Do you love funny jokes? Humor

  • View author's info posted on Sep 04, 2006 14:09


    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so they can breed their own stock.

    They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ?When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.?

    The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, ?I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.?

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, ?It's just 99 cents a word.?

    After paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ?I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.' ?

    The operator shakes his head. ?How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'??

    The brunette explains, ?My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!?
  • View author's info posted on Sep 04, 2006 14:08


    As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life
    Is your mind like lightning? Have you topped up your turn signal fluid?


    1. Blonde: "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

    2. Husband: Someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

    3. ?I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.?

    4. If you can't be a good example then be a horrible warning.

    5. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

    6. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

    7. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it?s gone.

    8. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

    9. The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only Expects you to kiss his ring.

    10. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

    11. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
  • View author's info posted on Sep 04, 2006 14:06


    Blonde Breakdown

    A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

    Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

    The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, ?What the heck is going on here??
    ?My car broke down,? says the lady, calmly.
    ?Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?? asks the cop.

    And she said... (scroll down)
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ?Those are my emergency flashers!? she replied.
  • View author's info posted on Aug 29, 2006 17:04


    Guy Quiz

    1. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

    a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    b) your blood-test results
    c) five tequila slammers


    2. You time your orgasm so that:

    a) your partner climaxes first
    b) you both climax simultaneously
    c) you don't miss SportsCenter


    3. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

    a) healthy, creative love-play
    b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
    c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about


    4. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

    a) the best part of the experience
    b) the second best part of the experience
    c) $100 extra


    5. Foreplay is to sex as:

    a) appetizer is to entree
    b) primer is to paint
    c) a line is to an amusement park ride


    6. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

    a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
    b) is uptight and a waste of time
    c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
  • View author's info posted on Aug 28, 2006 10:14


    A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
    Walking up behind her, he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"

    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around,
    looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I scr*w anybody, any
    time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back
    door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes
    on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever
    since I got out of college ... I just flat-as*s love it!"

    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too!
    What firm are you with?"
  • View author's info posted on Aug 28, 2006 09:11


    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
  • View author's info posted on Aug 20, 2006 19:13


    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

    "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
    That's 96 miles each day.

    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

    That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

    Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as th eir biggest problem. That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Give her the finger? I don't think so.
  • View author's info posted on Aug 12, 2006 10:26


    continued:


    Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
    'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach,
    I don't know and I don't care."


    Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
    player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
    spending too much time on one subject."


    Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
    Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
    "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walking.)
  • View author's info posted on Aug 12, 2006 10:25


    Why Athletes can't hold down real jobs:



    Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'all
    dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
    copulate me."


    New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
    "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."


    And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
    mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
    I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."


    Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
    "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."


    Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
    football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."


    Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to
    graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)


    Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
    alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
    then line up in a circle."


    Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
    Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
    prison for three years, not Princeton ." (This one is clever.)


    Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
    color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
    spell my name, I can still find my clothes."


    Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
    heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
    morning regardless of what time it is."


    Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
    Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
    expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
    aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
  • View author's info posted on Aug 11, 2006 05:10


    An old gent moved into a retirement community where good-looking,eligible men are at a premium.

    After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last week I had my way with seven different women."

    The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

    "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?

    "No," replied the priest, "but it'll wipe that grin off your face.
  • View author's info posted on Aug 03, 2006 16:59


    Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

    "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

    "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

    "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."

    "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

    Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $ 500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500 The rest went for the memorial stone.

    Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!"

    "Two and a half carats
  • View author's info posted on Jul 31, 2006 10:16


    Calmness in our lives

    By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.

    You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now! Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!
  • View author's info posted on Jul 28, 2006 15:07


    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"


    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"


    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"


    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."


    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"


    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."


    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)


    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)


    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"


    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."


    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"


    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"


    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"


    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"


    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"


    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."


    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"


    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."


    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"


    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"


    WIFE: -- silence --


    HUSBAND: "shit."
  • View author's info posted on Jul 28, 2006 04:20


    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

    One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering
    about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the
    intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!
    I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
    Noticing some bones on the
    ground close by, he immediately
    settles down to chew on the bones
    with his back to the approaching cat.
    Just as the leopard is about to leap
    the old poodle exclaims loudly,
    "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
    I wonder if there are any more around here?"
    Hearing this, the young leopard
    halts his attack in mid-strike, a
    look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
    says the leopard, "That was close!
    That old poodle nearly had me!"
    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
    nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
    for protection from the leopard.
    So off he goes, but the old poodle
    sees him heading after the leopard
    with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey
    soon catches up with the leopard,
    spills the beans and strikes a deal
    for himself with the leopard.
    The young leopard is furious at
    being made a fool of and says,
    "Here, monkey, hop on my back
    and see what's going to happen
    to that conniving canine!
    Now, the old poodle sees the
    leopard coming with the monkey
    on his back and thinks, "What am
    I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with
    his back to his attackers, pretending
    he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
    "Where's that darn monkey? I sent
    him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
    Moral of the story...
    Don't mess with old farts...age and and treachery will always overcome youth
    and skill!
  • View author's info posted on Jul 27, 2006 16:58


    A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

    The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

    The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

    The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
    The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

    The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

    A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

    The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

    The Lord replies, "A minute."
    Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
    The Lord replies, "A penny."

    Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

    The Lord replies, "In a minute."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young, beautiful, sexy wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?"

    Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
  • View author's info posted on Jul 27, 2006 16:56


    All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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    Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
    Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
    Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

    Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

    "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
  • View author's info posted on Jul 27, 2006 16:55


    Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
    Before marriage and after marriage.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
    Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder?
    All the DNA is the same.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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  • View author's info posted on Jul 23, 2006 18:08


    This is for all you girls 40 years and over....and for those who are turning 40,
    And for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's..
    And for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

    Andy Rooney says:
    As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
    Here are just a few reasons why:

    A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"What are you thinking?"
    She doesn't care what you think.
    If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
    Around whining about it.She does something she wants to do.
    And, it's usually something more interesting.
    A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
    What she is, what she wants and from whom.
    Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her
    Or what she's doing.
    Women over 40 are dignified.They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the
    Middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course,if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you,
    If they think they can get away with it.
    Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
    They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
    A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
    A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
    Because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 Couldn't care less if you're attracted
    To her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
    Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
    They always know. A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
    This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two,
    A woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
    Older women are forthright and honest.
    They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!
    You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
    Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
    Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a
    Bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
    Ladies, I apologize.
    For all those men who say,"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update
    For you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why?
    Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
  • View author's info posted on Jul 21, 2006 17:58


    The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

    "How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.

    "Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

    When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"

    "X*#dammit!," screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

    A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"

    "Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

    "Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"

    "Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"
  • View author's info posted on Jul 19, 2006 22:14


    GOOD:

    Harrisville, RI... Policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
    wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was
    standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
    AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
    reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.

    BETTER:

    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
    radar post in Mapleville, RI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
    cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
    with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

    BEST:

    A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
    As Rhode Island State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RI State Troopers Ball.
    "He replied, "Rhode Island State Troopers don't have balls."
    There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
    He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
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