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Do you love funny jokes?
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Posted on Tue, Mar 21, 2006 09:51

The Internet is like a penis...

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it ...hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit ...information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some ...people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but ...most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it ...will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people ...take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. ...Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing ...with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it ...too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think ...coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual ...size and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big ...trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your ...intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask ...yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. ...They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. ...They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think ...it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. ...Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some ...people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to ...do.



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Posted on Tue, Mar 21, 2006 09:48

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"



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Posted on Tue, Mar 21, 2006 09:46

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 15:20

He didn't like the casserole
And He didn't like my cake.
Her biscuits were too hard...
not like his mother used to make.

She didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
She didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

She pondered for an answer
She was looking for a clue.
Then she turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do!



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 13:32

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
says."Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 13:30

After the tourist from Tennessee had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 13:15

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 11:43

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.



When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.



Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 10:46

Here's four jokes that were sent to me in an email.

TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES OF 2005

Number 4

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."


Number 3

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number 2

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Number 1

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 09:17

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! B***s*** and brilliance only come with age and experience!



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 09:15

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.

Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin'
an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,

"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even"



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 09:03

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster?one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: ?I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!?

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: ?Henry,? he said, ?I?m counting on you to do your stuff.? And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn?t stop there.

Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, ?Stop, Henry!! You?ll kill yourself!!?

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, ?Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you?ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.?

?Shhhhhhh,? Henry whispered, ?The buzzard?s getting closer.?



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 09:00

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 08:59

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 08:57

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".



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Posted on Mon, Mar 20, 2006 08:54

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"



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Posted on Sun, Mar 19, 2006 08:37

weelassy1 write:
Hey grounds keeper Willie...or should I call you a JIZZMOPPER...LOL IN Gaelic Tongue (Slang)...No need to respond or explian yourself as talk is cheap me Lad. There is more important things then to hear your TYPO...ROBBIE...LOL


What an eclectic taste in movies you there lassy. But it was a sexy, steamy, romantic chick flick I must say. Do you have the DVD? ;o)

och nan och! a shiorraidh! pug m'hone gu siorraidhbrath meallach olc pu obaireachd lethasal !!! :o) Probably mangled that but old Willie's got a slur. Good to see you! Hope your day is going well.

Back up in the hills where I am from, we weren't prosperous enough for a town drunk, so we just took turns.

Things are getting a little better though. Lots of cars are driving through, and we been saving up our money. We don't have a traffic light yet, but we do have the colors picked out.

It is a nice little town though, you don't even have to use turn signals as most everyone knows where you are going anyway.

We thought one time we had aliens invading us. Seems Johnny's field was growing up in circular patterns. After we talked to him though, we realized he went cheap and had bought a used circus horse.

Lots of new businesses have been moving there, and we think it is very prosperous. Next year they might add a yellow page to the back of phone book.



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Posted on Sat, Mar 18, 2006 22:25

robtest write:
Altruisticman write:
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,?'Honey, my hands are freezing!? She says, ?Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.?

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, ?Man! My hands are really freezing!? She says again, ?Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.? He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, ?Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.? She looks at him and says, ?For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold??



ROFLMAO...

I guess even compassionate women have their limits of Altruistism !!! :o)

Hey grounds keeper Willie...or should I call you a JIZZMOPPER...LOL IN Gaelic Tongue (Slang)...No need to respond or explian yourself as talk is cheap me Lad. There is more important things then to hear your TYPO...ROBBIE...LOL

  


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Posted on Sat, Mar 18, 2006 09:22

Altruisticman write:
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,?'Honey, my hands are freezing!? She says, ?Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.?

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, ?Man! My hands are really freezing!? She says again, ?Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.? He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, ?Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.? She looks at him and says, ?For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold??



ROFLMAO...

I guess even compassionate women have their limits of Altruistism !!! :o)



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Posted on Fri, Mar 17, 2006 08:47

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."


Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."


Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."


Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"


Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."


Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."


Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."


Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter."


Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"


Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"


Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."


Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."


Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"


Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."


Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."


Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."



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