Okay I just posted at the thread for reporting bad guys which leads me to this:
A guy IMs or emails me. I check out the photo first, then profile and he's obviously not my type. If I IM politely and let them know (nicely and gently, I'm not a mean one!) that I'm not interested, they ask me why and when I tell them, the guy breaks out into a severe case of sore loser! LOL! Whatever happened to being gracious? At another site a guy thanked me and said it took a woman with class to respond. I was truly impressed by that!
I think that the rudest thing I can do is ignore a man when he IMs me. (But then again, I come from Europe (a couple of different nations on top of that!), so my culture is way different!) For as much as I love American men, it seems they feathers always get kinda ruffled very easily over nothing!
Just the other day, this guy went off on me because my profile says that I'd rather not date men with blue eyes. (Thank goodness I can't be called a racist on that one, LOL!) All by himself, he had himself a fit on the IM and called me superficial etc.. So I told him "look would you have IMed me in the first place if I weigh 200lbs? We all have our criteria" then I said sthg about the pot calling the kettle black!
Same thing with another guy in his 50's! (The "father figure" type is a major turn-off to me!).
Anyways, American people, my question is this: ladies, how do you turn down a guy? do you just ignore IM's and emails? Isn't that the epitome of rudeness? I mean if I see a photo I like and I read the guy's profile and he's exclusively into blondes, I don't get bent out of shape or try to convince him to give me a chance. I move on. Why try to change someone??!
Guys: can you handle the truth? or would you rather be ignored than being told "I don't date guys twenty years older than me, with purple skin, yellow teeth, long fuschia hair"? Would you rather not know? Or can you respond with a "fair enough! Good luck to you!"and move on with a smile?
I notice that a lot of guys really have no pref. so far as women, anything will do! That's fine too if the guy has no idea what he wants, or has never drawn a type from past relationships.
And as a disclaimer (before all the guys start attacking) I've been attracted to balding men before, went out with an overweight one and really liked him at the time, and I can (alas!) be irresistibly drawn to blue eyes but I feel that for my sake, I'd rather turn off the blue eyed ones before the past repeats itself. It's just a preference! I'm sure that the guys who contact me wouldn't if I weighed 300lbs, had short spikey hair, a thick mustache or looked like a librarian.
Which reminds me of a bible quote. Something about the... uh... the... wait! Brb...
"how canst thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the
mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?" (I love Google!)
Okay! So I look forward to hearing from both sides, the ladies how do you turn down a guy tactfully. The men, can you handle it or would you rather be ignored, what's more polite for you?
And hopefully we can remain civil and appreciate each other for our differences, not bash each other for them.
best way is to have lousy sex with them. NYChick when are you going to stop fooling around on this dating site and marry me? Come on. I've got a freezer full of beer for you to open and bring to me. And no sipping. get your own beer.
hmm i dont get many emails.. But if i did i would hmmm simply ignore.. response means they caught your attention.. if they take it personal that you did not respond.. well then i say hop in a cab buddy and hit the therapist...pronto!!
I've read each of these responses and they are all basically saying the same thing: This is a problem on both sides of the fence.
I agree - I've tried the polite route and been called 'shallow', I've tried the "no thanks" route and been found on the IM train of rudeness. I'm not a fan of either.
I think it's each individual persons reaction to rejection. One who is secure in themselves and how they look will not take it as a 'personal' stab at their EGO - ones who do, well, we all make choices, don't we?
I just try not to dwell on those who attempt to make me feel bad because THEY do.
I wish everyone the best of luck and thanks for responding to these forums. I'm learning A LOT I thought I already knew! kisses
maybe I am odd, but no explanation needed... Actually, by telling them why, you might be needlessly hurting their feelings, and hence the reaction of anger... Surely no one here is a virgin that has never experienced rejection before... Just politely say "no thank you" and leave it at that. If they get snippy after that, that is their problem to learn to deal with. If they get silly, then they should be reported for abuse... IMHO... But what do I know... I don't have a partner and I'm looking on the internet :o)
BTW, men do not have a monopoly on behaving this way...
1hotmama.....I have had the same thing happen. Someone writes and pays me a compliment and say he wants to know more. I simply say Thank you for the compliment and don't say anymore, but I still get emails. It has gotten to the point of not saying anything..
I agree that a nice "no thanks" is in order, BUT it has come back to bite me. Some men see that as an open door and then you are faced with being more rude just to get the email to stop. Match.com has a new feature that allows you to respond "no thanks" with some pre-set remarks. I have been using that feature and love it! The men I have found do not respond back in most cases, since they know you did not write them, but instead simply clicked a choice to send them. This site would be smart to add that feature as well. It's a tough spot for women because we get so much mail...and it's time consuming to answer it all. Just like BFDeal said....women can get inundated with email from men and it's very true. :-) Not just the beautiful ones!
ROTF LMAO BF Deal, too funny! Your "conceited female" mock-up post is just too much! See? That is EXACTLY why I write the guys back, the ones I'm not interested in. I don't want them to think I'm on a "Mango" trip. (Think SNL: "NO! You cannot have the EuropeanQT!" LOL!)
