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Forgive infidelity???
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Posted on Tue, Jan 10, 2006 14:10

Fortunately, I have always been faithful in my relationships as have my partners. This hypothetical question has been discussed among my friends. Do you think you could forgive infidelity?



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Posted on Fri, Dec 08, 2006 20:14

BnB...I am amazed at the number of people (male & female) on this site who have experienced a spouse cheating on them. In many cases, it has left that person scarred...poisoned against ever trusting or letting someone into their life. And that is very sad. When I first started dating again, I never really understood what 'baggage' was...kids? not letting go of an ex?...but gradually I have been learning it encompasses a myriad of circumstances...this being one of them, if they are unable to trust again after.



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Posted on Fri, May 05, 2006 21:33

Infidelity, cheating of whatever the name is, is lying; but, before lying to somebody, for me it means the person lyies to oneself in the first place. About what? that is the mystery. Many said here it might be a pattern, I agree, and in addition, this issue can be, maybe seen on other levels of the person's character (work, friendship, etc). That might have deep roots when the pattern is so obvious...something like: the person cheats, to be found obviously, and that means to uncounsciously hurt the other person, as maybe they have been hurted...So, it's a projection...So, ladies, in the long run, It's not the case to take it personnaly (yeah, easy to say, when it hurts so much...some might say)...the person has issues...and deep ones...My 2 cents...and sorry for my english!! I experienced that...drove me nuts...so i tried to dissect, to digg a bit more into the dynamic...I was wondering why did I attracted that type of man...hm!...:)



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Posted on Tue, May 02, 2006 11:55

Devoted2FindingU write:
beautynbrains4u write:
Fortunately, I have always been faithful in my relationships as have my partners. This hypothetical question has been discussed among my friends. Do you think you could forgive infidelity?

Does it matter which definition you are forgiving? I looked the word up and found the following.

1. Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.
2. An act of sexual unfaithfulness.
3. Lack of fidelity or loyalty.
4. Lack of religious belief.

Sure the first two bruise the ego. Especially if the lady leaves a man for another woman - would you agree Bob? lol

Seriously though think if your spouse took another lover such as drugs or alcohol. How many disappointments/let downs/ chances should they be given? What if it begins to hurt the family or children.

Oh for those of us that are believers what about the spiritual infidelities?

So ask the question again can you forgive? But which one can't you forgive?

*******
Good thoughts here everyone, As far as the definition of cheating goes, I believe all of those qualify fully, if you're heart has wandered from the one you are sharing your life and bed with, then be a man and end it. Don't drag people around pretending that life is moving forward, and that you are "planning a future" for the two of you. Number 3 in that list is the base of it all, for the sexual or physical part to take place there first has to be an infidelity of spirit, or lack of loyalty. Like they say "where the heart leads" The cheating starts in the mind, and goes from there...so the third item in that list should in fact be first...

  


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Posted on Mon, Feb 27, 2006 14:41

Tasha1978 write:
TallSwtInstblKat write:
Thank you for caring girls. I have never had anyone cheat on me before, not even mentally, not to this extend, I understand that men are visual creatures and they will look, but looking is different than writing sweet things getting sweet responses and making plans to meet... I will be in London perhaps we can meet? Yeah... go ahead! Hurt more women, I wish that only once they would really love someone and they will get the same from someone what they do to them, any woman will see (hopefully sooner than later) what he is about. I am just very hurt. But I hope it will pass soon.
Girls I know it's hard to let go, especially when you love your jerk, but infidelity is not a thing you can forgive or forget, if he did it once, he will do it all the time, especially if he sees you forgave him, than they just take us for a fool. Now I too know how it feels...

I have a theory, if you keep on cutting the same cut over and over it starts to get rotten and will never heal, the same happens to our hearts, I always try to give a person the benefit of the doubt, I believe everyone deserves a chance to be nice to them when you meet them, everyone also deserves a chance when they are being mean, I think to my self "maybe they had a rotten day", but if a person does it over and over I become discouraged and don't like them as much any more, and less with every time they do it.

