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Drive of discouragement- have you been hurt too much you can not feel love anymore ?
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Posted on Tue, Aug 09, 2005 22:34

Browsing profiles and the forum, I marvel myself to how much great people are on this site...woman and men.....some are really brilliant...And one thought comes to my mind, as if I would match them in my imagination..quite often...so, how come is it that meeting so many...it does not work...(or we did not hear of those...and that is strange, because it is supposed to be a succes site no?).. So I will bring maybe another point of view...I believe we all have the inner desire to find that person...I feel that for some reasons...something I can call discouragement can come even before something interesting can happen between people...It is like the thread do not resist (other than lust of course :)) to make the real bound...
I want to underline that I feel the desire is there...but it lasts not long...Maybe I am wrong...and I come from another background or "twilight zone" than the majority here...I feel sad, I feel we are like ghosts..of our own living beings...
"Can you hear me?" :)...you know like the song...Babylone...(I forgot the entire title)...



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Posted on Sun, Nov 19, 2006 15:32

HI,

I feel so sad when I read your text. To loose hope in the thing that brings us vitality in our life.
Would it not be great to feel the excitement of waking up everyday and think what adventures could I live today. Forget about searching for the man in your dreams and do things that brings you a smile to your face. It could be possible that you are placing all your happiness in the hopes of a man to make you happy. God why would you give a man that kind of power over you. You are a strong, smart and unique woman that has a lot to give someone. In the state that you are in presently how can any man see that.
I wish you luck and never loose hope that is when we die.
Vitality Pathfinder.



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Posted on Sun, Sep 24, 2006 23:28

Yes, Yes and Yes! I used to believe in Prince Charming. I used to believe in fairy dust. I used to believe that someday I would exchange my story with Her Majesty, The Queen, while sipping tea, and walk hand in hand with the love of my life, my soul mate. I used to believe in Fairy Tales, I don't anymore. I used to believe that I lived in a world of beauty which is now filled with nothing but prejudices, hate, and dishonesty. I used to believe that someone would just be happy with me loving him with all I had, because I wanted to, not because I had to. I used to smile, I don't anymore, I put away my dream list, because it just hurts too damn much to try and find him, my soul mate that is, I used to be filled with laughter, happiness and excitement, now, I am filled with bitterness, sorrow and despair. I am broken, and waiting for someone to unbreak me, but I am giving up all hope of that, because once you have given one all of your heart and soul and had dreams that you would be together until death did you part, well when reality hits you and you know its over, and it never really was to begin with, for he never could love you the way you did him, well, that is a torturous suffering death, that many of us are aware of, and I would wish on no one. From little girls we are taught to have tea parties and to play dress up, and to wait for our Prince to come, well, I have been dressed up and I have no ball to go to, and my tea party has long been over long ago, and I have just given up all hope, because I feel now, that I have been wrong all these years with my visions, and my dreams. Maybe down the road someone will convince me otherwise, but only time will tell. I have shielded my heart or whats left of it, now, I only write of my sadness and sorrow, in forms of free verse style, for a better tomorrow, for all of us.



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Posted on Thu, May 04, 2006 05:31

oh yeah i have been hurt once,it was so much painful during the first month but then i realized that maybe i lost something. some good thing has come to an end because there is much more great things to happen along the way.



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 10:33

YES I HAVE BEEN HURT SO MUCH THAT I CHOSE NOT TO FEEL, BUT I'M WILLING TO TRY, JUST WON'T WEAR MY HEART OUTSIDE MY CLOTHES



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Posted on Mon, Oct 17, 2005 14:29

That is too sweet of you Ecam!...I often belive it's quite weird what i write...because my english is not good!...So, if that helps, well...im not so crazy !Just a little bit lol



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Posted on Mon, Oct 17, 2005 09:06

life as a hole is bitter sweet, if you didnt have the bitter,would you enjoy the sweet, one can create a life with or without money, but bitter sweet will always be there . to master this you want someone to enjoy the moments with ,
you must ask yourself do I know how to do this ? if no then your soul mate would.

