A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says,
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
With the high price of gas, a station in Tennessee was trying to make the high cost of gas worth the cost so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close; the number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm thinking 'bout taking Earlene with me."
A blonde is visiting Washington, D.C. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.
?Excuse me, officer,? the blonde says, ?How do I get to the capitol building??
The officer says, ?Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.?
The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, ?Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting??
The blonde says, ?Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!?
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so they can breed their own stock.
They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ?When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.?
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, ?I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.?
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, ?It's just 99 cents a word.?
After paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ?I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.' ?
The operator shakes his head. ?How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'??
The brunette explains, ?My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!?
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, ?What the heck is going on here??
?My car broke down,? says the lady, calmly.
?Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?? asks the cop.
And she said... (scroll down)
?Those are my emergency flashers!? she replied.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,"I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one,naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her, he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around,
looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I scr*w anybody, any
time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back
door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked, with clothes
on, dirty, clean ... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever
since I got out of college ... I just flat-as*s love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too!
What firm are you with?"
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower upstairs. He realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife at the bathroom window, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What??????"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What???!!!!?!" The man repeats his gestures....... "EYE KNEE... THE RAKE!"
The wife nods that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is NO WAY in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the hell was THAT?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."
A koala is sitting up a gumtree
smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past?
and looks up and says
"HeyKoala !? what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to
get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain
forest finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and
he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach,
I don't know and I don't care."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walking.)
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton ." (This one is clever.)
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now! Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!