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INFIDELITY- to tell or not to tell
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Posted on Tue, May 31, 2005 02:54

When a married man decides to come clean and confesses his infidelity to his wife, what should the wife do, forgive and forget or walk out on him?

When you know a friend's spouse is having an affair with someone would you tell your friend about it or is it none of your business?



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Posted on Sat, Jun 04, 2005 00:08

Statuesque..
I agree that many men who stray sometimes do it to see how far they could get away with it, ..something to make them 'feel alive' and this happens often with men going thru mid-life crisis..and increasingly I see women going into that trend too. Quite a few of my girlfriends have been 'the other woman' and at least two landed up being the 'co-respondent' in divorce suits and eventually marry their lovers..I don't judge them for being 'marriage-wreckers' yet often wonder whether there is another side to the story...why married men and women stray and commit adult*ery..so I would like to hear the less heard story and reason for their doing it..there are at least quite a few I noticed on IM who honestly claim to be 'married' so what are they truly looking for on MM?



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Posted on Fri, Jun 03, 2005 16:20

Of course Kelli made a statement which is not always true. That something was wrong in the marriage.Here is where the communication comes in. If one or both does not discuss what they need or want different or what they can do together, then that question will never get answered. I have know women who have said they had a great marriage and somehow it went down the tubes over another women. They sex was exciting and great. The comraderie is great. everything appears great. But yet he/she/cheats. There are other reasons that can not be controlled. He/she could just want the excitement of "getting away with something. Or a change in pace(Well become single and pick a different girl for each day of the weak)So many times what you think is not always true. Sometimes there are no answers just results and consequences.......



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Posted on Fri, Jun 03, 2005 09:51

Well, people make mistakes and I think that they should give there spouse a 2nd chance and something had to go wrong in the marriage and that way they can work on it and fix it.

hmm a mistake? u accidenlty got naked ?? ok lets walk thru this-- u gotta pull down ya zipper undress and u know the rest- move ya but* up and down..not quite a mistake in my book- spelling is a mistake- that is an out and out " i didnt care" as far as fixing the marriage-- the cheater has no excuse to accidently get naked-- fix it before ya get naked-- in my world u get naked by mistake- i change locks by mistake



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Posted on Fri, Jun 03, 2005 08:22

My answer to this question is pretty simple. I wish my friends would have known and told me about it. Took me way to long to figure out what the ex was doing behind my back. The answer is, yes, I'm telling, even if it causes some short term friction between my friend and I, the long term benefits would be better for my friend.



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Posted on Thu, Jun 02, 2005 22:40


Jocklawyer write:

NYCHICK write:
to tell or not to tell-- hmm i would not tell. nope not my business. i am a firm believer in if your mate is cheating there are enough red flags that u either choose to see or choose to ignore.. so not my place to confirm something u prob have your own clue about.. somehow someway- they will work it out and the Teller will be the bad guy - so i simply allow the cheater to take the rope he has and hang himself -- lies come out without someone havig to confirm.. the cheater will blow it him or herself and the partner will ignore or see what is apparent.. sooo if mister comes home with lipstick rings around his pp and the wife still isnt sure -- hmm does she really need my confirmation..

got to much business of my own to be fixing someone elses marriage

I'm just an occasional visitor to the forum, but this woman hits the nail on the head with this post. I can't believe I actually agree with her on something....

It just isn't anyone's business except the people involved, good friends or not...

maybe u love me lawyer



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Posted on Thu, Jun 02, 2005 20:36

This is an interesting topic. There are circumstances where I'd tell and other's where I wouldn't. It depends on the nature of the people, my friendship, and their marriage.

One thing I won't do, that unfortunately too many men will, is cover for a cheating friend or co-worker. I learned the hard way in business long ago that people that cheat on their spouses can't be trusted in business either.

I remember one partner I had over 15 years ago once asked me to cover for him and tell his wife he had been with me when he wasn't. And he was a senior partner and I had a lot to lose for p*ssing him off. But I told him that not only would I not cover for him but if his wife ever asked me questions related to his infidelity I would answer her honestly.

And then I investigated what he'd been up to and he was cooking some false sales contracts. I began making arrangements to dissolve our partnership right after. Thank goodness I did because I found out he was planning on screwing me and my other partners. It was costly but worth it.



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Posted on Thu, Jun 02, 2005 16:44

Thank you Cat!! You're one classy lady as well!

~Smiles

Thank you Darlin :)



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Posted on Thu, Jun 02, 2005 16:44


fun4two write:

Jocklawyer write:

It just isn't anyone's business except the people involved, good friends or not...



May I ask you a hypothetical question?

If you were married, and your best friend knew your wife was cheating on you ... he also knew that many of your colleagues knew ... and you were being made a fool of by your cheating spouse's antics ... would YOU want your friend to care enough about your well-being and professional standing to 'help' you find the information? Or do you believe that you would want to continue to be the blind-poor-sap-nice-guy?

