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How to get her attention.
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Posted on Wed, Mar 29, 2006 14:08

Thought I'd start a discussion on the best and worst ways to get a woman's attention on dating websites.

Many men - especially shy ones - seem to think winks are the safest, easiest way to get a woman's attention. What they don't understand is how often winks backfire!

To they typical woman on this site who is genuinely seeking meaningful companionship, winks are a lazy, buckshot approach. From the comments I've seen on the Forum, most women delete winks, concluding that the winker:

1) really isn't THAT interested;
2) viewed her photos but never read her profile;
3) read he profile and decided he didn't meet her requirements but thought "what the heck it's worth a shot;"
4) is sending out winks by the dozen to anyone who looks good.

As you can see, if you're a man, and you're doing a lot of winking with no results, it's not so much a question of your worthiness as a companion. Your problem is bad technique. You will not get the ROI (return-on-investment) you think you should. This is definitely one of those situations where minimal investment means minimal return.

(Now, I think the rules are different for ladies. I actually think it's better for a woman not to approach a man at all; at MOST she can give a guy a wink. Initiating correspondence with a man doesn't seem to work; I think it freaks them out.)

The technique for MEN that is MOST likely to work: A thoughtful, SHORT note (if it's long she'll think you're a stalker) that demonstrates: 1) you actually read her profile, and 2) you think you might be good for her, if not exactly Mr.Right, at least Mr. Maybe?

This opinion is posted by a successful internet dater!

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Posted on Sat, Apr 22, 2006 19:42

for me, its hard to get someone's attention especially if youre not a memeber of this site....wink is not enough i think because we should be aware that this guy that we like might be receiving a lot of wink from other girls as well....we can only wish to communicate with the guy, but it's still their choice to talk to us or not....

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Posted on Fri, Apr 21, 2006 14:15

If you want to catch a woman's attention, act helpless. It works for many preditors.



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Posted on Tue, Apr 18, 2006 16:05

Benefactor123 write:
georgebrinton write:
Many women wink and as soon as they are acknowledged via e mail they're acting as though they are the ones being pursued. We men completely understand that though.


You are right and sometimes they totally forget who winked first ...

Men do it too, guys. I chalk it up to CRS settling in...smiles



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Posted on Tue, Apr 18, 2006 12:47

0000000000PresidentCEO write:
take all the Good and Leave all the Bad,Simple Life is Best...


Uh huh.
I would like to suggest;
take all the presidentCEO and leave all the 00000000000000000000000000000000000
000000000000000000000000000000000000000
000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Shorter name is best.

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 16, 2006 15:34

georgebrinton write:
Many women wink and as soon as they are acknowledged via e mail they're acting as though they are the ones being pursued. We men completely understand that though.


You are right and sometimes they totally forget who winked first ...



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Posted on Thu, Apr 13, 2006 21:51

Benefactor123 write:
robtest write:
angelgirl3468 write:
Goodlife you are one smart cookie. I don't think you should initiate contact with men either. A wink is the best approach for a woman to show interest. As for men, I think winks are impersonal and mean that the man probably just randomly saw a pic he liked and hit the button. One of many that evening and probably will forget all about it later because he has winked at so many. I don't take them seriously.



Here is the part of "double standard" that I just don't get...

How is the man to know he is just not one of a hundred random winks that the female sent? Why is it okay for women to do it and not men? That seems so pre-Y2k!!!



Yeah, it's all just one massive double standard. Funny thing is how ladies say these things and think there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. If we were two different races, they would not do it because they'd be racist. But being sexist in this way is OK as long as it is the woman being sexist.

A wink is a communication. It says "I have read your profile and I invite you to read mine." That is all. If you find something of interest in the guys profile, you will continue the communication. If you do not - all is well.

And so what if he winked at 3 or 30 women that evening? He is supposed to be "exclusive" at the wink stage too?

If he is red-meat-eating, alpha male, world conqueror of course he is going to wink at everything that moves. If he is worth having, all women want to have him. Is that so difficult to understand?

And the ones who wait "to be discovered" are not going to get him.


Aaaahhhh...so you're saying she needs to go after what she wants...he would too!