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Posted on Sun, Oct 16, 2005 08:46


Aetios write:
Hi Ecam....what did you learn? may i know?



Honey whenever you post I always learn..

  


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Posted on Fri, Oct 14, 2005 20:52

Hi Ecam....what did you learn? may i know?

  


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Posted on Fri, Oct 14, 2005 09:14

Tinyeyes, thank you for your interest...Yes i have heard that statement: analyzing too much....If i analyze this statement (gigles)....it can mean that that man is scared that we find his weakness...I was asking him: what are you afraid i find /or analyzw..(sousentendre: that you hide) lol....You'll see then his reaction...lol...
More seriously...a secure person, is not afraid to analyze....only the one who did not enough introspection...to be at ease with his/her talents and also weaknesses....

So, "vive la superficialit? libre" lol

  


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Posted on Tue, Oct 11, 2005 15:36


Aetios write:
Wilfred, I was quite tortured, did not know how to answser you for a couple of days...so sorry for coming back a bit late...Yes, bassically this thread is about emotions, or not feeling them anymore...and not about genetics...But of course it does not matter if you changed the subject, because this might tell me it is not an easy subject to talk about: emotions...and maybe we need some scientific explanations to reassure us...Is not that I am against science, or any other field...it is just that some fields, like science, (or religion) exagerate their stuff without willing to go search what can be useful to hear from other fields...For example: I was talking about emotional nurturing from the mother, not the natural nurturing...For the twins example with the coincidnces int heir lifes...like choosing a partner with the same name...I don't know if it is because of genetics reasons...It happened I just read an article about a bigamist accumulating spouses in different states...and their names...4 of 5 of his wifes had the same name...We can observe similarities or coincidences of names, anniversaries, accidents, patterns, from generation to generation...also...called transgenerational clinic....but only focussing (as they were traumas) on the uncounsciousness transmission from a generation to the following geneneration....So, there is this other part of us to be still discovered...A scary part of course...but once the pieces of the puzzle can come toghether...(the rational and irrational parts)...the perspective of understanding ourselves are really a revelation...



Hmm I have to admit I learned a lot from reading this thread...

  


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Posted on Thu, Oct 06, 2005 17:45

Hi Aetios!
It's good to know that some of us still take time to dwell on certain philosophies of life. Isn't it amazing that women in general can go on for hours saying things with just one question? Take for example? what are you thinking? This would surely illicit a lot of interesting answers/responses for women. As for men, no offense meant, I usually end up with a shrug or a simple"Nothing" response. A guy friend told me once,"Jane,you analyze men too much." He said that guys in general think of only four things: sports,sex,food, and last work...
I hope guys here will not start to throw rotten tomatoes at me for saying this. I am just quoting from another guy,k?
I guess most men and women have their own stories to tell but what's beautiful to note is that maybe all of us somehow still believes in love or we would not be here in the first place,right?
Good luck to all of us.Namaste!!!



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Posted on Thu, Aug 25, 2005 06:31

Wilfred, I was quite tortured, did not know how to answser you for a couple of days...so sorry for coming back a bit late...Yes, bassically this thread is about emotions, or not feeling them anymore...and not about genetics...But of course it does not matter if you changed the subject, because this might tell me it is not an easy subject to talk about: emotions...and maybe we need some scientific explanations to reassure us...Is not that I am against science, or any other field...it is just that some fields, like science, (or religion) exagerate their stuff without willing to go search what can be useful to hear from other fields...For example: I was talking about emotional nurturing from the mother, not the natural nurturing...For the twins example with the coincidnces int heir lifes...like choosing a partner with the same name...I don't know if it is because of genetics reasons...It happened I just read an article about a bigamist accumulating spouses in different states...and their names...4 of 5 of his wifes had the same name...We can observe similarities or coincidences of names, anniversaries, accidents, patterns, from generation to generation...also...called transgenerational clinic....but only focussing (as they were traumas) on the uncounsciousness transmission from a generation to the following geneneration....So, there is this other part of us to be still discovered...A scary part of course...but once the pieces of the puzzle can come toghether...(the rational and irrational parts)...the perspective of understanding ourselves are really a revelation...

