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What's Wrong With You?

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1 year ago

OK, I have been asked this question at least a million times.

So I've never been married. The supposition is that there must be something wrong with me.

I have a brother who's been married 5 times. Would that be better?

People can be so rude and shortsighted here. It never ceases to amaze me.

Where is the basic level of kindness?

I know there are plenty of good people and friends out there as well.

Anyone had a similar experience? 

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Yeah, tired of the echos!!!
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hear!hear!
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1 year ago
Quoting: Originally posted by Conyersguy

Hey, Bri, somebody else misunderstood me, too.  I wasn't saying I had that size equipment.  I was just suggesting YOU say it, for the shock value.   (Not that I know about his either, before the rest of you jump to ANOTHER wrong conclusion!!!) 

Cony......

Thanks for your clarification.

What someone jump to the wrong conclusion?

That would never happen here right?

 

BP

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1 year ago

Conv.....

A very good solution.

And I'm sure it's true as well.

BP

 

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1 year ago
Quoting: Originally posted by candeee

maybe you should leave them with answer they didnt expect to hear...

Good Idee. Any suggestions?

 

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1 year ago

maybe you should leave them with answer they didnt expect to hear...

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1 year ago
Quoting: Originally posted by lilcherokee61
I+HAVE+BEEN+SINGLE+10+YEARS+AND+GET+ASKED+WHY+ALOT.+I+AM+IN+NO+HURRY+AND+FRANKLY+JUST+HAVENT+FOUND+THE+ONE+FOR+ME
Good for you Lil......

I'm sure there's someone out there for you......

Brian

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I+HAVE+BEEN+SINGLE+10+YEARS+AND+GET+ASKED+WHY+ALOT.+I+AM+IN+NO+HURRY+AND+FRANKLY+JUST+HAVENT+FOUND+THE+ONE+FOR+ME
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1 year ago

 Another note from the feet....staying in a marrage "for the children" is just an excuse for laziness and fear. "But the children will hate me" ....The bonds with the children will improve with time believe me. If they are aware of anything in the dynamics of the family.....they know something aint right. Do we want to raise them with that as a standard....me thinks not. Children adapt to realities, if we brought them up to be aware and open to change. As we all know change is a constant, one of few conditions that is predictable.  

 

 Staying in a relationship, even after therapies and making the efforts to make it better, at times is distructive to everyone in the family. A shoveling S**t against the wind

 

Digging a hole just gets you deeper....throw out the shovel, climb out and see the light of day.

 

be good to yourself.....be safe .....be happy.....then we are ready to share it 

 

D ( * ) ( * )

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I agree. I have a brother who is so miserable but doesn't "believe" in divorce. But.. I think it's for his children more than himself. He stays away from the house and spends time with the kids or on the computer when he's home... I don't want to be that way... EVER!!! Although I do believe in divorce, I don't want that kind of pain in my life again!

I firmly believe there is someone out there for everyone. I believe that for myself. But, if we never meet, I'm OK with that as well. Sharing adventures and laugher with a companion would be wonderful for everyone, but in the meantime, what's wrong with doing it on our own as well? You get to be on your own schedule too : )
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Hi, Brian.  Pretty much everything I was going to say has now been said quite well by others.  One further note, though.  I think the assumption that something "is wrong" with anyone over 40, or 50--whatever age--who has never been married is made by the same kind of people who assume there is something wrong with anyone who does not want children.  Or that there is something wrong with anyone who prefers soy sauce over ketchup on a hamburger.  Or...anyone who chooses not to own a tv.  Or....  But you get the point.  People who have a strict set of rules in their head for how they, and everyone else, is "supposed" to think and feel.  Rulebook followers with little or no imagination.   

Next time someone asks you what's wrong with you, why not have some fun with the question?  Make up something outrageous and shock 'em.  Laugh at them...whatever.  Just don't let the question bother you.    

Pat   
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1 year ago

So, I ask: What would be the difference from "marriage hopping" and "relationship hopping". In both cases it seems "the tough get going when the going gets tough".

 

Now, for sure there are those that ended up in the wrong relationship or marriage or "grew apart".

 

And maybe this has happened more than once. Would this be "marriage hopping"? I think not.

