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Borderline Personality Disorders
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Posted on Wed, Jun 11, 2008 22:22

If someone can get the message out to MagicMaker that I would like to discuss this disorder with her, I'd appreciate it.



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Posted on Sat, Jul 21, 2007 05:18

Distance and "No-contact" are required in dealing with a BPD, with you as the "Non".

Putting everything in writing helps--but they twist those things, too.

Save your sanity and cut-off contact as much as you can.

Therapy helps you deal with your fantasy of "Needing to rescue, etc".

Good luck.



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Posted on Mon, Jan 01, 2007 13:29

Bob
You are getting hammered because you are allowing yourself back into the situation....sit this one out...forever.

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Posted on Wed, Oct 11, 2006 22:19

Re:


So beauty, you just have to have the latest in treads? and here I was seeing 4" heels there unless you went with the camo gear. titanium kicks!!

Re:



Now Blue, who said the titanium kicks don't come with 4 inch heels?? Just get's a little wobbly during a good run, LOL!

Re:



just picturing 4" heels on nikes makes me LMAO!!! those platform tennis shoes are so funny looking--got to be so that when you step on a stone you don't feel it so good in dirt road country rather than in the city....as you runny wobbly on any height, I think you've got it all mastered and licked. but watching you wobbling by might be worth the shoes!!

Re:




LOL Blue...I imagine you get a little wobbly at times too! what kick's do you wear, New Balance?

Re:



new balance? well thank you, only the ones with velcro so my old arthritic fingers don't have to tie them, along with my cane and wheeled walker!!! you are so bad, just be sure you don't wobble and fall off those 4" in my zone or you'll end up with a rosy bottom!!

Re:




"Fine mess ya got me in , Ollie"

Blue, you misunderstood my meaning...LOL!



so help an old duffer understand what you meant?



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Posted on Wed, Oct 11, 2006 19:35

Lying and infidelity - to me are more personality traits - I will explain
The first when someone could develop this 'reaction' because they fear for some reason, or shy to tell the truth. This might be because of self-worth, where they feel they are not good enough...or scared of a reaction.

When someone has a fragile sense of self, for example they might have experienced trauma and developed a persona to present to the world..they are not always able to present their feelings and vulnerability. They might be hiding what they are truely feeling and thinking...acting out instead. Again this is a personality trait - an ego form.
On how people develop multiple personalities..From my understanding - and from what I see, some people seem to develop a new personality for each trauma, crisis. They might portray themselves differently to differnt people. It is when they completely lose their true self, that there is a point of no return. When personality becomes either destructive to itself or towards other people...then this is the danger sign.

Regarding infidelity...some people are faithful partners through conditioning..others have this within their own being. I have known completely faithful people and hurt thy go the oppositive way which can be extremely damaging - some people feed pain with something
'shameful' - they self destruct.
Women are generally in touch with their emotions and want and need to feel loved etc before they will be with a man. However for a great many years, possibly since the begining of time, there are women who indulge.
Men, some are chaste too..could be conditioning, could be personality - they just want one woman. There are a great many who are in touch with their hormones...They might sow their seed. They do not always see infidelity as something wrong..Some happily married guys have extra sexual encounters as a means to an end. Some men also do this to feed their pain. Maybe other people might like to share their experience.



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Posted on Wed, Oct 11, 2006 19:02

Bob, to move ahead you need to make the decision to find someone who is worthy of the love you offer. If you have deep feelings for this person, maybe consider counselling to resolve the underlying issues and get empowered.
It seems as if you have been stuck in this cycle (I also understand this having been in your position, though not with someone who was cheating on me) What are you getting from this experience? What did you hope or expect? When are you going to allow your healing to take place?
The fact is that you invested a lot of time and energy with someone who did not meet your needs. You have been let down, this has also pressed you in other areas. Do you want someone to love you for you - and be faithful to you also? You deserve this if you want it! I am sure many people can relate to your experience...Being with someone who cannot make a commitment or give of themselves can impact our own process. Being stuck in a destructive cycle though, can make make us drained and even ill. All our relationships and friendships offer us a chance for personal growth. What do you really want in life? Make a list of the qualities you seek in another person...This experience has shown you what not to look for in a partner...Maybe you were not ready at the time and this is why you met. Postives can come out of this...#
Your sharing is appreciated. Rooting for you to find real mutual love :)



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Posted on Mon, Oct 09, 2006 15:53

