Texas Chili CookOff Commentary...Funny Message Board

  • View author's info Author posted on Aug 05, 2005 at 17:16

    Chili Cookoff
    If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down
    your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to
    read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
    reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have
    lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
    Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
    portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
    to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
    Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
    besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shet, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shet-faced from
    all of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
    barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b*tch
    is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
    Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
    and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ferted and four people behind me
    needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
    that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
    I'm burning my lips off. It really pizzes me off that the other
    judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks.

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
    of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
    Judge #3 -- I shet myself when I ferted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    that sl*t Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my asz with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
    I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
    sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shet to
    match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
    me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
    not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just s*ck it in through
    the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
    sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
    really hot chili?
  • 3Comments

  • View author's info posted on Aug 08, 2005 at 13:02

    OMG!!! Im crying!!!!! THAT is going to be flying all round England tomorrow!!!
  • View author's info posted on Aug 08, 2005 at 10:12

    That is funny Woody lmao We have local Chili cook offs here as well! Never been a judge now I never will be lol
  • View author's info posted on Aug 05, 2005 at 21:16

    LMAO!!!! This was truly hilarious WWPT. OMG - I could almost feel his pain!
    Too funny!!! I love spicy food myself and have gotten into a few eye-watering, lip and throat-burning moments from which I wasn't sure I'd fully recover!
Follow - Email me when people comment