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THINK BEFORE YOU WINK

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1 year ago
This blog deals with a familiar subject: 'Divorced with Children'. A recent and still stinging experience with a promising 'match' here at MM has prompted me to address this subject. To all single Moms out there (and single Dads too), your perspective and experiences are welcomed. As a single Mom, am I the only one spinning two plates at a time, juggling moment to moment, in an attempt to do it all? I think not, actually I know not. And to single Dads, can we get real and acknowledge life exists with God's greatest gift:'children' (yours and ours). Ouch, shades of an old double standard? Single Dads-foot loose and fancy free; while single Mom's are challenged to do it all?

The large majority of MM members are divorced with children and our profiles clearly state whether or not we have children. I'm throwing this topic out for discussion for those of us with children 'looming' in the background. Anyone else being challenged? How's the journey moving towards 'blended family land'?

Here's my two (&1/2) cents: Many men cut loose from their prior marriage, leaving children behind. Yet, they expect (want) a woman who can give an AMPLE amount of time to them 'personally'. These men have entered the single world with a hunger, a yearning of 'pay attention to me'. To these men I say run, don't walk, to one of the women out there who escaped motherhood. However, if you are out there with children of your own, and aware there are children from a former marriage and choose to proceed with the new relationship?. for God's sake, be a realist!

Its old news, but worth mentioning, most women are custodial parents. On a daily basis: we raise the children; we interact with them, transport them, problem solve with them, provide love and stability to them; entertain them and so on. Women are the commandos of multitasking. Perhaps single Dads need reminding that children take time; time out of each and every day. If you are the non custodial parent, maybe you simply don't know this. Beyond that, you should be aware of the commitment, the arrangements and the effort a single Mom puts forth to be with you. So, when a lady (a Mom) commits herself to you?your appreciation, respect, and a mature attitude will go a long way. Single Moms are doing it all, and if we are doing it well, you Dads should only hope your ex-wife is providing the same care to your children. Single Moms are real women, desiring real relationships, and unselfishly go the extra mile to make it all happen.

Perhaps deeper thinking is warranted; what are your expectations, what's acceptable, what is not? Please guys go there before you send the wink. Kindly remember that your availability, for the most part, is due to the fact some ex-wife is out there raising your children, juggling it all. Reality tells us that parenting didn't suddenly take on a lesser role or responsibility. Children are here to stay- yours and ours; and needs are continual. It is about balance, spinning those two plates, talking on two phone lines. So what gives guys? Is it more communication, adjusting, understanding that will allow a quality life with a new partner- with children? Can 'happily ever after' (with all the children) exist? Your thoughts welcomed.

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1 year ago
WILLS! Loved your comments, sounds like a subject near and dear to you. Rather new to site, so didn't catch your earlier blog and glad you responded. You're very well spoken and communicative and feel this is exactly the trait required for a 'mixed child' relationship; as a deeper understanding is core for it's success. Wishing you great success-too bad you're only 44 and on opposite coast :) Thanks - BocaD
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1 year ago
Trey! Thanks for the comments-Hats off to single Dads. You sound like a super one. Hope a real lady finds you soon! BocaD
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1 year ago
Angel Girl - Thanks for your comments. This entire subject is quite thought provoking and I know these relationships do work--just a matter of finding the right partner! A word...just pick your partner for all the right reasons, and hopefully you'll never have to address these challenges.. BocaD
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1 year ago
Very well stated, Boca! I too am a single mom however I have had a great relationship with a man who also had children. He was a great stepdad, to say the least. We lived the Brady Bunch lifestyle with relative ease.

I think the key to making it work is communication way before you decide to move in together. Your expectations and his need to be addressed fully. I am a believer.. it has worked once for me before and hope to make it work someday again.
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You sound like a truly dedicated mother. Too many moms out there arent. . and as you addressed, very few fathers are. I typically date older men and that means they typically have children. Although the kids rarely live with the father, it is VERY important to me that the man I date have the same attitude as you towards their kid. The minute a man will cancel plans with his child to be with me, I am NOT interested in him any longer. Until we are VERY serious or maybe married. . I should NEVER come before the kids. Especially since men usually dont have sole custody. If he only sees his kid once a week and then will cancel his plans with his child to take me out to dinner-that is just disgusting!

Ok enough ranting on my part. Lol I am sorry to hear about your recent "run in" with a selfish man. Good luck to yoU!