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Posted on Wed, Jul 16, 2008 17:16

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used t o sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered.........
'OUR TEETH.'



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Posted on Thu, Jul 10, 2008 18:00

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they had not yet been to prison........



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Posted on Fri, Jul 04, 2008 19:46

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I cant be bothered to walk all that way.'

'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing?

Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I cant find a No. 91'

'Oh, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout !



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Posted on Wed, Jun 11, 2008 09:44

Advice column written by a man:

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady . I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. .. Lisa


Dear Lisa

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter



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Posted on Sun, Apr 27, 2008 18:59

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.



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Posted on Tue, Mar 04, 2008 12:47

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in THE OFFICE but Aren't:

10) I need to whip it out by 5.
9) Mind if I use your laptop?
8) Just stick it in my box.
7) If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6) I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5) HMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4) My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3) It's an entry-level position.
2) When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but
isn't:

1) It's not fair...I do all the work while she just sits
there!!


Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in ENGINEERING but Aren't:

10) Did your order enough 2 inch nipples?
9) Shaft alignment is critical.
8) How'd your penetration test turn out?
7) Did you have an unplanned release?
6) Did your reliefs blow at the right pressure?
5) There was a crack in the girth?
4) We're gonna pump it 'til it fractures, then fill it full of propellant.
3) We circulated fluid on the backside.
2) POOH - Pulled Out Of Hole!

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in engineering but
isn't:

1) Are you getting enough head?


The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in LAW but Aren't:

10) Have you looked through her briefs?
9) He is one hard judge!
8) Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7) His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6) Is it a penal offense?
5) Better leave the handcuffs on.
4) For $200 an hour, she better be good!!
3) Can you get him to drop his suit?
2) The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1) Think you can get me off...?!


Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in GOLF but Aren't:

10) Nuts... my shaft is bent.
9) After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8) You really whacked the hell out of that sucker!
7) Look at the size of his putter!
6) Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5) Mind if I join your threesome?
4) Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3) My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2) Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be
desired.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1) Hold up...I need to wash my balls first!



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Posted on Tue, Feb 26, 2008 00:37

Quoting applelove:

I love them. Let's share the funny ones here.

yes



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Posted on Thu, Jan 17, 2008 16:36

When I was born God gave me two choices....

(1).... I could either have a great memory....

OR

(2).... Be great in bed !!! ........

Damn ! ! ! ...

Now I forgot what I waz gonna say!!!



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Posted on Wed, Jan 16, 2008 19:09

The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitiation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the Marine Corps.



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Posted on Thu, Dec 20, 2007 16:29

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



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Posted on Mon, Oct 29, 2007 12:58

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic ..

And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ... And as the Priest sprinkled Holy Water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now and forever you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a pop bottle full of water he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now and forever you's a catfish!"



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Posted on Mon, Oct 29, 2007 12:56

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds.....
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.



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Posted on Wed, Oct 24, 2007 15:38

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy.

You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

You go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school; you play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally?..You finish off as an orgasm.



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Posted on Tue, Aug 28, 2007 15:59

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!"



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Posted on Sun, Aug 26, 2007 13:51

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!" A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."



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Posted on Sun, Aug 19, 2007 13:28

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and talked a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom.... you still awake?"



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Posted on Sat, Jul 07, 2007 10:18

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY,I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40 ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMMMMM OR COULD HE??? AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGANPARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED,BALD, FAT, GREY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-B** ** ASKED................

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?



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Posted on Mon, Jun 25, 2007 13:03

A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas and he sees a sign in front of a restaurant.. .....

Happy Hour Special..

Lobster Tail and Beer

"I'll be damned," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"



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Posted on Fri, Jun 15, 2007 21:31

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.

'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.

The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over here and you're putting?'

'Don't worry dear', says the husband calmly.
'They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.'

'Well how long will it take for him to get here', she asks feebly?

'No time at all', says her husband, practicing his putting stroke. 'Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!'



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Posted on Sat, May 26, 2007 08:10

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed. "



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