Cheating... a cheater will always be just that. They WILL do it, whether it's to you or the next woman, but they will. I feel sorry for the next girl who thinks "oh she must have been no good, but he loves me and he will never do it to me" HA! Right... A cheater is a cheater baby, it doesn't matter to him at all, I am childish and naive like that too sometimes, but I am intelligent enough to know certain things, and I have my eyes opened. I always consider the possibility, and I never think I am better than anyone else... If you do, it might return to you trifold. In God's eyes, I want to be OK, I am just Me kitty Kat...lol, I try to be as good as I can, that's what matters.

Bad experiences do change you, harden you, no matter how hard you try to stay unencumbered, I never want to hurt anyone, not even their feelings... unless they push and push too far, I am very patient. I was always like that, and all I get my whole life is people who take my nature for granted, Well finaly...I am getting sick of it, after 34 yrs...lol, but I really am. Just curious why then guys wonder "why women are such .iches" if they are the ones who repeatedly hurt us?

:) not one of us deserves this kind of betrayal. Hugs and Kisses. Kat

I am just very hurt. But I hope it will pass soon.


Kat, Hey! I just wanted to say this, if you want to get over someone, grab some girlfriends go out and party! It really helps. Also try to stay busy, go buy some new clothes, makeup anything that makes you feel good. Last but not least, be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, is this man the one I am going to be with forever, do it honestly,reassure yourself that there is someone there, he is thinking about you,but he does'nt know who you are, vice versa.


Thank you so much for caring. Hugs and Kisses.
Kat

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Posted on Sat, Feb 18, 2006 04:13

TallSwtInstblKat write:
Thank you for caring girls. I have never had anyone cheat on me before, not even mentally, not to this extend, I understand that men are visual creatures and they will look, but looking is different than writing sweet things getting sweet responses and making plans to meet... I will be in London perhaps we can meet? Yeah... go ahead! Hurt more women, I wish that only once they would really love someone and they will get the same from someone what they do to them, any woman will see (hopefully sooner than later) what he is about. I am just very hurt. But I hope it will pass soon.
Girls I know it's hard to let go, especially when you love your jerk, but infidelity is not a thing you can forgive or forget, if he did it once, he will do it all the time, especially if he sees you forgave him, than they just take us for a fool. Now I too know how it feels...

I have a theory, if you keep on cutting the same cut over and over it starts to get rotten and will never heal, the same happens to our hearts, I always try to give a person the benefit of the doubt, I believe everyone deserves a chance to be nice to them when you meet them, everyone also deserves a chance when they are being mean, I think to my self "maybe they had a rotten day", but if a person does it over and over I become discouraged and don't like them as much any more, and less with every time they do it.

Cheating... a cheater will always be just that. They WILL do it, whether it's to you or the next woman, but they will. I feel sorry for the next girl who thinks "oh she must have been no good, but he loves me and he will never do it to me" HA! Right... A cheater is a cheater baby, it doesn't matter to him at all, I am childish and naive like that too sometimes, but I am intelligent enough to know certain things, and I have my eyes opened. I always consider the possibility, and I never think I am better than anyone else... If you do, it might return to you trifold. In God's eyes, I want to be OK, I am just Me kitty Kat...lol, I try to be as good as I can, that's what matters.

Bad experiences do change you, harden you, no matter how hard you try to stay unencumbered, I never want to hurt anyone, not even their feelings... unless they push and push too far, I am very patient. I was always like that, and all I get my whole life is people who take my nature for granted, Well finaly...I am getting sick of it, after 34 yrs...lol, but I really am. Just curious why then guys wonder "why women are such .iches" if they are the ones who repeatedly hurt us?

:) not one of us deserves this kind of betrayal. Hugs and Kisses. Kat

I am just very hurt. But I hope it will pass soon.


Kat, Hey! I just wanted to say this, if you want to get over someone, grab some girlfriends go out and party! It really helps. Also try to stay busy, go buy some new clothes, makeup anything that makes you feel good. Last but not least, be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, is this man the one I am going to be with forever, do it honestly,reassure yourself that there is someone there, he is thinking about you,but he does'nt know who you are, vice versa.