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Posted on Thu, Apr 13, 2006 12:18

robtest write:
angelgirl3468 write:
Goodlife you are one smart cookie. I don't think you should initiate contact with men either. A wink is the best approach for a woman to show interest. As for men, I think winks are impersonal and mean that the man probably just randomly saw a pic he liked and hit the button. One of many that evening and probably will forget all about it later because he has winked at so many. I don't take them seriously.



Here is the part of "double standard" that I just don't get...

How is the man to know he is just not one of a hundred random winks that the female sent? Why is it okay for women to do it and not men? That seems so pre-Y2k!!!



Yeah, it's all just one massive double standard. Funny thing is how ladies say these things and think there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. If we were two different races, they would not do it because they'd be racist. But being sexist in this way is OK as long as it is the woman being sexist.

A wink is a communication. It says "I have read your profile and I invite you to read mine." That is all. If you find something of interest in the guys profile, you will continue the communication. If you do not - all is well.

And so what if he winked at 3 or 30 women that evening? He is supposed to be "exclusive" at the wink stage too?

If he is red-meat-eating, alpha male, world conqueror of course he is going to wink at everything that moves. If he is worth having, all women want to have him. Is that so difficult to understand?

And the ones who wait "to be discovered" are not going to get him.



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Posted on Thu, Apr 13, 2006 02:00

Devoted2FindingU write:
redhead524 write:
Do you wink or write, does one wait for another to initiate or not? Do I do anything based on whether or not they're a paying member or not? .....

I do understand the power a woman holds (as Argo suggested): We are the choosers. Simple as that. No matter if it he or I who initiates contact. I will initiate rather than wait for that one person I really want to discover to find me in a search.....


Red please forgive the deletions but you make a very good point.

WOMEN hold the POWER as the chooser! FACT. - Unless you are Rob Pitt or the likes. Which I am not.

I don't wink, it is a waste of time. If I initiate contact it is with a simple email that reflects that I read their profile. Writing emails are time consuming and not very affective either.

I learned from the last time I said how many winks led to dates not to repeat that info, so let me say this. There are a LOT of ladies that will wink to initiate contact and I look forward to each and every one.

It really is just a matter of numbers. My odds are pretty good 1 out of 3 billion...

lol...It is a numbers game. Your odds comment reminds me of one of my fav funny movie lines, "so you're saying there's still a chance?!!
Great outlook!

p.s. it's Brad Pitt...but hey, we really don't know him, so who's really to say if he is or is not better than you or any other 'regular guy'....



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Posted on Wed, Apr 12, 2006 20:37

redhead524 write:
Do you wink or write, does one wait for another to initiate or not? Do I do anything based on whether or not they're a paying member or not? .....

I do understand the power a woman holds (as Argo suggested): We are the choosers. Simple as that. No matter if it he or I who initiates contact. I will initiate rather than wait for that one person I really want to discover to find me in a search.....


Red please forgive the deletions but you make a very good point.

WOMEN hold the POWER as the chooser! FACT. - Unless you are Rob Pitt or the likes. Which I am not.

I don't wink, it is a waste of time. If I initiate contact it is with a simple email that reflects that I read their profile. Writing emails are time consuming and not very affective either.

I learned from the last time I said how many winks led to dates not to repeat that info, so let me say this. There are a LOT of ladies that will wink to initiate contact and I look forward to each and every one.

It really is just a matter of numbers. My odds are pretty good 1 out of 3 billion...



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Posted on Wed, Apr 12, 2006 11:08

robtest write:

angelgirl3468 write:
Goodlife you are one smart cookie. I don't think you should initiate contact with men either. A wink is the best approach for a woman to show interest. As for men, I think winks are impersonal and mean that the man probably just randomly saw a pic he liked and hit the button. One of many that evening and probably will forget all about it later because he has winked at so many. I don't take them seriously.




Here is the part of "double standard" that I just don't get...

How is the man to know he is just not one of a hundred random winks that the female sent? Why is it okay for women to do it and not men? That seems so pre-Y2k!!!

Why do people want to impose rules that simply get in the way of finding their special someone??? If there is some interest, then show it, if there isn't then don't.


