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How do you reply?
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Posted on Sat, Apr 16, 2005 21:55

I am curious how other people handle the two sides to rejection. First, if you get an email from someone you do not think is a good match, do you politely say no thank-you, or just ignore the email and delete it. I've done both methods, and not sure which is more appropriate. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, on the other hand not acknowledging the email may do just that.
Second, if you have been communicating with someone and they just "disapeer" without explanation, do you just chalk it up to another loss, or hunt them down and demand to know what's up?



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Posted on Mon, Apr 18, 2005 13:24

Common courtesy is never out of style...



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Posted on Mon, Apr 18, 2005 12:12

katrinagrl write:
You know what I cannot fathom at all? When you write to someone for months and then he calls and you begin a phone relationship and you even meet once and have an incredible time....... and then he stops completely.


katie, the same thing happened to me... it just baffles me how men can do that. But I've learned... AT LAST... to not wonder endlessly... I just wonder a few days just to give him the benefit of the doubt. and then I go: "HEY! His loss..." When it doesn't happen, it just means that someone better is going to come along and appreciate you for whom you really are... THAT'S what you have to think about...

  


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Posted on Mon, Apr 18, 2005 11:26

I agree with Katie and Moonray, though I've experienced the same re: "Poof!" And thx for the pick-me-up, S4U. It is a great reminder that he isn't worth my time.

So Mag, Please, for all of us ladies, keep being the thoughtful, considerate man that you are...and not one of the "others" who just disappears :).

Ultimately, I think it's whatever I need to do to be able to sleep at night. If I feel I need closure, then I attempt to get it. If he doesn't respond, I have his response, ya know? That, in and of itself, is closure.

I've posted a similar topic: "When First Dates prove he/she isn't what was represented..."

I'd definitely like to hear your thoughts on this as well, but please post reply to that topic.

Got to get to work now. Have a great day, and "I'll see you on the dark side..."
:)
~Shan



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Posted on Mon, Apr 18, 2005 00:48

Katie.....I can't imagine any man just ditching you like that....just like the other girl said. I would have called him, I would have needed closure! Especially if you spent considerable time getting to know each other.......



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Posted on Mon, Apr 18, 2005 00:48

Katie - I don't know about men, but after reading your post, & my own experience once, I think women NEED that closure. Closure gives us an understanding of why did they leave us, or no longer want to see us after sharing such incredible moments together. That understanding, & closure somehow helps it the breakup to hurt less. We are a creature that needs answers. When we have those answers, we have that closure, and with that closure we can get over that person and the hurt sooner, with maybe less anger also. Without the closure, we might even harbor thoughts of "what if" and have hopes that maybe we still might have a chance to get back together. We can string ourselves along...and not be open for a long time to someone else entering our lives. Make sense?



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Posted on Mon, Apr 18, 2005 00:44

Mag thatsa good ? and one which will have many answers. I guess it's figuring out which i right. I try and write back a little something even if i am not interested. Sometimes thay get upset and sometimes they say thank you. When some 5'6: dude writes me i usually will address the Ht. thing..
I had a similar sutuation happen last yr. where i corresponded with a gentleman for months.After receiving his beautiful last gift. He went :poof: and it was many months that i heard fromhim again. No goodbyes. No i just don't think we are compatible, Nada.I was very much intriqued by him and our swapping info never gave me the hint.. I never knew WHY? I am a why person. Just tell me and i'll leave. But i did not have the luxury of that and so it bothered me for many months. But i became resigned that it was not me but him that had the problem. And i was right. It was........S4U

  


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Posted on Mon, Apr 18, 2005 00:38


Magnumra write:
I am curious how other people handle the two sides to rejection. First, if you get an email from someone you do not think is a good match, do you politely say no thank-you, or just ignore the email and delete it. I've done both methods, and not sure which is more appropriate. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, on the other hand not acknowledging the email may do just that.
Second, if you have been communicating with someone and they just "disapeer" without explanation, do you just chalk it up to another loss, or hunt them down and demand to know what's up?



I always reply giving some kind of reply that would not make them feel rejected.

As for hunting her down...well, that depends on the content of your emails exchanged between you. If in the past she has expressed that she likes you and she would like to get to know you, or to meet you. Then yes, you should hunt her down and reiterate her own words back to her, and ask what happened to her? Has something come up that has kept her too busy to write again, or is it the ol' "She's just not that into me!" scenario. :-)
I did that recently with a fellow. He replied we lost touch over Easter, and something I had written him made him unsure what I wanted. All it took was an email to reassure him...oh my God, you're not talking about me are you?
(kidding LOL)



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Posted on Mon, Apr 18, 2005 00:14

You know what I cannot fathom at all? When you write to someone for months and then he calls and you begin a phone relationship and you even meet once and have an incredible time....... and then he stops completely. The "not knowing" is the hardest kind of an end to a friendship there is.
I had a friend last year. We were great together! I love men with fantastic personalities sprinkled with a great sense of humour. He was that. But one week, I heard nothing. I called - no answer. I emailed all addresses - no response. It started to really hurt!
Did he perhaps die? No, I'm never that lucky! I visited one of the dating sites to send him a wink and noted he had been checking out the site that very day! Needless to say ... I did NOT send him a wink. But it hurt because there's no answer to the screaming question ....... "Why?"

