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First dates
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Posted on Sun, Jun 04, 2006 14:01

I have recently realized after discussing first dates with a couple of my girlfriends that we each have a different style.

One insists on paying for her half of the date.

Another one will only meet for coffee or a drink.

I rarely will meet a man for coffee unless it's early in the day, then I assume it's dinner or another activity.

I'm curious of what expectations the general single population holds to first dates. Male & female, single & divorced.



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Posted on Mon, Jun 19, 2006 22:08

mamacitarica write:
A man that I met and was talking to online for a while-wanted to fly me to Manhattan for our first date dinner, that was crazy and a fun spontanious idea not my expectation for the first date either I did bring my ID;however, I thought that it was not safe you never know what their expections might be at the end of dinner........


Really, it was a very romantic, but, yes, crazy gesture. I met a guy online as well who after very busy lifestyles on both our parts and a great deal of months and months of connecting via here and phone, he did wisk me off to Tribeca for four days. However, before doing so, we both had the agreements of what was expected of each other clarified prior to the trip and full identification, etc. given to the other party for safety reasons. Difference, really, was that we had several months (almost a year) of becoming very close friends above anything. We started it on a Thursday evening accompanied with a couple celeb friends to a NETS/HEAT game because I love basketball. On Friday we took in the Broadway show Chicago, Saturday we spent all over Tribeca, Soho, Greenwich and Manhattan then ended it with a move and mild evening out Saturday night. Both of us were exhausted! lol Had there been expectations, lord! I think we would never have had the energy. lol But we had a great time, gave a $1,000 donation to a local charity for Cancer and Friday while he worked I got to spend the day back in my old stomping grounds of Manhattan buying gifts for my angels back home, which I loved more then anything. So, it turned out great. Only thing of conflict is that he is planning to retire in Florida and I just don't care to rebuild my home every year. But he's a very close friend and a great man who I admire as much as my father! Smart to always play it safe though. It's amazing that some men can think of the neatest, original ideas, though, huh? =)



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Posted on Mon, Jun 19, 2006 19:31

A man that I met and was talking to online for a while-wanted to fly me to Manhattan for our first date dinner, that was crazy and a fun spontanious idea not my expectation for the first date either I did bring my ID;however, I thought that it was not safe you never know what their expections might be at the end of dinner........



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Posted on Sun, Jun 18, 2006 07:00

cutiebooty write:
robtest write:

cutiebooty write:
I believe on a first date dinner is the best choice(coffee doesn't really give you time to get to know someone)and out of courtesy i would offer to go dutch.If the gentleman wanted to meet for a second date and he invited me i would assume he was paying but would not go with an empty purse...as i once said to Angryman the issue is not who pays but the fun you have together.



Well you know CB, you don't have to depart when you hit the bottom of the cup! Many places offer refills (for free no less), so you can stay as long as you find value. The problem with dinner is that finding that special chemistry is very allusive, and with the wrong person for company, you might end up with indigestion. :o)

I have found that many first meetings are simply curiousity on the part of one or both. Certainly the communication beforehand alleviates some of that, but normally don't start counting "dates" until the second face to face happens.

But then again, there have been times that a simple cup of coffee/tea with the right chemistry has evolved into the whirlwind romance that Angelsedge describes...


Sadly refils are not free in the UK... wish they were,imagine how cheap dating would be.


Well, perhaps you guys should take a lesson from your younger cousins across the pond... You do remember the Boston Tea Party don't you??? :o) Don't put up with that nonsense !!!!



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Posted on Sat, Jun 17, 2006 06:43

cutiebooty write:
I believe on a first date dinner is the best choice(coffee doesn't really give you time to get to know someone)and out of courtesy i would offer to go dutch.If the gentleman wanted to meet for a second date and he invited me i would assume he was paying but would not go with an empty purse...as i once said to Angryman the issue is not who pays but the fun you have together.