No one is imposing rules Rob! Don't you know that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus! It's plain and simple...men and women think differently! Sheesh! I thought you already knew that! lol



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Posted on Wed, Apr 12, 2006 09:22

angelgirl3468 write:
Goodlife you are one smart cookie. I don't think you should initiate contact with men either. A wink is the best approach for a woman to show interest. As for men, I think winks are impersonal and mean that the man probably just randomly saw a pic he liked and hit the button. One of many that evening and probably will forget all about it later because he has winked at so many. I don't take them seriously.



Here is the part of "double standard" that I just don't get...

How is the man to know he is just not one of a hundred random winks that the female sent? Why is it okay for women to do it and not men? That seems so pre-Y2k!!!

Why do people want to impose rules that simply get in the way of finding their special someone??? If there is some interest, then show it, if there isn't then don't.



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Posted on Tue, Apr 11, 2006 02:19

Do you wink or write, does one wait for another to initiate or not? Do I do anything based on whether or not they're a paying member or not? Wow, I would have not imagined there would be so much to think about before initiating or responding to someone who's also on a dating site. At times I can over analyse things, but not in this area, I go with my instinct, but yes, after reading their entire profile.

I really don't understand this aversion to winking. As Rob said, I take it as a friendly gesture that says a variety of things. I don't use them a lot but that's my personal preference but I have used them. I wish MM had better choices of 'wink' notes. And I really don't understand your position, Argo, of deleting winks before reading their profile. Help me understand that one, please. Who knows what you're missing.

I do understand the power a woman holds (as Argo suggested): We are the choosers. Simple as that. No matter if it he or I who initiates contact. I will initiate rather than wait for that one person I really want to discover to find me in a search.

Unlike many here, I do not answer all winks or letters. If this is improper, so be it, but I don't think I am alone in that respect. I am, however, more likely to respond even if not interested if a nice note is written rather than a wink.



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Posted on Fri, Apr 07, 2006 15:33

thegoodlife421 write:
Benefactor, who said anything about a long email? Poetry? What?

I'm talking about a short note that shows a man actually read my profile, instead of just reacting to my photo. If that makes me high maintenance, feh! so be it!!!!


I should clarify - I actually have no issues with your wink policy as described below in an earlier post. I think it is reasonable. Much as I hate to ruin a good argument by agreeing ...



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Posted on Thu, Apr 06, 2006 20:21

Benefactor, who said anything about a long email? Poetry? What?

I'm talking about a short note that shows a man actually read my profile, instead of just reacting to my photo. If that makes me high maintenance, feh! so be it!!!!



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Posted on Thu, Apr 06, 2006 19:11

thegoodlife421 write:
Benefactor123 write:

Devoted2FindingU write:
Leggz4dayz write:

I don't think it's very polite to just ignore whatever the first form of communication is....adults should be just that...ADULT...
I still believe a polite no thanks, I'm not interested" is the way to go...JMHO...

Leggz, I agree. It is only polite to reply back to any communication. What is the harm?



I have tried to respond to every wink so far and it has been taxing and requires a lot of time but I do dislike how people put these a priori rules out there - "no winks". Why, because you are so much better then any other woman? There are a lot of ladies out there and a high hurdle will maybe eliminate some people you don't want to eliminate.

I agree that people should read other people's profile before contacting them. But I do not agree with the rest of the arbitrary "rules" such as a "requirement" that there be a note and not just a wink. Maybe that already indicates you are high maintenance and many guys will run (or not bother) when they see symptoms of the high maintenance disease.


But darling, I AM HIGH MAINTENANCE!!!! In an entirely good way, that is.

Bottom line: If a man doesn't have time or energy to give to me, why should I give him any of mine?


I understand but it is simple logic that the more desirable the man is, the more opportunities he will have and therefore may be less inclined to jump through too high of an initial hoop. It has been the case through human history across different societies and cultures that the best males have always had both a choice of and abundance of females.

Arguably, competition for the top 1% of males is much more fierce than the other way around. In part this is the result of different "rating criteria" - for men, both looks (which are indicators of physical health) and success and parental fitness are considered by females whereas when looking at females, the males pretty much consider looks only and it is harder to differentiate oneself with looks only.

If you make is so that only those who are ready to write poetry right away make it through the initial screen, you will get only those who have nothing better to do than write poetry.

