Do you love funny jokes? Humor

  • View author's info Author posted on Mar 07, 2006 at 01:03


    I love them. Let's share the funny ones here.
  • 192Comments

  • View author's info posted on Dec 30, 2015 at 16:21


    There were these two friends walking down the street named Shutup and Trouble. Somehow they get separated and Trouble gets lost so Shutup went to a cop for help. So the cop asks "whats your name?" He replies "Shutup!" Again the cop asks "whats your name?" Again he replies "Shutup!" Cop asks "are you looking for trouble?" Shutup replies "ya you seen him?"

  • View author's info posted on Aug 15, 2013 at 13:13


    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

    "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

    "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

    "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

    "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

    "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

    "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

    "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

    "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

    "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

    "Tripod?"

    "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

    With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

  • View author's info posted on Aug 03, 2013 at 13:51


    THAT WAS FUNNY!!
  • View author's info posted on Apr 28, 2012 at 19:21


    What are cows?

    They are outstanding in their field!!

    Simple cute and kid friendly!!
  • View author's info posted on Jul 06, 2011 at 01:20


    Oh my goodness on a boring night I decided to kill my curiosity on this site, and here I am laughing my butt off. Thanks for the jokes, you made my night.
  • View author's info posted on Jul 06, 2010 at 03:09


    Code Word


    There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

    Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

    This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

    The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

    The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

    Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

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  • View author's info posted on Jul 06, 2010 at 02:57


    Delirious


    Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt? You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

    Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

    When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.

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  • View author's info posted on Jul 06, 2010 at 02:53


    Costume..


    A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

    She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
    party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
    argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
    bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
    going. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
    pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

    In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
    thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
    how he acted when she was not with him.

    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
    around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
    could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
    herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
    to the new stuff that had just arrived.

    She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
    husband.

    Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
    agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
    bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
    went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
    what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
    of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
    never have a good time when you're not there."

    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
    got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
    went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not
    going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
    to......."

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  • View author's info posted on Jul 06, 2010 at 02:49


    Priest and the Nun


    A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

    The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

    Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

    Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

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  • View author's info posted on Jul 06, 2010 at 02:46


    A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

    Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes it is."
    Boy- "I have a baseball."
    Man- "That's nice."
    Boy- "Want to buy it?"
    Man- "No, thanks."
    Boy- "My dad's outside."
    Man- "OK, how much?"
    Boy- "$250."

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

    Boy- "Dark in here."
    Man- "Yes, it is."
    Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
    Boy- "$750."
    Man- "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

    The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

    The son says "$1,000."

    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

    That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

    They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
  • View author's info posted on Jul 06, 2010 at 02:33


    Testicle Therapy

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
    horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
    playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men.

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
    fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
    agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
    began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
    Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
    allow me, she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
    man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
    still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
    loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several
    long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
    He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

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  • View author's info posted on May 14, 2010 at 12:01


    I like funny jokes. If they are really funny

  • View author's info posted on Feb 17, 2010 at 17:42


    lmao!!!
  • View author's info posted on Oct 11, 2009 at 14:04


    thanks for the laughs!

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  • View author's info posted on Sep 13, 2009 at 13:09


    Here's a little anecdote that happened a few years ago that I will always remember:

    We just finished a regatta and there was another girl onboard who's emphasis was rather the size of people's wallets than the sailing. She put up with everything gritting her teeth and breaking her finger nails when the going got tough but to her it was all for a good cause.

    Stu, (Bless him, a wonderful friend of mine and owner of the boat with the most wicked sense of humor, who sadly passed away a couple of years ago) sensed that sailing was not her prime passion, rather the ambiance and 'wealth' around it, so he asked her over a beer:

    Would you sleep with me for a million bucks?

    Her: Sure!

    Stu: What about 1/2 million?

    Her: Sure, why not!

    Stu: 100,000?

    Her: Why not?

    Stu: What about 10,000?

    Her: I guess so!

    Stu: 1000?

    Her: (Slight hesitation) I have to think about it!

    Stu: Ok, here's a 100!

    Her: What do you think I am?

    Stu: We've already established that, we're just haggling about the price!

    Her face was priceless, wished I had a camera!

  • View author's info posted on Sep 03, 2009 at 00:17


    Jim is sitting at his desk at work really wanting some time off work but, has no time available. He suddenly gets a bright idea, if they think Ive gone crazy they will have to give me time off! He jumps up and hangs upside down from the ceiling fan. The blonde sitting at her desk asks Jim what hes doing, he replies with "Im pretending Im a light bulb so they think Im crazy and send me home". Jims boss walks in .. "OMG Jim! What are you doing"? Jim replies "Im a light bulb". Sure enouph it works, Jim is sent home, as he is walking out the door the blonde begins to follow when their boss asks her where she thinks shes going she says "Well, I cant work here in the dark"!
  • View author's info posted on Oct 25, 2008 at 11:43


    She was standing in the kitchen
    Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
    Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
    As I walked in almost awake,
    She turned and said softly,
    'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
    My eyes lit up and I thought,
    'I am either still dreaming or
    This is going to be my lucky day.'
    Not wanting to lose the moment,
    I embraced her and then gave it my all;
    Right there on the kitchen table.
    Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove,
    her 'T'shirt still around her neck.
    A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

    She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
  • View author's info posted on Aug 15, 2008 at 17:22


    I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

    She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me ? ? Stay! Stay!'

    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, 'Why don't you just put it in park?'
  • View author's info posted on Aug 15, 2008 at 05:39


    A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

    After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

    He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

    'So, where were you all these years?'

    'In prison,' he says.

    'Why did they put you in prison?'

    He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

    'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
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