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How to tell if he's MARRIED
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Posted on Wed, Mar 29, 2006 14:07

OK, the subject keeps coming up, and women on this site keep getting burned. So let's talk about it, OK?

Frankly, if a woman hasn't thoroughly checked out a man's vitals (and I don't mean the ones in his pants) by the time she starts sleeping with him . . . well, perhaps she's getting what she deserves, but I'll be charitable and conclude she's just foolish. My two cents.

Ladies, you don't even MEET this guy until you get

1) HIS REAL NAME, and
2) where he WORKS

A ten second internet search is all it takes to verify who this man is, or isn't.

And you verify his home address BEFORE you sleep with him. What, you want to end up some unidentified corpse on some prime-time Great Crimes TV show? Any time I meet a new man I tell my sister EXACTLY where I'm going, so she can tell the cops, just in case I disappear.

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Posted on Thu, Nov 09, 2006 13:36

TripleS,

thank you at looking at it from my side and for understanding why I did what I did. I'm very 'all or nothing'. If I'm your friend, then I will be there for you and have your back. I can get a little too deep for some people's comfort, so I tend to connect with others, that are also open to thinking and looking at themselves beyond the outside. When I do trust someone then I'm an open book and don't have any boundaries on what I'm willing to talk about. That person will get to know the bottom of my soul. But if I feel that someone betrayed that trust by lying, as in this case, or something else, and if I then have to filter their words through 'is this the truth or another lie ?' Then there's something irretrievably lost. At that point my walls go up and I don't really care to keep that person in my life and jusdt shift them down to an 'acquaintance level'. As you suggested yourself, I don't keep those people in my life.

I may not be the easiest person to deal with, but I walk to the beat of my own drum and life's better that way.

Michaela



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Posted on Wed, Nov 08, 2006 22:36

Michaela,

I certainly see where you are coming from and knowing that you genuinely valued the friendship; took this person into your trust and shared intimate details means that you made yourself volunerable and I understand how you must feel. More than anything, I am sorry that you lost a trusted friend and confidant.

Personally, I feel that we are starting to rely on technology rather than listening to our intuition and assessing facts with our sense and intellect. We need to take the time to know, truly know, those who we have intimate friendships with in our life.

Friends, I feel the more eccentric the better. At least they are interesting and have original thoughts. If someone lies, it's their problem. I didn't ask them to do it. It is their free will. I don't take on others bs.

I suspect that you had strong intuitions that's why you went as far as you did. Something was off.

If someone is not in alignment with the kind of person you want in your life, walk away. I've explained it to a friend recently in this manner. Life is a symphony where people will come in and out of your life. The symphony never ends, it simply changes with each person.

Michaela, thanks for explaining your thoughts and reasoning.



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Posted on Tue, Nov 07, 2006 09:09

Triple S,

TZrust and honesty are the most important criteria for me to allow myself to get close to people, whether it's in a relationship or a platonic friendship (as this one was).

What's wrong with using intelius to find out who else lives together with him, after finding his own description of being married on his own website? It's not as if I did a background check. I could have checked him way before this or had done a more in-depth search, but I didn't, because I choose to trust him and felt that he was an honest person. And I treated him as such until.....

I differenciate between acquaintences, casual friends and friends. And I thought that he was a friend and I trusted him with private thoughts. He did as well, but later of course I had to wonder how many other things weren't honest from his side. I thought we were emotionally close and I was obviously wrong. So, yes, it was my fault too, as I obviously made a very bad judgement call by trusting someone that I only knew from the internet.

As to unresolved feelings that you throw out: There was never anything romantic between us from either of us. It was very clear from the beginning. I can't be more specific without giving more details about him, which I'm not planning to do. I have not burned him with anyone by spreading his name. This was between both of us. But, yes, there were feelings there on my part for someone that I trusted as a friend and those feelings were hurt, when I found out that he'd been pulling along htis lie to me. Why not saying upfront, that he's married but seperated? It wouldn't have been a big deal as there was never anything romantic between us. But since I found out later that he's been lying to me all along, that made everything he ever told me suspect of being a lie.

So, you may have a different criteria for people that you let into your lkife, in whatever capacity, and that is your choice. But to me honesty and trust are essentials. And that's my choice.

