 2017 at 08:01 AM

@ Gentlebreeze

 

Actually some aspects of human relations have been modeled using various mathematical models.  The example I like best is the one used to model falling in love which is called Catastrophe Theory.   

 

 

Catastrophe Theory is also used to model the shoe salesman problem.  


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Posted on May 18, 2017 at 07:32 AM

Quoting funtimes0007:

Always a question from your side, never an answer. Dogging bullets? :)

ok Here we go:

G= Girl
B= Boy

M= G+B
M =G+B+K

Where K= Kids, M = Marriage

M = ((G+B+K)/Marital Assets)*Duration of marriage

Where Marital Assets = Bread Winner (Pre and post acquisitions) - (The other is exempted)

Therefore, Marital Assets = Bread Winner Assets.

M = ((G+B+K)/Bread Winner Assets))*Duration of marriage

Here comes divorce:

D = ((G+B+K)/His Assets)*Duration of marriage))/How good of a lawyer one hired

His Assets mistake was done on purpose...lol :)

Final Formulas:

Child Support = Minimum 28% * (bread winner income for one child) @ till 18

                        Additional for X% * Each Child  * (Bread winner income for one child) @ till 18

Alimony Payment = Duration of marriage * How bitchy the bread winner is.

p.s. Please note the Letter "L" a.k.a Love has no play in any of the above formulas..lol :)



OOhhh!  I don't think I dodge questions I answer questions and ask them too in order to broaden my views on issues I observe and encounter so I don't have a one dimensional view of things.

 

Now to your equation, have you copyright is yet?  That is a very good analysis of things from a mathematical perspective.  In my mind though it equates to Tina Turner's song-What's love got to do with it.  Which is a real shame because I think if love becomes the foundation of relationships it is beautiful to behold and experience but I guess experiences are different.

 

Thanks for your comments



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Posted on May 17, 2017 at 12:22 AM

Quoting funtimes0007:

Well Math not just deals with absolutes it also deals with fairly complex subjects such as vector mechanics.

We live under the delusion of love thinking there is no Math involved, in reality love is all based on pure mathematics. For example;

 

a) A woman desire to get married and have a place called it home and form family looking for a good provider is pure math.

b) Aman desires to be with woman in the hope of love and family and unlimited amount of sex is pure mathematical calculation went wrong :) lol

c) A woman would never expect flowers on valentines, celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, expecting gifts, jewelry, a home, nice car ( I know you like Bentley lol🤑 Is all based on mathematical numbers. We invented the calendar for that purpose.

d) And when reality hit the heart and brain and we realize that there is no such thing as unconditional love (else no one would ever get a divorce after marriage).

it all comes down pure math. division of property, marital assets, kids custody, visiting rights, alimony payments, tax filing, state benefits, paid or free education for kids? List goes on and on and on :)))

to me it seems pure math.

 

So answer the questions young lady :)



Are you able to represent all the above with some algebraic formula? Only then will I be convinced.



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Posted on May 16, 2017 at 07:56 PM

Quoting funtimes0007:

I would agree with your answers for #1, 2, but answer for question 3 begs a new question.

 

In gentle breeze original story he reveled to her he never loved her. So the question remains should he or her stick around knowing 29 years got wasted and neither party ever enjoyed love?

 

you also agree that there is no such thing as unconditional love. Love is like roller coaster ride. It has its moments :)

 

isn't loyalty another form of love? I think loyality is a stronger bond than love in many cases especially when it comes marriage because I think marriage is a comprise and a contract. Love is the dissolvable glue we use to hold few pieces together but it requires regular Maintenance  till the item reaches its expiration date :)

 

The main question remains why people ask for divorce after 20, 25, even 30 years of marriage?


You are missing my logic.  I was not answering for either character in Gentlebreeze's story.  I was answering for some lady who was following your script and how I would react.  If I had put up with the lady for 30 years and she loved me for sure for the last one why not keep her for another one.  Love is not that easy to give up on.  The man in Gentlebreeze's story never loved the lady.  I am not that way.  I would have loved her or I never would have married her. 


