Do you have the problem of guilt from divorce and try to over-compensate with materialistic items for your child/ren?
I know myself use to afford these luxurys for my children alot more so when I was married. Now I still have one at home that want want wants..and it's difficult for me to say NO when you have a face full of tears. Aside from our vacation we just got back from...I have spent x-amount on my child just in the past week...it seems every other day this is going on anymore, I'm spending spending spending to keep her from crying to make her happy and smile.
I know this has to be a good topic, as I have several divorced friends that are going through the same thing. When to say no and turn away from the tears and can it be done and how do you do it?
Bonnie88 write: HI folks, You have all got such valid points about bringing up children. Parenthood at the end of the day is all about guilt and how we handle it.. My kids were sent off to boarding schools at aged 9 and 12. A very British phenomenon , they have never had dinner on a weekday with daddy and what they did not know they did not miss when their dad died..such irony and yet as someone who has always had daddy home for dinner at the table, only I know what they truly missed and that time has been lost and it is hard for me to make up for that loss..their only memories of daddy was a weekend and holiday dad, we had great family times together but certainly wish we had more had we known how short our time together would be.. Enjoy every minute of those precious time you have with your kids, that is all you could take with you, memories..MAKE THEM LAST AND MEMORABLE ..enrich their memory bank for that is what they will pass on to their children as parents...
Awwww that would be heart wrenching to have to send the children away to boarding school...I feel for your loss :(
The girls really never had their father around for dinner or weekend funtime w/daddy...when they were babys he decided to move away to the East coast...until just a few years ago...and as far as my lil Bug...her father sees her w/it is convenient for him. It is painful to see their lil hearts broken like that.
You have all got such valid points about bringing up children. Parenthood at the end of the day is all about guilt and how we handle it..
My kids were sent off to boarding schools at aged 9 and 12. A very British phenomenon , they have never had dinner on a weekday with daddy and what they did not know they did not miss when their dad died..such irony and yet as someone who has always had daddy home for dinner at the table, only I know what they truly missed and that time has been lost and it is hard for me to make up for that loss..their only memories of daddy was a weekend and holiday dad, we had great family times together but certainly wish we had more had we known how short our time together would be..
Enjoy every minute of those precious time you have with your kids, that is all you could take with you, memories..MAKE THEM LAST AND MEMORABLE ..enrich their memory bank for that is what they will pass on to their children as parents...
That's awesome!! But ... what if there are not good people like you around? How are the children to 'know' or find the numbers? It's something we should ALL teach our children ... when parents feel the age is appropriate to teach about 'wrong touching' ... and 'it's okay to tell' ... the kids should be taught the number. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a three-digit number for children ... (like 911) ... something they could remember? One that goes to a hotline of child-specialists who deal in abuse situations?
Thoughts to ponder I suppose ...
You know I've never thought of that...I know my lil Bug knows 911 for emergencys and such...and we have had the discussion forever about ANYONE do things to her or invading her space, etc. But you are right...there should be some kind of 3dig number...something easier for them...Bug is really good about remembering her own #s and such...but to remember some kinda hotline or 800 # I just dont know. You know I can remember 3-4 years back...My middle daughter had told me in confidence about a girl at school that had confided in her regarding a family member molesting her etc...She made me swear up and down to not tell a soul. I was aside myself and begged her to have this young one come talk to me. I dunno I sure hope I made a difference and that little girl went to her mother. Just sickens me! What sickens me even more is my own sister and the abuse she use to put her stepdaughter through...not sexually...but plain ole mean abuse...I couldn't handle it...I was ready to stand up in court pregnant and all against her so her stepdaughter could go back home to her momma.
Why would you need to ask that question if they were well publicized ... or taught in schools or daycares ... or known to any of the 'good parents'? Unfortunately, the children who need these numbers are often too young to remember them. There are hotlines ... could you find one if your neighbor's child needed it?
You know Ive had to call CPS a time or two in the past on my own family member...so yes I do know what needs to be done when I see a child be neglected or hurt.
How often do I see this little girl in the pediatric ER? Entirely too often. It is amazing that the children of this country do not have a voice ... there is no avenue for them to seek justice and safe haven ... the court system is designed for adults. In too many cases ... the perpetrators go free, and the little girls are sent home to endure again ... or worse ... come back to me no longer breathing.