In the real world (read: outside cyberworld) I always say "Hi" to guys that I notice checking me out, ugly, fat, bald, handsome, mentally challenged, they're all (nice) people to me and a smile always adds some cheer to someone's day. Especially mine, of course, I'm God's gift to men, the cadillac of brunette eye candy! (JK! ROTF LOL!) I'm not leading anyone on, heck I say hi to women as well, I'm just a friendly kinda QT! Most of the time I really forget how adorable I am, I mean I don't walk around with a mirror in hand! ;o)
But I think you're probably right about ignoring them, *sighs*
Rialawgirl, yeah, I do all that except be vague when they ask me why, LOL! (Cause your green fuzzy teeth are just too long for me Sweetheart!) ;o)
MasRogue, you're just too funny! I ignored all your IM's because I read your profile and right now I'm afraid I just can't fulfill your fantasy, I'm guess I'm out of your league! Too bad for me, *sighs* ;o)
CapnRick, love it! I guess I could do that, or hit the "block sender" .
My favorite really is being called superficial for judging looks when those guys are no doubt *wink* IMing me on account of my very Shakespearian profile, LOL!
Thanks as well Jim and Lordie Lord.
Okay, I just can't wait to try it and report back. Let's see, the minute BFDeal IMs me he'll get the "Beat it pal, didn't you read my profile? I'm not into bad boys so take a hike, I'm too good for you!" ROTF LOL!!!
I'm not gonna say I'm innundated with emails, but I do get my fair share. I TRY to answer with a polite turn down with a Thank you and Good Luck, but figure at least I answer. I wrote BFD a short email about the comment at the bottom of his photo... Something like, it's better to take a good pic of yourself as opposed to someone else taking an ugly picture of you. What did I get.........an automated response. CRACKED ME UP!! I am not interested in him in the least... Was just making a comment, but when I received that type of response, I thought how callous and shallow to think you're ALL that..
You don't have time to answer every message, better to put some attention to the one's that you do.
Popular women get inundated with messages. I've seen a few in action and they delete messages in large blocks sometimes without ever even opening them.
If you took the time to compose a reply to me, I'm going to assume you have an interest no matter what you said in the message.
There are a lot of reasons why a woman might not say what she really wanted to say. Somtimes women are bitter, have no self-esteem, are just putting out feelers while maintaining denial of that fact, or they just want the recipient to take up pursuit.
Don't start in interaction unless you want one is my advice and if you are able to slam a man in response, make sure you don't get all upset if he slams you back.
From my site, an example from beautiful women:
You know it's true.
Since you're really good looking, your probably don't like sitting back and letting them come to you, it's too much work to sort through them. You get a hundred e-mails right from the start.
You read a few of those inbox messages, maybe even answer 1 or 2. But by the 10th or 15th message, they all sound the same:
You get quicker and quicker at deleting them.
No pic? In the trash!
Starts out raving about your beauty? Delete!
85 to go. Pretty soon you start deleting them for any reason at all and after a while, maybe you aren't even OPENING them before deleting them. You start deleting them, faster, then even faster. Finally you are deleting them in big blocks.
Then you start browsing and you pick the guy you want, probably one that didn't write you. Damn, why doesn't the one you WANT ever write you.
So you want to seem cool and not too eager. You send a casual message that makes you seem so "there for another reason", you say something and maybe you're interested, maybe not.
What you wrote him didn't indicate interest exactly and it could go either way. You left a remark that sort of shows interest yet feigns disinterest to see if he bites. Sort of like:
Hi, I was just walking by here and my fingers slipped and typed you this message. It wasn't on purpose because I'm not looking. I have men all around me and I don't HAVE to go looking, not on the internet. I certainly am not applying, if that's what you think, I don't have to prove anything to you. What you seek doesn't exist. I have more men than you can imagine and every one of them blows you away in every category. You're not all that. I feel sorry for you, good luck. Asshole. Don't write back, I've blocked you.
Meanwhile, you are wondering why Mr. Right never writes you back!
LOL...you pose an interesting question. As a guy, if I send out a response to someone and I all I get back is silence that pretty much let's me know the person isn't interested.
Some guys simply can't take a hint and/or have such fragile egos that rejection (even passive rejection) just doesn't sit well with them. It probably is (in part at least) why they are single.
Now explain to me why you haven't responsed to my last 8 e-mails of my 15 IM's!!! You're so mean!! : )
Let's face it...the is no "correct" way to turn down the advances of a childish person, who peevishly acts like a 3 year-old being told..."This candy is NOT for you". My advice has always been to politely notify them. Then, when the FLAME you, do like we do in the secure computer site business: DELETE before reading! hahaha
I believe in honesty too. I have been cursed out before because I don't want to date a man with children (wasn't on this site). It's just a preference. I would seem to think that people in general would prefer honesty instead of being led on...at least I do.
EuropeanQT, I think you have just run across the ill mannered. I don't think you should change the fact that you are honest.
I agree with you on the father figure thing. I noticed that 50 something men are saving me to their favorites. My parents are in their 50's and I just cannot see dating someone in that age bracket.