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Posted on May 16, 2017 at 12:01 PM

Quoting funtimes0007:

I have a question for all in all fun and games :)

1. What if she/he loved you for 10 years out of the 30 years marriage?
2. What if she/he loved you for 15 years out of the 30 years marriage?
3. What if she/he loved you for 29 years out of the 30 years marriage?


Questions:


a) Would you still ask for a dirvorce?
b) What percentage would become a deal breaker?
c) How would you balance loyality of your partner vs. Love part in a committed relationship?


It depends a lot on the distribution.  

 

1.  If she loved me for the last 10, 15, or 29 I hang on to her for all three.   

2.  If she loved me the first 10, 15, 29 I'd keep her only for the 29 hoping the last year was fixable.   

3.  Otherwise, for all cases, if she loved me the last year I would stick it out hoping that we had turned it around.  

 

Loyalty only goes so far.  Obviously we both must have had a lot of it to stick it out 30 years for all but the 29 case. That one would only require her to be loyal for one year.  No biggie, I'll stick with the decisions above.  


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Posted on May 16, 2017 at 02:20 AM

Quoting funtimes0007:

I have a question for all in all fun and games :)

1. What if she/he loved you for 10 years out of the 30 years marriage?
2. What if she/he loved you for 15 years out of the 30 years marriage?
3. What if she/he loved you for 29 years out of the 30 years marriage?


Questions:


a) Would you still ask for a dirvorce?
b) What percentage would become a deal breaker?
c) How would you balance loyality of your partner vs. Love part in a committed relationship?



@funtimes- hmm applying mathematics to relationship is a difficult one as Maths deals with absolutes whereas relationships well it's neither here nor there- cant put numbers to matters of the heart.  Thanks for comments



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Posted on May 16, 2017 at 02:18 AM

Quoting Lilly1975:

Chances are regardless of whether he loved his wife or not he was going to be an irresponsible unfaithful man. Having acted this way is on him, not on his wife or the nature of the relationship. I can almost guess that his coming years will not be very pleasant, I pray that his kind wife will be guided by the peace in her heart to have a better life. as for him, self reflection and correction to may be reconcile with his family


@Lily1975 I say Amen to your prayers.  Thanks for comments



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Posted on May 16, 2017 at 02:16 AM

Quoting lulabel1963:

There are times in your life when you get a feeling in your gut that you know what is right for you. It is a feeling of knowing. That's what happened to him. He finally realized that he cannot continue being married to his wife.

 

He stuck around while the kids were growing up. That's a good thing, as long as mom and dad aren't arguing too much.

 

I hope that he can find love. There is nothing so good as loving someone and being loved in return.

 

 



@lulabel, you win the prize for the first positive comment in favour of the gentleman.  Thanks for comments



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Posted on May 15, 2017 at 04:35 AM

Chances are regardless of whether he loved his wife or not he was going to be an irresponsible unfaithful man. Having acted this way is on him, not on his wife or the nature of the relationship. I can almost guess that his coming years will not be very pleasant, I pray that his kind wife will be guided by the peace in her heart to have a better life. as for him, self reflection and correction to may be reconcile with his family

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Posted on May 15, 2017 at 12:11 AM

There are times in your life when you get a feeling in your gut that you know what is right for you. It is a feeling of knowing. That's what happened to him. He finally realized that he cannot continue being married to his wife.

 

He stuck around while the kids were growing up. That's a good thing, as long as mom and dad aren't arguing too much.

 

I hope that he can find love. There is nothing so good as loving someone and being loved in return.

 

 


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Posted on May 12, 2017 at 04:40 PM

Quoting BonnieSHenson:

Not me, I prefer to be comfortable just like my man


@Bonnie SHenson, Could you expand on your point?  Thanks for comments



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