  


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Posted on Tue, Aug 23, 2005 23:48


Rose2009 write:
Perhaps our problem ladies is that men do not ever really want to leave their mothers? They look for their mother in a relationship?
Typically they are attracted to somebody it is chemistry, the lust and the passion die after a while and perhaps they are lucky his family approves 100% of their relationship and so they manage to turn friendship into a true and trusting relationship. Or the family of friends don't approve, and one partner knows it so things gradually break down, as the saying goes, "Can you continue to look over the breakfast table every morning and still feel that the person opposite is the one?"
Lets face it a small annoying habit can become a major problem in a relationship. So imagine how much people who have very differing views can get into trouble?



sometimes after years of marriage, men and women get conditioned to being together and learn to live in tolerance, till of course one of them snaps and find new interest..the website has been responsible in recent years for a v. high percentage of liaison outside of marriage, I think UK rated over 59% of divorces now stems from adult*ery originated at work or website liaison.
So little annoyances might crack up and one of them might just not stand the other across the breakfast table and walk out one morning..



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Posted on Sun, Aug 21, 2005 21:04


Aetios write:
Wilfred, thank you, I think that some threads, the deep ones here, inspired me to see what we can say, on the most inner thoughts in relationships...try to see if we can push some limits...some sensitive limits...:)
8< (snip)>8
I would add, some deeper thoughts in the same path...
I feel inconfortable to think that (and of course, maybe I understood wrong, with my english)...everything is due to biology, or genetics...We are a whole, that and something else...: what do we do once we are biologically born..with our little genetical dispositions, potential....which involves the environment in which we grow up....Of course this is more complex that I can put it here...
Finally...I wonder why you don't like Freud Wilfred lol...may I ask?...There can be said more about him : psychoanalysis is not psychology...they are very different fields...Psychoanalysis can not be measurable, in the scientific sens...but in another way...we can not mix the nature of analyzing a field by the nature of another analyzis of a complete different field...Freud has explained that, but on the other hand, he made a huge mistake too...: he analyzed with a neurotic methodology...patients who were suffering of borderline disorders, maybe even some schizoides...which is not the same methology of treatment...(what I am telling you here is very new...and not known in the public yet...)...Then, yes he analyzed only 6 cases...but very profoundly...He did what he could for his epoch...And since him...a lot has been changed in this field...and some, adapt it...to the nowdays disorders...Which can be very usefull when we talk so much now about the increase of violence for example (I think of the other thread: psychopaths everywhere or something like that)...
Our epoch is very complex..multi dimensionnaly complex....:)


(message snipped so there would be room to reply)
Nature vs Nurture: I think it's true that our nature, our genetics, are in many wayhs only a foundation upon which our nurture builds. Yet there are numerous case studies where twin boys, separated and adopted at birh have gone on to pursue the same professions, marry women with the same first names and more "coincidences" than can be explained by anything other than a genetic predisposition. I have no hard and fast opinion on the subject; indeed I am not sufficiently knowledgeable to do more than marvel at such oft-repeated phenomena. Again with Nurture, for illustrative purposes only, there is a species of duck which will never mate if it has not heard the vocalizations of its parent while it is still unhatched. Our genetics may be too strong to be overcome - I don't know, I just observe, collect such data as seems meaningful and attempt to draw conclusions. Not for a more specific purpose than an attempt to understand what may puzzle me at any given moment.

I do not "dislike" Freud, I merely feel too much weight has been given to his work. I question the relevance of his conclusions, in the same wauy I deny that a statistician can know how I will respond to a given stimulus based upon a response given by someone who may live across the street from me but with whom I have never had any significant contact.