Well you know CB, you don't have to depart when you hit the bottom of the cup! Many places offer refills (for free no less), so you can stay as long as you find value. The problem with dinner is that finding that special chemistry is very allusive, and with the wrong person for company, you might end up with indigestion. :o)

I have found that many first meetings are simply curiousity on the part of one or both. Certainly the communication beforehand alleviates some of that, but normally don't start counting "dates" until the second face to face happens.

But then again, there have been times that a simple cup of coffee/tea with the right chemistry has evolved into the whirlwind romance that Angelsedge describes...



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Posted on Sat, Jun 10, 2006 07:31

Lombard write:
I'm going to know before I go out on my first date that my new found female friend is looking for what's around the next corner, behind that cool building, through the door and just out of view. Something that you can't quite see, but know is there. It's all about the mystery of the first date, as it unfolds. You'll never have a first date together again. Make the most of it.


Lombard- Agreed! I can see how you interpreted the expectations being expressed as "rules", and speaking for myself, they're not rules.

If I don't expect my date to treat me like a lady, then I will likely end up going out with someone who won't. Most of the first dates I've been on have been lovely. Though few have turned into second dates for various reasons, they usually will ask me out again.

Red- I'm not offended by the "you guys" statement around friends or work. But when I'm having dinner in a 5 star restaurant and the waitress asks "are you guys ready to order" I'm offended. Am I weird? On the same note, I've never been called "you guys" by a waiter. Are males more sensitive to showing proper etiquette than females?

p.s. And I almost crossed the Jimmy Hoffa question off my list. Someone should tell them that he's buried under my son's room. I could use a new room at the taxpayers expense. I already tried to exterminate it with a can of hairspray and a lighter.

  


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Posted on Sat, Jun 10, 2006 05:48

Herhazeleyes write:

Rob - Using your argument, yes, it doesn't seem fair. Though, my belief is that men and woman play different roles in a relationship and it isn't 50/50 and we're not equals. WOM ruined it for women who still want to be treated as women.

Simply, we're different. A man contributes to a relationship differently than a woman does. Traditionally, men are hunters/providers (i.e. knuckle draggers lol) and women are receivers/nurturers. Generally speaking, men give to feel good and women receive to feel good.

Because I feel this way, my partner would complement my nurturing nature by being a provider. So, when my date buys me dinner, he's hunting/providing. When I allow him to pay for me, I'm receiving/nurturing.

It doesn't make me less of a woman, it just makes me a woman.


HHE,

Thanks for the explanation! Yes, I guess many people believe and search (hunt?) for different things when looking for partners...

Good Luck in Your Search!!!

RED, what are you guys talking about ??? I still see the "Add an emoticon/smiley" under the "characters left" count and the "Check spelling" link.

  


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Posted on Sat, Jun 10, 2006 04:15

Lombard write:
Man, you guys (meant in a totally non-gender specific way) have so many freakin' rules. I always pay. Other than that, I have no desire to shape the way a first date unfolds. If I wanted a script, i'd marry a nice girl, buy a house in a sub-division in a nice quiet cul-de-sac, and watch some reality TV.

I'm going to know before I go out on my first date that my new found female friend is looking for what's around the next corner, behind that cool building, through the door and just out of view. Something that you can't quite see, but know is there. It's all about the mystery of the first date, as it unfolds. You'll never have a first date together again. Make the most of it.

Didn't your dad tell you that the best is not usually attained on the easy path?! lol

No one can tell how a date is going to unfold...it is a mystery - and a good one at that. You can frame how it starts. That's how some of these 'rules of engagement' come into the picture. I'll bet you don't take a first date to a movie...right or wrong?

P.S. Why do so many men qualify "you guys" like you did (...."mean it in a totally non-gender way")? I hear that at work too. I don't understand it. Don't most women know it's a general slang phrase? Are there really that many women out there who are offended by it?



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Posted on Fri, Jun 09, 2006 15:58

Herhazeleyes write:
Hi Grapes! First dates are tricky, indeed. It's like a dance -back and forth - trying to feel one another out. I try to think of it as two old friends going out for a fun evening, it takes the pressure off and makes it easier for me to say "no" if I have to. By the way... why do guys say they'll call and don't? One of the questions on my list to ask God after "Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried"?

