Since the behavior lately here is so ... well ...you know. I decided to have some FUN with it.
After speaking on the subject with my very good friend and esteemed culture poet and satirist, Whoopie Shakespeare, she composed the following jingle, which I thought fit to post with her permission:
Th' Queen of Hearts din't make no tarts,
nor had she a repootation for bein's one.
She had a repootation for bein's otha things,
but not so's much a tart.
Th' Knave of Hearts ... Or Knavess, sh*it I dunno?
Anyways ... she din't steal no tarts,
'cause th' Queen din't make none.
Yuh dig so far?
Now this Knavess, she decides to open
a can of whoopa*ss on th' Queen.
Not 'cause of th' tarts, nossir!
But 'cause of her repootation!
Th' King of Hearts sez "Where's my tarts?",
Knavess sez "bi*tch din't make none".
But she's makin' a whole lotta sumthin' else.
I thinkin' she needs herself a spankin'.
Th' Queen of Hearts ... shakin' in all her parts,
sez "Sire, wuzn't me that did it".
"My rep is bad n' that makes me sad,
but I had nuthin' to do wid it".
Th' Knavess of Hearts, throwin' verbal darts,
sez: "bi*tch, I know it wuz you".
"You cain't get outta it, in fact, you prouda it,
so shut yuh piehole and face th' music".
Th' King of Hearts got tired o' this right quick.
"Listen fools. Fo' airin' somethin' so stinky,
I'm liable to just spank you both,
an' I promise, ain't gonna be kinky!"
Sez th' King of Hearts to th' Queen of Hearts,
"git back on that throne, an' lose them pouty lips".
An' sez th' King of Hearts to th' Knavess of Hearts,
"An' forget th' dang tarts, and git us some fish an' chips".
Yeah okay ... so I next tried to get Andrew Dice Clay to guest in for us. I figured his rendition of Little Miss Muffet would fit well in here if he gave it a little twist. But the Diceman was busy doing commercials for online gambling websites. Oh well.
I decided to try a different angle ... I remembered that Terry Bradshaw, the former QB who guided the Steelers to four Super Bowl win, used to not only read poetry for elementary schools in the old RIF program, but also composed his own music. I was sure Terry could come up with something for us, so I called ESPN to inquire about his availability.
Unfortunately, Terry was not able to accomodate us due to his schedule. But interestingly enough ... they were sympathetic to our cause ... and offered up Chris Berman to stand in instead.
Chris Berman is the guy who ... well ... looks-wise, they should have gotten him to play Fred in the Flintstones movie instead of John Goodman. He has certain buzz phrases he uses in his delivery ... when a football player breaks loose for a long gain, Chris' favorite phrase is "he could go ... all ... the ... way". And, he has a nickname for every athlete you can name ... for example, Randy Moss to Chris is Randy "gathers no" Moss.
So ... having been given Chris' email address ... I contacted him and asked him to check our forums ... referring to the ... you know. His response to my request after perusing our forums was ... a bit different ... we're into the NFL season now and he gets tunneled in I guess. But it was enlightening ... apparently he decided to spread it around a little. I posted it below.
"Hello again sports fans, this is Chris Berman of ESPN.
I'm relaxing at my computer, which is in my den.
I'm here to fulfill an unusual request,
which was made at one of your members' behest.
"An analysis in Rhyme is what I will give,
of people who by their computers live
on a dating site for millionaires,
some members are sporty, and some are squares.
"So little Miss Muffett, sat on her tuffit
reading over her playbook ... er .. her email.
Along came a limey,
who thought Miss Muffett slimy,
and decided to rant and to rail.
"Hey, I'm pretty good with a nursery rhyme,
an "interesting" way to spend my time.
I'm glad I communed with Ugly "Kid Joe" Rockling,
and that he sent me in here, to do the talking.
"Peter, Peter ... er ... I dunno if he is a pumpkin eater.
Wears a straw hat and a beater,
A good modest chap, not given to bravura,
and he kinda looks like Jesse Ventura.
"Yeah, I'm glad I gave this poetry a toss,
bet I get more passes than Randy ... uh ... Moss,
so listen up now ladies, while I regale
your NY "Yankees" CHICK with a wholesome tale.
"There was a little girl, who had a little curl
and she ought to enjoy my rhymin's
When she was good, she was very very good,
and when she was bad she got diamonds.
"You know, I may've found me a new career,
I could tell ESPN to kiss my rear.
Although I am running a bit short on time,
I'll thrill all you ladies with one more rhyme.
"Looky & Cubby, puddins'and pies
invited to Columbus, gals and guys.
They came from afar to party and play,
and some of them went ... all ... the ... way!"
"Ladies and Gentlemen ... this is Chris Berman ... thank you and good night!"
Well, a thank you indeed to Chris. Next up will be either Alice Cooper or Steven Wright ... whichever I can book first.