The little girl in your story is a survivor. She is strong and optimistic ... she will, through faith and perserverance, find the love she seeks ... if she first learns to love herself. From within comes the eternal spring of love ... first self love ... then an endless supply of love for others.
Thank you for sharing your short story Cats ... it was indeed heart-wrenching ... but reminded me that one of the things I choose to pursue in my legal realm ... is child advocacy ... the children deserve to be heard!
Perhaps she will learn self-love and worth ;)
I agree with you hon...children do need to be heard...at least they have half a chance in this day and time w/CPS...teachers, Drs, Nurses...etc knowing and reporting anything suspicious. Back in our days if the cops were called on yelling and screaming and possible child endangerment...the police took the parents word for it and went on about their business...rather than investigating...then there was real hell to pay for that child. Arent there hotlines for children now?
Friends and strangers were jealous of what they had, there was a bond so tight that nothing could pry them apart.
Where it went wrong, that young woman could not figure. He would yell at her and be unpredictable. His job took a lot from him that must be what it was. But it was the winter he told her it made him grouchy it will get better when I work more you will see. That day had come, and long hours he?d work. The yelling and screaming did not stop, but it was ok, he was tired, it would surely end when things slowed down. No they didn?t they just worsened. What had she done so bad to make him be so mad at her? Why did he stop loving her and protecting her from harm? The sound of his truck pulling up would make her tremble in fear. His perfect relationships with her daughters began to fail as well, she couldn?t believe the day he had hit her little girl and called the others horrible names. Blamed everything on her from having an affair to being a drug addict.
Why did this happen she just wanted to be loved.
She couldn?t take the mental abuse any longer and asked him to leave, a few times over they tried and tried to find what they once had. Where did it go? Why did God not want this little girl grown into a woman to not have love in her life?
They would try to find that love again, to only snap and fight again. The sweetest things that man would do for her, most women would die to have. But can they live with endless promises and abuse?
She thought her marriage would last forever, but it grew into endless promises and too much despair.
So she went out into the world of unknown on her own with her perfect little girl and another on the way. What another joy she was.
That young woman?s momma would come and live with her from time to time when she had no where to go. That feeling of wanting to be loved would always come back. Her momma would always stab her in the back. What did she do? What could make her dislike her own little girl?
Her faith in God diminished after she prayed 25 years straight, for her momma to love her too.
The years went by, the young men came and went in her life, but it was too late. Life was too short to waste it on looking for that love she had yearned for. She learned to hide her memories and pretend it was ok.
She thought she found love a time or two, to only find it didn?t feel the way she quite hoped it would. But what did she know what was right?
She had her third little girl, could this be a sign from above? Could she make the difference and show them all the love she yearned for?
She had each of these perfect little girls on her own, and raised them to the best of her abilities, the most she can hope for is they will take a step further and love their little girls even more, no matter what they have or think they have done.
That day had come, when she met her perfect mate, the one that loved her children and they loved him back. He gave her all the love she yearned for, since that day she had tugged at her momma?s skirt. Things were so perfect he swept her off her feet, and made her feel like nobody could ever hurt her again, not even her momma. She felt so safe in his arms, like nothing you read in a novel. Before you knew it, they were getting married, they were building a future that was painted so bright. Where did this man come from? Why did he love her so much? Why did he love her perfect little girls? Friends and strangers were jealous of what they h...
momma drop her off rather than beg a neighbor.
Her momma was single and didn?t have a lot of money to spare, there was never enough for food, let alone clothes, so what was left to spare had to go to her little sister. But that was ok, momma was doing her best.
So that now young lady got her first job, she was so excited to have a few extra dollars to be able to buy those jeans, you know the same ones all the girls would wear. But that soon went away, when her momma demanded her to hand over her check. But that was ok she needed to have a little fun. It?s 1am that young lady just got off work, where could her momma be? Looks like she?s gonna have to hitch a ride, what a scary thing that must be.
The yearning for her momma?s love continued as did the bruises. One day she finally packed her bags and moved far away swearing that her momma would never hurt her again.
As she hoped the love she yearned for was right there in her daddy?s arms. He loved her and protected her from harm. She would even see him sitting there in that empty chair cheering her on. Now and again her father would raise his voice, she couldn?t help but flinch in fear of another bruise.