  
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Posted on Fri, Feb 17, 2006 08:28

NYCHICK write:
infidelity means lying,, its work to cheat.. how do u accept someone that lied and betrayed u? will the relationship ever be the same.. i say he cheats..pack his stuff and let him stay there.. there was no mistakes or justification for someone to lie to your face.. bye bye cheater


Agree with you there is no excuse or justification, you commit in a relationship you be honest till the last day you mutually agree the union won't work and it is best to part ways. Then do whatever you want, it is your freedom.

BQ



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Posted on Fri, Feb 17, 2006 04:29

Thank you for caring girls. I have never had anyone cheat on me before, not even mentally, not to this extend, I understand that men are visual creatures and they will look, but looking is different than writing sweet things getting sweet responses and making plans to meet... I will be in London perhaps we can meet? Yeah... go ahead! Hurt more women, I wish that only once they would really love someone and they will get the same from someone what they do to them, any woman will see (hopefully sooner than later) what he is about. I am just very hurt. But I hope it will pass soon.
Girls I know it's hard to let go, especially when you love your jerk, but infidelity is not a thing you can forgive or forget, if he did it once, he will do it all the time, especially if he sees you forgave him, than they just take us for a fool. Now I too know how it feels...

I have a theory, if you keep on cutting the same cut over and over it starts to get rotten and will never heal, the same happens to our hearts, I always try to give a person the benefit of the doubt, I believe everyone deserves a chance to be nice to them when you meet them, everyone also deserves a chance when they are being mean, I think to my self "maybe they had a rotten day", but if a person does it over and over I become discouraged and don't like them as much any more, and less with every time they do it.

Cheating... a cheater will always be just that. They WILL do it, whether it's to you or the next woman, but they will. I feel sorry for the next girl who thinks "oh she must have been no good, but he loves me and he will never do it to me" HA! Right... A cheater is a cheater baby, it doesn't matter to him at all, I am childish and naive like that too sometimes, but I am intelligent enough to know certain things, and I have my eyes opened. I always consider the possibility, and I never think I am better than anyone else... If you do, it might return to you trifold. In God's eyes, I want to be OK, I am just Me kitty Kat...lol, I try to be as good as I can, that's what matters.

Bad experiences do change you, harden you, no matter how hard you try to stay unencumbered, I never want to hurt anyone, not even their feelings... unless they push and push too far, I am very patient. I was always like that, and all I get my whole life is people who take my nature for granted, Well finaly...I am getting sick of it, after 34 yrs...lol, but I really am. Just curious why then guys wonder "why women are such .iches" if they are the ones who repeatedly hurt us?

:) not one of us deserves this kind of betrayal. Hugs and Kisses. Kat

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Posted on Thu, Feb 09, 2006 15:00

Hi Kat,
Sorry to hear things didn't work out, you must have had an "internet addict". I'd not heard this term before, but was told about it & apparently it's a case of hoping something better will come along. What a load of crap, he's just friends and they're a substitution because he's lonely & missing you.

You're an attractive woman & certainly don't need to waste time with a man who doesn't want to be with you and only you.

Once I've found someone I'm interested in, I stop looking period! I'm a one man woman and want a one woman man. If they're not sure, then why start up a relationship with someone who clearly wants commitment?

I too believe there is that one good man out there who feels the same way I do, keep your chin up & keep looking Kat.

  


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Posted on Wed, Feb 08, 2006 13:19

Jeez Gem... he was an azzz. I had been seeing this guy from Egypt recently. I used to stay with him at his house alot until I could tell something was wrong. His phone would ring at his house always in the middle of the night. He would never answer it. After not answering, his cell would ring. he told me it was either Amex or the Discovery card people trying to get him to raise his card limit. I was like come on!! And he would say "for real Tasha". "You know how much I care about you". I caught him though. I went by his house one night after I got off work ,unexpected, which is something I would never do,but did lol He was'nt home. I called his cell phone. I asked him what he was up to, he said nothing what about you? I said oh, just driving home, where are you? He answered pulling up at my house. I said oh that's funny, I am sitting outside your house and I see 4 white cars and none of them are a Lexus. Him being an azzz said "what? you lied to me Tasha"! "I thought you were on your way home". Anyhow, I told him I did'nt want to see him anymore.That was the end of that. Anyhow, (SOME) not all, lol can come up with some stuff. I guess we are supposed to believe it...



