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Is our “Past” Naivety ruining our “Future” relationships?
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Posted on Thu, Jun 23, 2011 23:15

Is our past “NAIVETY” with the bad guys ruining us for all the “GOOD MEN?”

Are we as women being stifled for future “healthy” relationships w/ genuinely sincere men due to our naivety in the past w/ too many wrong men? Have we become so distrusting by nature when a “good one” comes along, we unknowingly drive them away by our lack of trust and insecurities? What is it going to take for us to become whole individuals again to accept not “all men” are snakes lurking in the grass waiting to strike? I want to know.. AM I THE ONLY WOMAN WHO HAS CONTINUOUS LYING, FRAUDULENT MEN PASS THROUGH MY LIFE SEEKING TO DEVOUR ME AT EVERY CORNER? Or DOES ANYONE ELSE EXPERIENCE THIS? And IF I do stand-alone here… WHY ME? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHAT MAKES ME MORE NAÏVE AND SUSEPTIBLE TO THIS BEHAVIOR? I love, I trust, I accept.. and then WHAM! I get bit! Anybody else know what I am talking about? And if you do.. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? What if we are passing all the good ones by due to this?



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Posted on Fri, Aug 09, 2013 17:32

Hoping4 - I appreciated your post  - I think we are all going through a little of that - in that we know we can never have the more innocent love that we may have experienced in our younger days.  Even if the relationships failed without a 'bad partner', there must be more awareness at this stage of all that could go wrong and it is only natural that we may be more guarded.



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Posted on Fri, Aug 09, 2013 12:05

You are a lovely blonde dear gf, and somewhat a target. I know the feeling well, so you are NOT alone. We live in a very different system than days of old. I, also, am trusting, and have lost 2 entire fortunes to different men. We HEAR words that we want to believe, and the smart guys know this. LOL I often wondered if I had a target on my back. Also, when you are attractive, men often AUTOMATICALLY figure you have always "gotten what you want" or "gotten everything handed to you" etc. Don't know about you, but I have worked hard for every penny because of that mindset....I decided to scale down and have less for them to take. Now I am looking for security in the old fashioned sense, because what I bring to the table is well-rounded, crisp quality-of-life. If they are smart enough to see the real me, they will have to prove it. I think you are wise to be cautious and remember they often see an attractive woman as 1) a conquest 2) high maintenance 3)unattainable 4) spoiled/always has had what she wanted. It is truly unfortunate, these days we live in. I don't understand exactly how we are supposed to blend our separate homes/assets without extreme risk to our security. Anybody out there have an answer for that?

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Posted on Thu, Aug 08, 2013 13:53

I think, men are like small children. They want their new game for a week or month or year and then want to have new one.What is all about good guy or wrong?
Good guy makes a good choice. But...is it a good for woman as well?
Or bad guy makes bad choice. Is it bad for woman as well?

Hard to say. People are different. We are different. We have to know each other first and then we make conclusions.I've never had lifetime experiences.But I know sure that if you say her/him "What do I want from our relationship" after few dates then you two will be the winners in yours relationship.
Everybody makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect.



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Posted on Fri, Jul 22, 2011 10:17

Hoping4Love:

Sexual harrassment is much more common and insidious than most people realize. I am sorry to hear that you had that kind of experience too.  Mine was a bit more subtle but the result was the same.

That said, I am really happy that I decided to take make an investment in myself by joining a therapy group.  It's unfortunate that there is so much stigma regarding therapy since I think its something everyone could benefit from at certain times in their life.  I know that through the group I was able to work through problems I didn't even realize I had- including opening up to the possibility of a long-term relationship.

Anyway. good luck with the job hunt- I am sure you will find something much better!



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Posted on Thu, Jul 21, 2011 08:49

7DESTINY....

Sorry to hear of your sexual harrassment... I didn't put the story in my profile.. but that is how I am unemployed now... I worked offshore and the owner/captain came on to me on boat.. It was at a very vulnerable time and he took advantage, but in the end.. I declined.. Then I had to leave the boat a few days due to "teenager" issues... and I was never called back.. My things are still on the boat.. A part of me wants revenge and to call his GF / aka his business partner and tell her everything... BUT... there is a larger part of me that KNOWS ultimately.... this is HIS issue to deal with...

Good to see therapy helped you.. (support group) I had "issues" from childhood and never even bagan healing until I placed myself in therapy.. I was 32 at the time...