Red -HIGH FIVE to the coffee dates :)
I can't imagine someone taking you out and being so cheap that they wouldn't pay on your date. You're absolutely lovely!

News Flash!: They've recently gotten yet another clue on where Jimmy's buried - now it's right here in MI - and imagine - it's close to a major automotive mfgr's campus! Haven't found him yet though.....

Why thank you, HHE(can't bring myself to nickname you hazel).....Actually, I haven't dated any man who did not pay for the date. Is it "luck of the draw" or that it is but one of the characteristics that seem to go along with the (total) type of man to whom I am attracted? My personal belief is that it is the latter.

P.S. Is it just my pc or have all the emotion symbols vanished?



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Posted on Thu, Jun 08, 2006 21:32

Hi Grapes! First dates are tricky, indeed. It's like a dance -back and forth - trying to feel one another out. I try to think of it as two old friends going out for a fun evening, it takes the pressure off and makes it easier for me to say "no" if I have to. By the way... why do guys say they'll call and don't? One of the questions on my list to ask God after "Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried"?

Red -HIGH FIVE to the coffee dates :)
I can't imagine someone taking you out and being so cheap that they wouldn't pay on your date. You're absolutely lovely!



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Posted on Thu, Jun 08, 2006 17:17

robtest write:
If you are gaining companionship and enjoy getting to know him as well, Why aren't you paying some too ???

Isn't all supposed to be fair in love and war? That just doesn't seem fair at all to me! :o)


Rob - Using your argument, yes, it doesn't seem fair. Though, my belief is that men and woman play different roles in a relationship and it isn't 50/50 and we're not equals. WOM ruined it for women who still want to be treated as women.

Simply, we're different. A man contributes to a relationship differently than a woman does. Traditionally, men are hunters/providers (i.e. knuckle draggers lol) and women are receivers/nurturers. Generally speaking, men give to feel good and women receive to feel good.

Because I feel this way, my partner would complement my nurturing nature by being a provider. So, when my date buys me dinner, he's hunting/providing. When I allow him to pay for me, I'm receiving/nurturing.

It doesn't make me less of a woman, it just makes me a woman.



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Posted on Thu, Jun 08, 2006 10:48

Herhazeleyes write:

I do expect my date to pick up the tab as well as plan the date. In return, I offer him companionship and an opportunity to get to know me.

HHE, I was kinda being a smartass, but I like a good spirited debate to discuss the issues... When you said:



I was alluding to the fact that he is expected to pay for the "honor" of you companionship and getting to know you.

If you are gaining companionship and enjoy getting to know him as well, Why aren't you paying some too ???

Isn't all supposed to be fair in love and war? That just doesn't seem fair at all to me! :o)



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Posted on Wed, Jun 07, 2006 23:51

HHE, while I am a bit old fashioned and do generally expect to pay because of my upbringing, in this modern age of "equal rights", I have to ask based on your expressions of your expectations, "Is there no value given to the man's companionship and your opportunity to get to know him?" ...


Hi Rob - There is value in my date's companionship, and I do get to know him ... initially based on how he treats me and how he engages in conversation and his attitude on life. I love a man with a good sense of humor. If every smile I wear during the course of the evening is fake, there usually isn't a second date.

I like being hunted by knuckle dragging men. Not exactly!! But something like that. It's more natural for me to be pursued by a man and be receptive of what he offers as he wants to know me better. I enjoy the dates which I know I won't be seeing again almost as much as the ones where I sense a bit of chemistry. Just because I don't feel that we're a match doesn't mean that we can't enjoy each others company.



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Posted on Tue, Jun 06, 2006 13:33

GOGH, Women do that too, and quite often. I have found lately that many women will ask me for my phone number so that they may call. I am assuming that this gives them an additional level of anonymousness if they block their caller id from their cell phone. Perhaps a 50% or less followup once they get the number. ROFLMAO. I will never forget the date I had a couple years ago. I had read it as "not such good chemistry", but thinking perhaps I had misread it, I asked if she would like to it again sometime. To my surprise, she said "yes, I would love to meet again. Let's get together in 2 days." Then I woke up the next am to "Dear Rob, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do..."