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Posted on Tue, Feb 07, 2006 22:11

I have met someone on here, he was charming and sweet, and seemed very honest, he told me everything about him self, vices and virtues, he also told me he admires women with muscular bodies, it was fine... I was even willing to work on my body for him. After a few months I started to find out he writes to these women and talks to them as sweet as he did to me. When I confronted him he told me they are just friends and a substitution for when we are apart. I can understand that we do get the physical needs and all that as long as he didn't meet them in person and satisfy his loneliness that way I was ok with it, but when I find corespondence of intending to meet one of them,or... oh you make me feel so great, Dreaming of you, I am waiting for you, kisses. When I know he says everything to these women that he says to me, (well except for the big L word) how can I believe?
It does NOT make me feel special or beautiful, not at all. It hurts very deeply. Hurts so bad. I couldn't continue... I don't think I deserve this, no one does. I want a man who will love me and admire me and make me feel beautiful not second best. I am not "all that" but I am not bad, figure and face, and maybe, just maybe... there is a man out there who will appreciate my good heart, the way I make him feel, the way I look... Some day, some day. I still believe...



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Posted on Tue, Feb 07, 2006 06:53

Oh Cutiepie,that sucks... My second husband alway's cheated on me.I never got lucky enough to get close to any of the women. I found out that he had been seeing my neighbor. I did tell her that if she came outside, that I would beat the brakes off of her. She ratted me out to the office manager to the complex. A couple of days later I got an eviction notice. Anyhow the woman did'nt come home until after I moved a few weeks later. But the best revenge of all was after I accepted the fact that he would never fully love me and finished all of my crying, I woke up like a zombie. I had no emotion, no feeling, it was just like I had ice in my veins. Now that I do not want him anymore, he constantly tells me how much he wants another chance, and how much he misses me. I will never go back. He does'nt deserve me. The only good thing I got out of that was my son...

  


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Posted on Sat, Feb 04, 2006 18:30

GeminiDi write:
In my marriage, by the time my ex was cheating, I really didn't care. In fact, the girls and I got quite a big laugh at his ridiculous excuses for being gone from home. One Saturday, he had been gone all day to take the brand new, top-of-the-line riding lawn mower to the repair shop to get it "fixed." Late that evening, my 7-year-old son asked where his dad was. After telling him, he said, "But Mother, the lawn mower is in the back yard." HE FORGOT TO TAKE IT WITH HIM! LOL A few weeks later, he spent an entire Saturday to get a new muffler installed on my car. He had lots of details, the name of the shop, the lengthy time required to get the job done, etc. Two weeks later, the muffler fell off in the middle of the road!!! We picked it up, put it in the trunk, and went indignantly directly to the shop! After listening to me rant about shoddy workmanship, the muffler guy said, "Ma'am, I've never seen this car before." Since I was led to believe that it was an all-day job, I was reluctant to get it fixed at the time (I had three kids in the car, after all!); however, once he informed me that it could be done in 30 minutes, I allowed him to proceed!!!

As I said, by this time, with the deterioration of a marriage in which only one of us was involved, it didn't even matter to me that he was cheating. What DID HURT was that EVERYONE IN TOWN KNEW BEFORE I DID!!! That was humiliating.

Now, with my ex-b/f, it was totally different. He thought that it was ok to cheat as long as it was with his ex. I was devasted and spent two years trying to get him to realize that his "friendship" with her was detrimental to our relationship. I never succeeded, so I ended it.

Do I think it's ok to cheat? Absolutely not! Are people human and make mistakes? Yes. So I think each case is different, but I can't imagine that I would FORGIVE OR FORGET again.