I took a lot of time to write my profile so that is really me and my calling card. I don't want to repeat it in every e-mail that I may send out. Therefore, the purpose of a wink is to encourage somebody to look at my profile and if they "see" something in it, great, if they don't, no harm done. An absolute policy of "no winks" would preclude that and I just think that may be too harsh.

As for whether there is such a thing as "high maintenance, in an entirely good way" I am not touching that one with a pole of any length ...



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Posted on Thu, Apr 06, 2006 02:43

thegoodlife421 write:
Benefactor123 write:

Devoted2FindingU write:
Leggz4dayz write:

I don't think it's very polite to just ignore whatever the first form of communication is....adults should be just that...ADULT...
I still believe a polite no thanks, I'm not interested" is the way to go...JMHO...

Leggz, I agree. It is only polite to reply back to any communication. What is the harm?



I have tried to respond to every wink so far and it has been taxing and requires a lot of time but I do dislike how people put these a priori rules out there - "no winks". Why, because you are so much better then any other woman? There are a lot of ladies out there and a high hurdle will maybe eliminate some people you don't want to eliminate.

I agree that people should read other people's profile before contacting them. But I do not agree with the rest of the arbitrary "rules" such as a "requirement" that there be a note and not just a wink. Maybe that already indicates you are high maintenance and many guys will run (or not bother) when they see symptoms of the high maintenance disease.


But darling, I AM HIGH MAINTENANCE!!!! In an entirely good way, that is.

Bottom line: If a man doesn't have time or energy to give to me, why should I give him any of mine?

My new "wink" policy is to check if he's a paid member first. If not, and I like his profile, I'll send him an email saying "thanks" and see if he writes back with something substantive, such as evidence that he read my profile. I've got a "test" at the end of mine; most don't pass it.

Goodlife is correct except for one thing. Why pay for something that is of unproven value when it is offered for free, especially after you have paid for awhile? I'm skeptical of things that are offered for free....but that does not mean that I would decline the offer. I'd just be more cautious, that's all.



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Posted on Wed, Apr 05, 2006 18:01

Benefactor123 write:

Devoted2FindingU write:
Leggz4dayz write:

I don't think it's very polite to just ignore whatever the first form of communication is....adults should be just that...ADULT...
I still believe a polite no thanks, I'm not interested" is the way to go...JMHO...

Leggz, I agree. It is only polite to reply back to any communication. What is the harm?



I have tried to respond to every wink so far and it has been taxing and requires a lot of time but I do dislike how people put these a priori rules out there - "no winks". Why, because you are so much better then any other woman? There are a lot of ladies out there and a high hurdle will maybe eliminate some people you don't want to eliminate.

I agree that people should read other people's profile before contacting them. But I do not agree with the rest of the arbitrary "rules" such as a "requirement" that there be a note and not just a wink. Maybe that already indicates you are high maintenance and many guys will run (or not bother) when they see symptoms of the high maintenance disease.


But darling, I AM HIGH MAINTENANCE!!!! In an entirely good way, that is.

Bottom line: If a man doesn't have time or energy to give to me, why should I give him any of mine?

My new "wink" policy is to check if he's a paid member first. If not, and I like his profile, I'll send him an email saying "thanks" and see if he writes back with something substantive, such as evidence that he read my profile. I've got a "test" at the end of mine; most don't pass it.



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Posted on Wed, Apr 05, 2006 16:42

Devoted2FindingU write:
Leggz4dayz write:

I don't think it's very polite to just ignore whatever the first form of communication is....adults should be just that...ADULT...
I still believe a polite no thanks, I'm not interested" is the way to go...JMHO...

Leggz, I agree. It is only polite to reply back to any communication. What is the harm?


I have tried to respond to every wink so far and it has been taxing and requires a lot of time but I do dislike how people put these a priori rules out there - "no winks". Why, because you are so much better then any other woman? There are a lot of ladies out there and a high hurdle will maybe eliminate some people you don't want to eliminate.

I agree that people should read other people's profile before contacting them. But I do not agree with the rest of the arbitrary "rules" such as a "requirement" that there be a note and not just a wink. Maybe that already indicates you are high maintenance and many guys will run (or not bother) when they see symptoms of the high maintenance disease.



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Posted on Wed, Apr 05, 2006 07:53

Angyson write:
This is all so complicated!

great,good pick,your hot....



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