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  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 01:24 PM

    A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

    So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"

    "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

    The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

    So, off they went to the bedroom.

    That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.

    "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

    "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

    Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

    So, off they went to the bedroom again.

    That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.

    After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"

    To which the new bride replies,
    "Warming up your supper!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 01:19 PM

    Men are Like...

    they only show up when there's food on the table.

    they usually run at the first sign of emotion. helmets
    they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

    ...government bonds

    they take so long to mature.

    you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

    ...lava lamps

    fun to look at it but not all that bright. accounts
    without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

    ...high heels

    they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

    ...curling irons
    they're always hot and always in your hair. skirts
    if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.


    keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 01:18 PM

    What kind of sex do you have??

    Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
    "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
    "Social Security sex?"
    "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

    A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
    "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

    "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

    Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

    A man was in a terrible accident, and his
    "manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

    The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

    The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
    doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

    A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
    'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

    "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
    'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

    My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

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  • View author's info Posted on Mar 09, 2006 at 08:02 AM

    sex for beginners ...
    insert erected Manhood ...
    retract ....

    (repeat if necessary )
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 08, 2006 at 09:25 PM

    Kathy was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. ?Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do??

    ?Just stay in bed with me. He?s probably so drunk; he isn?t going to notice you here with me.? The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Kathy, so he trusted her advice.
    Sure enough, Kathy?s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

    ?Honey!? he yelled. ?What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!?

    ?Dear, you?re so drunk, you can?t count. If you don?t believe me, count them again.?

    The husband got out of bed, and counted. ?One, two, three, and four? By gosh, you?re right, dear!?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 08, 2006 at 06:14 PM

    Friday morning over coffe and newspaper ..
    WIFE ... leans back casual, gaze with bedroomeyes at her husbond
    : Baby... she sigh?s deeply and seductively...... baby... she play?s with her buttons in her nightgown... do you think we should be a little naughty this weekende.... no kid?s no plans... so please ... baby can we ...? he lower he?s paper , drink?s he?s coffe get?s up ...grab he?s briefcase , he?s key?s and as he opens the door he replaye?s : What a grate idear .... see you on Monday then .....:
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 07, 2006 at 08:21 PM

    Getting A Cake

    Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

    Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

    Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

    Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
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