1. John pays a visit to a gorgeous young pros*titute. After four hours of exhausting great he says: 'Now you won't see me for a while'. The prost*itute regrets to see a good customer leave and asks: 'Are you too busy next week to pay me a visit?'. 'No sweety, that's not what I mean. Please turn around...'
2. Two nuns are walking home one night after going to a service. It was late and they decided to take a short cut through an alley. They were accosted by a couple of thugs. During the scuffle one of the nuns said, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." The other nun screamed, "YEE-HAW! MINE DOES!"
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died.
I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of por*nographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fuc*king Indians.'"
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate. Pete: "Have you decided how you'd like to spend the rest of eternity?" Flea: "Oh yes, St Peter! I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard." Pete: "So be it, it's done." Out of curiosity, St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later. Pete: "Hello flea, how are you doing?" Flea: "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get awakened in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, hear foul language all the time, and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that keeps flying around. It's Hell, St. Peter. I'm miserable!" Pete: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but if you say this is 'Hell', we'll have to make a change. Where else would you like to be?" Flea: "I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush." Pete: "So be it, it's done." A week later, St. Peter decided to check on the flea again. Pete: "How's it going flea?" Flea: "Well, it's kinda strange. You see, there was this big party, with lots of singing and dancing. I got bounced around a lot, and there was this strange smoke in the air that made me plumb goofy. Then there were hands scrabbling all over me. I don't remember what happened next, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can't wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station. "Honey!" he says, "you're not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it's so great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife. Triumphantly he says, We're going to do the same thing for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let's give a test run. Ok, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) a couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!". The husband confused says, "Bell #4, What's that?" The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!"
Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror as the ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hits one of the guys, who immediately clasps his hands together at his crotch, falls to the ground and rolls around in agony. The woman rushes to the guy and immediately begins apologising. "Please allow me to help," she says. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" Guy just moans and groans, finally is able to say, "I'll be all right in a few minutes." He's still in a foetal position, clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to treat his pain. She begins to massage his groin. After a few moments she asks, "Does that feel better?" The guy looks up at her and says, "Yeah, feels great. But my goddamn thumb still hurts like hell!"
1. "Gee Charley," said his golf pad, "you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" Looking glum, Charley said, "I think my wife's dead." "You * think * she's dead! "You mean you're not sure?" "Well, the sex is about the same, but the dishes are piling up."
2. So there was this girl who was going to marry a Greek guy. The night before the wedding, her father takes her aside and says, "Listen, I only have one thing to say. If your husband ever asks you to turn over, just remember -- you don't have to." So the girl and the Greek get married and, sure enough, about six months later, he asks her to turn over. So she says, "My father said I don't have to if I don't want to." So the Greek says, "What's the matter? Don't you want to have kids?"
3. Two men are playing golf when a funeral-procession passes on the street next to the green. One of the men takes of his hat and holds it to his heart. When the procession has passed the other one says: 'That was a nice gesture of you'. 'Well', the first says, after twenty years of marriage that's the least I could do for her'.
4. Did you hear about the guy and the gal who met each other in the elevator and the guy asks: "Which floor?"
The gal answers, "Third."
He reads the list of offices on the list inside the door and says, "Oh, going to give blood I see"...
She says. "Yup... it's worth $30.00!!!! Which floor you going to?"
He replies.. "Sixth floor."
She says.. "Oh, my that's the Spe*rm Bank!"
He nods and says. "Right! And it's worth $60.00!"
Couple weeks later and the same two meet again in the same elevator..
The guy says... "Third floor, again?"
....and the gal, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out.....shakes her head... ......and holds up 6 fingers......
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to
Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
Little James was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question. "James, if there were five birds sitting
on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied James, "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the
answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking.
Little James says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, and one was lic*king her cone, the
second was biting the cone, and the third was suc*king the cone, which one
is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
suc*king the cone?" "No," said Little James. "The one with the wedding
ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
A doctor and his wife had a fierce argument at breakfast. "You aren't
worth a damn in bed!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he
decided he'd better make amends. He phoned home. After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was
in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly into the room and says to his wife: "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over: " Nope".
Sam says excitedly: "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything "DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, " Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells,"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? HUH?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
To which Bessie shakes her head and replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.
You shoulda bought a hat."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls
as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
20 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN S E X:
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow"....this has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same s e x can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate don't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Only 'one' reason why sex is better than chocolate: Sex is much more fun!!
Ok , I know there is anothere thread called Jokes but I never go there so is easier to put another on here so i can read and write stupid things without "taking the bus" to go on another threand....LOL....
A recent survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs.......
10% liked the feeling
12% like the dominance
78% like the fU*Cking silence