Luckily, I saw he had been on the other dating site. It lessened the hurt considerably. There are other hunky men out there who are even more fun. And you know who you are too! lol

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 23:50

LOL Moon....that was a funny response. No, I don't know first hand anything.....really.....;-)

Who WOULDN'T be interested in Mag?? I mean he's a hottie! So many other things too......I am guessing. :-D

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 21:08

I agree, 1HM, of course Mag will be the one who knows all about the situation he's dealing with... we don't... well maybe you do... but I don't.... well at least I don't think I do... well I'm not sure anymore...
(giggle)...

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 18:30

Moon.....I think probably Mag and this person have been writing VERY long email letters and that takes more thought and time than a simple "Hi how are you......?" His letters probably deserved nice looooong responses back, with some heartfelt time put in. I don't think it's a matter of 'not interested' at all. But more a matter of lots going on at the same time. Maybe this person has been extremely busy as of late. I think he is understanding of that. He is such a good guy and so SUBTLE!!

I am just speculating though! ;-) Not that I know first hand or anything.......

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 17:45


1_42n8_1 write:
Also, I have had one case where I didn't hear from someone (not from this site) after a long communication and several (great) dates and it turned out that they died! So if it seems very bizarre and you care enough, a one time, QUICK note or a phone message (if you have gotten that far), making sure they are OK, but reassuring them you don't need to continue might be a good thing to create closure. What is there to lose?


Yeah Mag....listen to this one! She has good advice :-) Although I don't believe any death has occurred....has it??
:-) Although posting in the forum where she might see all of this was a smart idea too. Assuming she would be smart enough to figure out it was she you were talking about! So, be a hunter Mag and hunt her down.....she will be MORE interested in you after showing your persistence in interest in her! I just know it.........:-)

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 13:34

Thanx for the comments, very helpful , :-)



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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 09:53

Magnum...I find that we all get used to the no reply thing, but I have also made it my business to find pleasant and truthful ways of saying it isn't a good match for me. Just thanking someone for the interest is a good and humble thing.

Also, I have had one case where I didn't hear from someone (not from this site) after a long communication and several (great) dates and it turned out that they died! So if it seems very bizarre and you care enough, a one time, QUICK note or a phone message (if you have gotten that far), making sure they are OK, but reassuring them you don't need to continue might be a good thing to create closure. What is there to lose?



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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 08:05

1HM... I still feel that if the person is truly interested, then no matter how busy he is, he will shoot an email... after all, it takes but a few seconds.
I'm a very busy lately and I always find time to reply within 24 hours, and most of the time sooner... only if to at least acknowledge the email and say that I'll get back to them later.

I find that if the person is "too busy" to at least acknowledge the email, then further down the road, he'll be "too busy" to commit properly to a relationship and it will only end up in aggravation.

Now if the 2 people are the same way... WELL more power to them!!!!! lol

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 07:37

Moonray..I agree...i might give one re-return e just to see if there was no mistake :) and thats it...they're just not that into you....



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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 03:11


Magnumra write:
Second, if you have been communicating with someone and they just "disapeer" without explanation, do you just chalk it up to another loss, or hunt them down and demand to know what's up?


Yes Mag.....email to find out. :-)That person just may be busy with kids, work and life. With all the email that comes in on a daily basis, it's also very easy to lose track of what's been answered and what hasn't. It gets moved down the list and suddenly off the radar screen! It doesn't always mean 'not interested or into you', it may just be an oversight. OR a lost email. Many times I have written people, only to find out they never received my correspondence, but due to uncertainty, they didn't email me to find out. It could just be a misunderstanding! ;-) You should find out from the person that supposedly disappeared! Persistence shows interest! Just don't get into the stalking territory!

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 02:10

Being an older and older woman, I speak truth to you young lovelies. Have you ever (EVER) heard a man you were interested in say that he should do something because it's polite?

Listen to what your instinct tells you to do, especially on the internet. "Polite" has ruined more women than all the really bad and evil men, recognized and discarded.

  


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Posted on Sun, Apr 17, 2005 00:43

Hmmm.... good questions Magnum!
I think the polite thing to do is to answer the email anyway so that - like Moonray says - the other person won't be waiting and wondering if you ever got her email etc...
The 2nd question is a bit more tricky.... depends how long you've been communicating and how "close" you had gotten (as close as two people can get obviously online!)
If all was going really well and you felt something for her (and perhaps you also talked on the phone) then I think there's nothing wrong with sending an email or calling to see what's happening and why you haven't heard from her.
If still no reaction then I guess you can drop it completely and not make any more contact - hurtful as that may be for a while.
But being the nice and handsome guy you are, some other lucky girl will soon whisk you away to Blissdom!!
:-)



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