Maybe I did not make myself entirely clear...If you know they are BPD they also have their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Either that or we become their chosen victims, which might apply anyway. If you are dealing with someone who has been abandoned a few times in life, they could have a programme going on to continually test and push...it is all about his self destruct. When there is no change and you sit and explain continually - at what point do you let go. Regarding lying, because their personality is fragmented, this is seemingly a trait.
It hurts.....it really does if you love that person, but we have to also think of own self preservation.
Regarding infidelity, there are many who do this and do not even think of taking precautions...they do not think of diseases they might bring to their partners - and that could apply to anyone who is that way inclined.
If we have known and loved people with diagnosed/undiagnosed BPD, we can appreciate the mental anguish and emotional turmoil - which I am sure you have gone through. At least you are no longer in that relationship; clearly learnt a lot from it and are more wise to find someone who shares the same values as you. Not everyone with BPD are unfaithful partners...in fact a few people I have worked with, they just want love and emotional security..and most mentally healthy people want this to!!!
We are all complex as human beings - we are much more than our physical appearance. These relationship experiences and with all the other people we encounter, help us grow and learn 'about ourselves'
It is ok to admit we feel let down, or that invested too much of ourselves...Maybe this is revealing that in future you need to be doing the choosing in relationships and getting your emotional needs met. It does not matter what we learn from text books...we get a greater understanding from experience - and from there we can determine what we want.
Good luck for the future:)



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Posted on Sun, Oct 08, 2006 07:37

beautynbrains4u write:
big22blue write:
beautynbrains4u write:
big22blue write:
So beauty, you just have to have the latest in treads? and here I was seeing 4" heels there unless you went with the camo gear. titanium kicks!!

Re:



Now Blue, who said the titanium kicks don't come with 4 inch heels?? Just get's a little wobbly during a good run, LOL!

Re:



just picturing 4" heels on nikes makes me LMAO!!! those platform tennis shoes are so funny looking--got to be so that when you step on a stone you don't feel it so good in dirt road country rather than in the city....as you runny wobbly on any height, I think you've got it all mastered and licked. but watching you wobbling by might be worth the shoes!!

Re:




LOL Blue...I imagine you get a little wobbly at times too! what kick's do you wear, New Balance?

Re:



new balance? well thank you, only the ones with velcro so my old arthritic fingers don't have to tie them, along with my cane and wheeled walker!!! you are so bad, just be sure you don't wobble and fall off those 4" in my zone or you'll end up with a rosy bottom!!



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Posted on Sat, Oct 07, 2006 21:32

The worse thing with people with BPD - they can be demanding and destabilise us...so if you enjoy emotional roller coaster rides, this might not be a problem. It takes a strong person to live with someone with mental illness. Seeing your partners ups and downs entails living with these experiences also.

There is no cut and dry reason why someone might become BPD, because I have encountered many through helping people - everyone has different experiences. The most difficult is walking away from someone you have deep feelings for (personal life) - and know if you stay you might both suffer as a consequence, whether being mentally and emotionally drained - or for as long as the drama continues.

Some people can be complex beings and are not always aware of the affect they have on others - but then we allow ourselves to care...get involved...often we know from the start that we will not get our own emotional needs met. With clients there is always a professional distance. The people I have encountered with BPD have all been lovely people, quite insecure and needy...also sometimes their label makes matters worse - where some have seen themselves as a problem and not as a human being. Before I leave, I met a girl with 6 psychiatric labels - and she said to me 'I am confused, I just do not know who I am any more'. Well no wonder...

Sometimes the label in itself can be more damaging. This might be given by a psychiatrist to someone who does not express openly what is really going on for them. We need to be careful not to be too quick to judge..we also never know when life experiences will smack us hard...or how overnight our lives can be devastated. If you can truly love someone who is needy and vulnerable....then you deserve respect - without judgement.



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Posted on Fri, Oct 06, 2006 07:51

beautynbrains4u write:
big22blue write:
So beauty, you just have to have the latest in treads? and here I was seeing 4" heels there unless you went with the camo gear. titanium kicks!!

Re:



Now Blue, who said the titanium kicks don't come with 4 inch heels?? Just get's a little wobbly during a good run, LOL!

Re:



just picturing 4" heels on nikes makes me LMAO!!! those platform tennis shoes are so funny looking--got to be so that when you step on a stone you don't feel it so good in dirt road country rather than in the city....as you runny wobbly on any height, I think you've got it all mastered and licked. but watching you wobbling by might be worth the shoes!!



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Posted on Wed, Oct 04, 2006 14:57

Magimaker what an incredible post and how true it is.
See Bob fell in love with his BPD not unlike the love Joe Dimaggio felt for Maryln Monore even he couldn't handle her but neither could he stop loving her.