 

What I have seen which is probably quite different is the lack of introspection, and lack or healing that goes on before jumping right back into another "relationship" or "marriage".

 

I've heard it said that if you want a healthy partner try BEING a healthy partner. Who you are in relationship with says a lot about you.

 

And when the grass is greener where does one go?

 

One of my good friends describes her relationship as though she and her husband have entered a room, closed the door and then eliminated the door. She tells me that it is only then, when neither party has access to an exit door that they were able to make their relationship strong. It makes perfect intellectual sense to me. 

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1 year ago
Sounds like you and your brother scooted to opposite ends of the "I'm very Weird" pole. You did write about your relationship with your mother. Think on that for a while... that was really weird.
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1 year ago
Quoting: Originally posted by fastlearner

Be assured you have not been shuttered out of some club....None of us have it figured out.. We want to minimize our potential for pain.  The brain collects data with the goal of  attracting pleasure and avoiding pain.  It observes patterns and attempts to predict the probability of a pleasant result.... These observations (or data) begin in infancy and can be anchored in the primal brain with very little conscious awareness and yet ifundamental to our decision making process. (therefore providing therapist a healthy living in the last three or four decades.)

Because you haven't said "I do" doesn't mean that you didn't... fall in love, commit to one person etc.  And many have said "I do" but didn't really.  Still, we cling to the idea that someone else can giveth and taketh away our happiness and therefore must be approached with reasonable caution.   

 

 

 

  

Fast.....

Thanks for your knowledge.

It's great to have a professional to help me understand human nature.

I hope to always be a student.

Brian

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1 year ago
Quoting: Originally posted by Queenofyourdreams

Funny, but people no longer ask me that question.  However, there was a time that the people around me felt it was their buisness. There are many people who do not understand how a person can devote their life to a career instead of relationships or family...  But, they will never live like we do, or ever be able to do or even dream what we have done, or may be doing.

 

 The good news is that there are matches out there for people like us. It might take some time to find them (or for them to find us) But when you finally do meet one...You will know that they were worth the wait.

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Queenie......

I always like your good news.....

You made my day.

Brian

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I, too, have been asked that question ad-infenitum. As well as the "why don't you have kids." Well, there is no really good answer for either of them except to say that I had to find myself before I let anyone else find me first. I want to be my own person, one that my partner would appreciate, not one that he wants to mold me into. Been there, done that, and not only got my heart crushed when I decided to pursue more of what I wanted to do, but crushed myslef for allowing it to happen in the first place. Why spend time being what others want you to be and be miserable than to be who you are with someone who appreciates it already and happy?

Why don't I have kids? Well, the best response I have to that is a) because the clock never started ticking, b) there's never been anyone who I was interested in having children with, c) there's not enough time in my life with all I do to keep myself busy, which I consider my "grounding..."

So, there must be something wrong with me... No, it's just that I'm not "YOU." (rhetorical "you") :)

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There is alot of rude people out there.
Just try to get use to it. You can always
avoid them.
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Be assured you have not been shuttered out of some club....None of us have it figured out.. We want to minimize our potential for pain.  The brain collects data with the goal of  attracting pleasure and avoiding pain.  It observes patterns and attempts to predict the probability of a pleasant result.... These observations (or data) begin in infancy and can be anchored in the primal brain with very little conscious awareness and yet ifundamental to our decision making process. (therefore providing therapist a healthy living in the last three or four decades.)

Because you haven't said "I do" doesn't mean that you didn't... fall in love, commit to one person etc.  And many have said "I do" but didn't really.  Still, we cling to the idea that someone else can giveth and taketh away our happiness and therefore must be approached with reasonable caution.   

 

 

 

  

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1 year ago
Quoting: Originally posted by billzeke

I went out with a lady years ago when I lived in Louisville, KY. I must have been around 27 at the time and she was about 23 and had already been married 3 times. She asked me if I had ever been married and when I replied NO she said: "You are 27 and you have never been married. What's wrong with you?" To that I answered. "You are 23 and you have already been married 3 times. I was getting ready to ask you the same question." On my word; it's a true story.

 

Bill,

 

That's what you get for hanging out in a place like Louisville. Your fault all the way.

 

Just kidding of course and I believe your story.

 

You are a very very funny guy.

 

BP