Do you love funny jokes? Humor

  • View author's info Posted on Mar 17, 2006 at 08:47 AM

    Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

    Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."

    Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
    Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

    Man: "Is this seat empty?"
    Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

    Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

    Man: "Your place or mine?"
    Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

    Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."

    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

    Man: "What sign were you born under?"
    Woman: "No Parking."

    Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
    Woman: "Do Not Enter."

    Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized!"

    Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
    Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

    Man: "I can tell that you want me."
    Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

    Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
    Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

    Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
    Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

    Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
    Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."

    Man: "Your body is like a temple."
    Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

    Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
    Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 17, 2006 at 08:40 AM

    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,?'Honey, my hands are freezing!? She says, ?Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.?

    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, ?Man! My hands are really freezing!? She says again, ?Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.? He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, ?Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.? She looks at him and says, ?For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold??
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 17, 2006 at 08:38 AM

    This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it?s a gay bar, but decides, ?What the heck, I really want a drink.?

    When the gay waiter approaches, he asks to the customer, ?What?s the name of your penis??

    The customer says, ?Look, I?m not into any of that. All I want is a

    The gay waiter says, ?I?m sorry but I can?t serve you until you tell
    me the name of your penis.?

    So the customer turns to the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, ?Hey bud, what?s the name of your penis??

    The man to the left, with a smile, looks back and says, ?TIMEX.?

    The thirsty customer asks, ?Timex??

    The fella proudly replies, ?Cause it takes a lickin? and keeps on tickin?.

    A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping
    on a margarita. ?So, what do you call your penis??

    The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, ?FORD, because quality is Job 1.? Then he adds, ?Have you driven a Ford, lately??

    Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, ?The name of my penis is ?Secret?. Now give me my beer!?

    The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, ?Why Secret??

    The customer says,
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 02:01 PM

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

    To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

    At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.

    "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 01:32 PM

    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflowe! r and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds And Satan smiled.

    And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

    So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Sata n brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

    God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

    God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

    God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed and created quadrupl! e bypass surgery.

    Then Satan created HMOs.

    Thought for the day

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 01:24 PM

    A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

    So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"

    "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

    The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

    So, off they went to the bedroom.

    That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.

    "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

    "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

    Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

    So, off they went to the bedroom again.

    That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.

    After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"

    To which the new bride replies,
    "Warming up your supper!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 01:19 PM

    Men are Like...

    they only show up when there's food on the table.

    they usually run at the first sign of emotion. helmets
    they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

    ...government bonds

    they take so long to mature.

    you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

    ...lava lamps

    fun to look at it but not all that bright. accounts
    without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

    ...high heels

    they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

    ...curling irons
    they're always hot and always in your hair. skirts
    if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.


    keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 01:18 PM

    What kind of sex do you have??

    Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
    "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
    "Social Security sex?"
    "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

    A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
    "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

    "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

    Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

    A man was in a terrible accident, and his
    "manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

    The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

    The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
    doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

    A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
    'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

    "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
    'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

    My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

    Members Only

  • View author's info Posted on Mar 14, 2006 at 07:48 PM

    During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners to the class asked each student, one by one -

    "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" His reply was, "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied that would be rude and impolite.

    "What about you, John. How would you say it?" John replied, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

    "And you, Peter. Are you able to use you r intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" Peter answered, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 09, 2006 at 08:02 AM

    sex for beginners ...
    insert erected Manhood ...
    retract ....

    (repeat if necessary )
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 08, 2006 at 09:25 PM

    Kathy was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. ?Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do??

    ?Just stay in bed with me. He?s probably so drunk; he isn?t going to notice you here with me.? The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Kathy, so he trusted her advice.
    Sure enough, Kathy?s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

    ?Honey!? he yelled. ?What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!?

    ?Dear, you?re so drunk, you can?t count. If you don?t believe me, count them again.?

    The husband got out of bed, and counted. ?One, two, three, and four? By gosh, you?re right, dear!?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 08, 2006 at 06:14 PM

    Friday morning over coffe and newspaper ..
    WIFE ... leans back casual, gaze with bedroomeyes at her husbond
    : Baby... she sigh?s deeply and seductively...... baby... she play?s with her buttons in her nightgown... do you think we should be a little naughty this weekende.... no kid?s no plans... so please ... baby can we ...? he lower he?s paper , drink?s he?s coffe get?s up ...grab he?s briefcase , he?s key?s and as he opens the door he replaye?s : What a grate idear .... see you on Monday then .....:
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 07, 2006 at 08:21 PM

    Getting A Cake

    Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

    Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

    Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

    Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
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