Michaela



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Posted on Mon, Nov 06, 2006 17:58

varinia write:
Ok, here's another one:]
see, if he/she has a account. he had on that were his daughters'. Just connected to his grown children and it wife and a pic of he and his wife, which in his story to me had been his longtime ex-girlfriend. After that I did some more searching at intelius, where I have an unlimited account, because i have to do a lot of research, and found that this so-called ex-GF in fact does have using his last name, even though he insists, that she has a different last name. She never shows up under a different last name anywhere. I broke off all contact then. Even though were were only friends and not datemates, my trust was gone.

So, even though I tend to trust someone until I have a reason not to trust them and I wouldn't believe in hiring a private detective to check up on them, you never know what you may find, unfortunately, even when you think you really got a good picture of the other person.

And while you're searching, if the kids are old enough, see if they have a profile,if you know their name(s). They may be talking about their parents in a way that would let you know something.

Re:



Whoa, Varinia, that's some pretty rigorous criteria for a friendship. I think you crossed the boundary from merely curious to invasive. not that much of an issue, but Intellus?

You must have had some unresolved feelings to go this far.

If there is no romantic relationship or you think something is wrong, it probably is! Walk away. If someone lies about him or herself, that is his or her problem not mine. I can take that information and make a good decision.

If in a committed relationship, you should be able to talk about everything. If that is not the case you have no business becoming further committed or married.

Just because the information is out there and available doesn't mean that anyone has a right to it. It's an invasion of privacy.



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Posted on Mon, Nov 06, 2006 13:39

Owwwwwwwkay-
Sooooo, you were just cyberfriends but you decided to get in stalkermode and try out all kinds of nicks at some site he told you about. All of a sudden (after what- 368 trial&errors) you found it- my my, it's a small web after all- and you notice his status is married. You dont quit there but you are lifelong member of some bigbrother privacyviolating site and you do the check check double check where you see your virtual buddy doesnt live with the woman but she still has the nerve to use his name.
All trust is gone and cyberfriendship is out.
Am SO happy for you that you've found out what you did- wouldnt you just go crazy if that truth would come up later on in your 'just friendship'?

I think people should simply stop being so paranoia AND being so naive.
Just take a look at the time you've spend on this 'quest'. Then think about what you couldve been doing in that time.

He's an if he's married and lying about it- you're stupid for spending so much time on some cybercontact. (Not a statement, merely my opinion.)



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Posted on Sun, Nov 05, 2006 12:46

Ok, here's another one:]

see, if he/she has a myspace account. Granted, they can say all kind sof stuff on that. But it just so happened that a few weeks ago, someone I had been corresponding with as just a friend, mentione din passing, that he had an account at myspace and the only friends he had on that were his daughters'. Just for fun I tried to find it. I had to do a bunch of cross referencing and I bet he never expect4ed anyone to find it, but finding it I did. And it was connected to his grown children and it said his status: married. H also had a story in there about him and his wife and a pic of he and his wife, which in his story to me had been his longtime ex-girlfriend. After that I did some more searching at intelius, where I have an unlimited account, because i have to do a lot of research, and found that this so-called ex-GF in fact does have his last name. And even though she now also has another address, she's still using his last name, even though he insists, that she has a different last name. She never shows up under a different last name anywhere. I broke off all contact then. Even though were were only friends and not datemates, my trust was gone.

So, even though I tend to trust someone until I have a reason not to trust them and I wouldn't believe in hiring a private detective to check up on them, you never know what you may find, unfortunately, even when you think you really got a good picture of the other person.

And while you're searching, if the kids are old enough, see if they have a myspace profile,if you know their name(s). They may be talking about their parents in a way that would let you know something.



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 Chat now 
Posted on Wed, Oct 18, 2006 10:21

Scientist, as you can see I haven't been back on this site for a while. I do hope that you weren't reveling in the false hope that you "told me off". That is certainly not the case.

Even with your additional 10 years of experience in life, it's apparent that you do not know that life is full of irony.

May I ask, what does my educational background have to do with the subject? Who is the bigger fool with his money? A person that gets their BA/BS; is indebted to a loan agency for $50k+; and is not doing anything associated with their degree; or, a person who realizes this well ahead of time, stops their education before getting further into debt, and is making more money than the man with a degree?

But let's veer away from this useless name-calling and get back to the basis of my statements. How can I make these claims? Let's see, a family member works for the Statistics Department of the Philadelphia Police Department, I have 3 friends in the FBI, and I used to work for a car dealership in my youth (in reference to my comparison to new car invoices).