~Smiles

NO WAY I'd wanna know



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Posted on Thu, Jun 02, 2005 08:38


fun4two write:

Jocklawyer write:

It just isn't anyone's business except the people involved, good friends or not...



May I ask you a hypothetical question?

If you were married, and your best friend knew your wife was cheating on you ... he also knew that many of your colleagues knew ... and you were being made a fool of by your cheating spouse's antics ... would YOU want your friend to care enough about your well-being and professional standing to 'help' you find the information? Or do you believe that you would want to continue to be the blind-poor-sap-nice-guy?

~Smiles



BRAVO!!! well put!! I agree.Why would anyone want to cover for a cheater?



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Posted on Thu, Jun 02, 2005 08:01

Fun4two:
What a story! That was a good way of letting her know... by asking her first how she would inform YOU. Clever and tactful and got the job done. Never would have thought of that.
Now I just hope I never have to do that myself with one of my friends!



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Posted on Thu, Jun 02, 2005 05:27


fun4two write:
And from another perspective:

My best friend's husband was cheating ... I knew and she, poor dear, hadn't a clue. One evening, after several glasses of wine, I posed a hypothetical question to her? I asked her what she would do if she found out my husband was cheating on me? Would she tell me? She answered: I don't think so ... because you would end up hating me for being the bearer of bad news. Well, it wasn't the case, but I assumed that's how she would react. So I asked her how she would handle the information, and she explained that she would find out where and when they were meeting; come and pick me up; and take me to where they were having the tryst.

Three days later, I called her and said I needed her to go with me to find something ... I picked her up ... took her to the house where her husband and his girlfriend were, and was witness to the end of her marriage. (boy was it ugly!)

She appreciated that I had asked her in a non-threatening, non-accussatory way, the best approach several days earlier ...

Honesty is the best policy ... cliche ... but true. How the honesty is presented is as individual as each personality. There is no one right answer ... no one right way to share the information ... but withholding information is the same form of deception as lying ... well, that's my opinion!

Oh ... and btw ... at every bachlorette party I attend ... that's a question (after much imbibing) I always ask the bride to be ... "how would you want that information presented" ... just in case ...

~Smiles

Fun you were very classy in your tactic to inform you friend and I will remember you approach next time :)



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Posted on Wed, Jun 01, 2005 23:24

fun4two,
That was a dramatic revelation. Must remember to pose that question to pre-wedding parties. My most asked question to ladies :
Which sad news do you choose , to lose your husband to another woman or to death?
My count has been 9 out of 10 rather lose their husbands to premature death than another woman.. I think pride and ego has lots to do with it. NOw that I am a widow, I tell them , the difference is our kids don't have a father to go to but if you lose him to another woman, at least your kids still have a dad.

What if you are the other woman in the affair, how do you justify the act as the guilty marriage breaker?
A much debated issue recently here before the infamous wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles..there was such a lot of opinions across the nation, should they or should'nt they marry and how should she be treated, queen or some other title..is this condoning an act that is against the church , what should the church do about morality and adult*ery in marriage..



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Posted on Wed, Jun 01, 2005 22:00


Minerva415 write:
Butterfly, you do make some very good points for sure, that's why it's such a difficult thing. I have never been in that situation (having to tell my friend that her husband is cheating on her) so I might react differently confronted with this in reality. Now I'm trying to imagine what I think would be the best thing.
If I chose NOT to say anything, that does not mean that I am a bad friend though.
But I guess if I put myself in her shoes, then I think I would like to know. For sure it must be awful knowing that everyone else around you knew, except you.



Okay I dont see anyone else putting it out there so I guess I will be the first and tell you how it feels. I was 6 months pregnant..my husband at the time worked in a factory and worked the late night shift. I would take care of the girls allday just to show up at night and bring him dinner or visit with him on breaks. Anyway, there came a time where I was going through a really hard time..bad test results and such so I didnt make it to take him dinner although he knew why. Two months went by and I couldnt figure out why people would look at me different.

Too make a long story short I I found out (doesnt matter how) that he was cheating on me with someone who knew me and knew I was pregnant..I live in a small town so everyone..and I mean EVERYONE knew except me. Guess I was too happy with the pregnancy and thinking we were happy. It hurt far more that nobody said anything and they were my friends..then it could have ever hurt if they would have just told me upfront. Anyway, hopefully my problem will help just one person..at least make someone take a look at whats going on and to make the decision on whether its something they would be proud to be a part of. Just my thought though.



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Posted on Wed, Jun 01, 2005 21:18

I am not as tolerant as you guys.

1) Spouse cheats. I would find a divorce attorney immediately. There is NO excuse for infidelity. Stay faithful or leave the marriage.