She grew and grew and had her first perfect little girl. She swore to never do the things her momma had done to her, and never make her await that love she so deserved
The Little Girl Within
She was such a frail little thing with golden hair and big green & brown eyes that would do anything for her mommies love. She would be pushed aside as left on a back burner for a later date, but that was ok she would patiently await for her mommies love. She would tug at her mommies dress in hopes for that mere speck of love to be shown to her only to be pushed away, but that?s ok mommy had a bad day.
That little girl would go to school with black eyes and tell the teacher she fell down, but within her heart she thought it was ok, because mommy was mad at daddy.
This little girl would see different men in her house and wonder where oh where was her daddy tonight. But that was ok, mommy needed friends too.
This little grew and grew still patiently awaiting her mommies love, thinking that the love of a mommy was to be hit, beat, locked in her room or outside.
She was so excited the day that sweet baby sister came home. But she got all that love she longed for, for this baby could do no wrong. But that was ok, she was a little baby and needed mommies love more.
One day her daddy went away and mommy blamed it on her. Kicked her, threw her against the wall. What could she have done so badly that would have made her daddy leave? Now her mommy will never love her and be very mad.
Her mommy would go out at night and leave that little girl with young boys to babysit that did things to her that just didn?t feel right. But that was ok, mommy would surely make it all better.
That little girl grew and grew and she grew, she learned that loving wasn?t always hurting. She would join sports and such and yearn for her momma to share her first victory. She would look up in the stadium to only see an empty seat. She would have loved to share the feelings of her first kiss, rather than be beaten with a hanger. She would have loved to share the joy of picking out her first prom dress with her momma, and would have loved to had her momma drop her off ...
Petty reading your post about some of the lesser unfortunate children reminded me of this story I wrote a few months ago...I want to share w/you all...My mighty mentor Fun4two...Hope you don't mind me clogged up this forum...its kinda of a long short story I will have to cut and paste...bring out the tissues...
TheCatsMeow65 write: Do you all find that you let the kids get away with alot more so than when you were married? Hmmm such as sleeping with you every night...ummm Oh its ok honey you can go play with your friends, you can do you chores later...etc?
Not at all. My kids lived one wk with me, and one wk with their Dad. If they were out of line and were grounded at my house for a week, but the next day were heading over to their Dad's...I simply called him up, filled him in on what had happened and let him know the punishment and that punishment was carried through at his house! The kids knew Mom & Dad were on board together. There was no playing one against the other. Eg. Asking Mom for $20.00, she says 'no' so then ask 'Dad'. Mom talks to Dad, and vice versa! lol Communication and getting along is key for well adjusted kids. I realize it is not always easy or possible for this to happen. I've been fortunate.
You are very fortunate Sharp to be on the same page w/your X...I feel like Im always swimming up a river w/o a paddle with mine
Butter, I skimmed this over before in March when you posted it. This time I really read it word for word. It gave me chills reading this masterpiece from your son. He is a wonderful son and reading this really gives me a lot of insight into why I like you so much. I hope you framed that and hung it someplace you will always see it. I can only hope my children feel similiar when they become young adults. That was so touching.
Cats, It seems to me like you spoil your little one in more than just the materialistic sense. I think you just love her so much you give her more attention than you did when you were married and unless it is excessive that is a wonderful thing. The older my kids get the less they need me so if you give her more than you gave your other girls than so be it. I take any chance I can get to spend quality time with the kids. We still have little "sleep overs" in the family room which allows us a chance to communicate after a full day.
Your little one will love you for saying, "NO honey you can't have that now, maybe you can save up for it". Kids love guidance, structure and balance, although they don't admit it. They feel secure knowing they are cared for enough for you to set limitations. Parents can create monsters by giving in to every request made by their children. In the long run those children end up unable to think for themselves and often disrespectful of their surroundings.
However, Cats, you have 2 older girls so you know much more than I do in that department. I think the fact you care so much for your children and openly admit you might be doing something wrong is more mature than many parents would or could ever do. Many of the parents that think they know it all are the ones who have a price to pay later on in their childrens' lives. From what I know about you Cats, you are incredibly nuturing, loving and humble. Your daughter is very fortunate. I have a feeling she will grow up to be just like YOU!