We all (I hope) are engaged in a quest for answers, for understanding, and the best analogy I know is a jigsaw puzzle: the pieces missing from my understanding of the world will not likely fit in the gaps in your puzzle, nor yours for mine. I have strayed far from the original topic. My apologies. Be well,

Bill / wilfred06



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Posted on Sun, Aug 21, 2005 12:20

Ooops! I realize I made some english mistakes, please forgive me...for ex: it's not measurable, but mesured...among others...thus, if anything is not clear, please ask! thanks.



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Posted on Sat, Aug 20, 2005 10:30

Wilfred, thank you, I think that some threads, the deep ones here, inspired me to see what we can say, on the most inner thoughts in relationships...try to see if we can push some limits...some sensitive limits...:)

I would add, some deeper thoughts in the same path...
I feel inconfortable to think that (and of course, maybe I understood wrong, with my english)...everything is due to biology, or genetics...We are a whole, that and something else...: what do we do once we are biologically born..with our little genetical dispositions, potential....which involves the environment in which we grow up..So let's clarify (oh am I pretentious huh? lol)..little things if I may: media is part of our society...which is the environment also...and fashion for example..and the thought (in a more philosophical way)...of following it..means often how fragile we are..and how much it fulfills our emptiness...which is bassically emotional emptiness...As Rose put it, the obession of money in a family...money like an thread that bounds it...speaks a lot for me of the emotional state of that family for example...So, following fashion, that the media bombards us..so much..means we are regressed emotionnaly to use a harsh methaphor...And this emotional emptiness comes from early age...Which brings me to the mother's emotional nurturing of a child...that has not been done right...These are really precocious fragilities of ours...And I do not think that we can all the time be so resilient...Some, can simply not be...
As for the man who can not let go their relationship with their mother once adults...I bassically think from my observations and deep hurt from some man that they are simply scared of their mother...(and we woman have to think for ourselves also ...)...Those with a mistress for example, some can not divorce...they have no more sex (we don,t go to bed with our mother...no?)...but are scared simply to divorce..Of course this is more complex that I can put it here...
Finally...I wonder why you don't like Freud Wilfred lol...may I ask?...There can be said more about him : psychoanalysis is not psychology...they are very different fields...Psychoanalysis can not be measurable, in the scientific sens...but in another way...we can not mix the nature of analyzing a field by the nature of another analyzis of a complete different field...Freud has explained that, but on the other hand, he made a huge mistake too...: he analyzed with a neurotic methodology...patients who were suffering of borderline disorders, maybe even some schizoides...which is not the same methology of treatment...(what I am telling you here is very new...and not known in the public yet...)...Then, yes he analyzed only 6 cases...but very profoundly...He did what he could for his epoch...And since him...a lot has been changed in this field...and some, adapt it...to the nowdays disorders...Which can be very usefull when we talk so much now about the increase of violence for example (I think of the other thread: psychopaths everywhere or something like that)...
Our epoch is very complex..multi dimensionnaly complex....:)



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Posted on Fri, Aug 19, 2005 13:41


wilfred06 write:
[3. Bonnie mentioned China. Before Mao, the Chinese used a relatively simple method of matchmaking: astrology. I was born in the year of the Tiger, so they would have matched me, optimally, with a woman born in the years of the Dog or Horse. They would have discouraged me from trying to raise children with another Tiger, which I ended up not doing, as mentioned elsewhere on these boards. They would have been aghast at the idea of my marrying a woman born in the year of the Ox. They view that pairing as the least likely to succeed, although it took us 9 years to find out just how right that was. There may be much validity in such arranged marriages, where bride and groom never meet until the day they are wed. Can't be any worse than the way we do it.





IN the west man marries the woman he loves, In China man loves the woman he marries..but often he also goes on to love other women too..lol since Chinese men for many centuries were accepted as polygamous and allowed as many wives and concubines.
The zodiac animals are still used to match potential men and women. Surprisingly accurate and works rather well for many couples. If you are a woman born in the year of the tiger, you are completely lethal if you are a night Tiger, they give away girl baby tigers since no one will marry them since they are suppose to eat up their husbands and children.. there are lots of abandoned baby girl tigers in China.
So my point is , love in China takes on a different level of supersitition , and I don't think it works either.