If ppl would seek help sooner.. we'd have a lot more "emotionally healthy" ppl in the world.. I wish I had realized this long before.. I might have made much sounder decisions in my life....



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Posted on Mon, Jul 18, 2011 14:22

so where is a person without a trust issue? i want to meet one. I know that women are more naive. Believe that woman wants a traditional relationship. Whats the border between he helps his girlfriend and just having s.babe? Don't let the "right one" to go away because somebody before wanted ur wallet. Man should step up or he can't bother people.



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Posted on Fri, Jul 15, 2011 20:45

Almost everyone has been in some bad relationships and has some baggage. All that you can really do is deal with as responsibly as you can.

At my former job I the unfortunate experience of being sexually harassed. It was so traumatic that I decided to join a therapy group- and it helped me immeasurably. I think that therapy and support groups can do a lot to alleviate the pain and anguish that relationships can cause.



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Posted on Fri, Jul 15, 2011 04:08

Creating your won future thats what its all about, past has gone, so why live in it, live in the present moment only, carry no thoughts (not an easy one) and visualise what it is you require out of life and hola qatale ka boom the universe will when the moment is correct bring it to you.. dont believe me .. try it, takes some patience to master but it just like my local milkman always delivers on time when ordered. 



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Posted on Mon, Jul 11, 2011 14:32

OKAT NGL2011.. Let me see if I can clarify for you...

BAD GUY in MY book are SOME of the following..

BEATER.. (I've drank out of straws before.. 6 years ago..my last REAL relationship. he was a "ROID" head)

CHEATER.. (HS boyfriend.. even tried to be w/ my BFF)

LIAR.. (If a guy lies to you.. he is hiding something you would want to know)

MANIPULATOR.. (devious w/ his intentions)

******

EXCITING in MY book?

ACTIVE Lifestyle- PLAYS sports, stays in shape.. (makes for better sex the better shape one is in) and loves to do things like rock climb, sky dive, boating.. he is active.. whatever he enjoys doing..

ROMANTIC- THIS is EXCITING... When a man SURPRISES a woman w/ romantic things.. (candles, dinners, gifts, anything to show he is PUTTING SOME THOGUHT INTO HER... Brings excitement to the mind..)  Beginning of women's  stimulation begins IN THE MIND...

EXCITING AND BAD are not related in MY book at all....

When I stated my husband was not a bad guy..I was relaying he was not a cheater, never beat me etc.. He was good provider and loved me and our children..

I have been single besides couple BF here and there... for 12 years.. In that time, met some bad guys who have beat me, stolen from me, stalked me and lied to me.. THEY were BAD guys in my book.

What I meant is.. Have my poor choices in those "bad" guys made it to where.. WHEN a man comes along that is HONEST, Won't beat me, won't lie oto me.. Am I too "untrusting" to believe the good guy now?

You get burned too much you start to avoid fire.. BUT... Am I seeing fire sometimes when there isn't even smoke??

Perhaps that helps??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Posted on Sat, Jul 09, 2011 19:44

Quoting Hoping4Love2000:

I HER YA LOUD AND CLEAR ORLANDO... Guess I fall into the "jaded / tainted" arena... and that arena ain't no picnic! Esp. since I have a "naive" quailty about me despite the wildly painted picture I have been! Kind of like a little girl lost in the wild who survives despite all the dangers lurking around her!! However, I was cast in that arena unwillingly as a small child and the cycle continued.

 

I have found that most women who have chosen "bad boys" so to speak.. (cheaters, liars, beaters) have had issues stemming from childhood that created a tainted level of who they were and their self-esteem suffered only elevating this issue.... "I am not worthy.. I don't deserve happiness, etc.." I had years of therapy to overcome this.. but honestly.. it is something we must develop w/in ourselves... and I am still a work in process...

 

My ex husband was a "good guy" and I was very happy for a long time.. One day the old "baggage" I hadn't dealt with came storming through like a tornado and left me shattered. It's been 12 years and I am still pulling myself from the rubble..