I believe in an honest, open relationship. If someone wants someone else besides me -- and only me -- then he needs to leave me alone! It's only fair.

There's my stance. I dislike lying, cheating, half-truths, anything deceitful in any form.

Gem


You are right Gem, ridiculous excuses,excess drinking to drown their guilt.

I can forgive a person for cheating but never hop in bed again..I feel very filthy just to lie beside them in bed..I forgave my ex but when it came for kissing I could barely do it after I knew what type of person she was...for sex I couldn't do it anymore.

It will always be in the back of your mind what he or she is...you will always have this distrust of them regardless of your good intention.

My old buddy of 28 years got the same result as me and he said it was always in the back of his mind when he tried to reconcile with her after 8 years of divorce.

I would not think like this of a new lady in my life as she has no history and I can't base her on my ex and I would not try neither. I would accept her as a clean bill of health.

BQ



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Posted on Sat, Feb 04, 2006 05:59

infidelity means lying,, its work to cheat.. how do u accept someone that lied and betrayed u? will the relationship ever be the same.. i say he cheats..pack his stuff and let him stay there.. there was no mistakes or justification for someone to lie to your face.. bye bye cheater



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Posted on Fri, Feb 03, 2006 17:29

k, I'm going back to sleep....



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Posted on Fri, Feb 03, 2006 15:48

Oh I didnt beat her, I merely banged her around a little bit to get her attention make her stand there and watch me beat the crap out of him. I was just getting her attention and wanted to make sure she was too afraid to leave. I wanted her to watch. I mean who would want a punk that just got his buttt beat by a little 5'2 pissed off female? It was entirely his fault and after that evening, I never bothered her again. But he got what was coming to him and thats all that mattered.

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Posted on Fri, Feb 03, 2006 07:44

LASTONENSTOCK write:

thegoodlife421 write:

bobsthename write:
the best way to forgive infidelity is to have sex with the one that was unfaithful. that teaches them a lesson.



Touche, Bob, we girls constantly err this way, myself included!



Maybe I am a little slow today, but what lesson does that teach? To sleep with the person who was unfaithful to you?

Lorrie, I think bob is being facetious...using humour to diffuse the hurt from his own experience.



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Posted on Fri, Feb 03, 2006 07:11

thegoodlife421 write:

bobsthename write:
the best way to forgive infidelity is to have sex with the one that was unfaithful. that teaches them a lesson.



Touche, Bob, we girls constantly err this way, myself included!


Maybe I am a little slow today, but what lesson does that teach? To sleep with the person who was unfaithful to you?



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Posted on Fri, Feb 03, 2006 06:33

bobsthename write:
the best way to forgive infidelity is to have sex with the one that was unfaithful. that teaches them a lesson.


Touche, Bob, we girls constantly err this way, myself included!



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Posted on Thu, Feb 02, 2006 17:17

redhead524 write:

cutiepie01 write: so forgive? nope! i think if a person feels they need or want to cheat, then they should end the relationship they are in first.



I do feel for you, cutiepie, and applaud your "final answer", but why is it you beat her up rather than placing the blame on your man? Is he not the one who really cheated on you?

This is typical of infidelity - from both genders - it's easier to blame the other woman/man than to lie the blame where it really belongs: with the one who cheated, not the other person who happened to get tangled in another's deceit.


Cutiepie,

I can totally sympathize, it wreaks havoc with your heart when confronted with infidelity, and yes anger is pretty much the first emotion to show up, but I agree with Redhead on who to direct your anger at.

I never really had anger for the many women my late husband had his affairs with, I always directed it to him, I felt he was the one who owed me something, not the ladies.

I did wonder why they'd choose to get involved with a married man, but with the sheer number involved, I realized I was in the minority.

Two of the ladies called the day of his funeral asking if it would be okay to attend. I told them calmly no, I didn't want them there, my family didn't want them there, nor did his family. I wondered if they had any brains at all at this point, but quickly answered my own question. Both did have the good sense not to show.

Absolutely nothing really surprises me anymore when it comes to what people do!

  


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