An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered up a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, Missy....... .... I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs ........... so I guess I am a cowboy."
The young woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping their coffee in silence. A little while later, a man walked up and sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well Sir, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... the United States Marines ... you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. H e goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He's nothin but a liar..... He never did any of that stuff. "
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00 AM . Wake up."
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time
His new bride said, "That's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older now and wiser. I'm looking for a girl with big breasts
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's
flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than
met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just
to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote:
"DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE
FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which
"DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and anvil. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem -- how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender "listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something". The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out.
The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: "listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself'.
So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: "Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I want to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want".
The duck considers his offer for a moment and says "so you're a circus owner, right?"
"And your circus is one of those big tents, right?"
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank?
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time"
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."
Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman "
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank "
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
I got this nephew I think a lot of and he works for the Shell Oil Company.
A couple of years ago they moved him down to South America an' I ain't seen him since. But he still thinks about me an' ma.
Every Christmas he sends us a nice present.
This last Christmas he sent us a LIVE bird. A real pretty green bird, about this tall...had a little yellow top notch with some red in it and a hooked beak.
He sent it to us live from South America.
I'll tell you what.......that bird was delicious..........yes sir. We had him for Christmas dinner. We fixed him up with some dressin, some cranberry sauce an sweet tater scuffle.
Well, a few days after Christmas my nephew called. Wanna 't know if we got the bird.
I said,"Yes sir, we got him."
Wanna 't know how we liked him.
I said, "He was delicious."
He said, "You don't mean to say you ate that bird!"
I said,"Of course we did."
My nephew got all upset an just pitched a fit.
He said,"I paid a fortune for that bird!"
He said, "That thing's worth a fortune!"
He said,"That bird could speak three different languages!"
I said,"Well, I sure do wish he'd a said sumpthin'..........."
Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all softies at heart, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn her very own deposit at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those ass*holes ever deliver the fuc*king sheet rock..."