 

I have serious "trust" issues and I do recognize this.. It stems from insecurity and low self esteem. I became much more outspoken the older I have become as I am much better than past years... I was taught as a child to "hide" things or sweep them under rug as if they never happened. It left me conflcited and confused.. So now.. I voice what I feel.. except for one very important thing.. The "I love you " thing is difficult for me to a man.. I feel once again vulnerable and naked.. like a child... and it scares me to leave myself that "open" to rejection. How a woman feels that way when she is MARRIED, I do not know.. I always tried to show my love through sex.. and now the older I get it has left me realizing sex and love are not the same... but with the right man, when I can learn to combine the two..in a "balanced" way...  my life will be amazing!! :)




This is a subject that totally confuses me no end. I just don't get it.

There has to be a balance and none of them include being "Bad" I guess if I look at it from a womens prospective, Bad means exciting,,right ? Well, what is exciting about an assh**e who treats you bad etc,, is good sex really worth that ? Again don't get it !

There are many good guys out there that totally understand the balance. You don't have to be an as* to have a great exciting time and at the end of the day, still have great sex. Again unless I don't understand what exciting is.



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Posted on Sat, Jul 09, 2011 14:30

I HER YA LOUD AND CLEAR ORLANDO... Guess I fall into the "jaded / tainted" arena... and that arena ain't no picnic! Esp. since I have a "naive" quailty about me despite the wildly painted picture I have been! Kind of like a little girl lost in the wild who survives despite all the dangers lurking around her!! However, I was cast in that arena unwillingly as a small child and the cycle continued.

 

I have found that most women who have chosen "bad boys" so to speak.. (cheaters, liars, beaters) have had issues stemming from childhood that created a tainted level of who they were and their self-esteem suffered only elevating this issue.... "I am not worthy.. I don't deserve happiness, etc.." I had years of therapy to overcome this.. but honestly.. it is something we must develop w/in ourselves... and I am still a work in process...

 

My ex husband was a "good guy" and I was very happy for a long time.. One day the old "baggage" I hadn't dealt with came storming through like a tornado and left me shattered. It's been 12 years and I am still pulling myself from the rubble..

 

I have serious "trust" issues and I do recognize this.. It stems from insecurity and low self esteem. I became much more outspoken the older I have become as I am much better than past years... I was taught as a child to "hide" things or sweep them under rug as if they never happened. It left me conflcited and confused.. So now.. I voice what I feel.. except for one very important thing.. The "I love you " thing is difficult for me to a man.. I feel once again vulnerable and naked.. like a child... and it scares me to leave myself that "open" to rejection. How a woman feels that way when she is MARRIED, I do not know.. I always tried to show my love through sex.. and now the older I get it has left me realizing sex and love are not the same... but with the right man, when I can learn to combine the two..in a "balanced" way...  my life will be amazing!! :)



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Posted on Fri, Jul 08, 2011 13:41

I do tend to see a pattern in the women I have dated.  They all went for the "bad boys" early in life and now they have "put that behind them" and want the "good guy."  Unfortunately, they bring with them unintentional baggage--trust issues, assumption that the good guy wants them equally, preconceived notions that volitle relationships are more "exciting", and the list goes on.  As a good guy, I get compared to them but I also compare them to the good girls and find many of them are lacking.  The biggest issue they have is lack on innocence.  Not that they are totally jaded, but they are tattered at the edges.  The sense, at times, is us good guys are getting the left overs of the bad boys.  Sorry, this sounds cynical but there is a ring of truth to it and others may know what I'm alluding to.



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Posted on Mon, Jun 27, 2011 18:14

You know Marieswl...

I'm not certain WHAT it is... But I have found myself questioning intentions of the male "species" LOL and wondered.. "Am I being too hard on the new ones.. cuz the old ones ended on a sour note? I constantly ask myself... "WHAT IS THIS MAN'S INTENTIONS?" Is he of good heart,  or is he like some of the old ones I seem to attract? So in questioning MYSELF..I am already questioning a man I do not know.. How is this fair to him or me?? Or a possiblilty of an "US?"

Insecurity? Self-protect mode? IDK honestly... But I do wonder regularly if I have "'too sour a taste left to ever sense sweetness again.."

Thanks for the reply! Hope your week is going well so far! :)



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Posted on Fri, Jun 24, 2011 19:51

Hi Hoping4love.. Your post has some truth to it. I think that most of us open ourselves to a person we believe is our right match.. when things don't work out because he was indeed not the right one, then we, by nature, become defensive and guarded. It's a natural reaction, for survival. I don't necessarily think it's because of our insecurities, it's a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt once more. And yes, many times we let the 'right one' just go away because of our previous experience(s).



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