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Why do I fail with men...
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Posted on Tue, Nov 24, 2009 11:03

I am what one would called a successful woman and yet, I feel like I have missed a lot in my life. I come from a very poor family. During my school time, my parent could even not afford me to go an daytrips with the school. So, I had to lie and fake being sick. I had to be happy with very little, but I loved my family dearly. My poor upbringing has tremendously influenced my life. It made me on the surface very hard. So, I have also chosen a job after my studies that guanteed me being finanicial independence and to be well off: I became a lawyer although my dream was do become a dancer. Now I am 38, have reached a lot in my job, have my own little appartment, drive a nice sports car, am independent ... But deep inside, I feel like I have missed a lot: I haven't got children, no nice man on my side ...
My past has made me tough and inaccessible. I am very careful with men and can almost not open and show how I am, as I am afraid of being hurt. How can I overcome my past and relax? I am actually told to be good looking and people how know me for years say that I give a far different image at first (rather abraisive, inappbroachable and proud). Once, one knows me I win, as one detects my other sides that are quite different... So, how can I start an bring my warm, hearty and passionate characters better to light and make me - so do I hope - more attractive in the sense that men at least are not afraid talking to me? Thanks for your feedback.
Tamara, 38, Swiss (from Zurich)



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Posted on Fri, Mar 21, 2014 09:46

You havent failed silly girl, you havent met the RIGHT ONE yet! Stay positive and keep your chin up! He's out their still looking for u. 

 

Ps, I say the exact same thing to myself!  :-)



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Posted on Tue, Sep 17, 2013 16:57

I have found the major problem with anyone that can't find the right person - male or female - is they are too picky.   I know it is my personal problem.

 

I know men that have requirements about things like breast size, wasist size, job, when they put out (the guy I am thinking of demands dumps a woman if she hasn't put out by the fourth date - or if she puts out on the first date).  

 

Similarly, women look for height, money, in good shape, plus job.
  The last one is particularly strange as even if they make enough money, they still won't date you if they dislike your job.

 

Everyone (me included) always thinks they are more attractive than others are, and the far majority of people want the exact same things that other people do.

 

That is, no you are not the only guy that likes thin women.  No you are not the only women that likes tall men.    If you put those requirements in, then you pretty much can not have ANY other requirement at all if you want to meet a real, genuine, nice person.

 

Because while not all the good women are taken, all the nice, nymphomaniac  supermodels ARE taken.

Similarly, while not all the good men are taken, all the nice tall men with money ARE taken.

You get one and only one 'must have' requirement if it's something that other people like.   Any more than that and you are just too picky.



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Posted on Thu, Aug 15, 2013 15:03

Dear Tamara:

Thank you for sharing your heart with us.  It's time now to embrace who you are.  If little Tamara still wants to dance, let her dance.  Start taking some dance lessons again, and when you feel comfortable get involved with a local dance group that performs in local theatres.  You can still keep your day job.  But that creative part of you needs expression.  Let her out!

All of us are afraid of being hurt, Tamara. So the wise thing to do is choose someone you feel safe with.  But loving someone is a risk.  It's a risk for all of us. Loving someone makes us all vulnerable.  But life without love is not much of a life.

Deb

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Posted on Tue, Jul 16, 2013 11:33

Just be your self relax and protect your self is not bad nobody opens up first day
take big breath and shoulders dowm and let them come to you



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Posted on Tue, Jul 16, 2013 11:30

Tamra38, du sollst nur dich selbst werden, und deiene schulderen runter nehme und aus atmen und dich nicht änderen
vileich ist es so das du nerwös bin wie du dich ädern soll oder was sie denkt, aber du muss nur an dir selbst glauben und nicht kämpfen last die männer zur dir komme lacht und liebe das leben grüsst dir Henrik aus Dänemark



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Posted on Mon, Jun 17, 2013 21:27

wait for the right man



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Posted on Thu, Apr 18, 2013 22:11

Sometimes is hard to forget what has happend in the past but is ok your past is over now.  Now you live in a new life, worked hard and achieved many things.



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Posted on Sun, Dec 09, 2012 17:05

Your story sounds somewhat like mine, although we didn't consider ourselves poor,
we thought we were "rich", just being a big happy family. I put my career first, I don't have children, I have had a lot of male interest and attention, but still haven't found the one I want, I would say to you, since you are still young, just put your self out there, you will know when it is right. Go get your man!!!!



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Posted on Wed, Nov 21, 2012 14:41

You're probably not looking in the right place. Or maybe you're too picky? :)



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Posted on Mon, Aug 20, 2012 13:59

If you can't bring out the person you know you are by yourself, seek a therapist that can help you.



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Posted on Wed, May 23, 2012 13:39

You'll do fine. I've had the same kind of unbringing, and had the same issues with women but its all about time. The time it takes to find that person who will stay long enough for you to open up. one whos strong enough to wait out the storm. I love that you wanted to become a dancer, currently I just got out of the Army, and while I'm waiting to start college I'm a proffessional breakdancer. I go and do shows in a few different states. But don't worry, it just takes time.



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Posted on Wed, Apr 20, 2011 07:38

I think you need to first off be proud of your accomplishments. Your past is your past and although it has made you who you are it is also part of who you no longer want to be. Learn to trust in yourself and take one day at a time. By no means am I saying rush into a relationship because someone shows interest but realize that nobody is perfect and although there is nothing wrong with being cautious don't assume that everyone you meet is bound to bring you back to your childhood feelings. You seem to be a very independent woman and the feelings you have won't go away overnight but as someone stated earlier..you have taken the first step to acknowledge that you want something different so thats a good thing



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Posted on Sat, Feb 12, 2011 11:32

long more life to live..stay happy and thankful for what you achieved.take it easy and one day right man will come along..relax..xxx

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Posted on Wed, Jul 21, 2010 00:39

I have to say that you made the first step by explaining your past situation.  Perhaps, some great guy who has read your explanation here will make the first move and contact you.  I wish you the very best and happiness.

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Posted on Fri, Apr 16, 2010 23:24

Not all men are bad, but i have to agree the arrogance of some can really be a turn off no matter how powerful the person is

On the other hand i personalty never liked people that come off better then the rest, as a rule of thumb if i was as rich as some i would and am still the same person, without the better then tho attitude.

but that's just mho



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Posted on Mon, Apr 12, 2010 05:45

After reading your comments I think you answered your question as to why you fail with men.  Coming off arrogant and unapproachable will certainly kill off any man's  initial interest in you.

What made you so defensive towards men in the first place?  You never explained that.  Should you like to carry on with this discussion, I'm available.