The abadonment issues are so real it's just that the BPD usually was abused or left or rejected as a child.
So the fear is always there and to the men who have loved these women because there are more women like this then men.
Sometimes a BPD will move on to be with a replacement only so they do not have to be alone.
See Bob sweetie you and I are great friends and you are successful , beautiful home, highly achieved you can be alone with yourself and happy unfortunatelt the BPD lives through others vicariously.
Acceptance that you have the disease and learning to Trust and that you have to love yourself before you can really give love is the key.
Never hate them they already probably hate themselves and are at a high risk for suicide to them a break -up can be like death even if they don't show it.
XO dorms



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Posted on Wed, Oct 04, 2006 10:01

The real problem, I believe, is when we regard the emotions of someone with bpd -- in particular, the "love" they express to us -- as if they are like the emotions of healthy people. It's understandable, I did it, but it leads only to heartbreak and confusion. The "love" my BPD felt for me was largely a function of her inability to be alone, her fear and sense of helplessness, her other opportunities, etc. Because it wasn't love in any ordinary sense, it could disappear and appear in ways that true love rarely if ever does. She may have even thought it was love, and I wanted to believe it and did sometimes. But it wasn't.

My sad point, of course, is there's no sense in yearning for what you once had, because you didn't have what you feel you did. If her feelings "come back" -- and they could -- they will come back with the same limitations as before. The feelings can be lost just as easily again. All you can get back is an opportunity to repeat the same experience, or to have one that is essentially the same. It sucks. But reality won't change just because I hurt so badly and wish that it would.

It's all an illusion of love...by a phantom lover.



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Posted on Tue, Oct 03, 2006 13:01

Bob,
I stopped really reading the back and forths between you and teresa a few pages ago.I have a master's degree in psychology and I wanted to share my opinion.Yes, BPD is an incredibly difficult disorder to treat.DBT has been shown to be the most effective treatments for BPD's, but it's certainly not a cure-all.So many BPD's are practically impossible to treat.The problem with BPD's is finding a way to convince them to change their behavior patterns.The BPD person craves intimacy and yet is terrified by it at the same time.They are in a constant state of panic that they will be abandoned.The problem is that they constantly set up situations for themselves where they absolutely will be abandoned.And to them this proves that they're a worthless piece of shit whom everyone will abandon eventually.Yes, they're usually quite smart which is what enables them to be so incredibly manipulative. BPD is an incredibly sad and destructive disorder both to the person who suffers from it and to the people around them.
Now Bob, I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but I've got to level with you here. You have an unresolved issue. Whatever that issue may be, you clearly have not dealt with it properly or else you would not constantly let this woman back into your life. Believe me, I know how manipulative BPD's can be. My family was almost destroyed by one. But there is something going on with you that allows you to take her back each time. You are a smart and mature man. Intellect and age are the two things that really allow us to learn from our mistakes.Once you deal with your own issue(s) you'll be able to put up the necessary boundaries to prevent this woman from re-entering your life. But here's the kicker Bob, and the thing that you're probably not leveling with yourself about - you have to stop wanting her back in your life. From reading your posts I can see that this woman holds a special place in your heart.Until you let go, she will always find a way back in.



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Posted on Mon, Oct 02, 2006 21:36

Now when you think of Borderline personality think of Marilyn Monroe and her child like vulnerability..her quest to be loved and she let many men use her...
she had been abadoned Marilyn Monroe think of Princess Di she had this disorder but the comparission is not that of Glen Closes character in Fatal Attraction in my opinion....that is an unfair parallel to BPDs and not at all what most BPD's are like and they have a higher suicide rate then Manic Depressives.. a Narcistic person would be the most manipulating and a Sociopath and often Borderline Personality is brought on by a shock such as sexual abuse...repeated childhood abuse but there is always a child-like look to the world to them all bad or all good.black



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Posted on Mon, Oct 02, 2006 21:09

So beauty, you just have to have the latest in treads? and here I was seeing 4" heels there unless you went with the camo gear. titanium kicks!!



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Posted on Sun, Oct 01, 2006 17:06

This is just some of the 2006 statements of love she made to me that sucked me in. Never mind 2005, 2004.

"If we can't be together, how can I show you that I'm better?"

"I'll show you...through work and through us...that old person is history. It's all history....I love you."

"I want you to be with me...forever."

"To me, you are the biggest decision in my life."

"You've never left my mind...not once...since I met you."

"How, HOW on earth could I ever be without you?"

"If it takes us months to build our relationship back....I'll wait. If it takes us a year...two years...to get there...I'm in. Bottom line is....I hope to marry you.....I love you."

"You are the man of my dreams and I don't want to see you as anything but that....ever."

"I have never met anyone like you before in my life..you are incredible."

"You are a beautiful person, inside and out...all the way through."

