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Posted on Mon, Jul 31, 2006 10:16

Calmness in our lives

By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now! Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!



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Posted on Fri, Jul 28, 2006 15:07

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"


HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"


WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"


HUSBAND: "Of course I do."


WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"


HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."


WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)


HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)


WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"


HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."


WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"


HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"


WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"


HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"


WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"


HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."


WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"


HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."


WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"


HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"


WIFE: -- silence --


HUSBAND: "shit."



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Posted on Fri, Jul 28, 2006 04:20

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering
about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the
intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!
I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the
ground close by, he immediately
settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap
the old poodle exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard
halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That was close!
That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle
sees him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey
soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal
for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back
and see what's going to happen
to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the
leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am
I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers, pretending
he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent
him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of the story...
Don't mess with old farts...age and and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill!



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Posted on Thu, Jul 27, 2006 16:58

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young, beautiful, sexy wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?"

Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"



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Posted on Thu, Jul 27, 2006 16:56

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"



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Posted on Thu, Jul 27, 2006 16:55

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder?
All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Posted on Sun, Jul 23, 2006 18:08

This is for all you girls 40 years and over....and for those who are turning 40,
And for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's..
And for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

Andy Rooney says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"What are you thinking?"
She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
Around whining about it.She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
What she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her
Or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified.They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the
Middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course,if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you,
If they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
Because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 Couldn't care less if you're attracted
To her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
They always know. A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two,
A woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a
Bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say,"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update
For you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.



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Posted on Fri, Jul 21, 2006 17:58

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"

"X*#dammit!," screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"

"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"

"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"



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Posted on Wed, Jul 19, 2006 22:14

GOOD:

Harrisville, RI... Policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Mapleville, RI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As Rhode Island State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RI State Troopers Ball.
"He replied, "Rhode Island State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.



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Posted on Wed, Jul 19, 2006 22:07

A woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where?", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly, and said, "Your stance is too wide."



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Posted on Sun, Jul 09, 2006 15:06

LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM


NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________


1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?



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Posted on Wed, Jul 05, 2006 20:35

What do you call 2 skunks doing the 69?

Odor Eaters!!!

(I thought it was cute)



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Posted on Wed, Jul 05, 2006 15:21

California -156 years ago!
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.



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Posted on Mon, Jun 26, 2006 11:48

Snuffy- "whats the best form of birth control after 50?... Nudity"


Boz- "I make a fortune on nudity... they pay me to put my clothes back on"!

"I won the *Age Before Beauty* Pageant"!



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Posted on Sun, Jun 25, 2006 00:06

IN A RECENT SCIENTIFIC STUDY, THE RESULTS FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T."

EXAMPLES OF THOSE DAYS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:

5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?


NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?

ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?

ABOUT 45 MINUTES



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Posted on Thu, Jun 22, 2006 12:18

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



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Posted on Wed, Jun 21, 2006 18:18

Married 37 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 37 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 57 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19 year old, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....



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Posted on Fri, Jun 16, 2006 14:38

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM, AND THEN SAYS HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."
NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?".

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER



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Posted on Fri, Jun 16, 2006 14:32

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonnell's for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s......

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2006
Un ranchero vende una carretera de maderapara $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?



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Posted on Sun, Jun 11, 2006 14:57

A wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children, I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor little thing practically devoured them."

"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you , I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste." "I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to th e door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?



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