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Posted on Fri, Aug 19, 2005 11:06


Aetios write:
Browsing profiles and the forum, I marvel myself to how much great people are on this site...woman and men.....some are really brilliant...And one thought comes to my mind, as if I would match them in my imagination..quite often...so, how come is it that meeting so many...it does not work...(or we did not hear of those...and that is strange, because it is supposed to be a succes site no?).. So I will bring maybe another point of view...I believe we all have the inner desire to find that person...I feel that for some reasons...something I can call discouragement can come even before something interesting can happen between people...It is like the thread do not resist (other than lust of course :)) to make the real bound...
I want to underline that I feel the desire is there...but it lasts not long...Maybe I am wrong...and I come from another background or "twilight zone" than the majority here...I feel sad, I feel we are like ghosts..of our own living beings...
"Can you hear me?" :)...you know like the song...Babylone...(I forgot the entire title)...


Too many deep replies to address, except:
1. Yes, I have been hurt, deeply at times, and at times I question my capacity to love again. BUT I am here, which suggests something other than total resignation.

2. I am not "looking" for anyone in specific, not a supermodel or a millionairess, just someone with whom I can communicate on as many levels as possible. I do not believe, as has been expressed here in various threads, that males are conditioned by society to be attracted to a specific "type." I fell deeply in love at 12, in an era when there was much less hype in the media about such things as there is now. Thus there was minimal influence. I believe attraction is rooted in biological traits, many of which, by coincidence only, perhaps, also are ideals espoused by the media. Among these are a strong, properly developed skeleton, clear skin and shiny hair. These are traits that illustrate their owners are most likely to produce healthy, viable offspring. Never forget that a chicken is merely an egg's way of making more eggs.

3. Bonnie mentioned China. Before Mao, the Chinese used a relatively simple method of matchmaking: astrology. I was born in the year of the Tiger, so they would have matched me, optimally, with a woman born in the years of the Dog or Horse. They would have discouraged me from trying to raise children with another Tiger, which I ended up not doing, as mentioned elsewhere on these boards. They would have been aghast at the idea of my marrying a woman born in the year of the Ox. They view that pairing as the least likely to succeed, although it took us 9 years to find out just how right that was. There may be much validity in such arranged marriages, where bride and groom never meet until the day they are wed. Can't be any worse than the way we do it.

4. Too much emphasis on Freud here. Bear in mind that all of his psychology was based a) on 19th century people and b) only six actual patients. Not a statistically viable sample. I am not looking for a woman like my mother, at least not like the one I had as a child, a manic depressive virtual non-entity in my early years. She was cured long ago, is very wise and a deep thinker, on the verge of her 80th birthday and if I am lucky enough to find a woman with a mind to match hers, I will be lucky indeed. But like my ex-wife, she is an Ox, and once was enough. Now I hope for harmony, not strife.

5. In my view, a real man loves in spite of danger, for there are things that often must be done, in spite of the risk. To shirk from them indicates a greater love for self than for the beloved.

6. This relates somewhat to 5 above. All creatures must make the transition from child to adult, and at the adult stage the mate must take precedence over the parent, if a choice must be made. The mate is one's opportunity for something resembling immortality, the continuation of one's genes. In the end, and speaking biologically once more, it is the perpetuation of the genes that drives all life. That we as a species no longer die shortly after our sexual viability ends is a comparatively recent phenomenon and it will be a long time before it can be judged a good thing or a bad.

That's enough. Thank you for such a thought-provoking thread and equally insightful replies! Be well,

Bill / wilfred06



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Posted on Thu, Aug 18, 2005 01:33

Good to hear the male perspective Cub. I know my ex mother-in-law was fixed on money and so is her son. When each daughter has met a nice guy he has been examined by that side of the family as to how much money they have what is their earning potential!
When my eldest met her husband, my thoughts did not run to money, they ran to what might lay in their future. Knowing the part of the world he was from, I knew he'd always want to go back there no matter how dangerous things might be. Although he is a European his heart and therefore his home would always be in Africa.



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