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  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:23 PM

    A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

    They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it?s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

    She turns to him?they kiss?then they rip each other?s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, ?Well, how?d I do??

    The woman says,
    ?You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:21 PM

    Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

    Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

    Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

    That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

    The next morning he reported to his father.

    Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

    Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

    Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $h*t."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:16 PM

    The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

    He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

    The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:15 PM

    This one is courtesy of BRUCE BRUCE on BET Comicview

    A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop askes for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

    The cop askes for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

    When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information.

    The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order.

    Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

    At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told him. The guy says

    "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:10 PM

    At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

    These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

    Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

    The professor thought it over and then she agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

    They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

    On the second page was written:
    (For 95 points): Which tire?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:07 PM

    A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

    The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

    The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

    Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

    The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

    The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

    The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

    Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

    The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

    The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

    "Where did you learn that?"

    The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:05 PM

    A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

    After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

    "Where the heck have you been?!"

    "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

    "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

    She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You Filthy Liar!! You went bowling again!!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:03 PM

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

    The boy turns, and whispers back,

    "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 02:01 PM

    Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter
    just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote:

    "Dear Mother,

    I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

    Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

    "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 01:47 PM

    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

    ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

    ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

    ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

    ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

    ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 01:41 PM

    Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer

    company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to

    determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to

    take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the

    test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The

    manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your

    interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''

    "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions

    correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision

    not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said

    the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect

    answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

    ''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put

    down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 01:39 PM

    A family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 22, 2006 at 01:35 PM

    A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

    When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.

    When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

    He replied, "The first born was a girl."

    "Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

    "Denise," answered her brother.

    The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

    "Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

    "Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

    Replied the brother,

  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 10:08 AM

    A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says,

    "Mother, if this could give milk,
    we could get rid of the cow."

    His hand then travels down to
    her crotch, and he says,

    "Mother, if this could give eggs,
    we could get rid of the chickens."

    His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis.

    "Father, if this could stay hard,
    we could get rid of your brother.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 10:03 AM

    A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

    One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

    The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

    The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

    A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

    The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 10:03 AM

    How everyone has sex from A-Z

    ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

    ACTORS do it on cue.

    ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

    AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

    ANSI does it in the standard way

    ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

    ARCHITECTS have great plans.

    ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

    ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

    ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

    ATTORNEYS make better motions.

    AUDITORS like to examine figures.

    BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

    BAILIFFS always come to order.

    BAKERS knead it daily.

    BAND MEMBERS play all night.

    BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

    BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

    BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

    BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

    BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

    BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

    BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

    BEER DRINKERS get more head.

    BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

    BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

    BOSSES delegate the task to others.

    BOWLERS have bigger balls.

    BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

    BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

    BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

    BUTCHERS have better meat.

    C'Bers do it on the air.

    CAMPERS do it in a tent.

    CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

    CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

    CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

    CHEMISTS like to experiment.

    CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

    CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

    CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

    CLOWNS do it for laughs.

    COACHES whistle while they work.

    COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

    COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

    COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

    COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

    CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

    CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

    COPS have bigger guns.

    COWBOYS handle anything horny.

    COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

    CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

    CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

    DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

    DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

    DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

    DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

    DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

    DETECTIVES do it under cover.

    DIETICIANS eat better.

    DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

    DIVERS do it deeper.

    DOCTORS do it with patience.

    DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

    DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

    DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

    ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

    ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

    EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

    FARMERS spread it around.

    FIREMEN are always in heat.

    FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

    FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

    FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

    FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

    GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

    GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

    GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

    GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

    GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

    GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

    HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

    HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

    HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

    HANDYMEN like good screws.

    HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

    HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

    HUNTERS do it with a bang.

    INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

    INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

    INVENTORS find a way.

    JANITORS clean up afterwards.

    JEWELERS mount real gems.

    JOGGERS do it on the run.

    LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

    LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

    LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

    LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

    LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

    MACHINISTS make the best screws.

    MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

    MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

    MANAGERS supervise others.

    MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

    MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

    MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

    MINERS sink deeper shafts.

    MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

    MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

    MODELS do it in any position.

    MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

    MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

    MOVIE STARS do it on film.

    MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

    NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

    NURSES call the shots.

    OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

    OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

    OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

    PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

    PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

    PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

    PILOTS keep it up longer.

    PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

    POLICEMEN like big busts.

    POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

    POSTMEN come slower.

    PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

    PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

    PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

    PROFESSORS do it by the book.

    RACERS like to come in first.

    RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

    RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

    REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

    RECYCLERS use it again.

    REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

    REPORTERS do it daily.

    RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

    RETAILERS move their merchandise.

    ROOFERS do it on top.

    RUNNERS get into more pants.

    SAILORS like to be blown.

    SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

    SCIENTISTS discovered it.

    SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

    SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

    SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

    SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

    SPELUNKERS do it underground.

    SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

    STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

    STUDENTS use their heads.

    SURGEONS are smooth operators.

    TAILORS make it fit.

    TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

    TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

    TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

    TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

    TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

    TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

    TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

    TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

    VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

    VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

    WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

    WATER SKIERS come down harder.

    WELDERS have hotter rods.

    WRESTLERS know the best holds.

    WRITERS have novel ways.

    ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 09:51 AM

    The Internet is like a penis...

    * It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it ...hard to get any real work done.

    * In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit ...information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some ...people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but ...most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

    * It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it ...will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

    * It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people ...take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. ...Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing ...with until it's too late.

    * If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

    * It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it ...too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think ...coherently.

    * We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual ...size and influence warrant.

    * If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big ...trouble.

    * It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your ...intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask ...yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

    * Some folks have it, some don't.

    * Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. ...They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. ...They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

    * Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. ...Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

    * Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some ...people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 09:48 AM

    One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

    On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

    Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

    "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

    "Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

    She slides her hands further down and gasps.
    "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

    "Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

    Finally, the couple begin to make love.
    After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

    Her husband, panting a little, asks,
    "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

    "No", the bride replies.
    "Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 21, 2006 at 09:46 AM

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

    Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 03:20 PM

    He didn't like the casserole
    And He didn't like my cake.
    Her biscuits were too hard...
    not like his mother used to make.

    She didn't perk the coffee right
    He didn't like the stew,
    She didn't mend his socks
    The way his mother used to do.

    She pondered for an answer
    She was looking for a clue.
    Then she turned around and smacked him...

    Like his Mother used to do!
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