Though something may not seem very scientific, it is not indicative of falsehood. It is very obvious that even with your supposed high intellect, you lack any common sense.

On the contrary, my statements weren't designed to be "attention getting devices" as you call them. This is a forum for which people are invited to share their thoughts on specified topics. Or have you forgotten that? Also, if you're only saying things on this forum, including talking down to me, to win the favor of a woman...then I would ask that please heed your own comment regarding the "attention getting devices".

In conclusion, Scientist, I, and others who haven't finished their college education, would appreciate if you would not insult our intelligence based solely on the fact that we haven't finished our college degrees. A degree does not make a person.

My apologies to everyone for having to see this discord.



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Posted on Fri, Aug 18, 2006 10:51

NancyMarie write:
I may be young but let me tell you... I bartend in a nightclub on the weekends where these men come to find women and have affairs. I have made the mistake of dating customers before and have made a list of basic red flags for commited men:
1. his phone never rings (its on silent for a reason..dont listen to the 'i dont want to be bothered while we're together excuse)
2. he has to leave to make calls.. yeah im sure they're all 'business calls'
3. he tends to call or see you at the same time everday (times when he can hide without being questioned)
4. he doesnt have photos on these dating sites (he doesnt know who might stumble accross them)
5. he wont charge things.. only cash. This way there are never receipts or statements for charges that may seem questionable to a significant other

you are sssooooo right, you maybe young, but your are a smart cookie like my daughter, thanks for the good feed back sister...



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Posted on Wed, Aug 16, 2006 14:05

thegoodlife421 write:
OK, the subject keeps coming up, and women on this site keep getting burned. So let's talk about it, OK?

Frankly, if a woman hasn't thoroughly checked out a man's vitals (and I don't mean the ones in his pants) by the time she starts sleeping with him . . . well, perhaps she's getting what she deserves, but I'll be charitable and conclude she's just foolish. My two cents.

Ladies, you don't even MEET this guy until you get

1) HIS REAL NAME, and
2) where he WORKS

A ten second internet search is all it takes to verify who this man is, or isn't.

And you verify his home address BEFORE you sleep with him. What, you want to end up some unidentified corpse on some prime-time Great Crimes TV show? Any time I meet a new man I tell my sister EXACTLY where I'm going, so she can tell the cops, just in case I disappear.

Very easy to tell a married man from singles, married men where there di-cks between their ears.



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Posted on Fri, Aug 11, 2006 02:43

wwww123456 write:
In the interest of fair play, equal time, etc. Don't you women think you should discuss married women also. Particularity the fact that about 30 percent of the children born to a husband and wife are not the husbands. ......talk about something disgusting.....


You have to remember, also, these are only the ones KNOWN about. Many are never in those stats because most couples would never check or are to vain about public opinion and decide against it, let alone admitting an affair. But, like she says....80% of men DO admit to having affairs, so really it is a good taste of his own medicine. I personally would just divorce his butt and leave him without a dime, let alone his children! Especially if he cheated and got someone pregnant. There are too many diseases out there that are deadly and dangerous to have someone who is to love and honor you put your life and the future of your children at risk! Many don't stop and think about that aspect.



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Posted on Thu, Aug 10, 2006 09:57

Darling, don't misquote. 30% of children involved in CONTESTED PATERNITY SUITS turn out not to be the children of the men in question. This is very, very different than what you're saying. The vast majority of the women in the world are faithful, though the infidelilty statistics seem to go up every year.

And I say, why not? If 80% of men responding anonymously to a survey admit to cheating, than these men can start getting used to the idea that what's good for the gander is what's good for the goose.

I BOOOOOOOOOOOO the sexual double standard. I will only be as faithful to a man as he is to me.



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Posted on Tue, Aug 01, 2006 17:28

wwww123456 write:
In the interest of fair play, equal time, etc. Don't you women think you should discuss married women also. Particularity the fact that about 30 percent of the children born to a husband and wife are not the husbands. ......talk about something disgusting.....


Very true! And many of the women today are very promiscuous, as well as unfaithful to not just husband's but boyfriends, too. Sadly, our society has made it acceptable and even more so by letting our unfaithful former president off with a slap on the wrist. Sure they publicized it greatly, but they didn't condemn it as they should have and they have our children walking around in clothing that should be left to the women on the street corners. Yet, no one cares and they claim it sexual liberation. Even when the rape, date rape and all other sexual crimes increase, they still say it's okay to present yourself that way. Our society has lost all sense of self respect for themselves and their bodies and any kind of integrity or decency in this world.