2) Friend cheated on. I would tell my friend immediately and I would expect the same. Otherwise, the person is not my friend if they are keeping secrets.

I am the most faithful person I know. I had chances to cheat during my marriage. Especially during the failing part of my marriage. Did I take that road? No. Did I try to fix my marriage and fight for it until the bitter end? Yes! I walked away knowing that I did everything possible to save my marriage.

There is another point for me. If I am dating a woman and found out she cheated in a prior relationship then I wouldn't be with her anymore. It would be too easy for her to do it again. I figure once a cheater than always a cheater.



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Posted on Wed, Jun 01, 2005 08:27


Minerva415 write:
Butterfly, you do make some very good points for sure, that's why it's such a difficult thing. I have never been in that situation (having to tell my friend that her husband is cheating on her) so I might react differently confronted with this in reality. Now I'm trying to imagine what I think would be the best thing.
If I chose NOT to say anything, that does not mean that I am a bad friend though.
But I guess if I put myself in her shoes, then I think I would like to know. For sure it must be awful knowing that everyone else around you knew, except you.

I waited a year before I told my friend that her husband was in town and cheated w/another one of my friends...talk about weird...but the first friend had been a childhood friend...Trust me when I say this...the guilt ate me up! She ended up working things out...and was not mad at me...but more so for not telling her sooner.



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Posted on Wed, Jun 01, 2005 08:24


Like Jayde said, better than everyone else knowing, and you looking like a fool,why would anyone cover for him!

What about if he goes s*lutting around and she is clueless to find out daddy brought home a STD?



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Posted on Wed, Jun 01, 2005 08:22


Jaydeskiss write:

TheCatsMeow65 write:

Minerva415 write: Would I tell a friend her husband was cheating? Ooooh... another hard one. I think I'd probably confront HIM first and tell him I know what he's doing and he better come clean or I'll tell her! It's such a difficult situation.

No matter what it's difficult...as the husband cuts you out to look like a liar and friendships have split over stuff like this...but at least you can live w/urself..I personally would be so mad at my friend if she knew and didn't tell me...how can you call yourself a friend?



Being as that I have been there as I am sure most of us have to some extent or another I would have to say that I would want someone to tell me. It hurts more knowing that everyone around you knows and doesnt say anything. As for would I tell somebody else if their spouse was cheating..it would seriously depend on how well I knew them. If we were close friends then yes I would because they deserve to know. I figure if they know and choose to stay then thats their problem to deal with. If I didnt know the person then I of course wouldnt say anything..wouldnt be my place. That doesnt even take into account the many possibilities of catching something because of someone else's ignorance.

I agree Jayde w/everything you are saying



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Posted on Wed, Jun 01, 2005 08:21


Bonnie88 write:
hmmm. Min , nice pic..very summery and casual..great to travel with.

I often feel that when a man/woman stray , there are very deep-seated reasons for it, the marriage itself needs closer examination . Trust is the glue in the marriage , no matter how well done the repair is, the flaw will not disappear even if the glue works. My friend foolishly confessed to his affair after it was over, his wife left him but returned two years later after she had her short fling , they are back but I wonder about the trust in that marriage, how long will the glue hold it together?

Do I want to be the bearer of bad news? It will depend on how well I know them , whether it will damage their marriage further or help repair it. Some spouses tend to want to ignore it and accept it as a passing phase, some will want a clean break. Sometimes ignorance is bliss..and not knowing and keeping it all discreet is a pragmatic stance to safeguard all, especially when kids are involved. Hard issue but every case needs a different response I think.
I come from a society and culture that tolerates infidelity and therefore is seen as just a passing phase in a marriage.Chinese have always accepted polygamy in marriage for a long time, so we prefer to keep a blind eye..just like the French and the upperclass Brits..affairs are seen as a little detour which could keep the marriage from going down the mundane route. The Chinese wives have ways of getting back at their infidel husbands , they wait till they are old,decrepit and sickly, the wives will begin their torture, ill treating and ignoring them... delayed revenge with a vengeance... The Japanese wives are just as tolerant ,they are known to pay the bills of geishas for entertaining their husbands.
What do you girls in the West think ? Will you dump him or forgive him ?

Id dump his cheating arse...if Im not enuff for him...then hit the road buddy!!!



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Posted on Wed, Jun 01, 2005 06:39

Butterfly, you do make some very good points for sure, that's why it's such a difficult thing. I have never been in that situation (having to tell my friend that her husband is cheating on her) so I might react differently confronted with this in reality. Now I'm trying to imagine what I think would be the best thing.
If I chose NOT to say anything, that does not mean that I am a bad friend though.
But I guess if I put myself in her shoes, then I think I would like to know. For sure it must be awful knowing that everyone else around you knew, except you.



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