HHE, while I am a bit old fashioned and do generally expect to pay because of my upbringing, in this modern age of "equal rights", I have to ask based on your expressions of your expectations, "Is there no value given to the man's companionship and your opportunity to get to know him?" ...

SA: We are smiling with you but not against you! You are quite the risk taker, and now you more fully understand the risks! Personally, I like to go through the following steps if possible: wink, email, im, phone, then face to face. There must be some type of "chemistry" at each level before continuing on. Some potential dates are weeded out at each level. For example, if you talk on the phone and it just doesn't feel right, then experience has taught me that getting face to face probably won't help that. Also, date planning is kind of a negotiation. I understand that The Man is mostly responsible for Planning and Paying, but in order to ensure success FeedBack must be recieved from The Woman. I have found Women to be much pickier eaters than me. Of course, a week of survival training and a mother who made me try everything and always clean my plate attributes to that. Besides to me, if the conversation is good, stale crackers and water is fine... :o)



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Posted on Tue, Jun 06, 2006 09:22

One bad first date was a huge lesson for me; will never do that again! lol

Guy asked me to come and sail for an afternoon.
We had some emailcontact and I thought 'what the heck.'
Date was loooong and boring. Within 10 minutes I knew this was never going to work but to rudely ask to turn the boat around was something I couldnt do. He had prepaired a lunch-picnic: salmon (not too fond on fish), champaign (I don't drink) and strawberries with whipped cream (they were great).
After picnic we had quite some sailing to do to get back but he insisted on going swimming. Did not feel like that at all, especially when he stripped completely naked and obviously meant skinnydipping. I mumbled something about having my period and at last we got back.
Couldnt walk or see straight for the rest of the evening since my balance was off due to the waves... it was a loooong afternoon.

So first dates now, I prefer going for a drink before dinnertime, so we could always decide to have dinner if we click. Or, when I have a good feeling about the date, have dinner together.



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Posted on Tue, Jun 06, 2006 02:35

In this World we share, Just like the Love and Friendship, Now thats Fare, But It Is the Gentlemans Pleasure, Not a feel good factor but Well 1st time Dates Is is the right thing to do Isnt It?

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Posted on Mon, Jun 05, 2006 23:57

No first date interviews, here. Just pleasant chit chat, people watching, and a lot of kidding around. I do expect my date to pick up the tab as well as plan the date. In return, I offer him companionship and an opportunity to get to know me.

I've never had any horror first dates, just a few blessed with really bad manners. I'll need something to laugh about someday with my grandkids.



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Posted on Mon, Jun 05, 2006 05:09

My only expectation is that it will be interesting conversation. The expectation that it will be fun has been disappointed several times but is still slightly there...

I normally pay, but if the woman is insistant, I take that as a sign that she just wants out clean with no obligations, so I normally let them. If they want to pay, and it is a good "read", I normally offer the solution of "How about I get it this time and you can get it the next".

You would think with a realization of the 75% chance you will never hear from them again, I would wisen up and let them pay there half, but I don't. LOL

I have done most everything as far as first meetings. Coffee(and I hate it, but there is normally alternative drinks), lunch, dinner, drinks. I did a quick drink and a movie once. I have an odd sense of humor and perhaps laughed in the wrong places. Never saw that one again(the movie or the girl). I do like meeting at the bookstore. It is kind of interesting grabbing a drink and then wandering around the bookstore together to see what each one reads...



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Posted on Mon, Jun 05, 2006 02:21

Expectation: Only that there's good conversation, anything more is a bonus.

Guidelines for my first dates:
Never, ever meet for coffee on a after work date. And I'm too busy in the mornings usually, so rarely do I meet for coffee.

If on a MM meeting, I would offer to pay half, but must say if it's taken, it's a turn-off for me. All other first dates, I expect the gentleman to buy. I always have the cash in hand in case he turns out to be a cheapskate, though he'll not see me again! lol



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