I am a woman and the women I see most the time disgust me even! I'm embarrassed to almost be one myself! Men get the bad rap for cheating, but when a women does something wrong and gets caught she just puts on the water work display and by the end of the conversation it's all the man's fault. Nothing against my gender but any honest woman will admit how manipulative we are and how when we get caught we always blame it on someone else. Especially if it's this. There's always a reason why it's HIS fault we did it and not our own! Fact is, nothing we do is anyone's fault but our own and few women admit that these days. Same with men, but we are our own people and WE are the ones at fault for our actions and behavior. Not someone else! Society is a pathetic disgrace these days on both parts!

  


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Posted on Mon, Jul 31, 2006 19:10

In the interest of fair play, equal time, etc. Don't you women think you should discuss married women also. Particularity the fact that about 30 percent of the children born to a husband and wife are not the husbands. ......talk about something disgusting.....



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Posted on Mon, Jul 31, 2006 01:38

NancyMarie write:
basic red flags for commited men:
1. his phone never rings (its on silent for a reason..dont listen to the 'i dont want to be bothered while we're together excuse)
2. he has to leave to make calls.. yeah im sure they're all 'business calls'
3. he tends to call or see you at the same time everday (times when he can hide without being questioned)
4. he doesnt have photos on these dating sites (he doesnt know who might stumble accross them)
5. he wont charge things.. only cash. This way there are never receipts or statements for charges that may seem questionable to a significant other


You are right on! Very smart lady!

The other thing on this topic is that women keep getting burned. I personally will NOT sleep with any man unless we have been in a committed relationship for some time. And I DO mean SOME TIME! If he can wait and has no problem with waiting, share time at various times of day and night, call anytime, pop by his work for a surprise visit, etc. then he passes many tests. Problem is, most men have become accustomed to women sleeping with them right off and it's easier that way. I weed them out with this tactic and self respect and any man who doesn't have respect for me being a true lady isn't worth my time!



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Posted on Mon, Jul 31, 2006 01:34

Jacobite write:
A simple way to check is to have a date at his home before becoming intimate.

Give the name and address to a trusted friend or relative.

If you can't tell from the family pictures he keeps around then you are with one scary dood!

Oh and after you are in a relationship leave some clothes towards the front of his wardrobe. If they happen to be in the back when you come back . . . dump him!


Excellent advice, but many married men, especially ones of wealth, will actually have an apartment sublet just for such occassions. But the clothes in the back....that's brilliant! lol



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Posted on Tue, Jul 25, 2006 03:41

A simple way to check is to have a date at his home before becoming intimate.

Give the name and address to a trusted friend or relative.

If you can't tell from the family pictures he keeps around then you are with one scary dood!

Oh and after you are in a relationship leave some clothes towards the front of his wardrobe. If they happen to be in the back when you come back . . . dump him!



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Posted on Tue, Jul 25, 2006 03:08

wwww123456 write:
Maybe married men are relaxed, not worried about heartbreak, etc. etc. because many have their real emotional security at home and will invest very little emotions in an affair.

Absolutely, wwww, but it does add to a person's attractiveness.

I think you're married! (jk) smiles!



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Posted on Mon, Jul 24, 2006 15:03

Maybe married men are relaxed, not worried about heartbreak, etc. etc. because many have their real emotional security at home and will invest very little emotions in an affair.



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Posted on Sun, Jul 23, 2006 04:43

How about another perpective on how to tell if he's married?

Married men seem to be more open, considerate, romantic, demonstrative with affection and in general just more relaxed around women. Most of the married men I've come across will tell you they are married and be forthright with their agenda, whether that be they are just being friendly and having fun or looking for an affair.

It is easy to see that most single people tend to be watchful for the hidden agenda, overly analytical, often overly critical, worried about a potential future heart break and leery and weery of the game. Married men don't seem to carry all that with them when they meet someone.

The missing ring (which doesn't always work because more men these days just don't wear one), ability to call at home or unavailibility on weekends or holidays are the obvious signs. It's the above characteristics that can draw us to a married man.

This of course, does not account for the liars. But then we all know single people lie just as well.



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