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  • View author's info Posted on Sep 19, 2006 at 11:31 AM

    Nice Story

    Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

    A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

    Eventually the construction crew, all softies at heart, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn her very own deposit at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

    My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those ass*holes ever deliver the fuc*king sheet rock..."

    Kind of brings a tear to the eye.
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 18, 2006 at 03:35 AM

    Something to Smile about!

    A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
    HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
    staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
    private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

    The white man faints and falls to the floor.

    The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says,
    "What's wrong with you?"

    In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

    The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
    you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
    tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
    weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
    Turner Brown."

    The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
    "Turn Around!"
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 13, 2006 at 08:28 PM

    With the high price of gas, a station in Tennessee was trying to make the high cost of gas worth the cost so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

    Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close; the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

    A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."

    As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 07, 2006 at 07:10 PM

    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

    Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

    Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

    Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

    Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm thinking 'bout taking Earlene with me."
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 02:11 PM

    Blonde Bus

    A blonde is visiting Washington, D.C. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.

    ?Excuse me, officer,? the blonde says, ?How do I get to the capitol building??
    The officer says, ?Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.?
    The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.

    Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, ?Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting??

    The blonde says, ?Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!?
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 02:09 PM

    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so they can breed their own stock.

    They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ?When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.?

    The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, ?I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.?

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, ?It's just 99 cents a word.?

    After paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ?I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.' ?

    The operator shakes his head. ?How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'??

    The brunette explains, ?My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!?
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 02:08 PM

    As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life
    Is your mind like lightning? Have you topped up your turn signal fluid?

    1. Blonde: "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

    2. Husband: Someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

    3. ?I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.?

    4. If you can't be a good example then be a horrible warning.

    5. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

    6. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

    7. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it?s gone.

    8. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

    9. The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only Expects you to kiss his ring.

    10. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

    11. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
  • View author's info Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 02:06 PM

    Blonde Breakdown

    A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

    Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

    The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, ?What the heck is going on here??
    ?My car broke down,? says the lady, calmly.
    ?Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?? asks the cop.

    And she said... (scroll down)
    ?Those are my emergency flashers!? she replied.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 29, 2006 at 05:04 PM

    Guy Quiz

    1. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

    a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    b) your blood-test results
    c) five tequila slammers

    2. You time your orgasm so that:

    a) your partner climaxes first
    b) you both climax simultaneously
    c) you don't miss SportsCenter

    3. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

    a) healthy, creative love-play
    b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
    c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

    4. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

    a) the best part of the experience
    b) the second best part of the experience
    c) $100 extra

    5. Foreplay is to sex as:

    a) appetizer is to entree
    b) primer is to paint
    c) a line is to an amusement park ride

    6. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

    a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
    b) is uptight and a waste of time
    c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 29, 2006 at 12:46 PM

    1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,"I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

    3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
    amounted to much. The second one,naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

    5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

    7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
    manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
    in an open foyer."

    8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
    Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
    the men of God, a rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade"
    them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
    that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 28, 2006 at 10:14 AM

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
    Walking up behind her, he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"

    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around,
    looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I scr*w anybody, any
    time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back
    door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes
    on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever
    since I got out of college ... I just flat-as*s love it!"

    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too!
    What firm are you with?"
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 28, 2006 at 09:11 AM

    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 23, 2006 at 04:11 AM

    Sign Language

    A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower upstairs. He realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife at the bathroom window, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What??????"

    The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What???!!!!?!" The man repeats his gestures....... "EYE KNEE... THE RAKE!"

    The wife nods that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

    Well, there is NO WAY in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the hell was THAT?"

    She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 23, 2006 at 04:05 AM

    Koala and the Little Lizard

    A koala is sitting up a gumtree
    smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past?
    and looks up and says
    "HeyKoala !? what are you doing?"
    The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

    So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a
    few joints.
    After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to
    get a drink from the river.
    But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
    into the river.
    A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to
    the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

    The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
    joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
    river while taking a drink.
    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain
    forest finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and
    he looks up and says "Hey you!"
    So the koala looks down at him and says:

    Faaaaarrrrk much water did you drink?!!"
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 20, 2006 at 07:13 PM

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

    "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
    That's 96 miles each day.

    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

    That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

    Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as th eir biggest problem. That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Give her the finger? I don't think so.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 12, 2006 at 10:26 AM


    Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
    'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach,
    I don't know and I don't care."

    Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
    player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
    spending too much time on one subject."

    Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
    Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
    "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walking.)
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 12, 2006 at 10:25 AM

    Why Athletes can't hold down real jobs:

    Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'all
    dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
    copulate me."

    New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
    "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

    And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
    mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
    I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

    Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
    "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

    Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
    football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

    Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to
    graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

    Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
    alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
    then line up in a circle."

    Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
    Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
    prison for three years, not Princeton ." (This one is clever.)

    Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
    color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
    spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

    Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
    heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
    morning regardless of what time it is."

    Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
    Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
    expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
    aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 11, 2006 at 05:10 AM

    An old gent moved into a retirement community where good-looking,eligible men are at a premium.

    After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last week I had my way with seven different women."

    The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

    "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?

    "No," replied the priest, "but it'll wipe that grin off your face.
  • View author's info Posted on Aug 03, 2006 at 04:59 PM

    Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

    "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

    "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

    "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."

    "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

    Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $ 500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500 The rest went for the memorial stone.

    Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!"

    "Two and a half carats
  • View author's info Posted on Jul 31, 2006 at 10:16 AM

    Calmness in our lives

    By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.

    You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now! Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!
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