"we need to validate ourselves."

"All people need is to see us together?in a committed relationship?and they?ll know its for real, true love."

"We?ll work through it together."

"thoughts don't go away"

"this time is different"

"I just don't want to be with anyone else ever"

"I only want you"

"I?m going to stay on track this time."

"I'm not that person anymore...not anymore."

"time is passing us by"

"I am doing everything now to make that person die...go away forever."

"it's that simple"

"I want to live our fairytale that's been in front of me for too long....so let's make today the first day."

BTW after she wrote the last line, a few hours later she writes me and says..."I need you to give me the week."

..when someone gets hammered like this, maybe you can understand the horrific mental abuse I've been thru. And I would bet she has sent the same stuff to her partner...when does it end? It doesn't...they did it before me with someone else and they'll be playing the same games on someone else or me in the future.



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Posted on Sat, Sep 30, 2006 15:18

beautynbrains4u write:
big22blue write:
beautynbrains4u write:
Can't seem to find my words lately on the forums....post,delete... Suffice to say, Life is sure full of some trippy sh*it!

beauty, me too!! do they edit what we write?


Yes Blue, maybe your being too naughty, LOL! But I edit more of what I write than they do!

Re:



actually I do to. too naughts>> nah--more is always better



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Posted on Sat, Sep 30, 2006 09:46

I read this today,
"What is known about BPD, is what Christine Ann Lawson Ph.D. says n her work Understanding The Borderline Mother and what Stuart C. Yudofsky says in his work Fatal Flaws: Navigating Destructive Relationships With People With Disorders Of Personality And Character and what other writers no less then the authors of Stop Walking On Eggshells have stated: these disorders make it impossible to raise balanced children. How could any one have a balanced approach to life when they have been a ping-pong ball between the extremes of Fear Of Reality one second to the Denial Of Reality the next. It simply can't be done. Most children born into the hell of having a BPD parent are almost doomed."


Bob: When my BPD told me about her kid watching her get assaulted multiple times by her partner...well - hey, I was there once and her partner said the kid wouldn't remember seeing the assaults. Like I said this couple doesn't give a crap about their kid as long as it gets used in their sick love games.


"BP's do not, in short, exist in a vaccuum, that is in part why recovery is hard. There is little support. It means going against the parental bond and admitting there never was one, it means cutting off from family, and no matter how horrible they are, it is still very scary and hard. It can mean cutting out social activities which provide comfort and people who they are used to. While entrenched in the old relationships, the BP is consistantly pulled back into the past and into the dysfunction - that situation prevents a reality check or re-education for the BP"

Bob: and I offered my BPD the hand to get out of the abyss. All that I required was decency and commitment. I got neither...and that is why I kept rejecting her. Holy cow, when someone offers you the light at the end of the tunnel and you go running back to hell??? I end up being punished severely for my actions of love...and that's what really sucks.



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Posted on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 22:04

Trying to rationalize it Griffy is the big mistake. I tell myself...I'm not him (her partner who she cheats on). And everyone in the BPD site says BOB - YOU ARE HIM! And none of it makes sense...someone said a BPD is just a mirror. Ask them who they are and you will hear a pin drop...the difference between BPD and the rest of us. They are great mirrors though and morph into what we want them to be. However, they are just a mirror, and the next Joe walking down the street might just look into it and it starts all over again. How horrible a person is a BPD? I was an honest, respectible, decent human being contributing generously to society...and my interaction with this BPD changed all that. She would site words like "we will be great together"..."we will be admired"...hmmm...let me think here, together we have certainly not been admired...nor were we great. We were despised together and viewed as losers. If she wasn't ill, we would have been great together, powerful, and admired...but that is not possible. And obviously those things weren't important to her...not at all. Because where she is now, living in a junkyard, with a guy with no friends who she calls the king of porn who is convicted of domestic assault, who people laugh at or shake their heads in disgust when they are seen together. So I don't think she was after power, love, respect, a great relationship and admiration, because she has none of that where she is now. It must be the sex. What else could it be? Maybe security because she can manipulate her partner as there are no boundaries. Ah...who knows, you'll never know because the BPD lies about everything.



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Posted on Fri, Sep 29, 2006 11:30

Thanks for the response. It is in the way past for me but sometimes I need to ask myself why would I want all that drama and chaos in my life when I think of her.
I think most non BP people have had the experience with a person with this disability sometime in thier life. However I don't think many even realize what a serious disorder it really is.
Bob will pay the price when he falls from the roller coater and splats on the pavement. The crash for the non BP is always more severe for the non bp because the level mind trys to reason it away by trying to make sense of it all. In the end we find that what we experience is just not explanable.



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