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Posted on Wed, May 10, 2006 01:08

A wedding reception is in full swing and everyone gets very drunk. Unfortunately, the bride and groom's families have a storming row and begin fighting and wrecking the reception room. The police are called and the following week, all the family members appear in court.
They are still hurling insults until the judge shouts 'Silence in court!' Hush descends and the best man stands up.
'I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened,' he says, 'It's a family tradition that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. But, after I'd finished the first dance, the music kept playing, So I continued dancing with her for the second and then the third song.
'All of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick on the bum!'
Shocked, the judge exclaims: 'My goodness! that really mush have hurt!'
Hurt?! the best man replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!!.'

  


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Posted on Tue, May 09, 2006 19:00

For the ladies:

Eve is in the garden of eden and she's bored. God comes down and says, "Eve, I'm going to create a spouse for you. He'll be bigger, and stronger, and have more hair. He'll be far slower than you, won't be able to multitask as well, and he'll need your help in dressing and knowing what to think." Eve responds, "That doesn't sound too bad, is there anything else?" "Well, yes Eve," God replies, "you'll have to let him think he was created first. But don't worry, that'll be our little secret...you know, woman to woman."



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Posted on Tue, May 09, 2006 18:58

For the Guys:

Adam is in the garden of eden and he's bored. God comes down and says "Adam, I'm going to create for you a mate. She'll be beautiful, intelligent, kind, compassionate, funny, helpful, a great cook and a great friend. She'll laugh at your jokes and greet you with a smile every night after your hard day's work." Adam says, "Wow, God, that sounds great but what'll it cost me?" God says, "Well Adam, a mate this fantastic will cost an arm and a leg." Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"



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Posted on Sat, Apr 22, 2006 22:40

A COWSMIC VIEW OF WORLD ORGANIZATION

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.
EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.
EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.
FINNISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.

  


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Posted on Sat, Apr 22, 2006 13:05

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



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Posted on Wed, Apr 19, 2006 01:30

Dear white, something you got to know

when I was born, I was black.

When I grow up, I am black.

When I??m under the sun, I??m black.

When I??m cold, I??m black.

When I??m afraid, I??m black.

When I??m sick, I??m black.

When I die, I??m still black.

You---white people,

when you were born, you were pink.

When you grow up, you become white.

You??re red under the sun.

You??re blue when you??re cold.

You are yellow when you??re afraid.

You??re green when you??re sick.

You??re gray when you die.

And you, call me ??color???



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Posted on Mon, Apr 17, 2006 13:55

preciouz write:
Question.....:What do men and police cars have in common?

Answer.....: They both make alot of noise to let you know they are coming.


LMAO, its funny cause its true



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 02:04

After several years of holding newspapers at arm's lenght to read them....my friend finally spent ?280 on a lovely pair of varifocals specs.

wearing them for the first time, he needed to go to the loo. Minutes later he came out with a broad smile on his face.......

That was money well spent,' he beamed. 'My willy looks extra large now.'



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 01:59

A man strolling around a fairground comes across a fortune-teller's tent. Although sceptical, he decides to enter.
'Mmm, i can see two things, the fortune-teller says, gazing into her crystal ball.

'First, i can see you're the father of one child. and second, that the question you're so keen to ask your wife this afternoon will cause a massive row.

What a load of nonsense!' the man snorts. 'I have no question for my wife. And to prove you are a complete fake, I'm actually the father of two children!"

The woman smiles......
'Ahhh, that's what you think..lol.



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 01:51

An elderly couple are in church and the lady says: I've just done a silent fart. What shall i do?

Her hubby replies : 'Get new batteries for your hearing aid!!'



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 01:49

Question.....:What do men and police cars have in common?

Answer.....: They both make alot of noise to let you know they are coming.



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 01:47

Question.....: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

Answer.....: A cherry float.



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 01:46

Question.....: What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?

Answer......: An elephant's foreskin.



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 01:42

Qestion....: what's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

Answer.......: The hooker stops screwing you when you are dead.



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Posted on Mon, Apr 03, 2006 01:40

Question.....: Why did God create woman?

Answer........: He took one look at man and said: 'I know I can do better than this.'



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Posted on Fri, Mar 31, 2006 15:17

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him she's staying home.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

Her boss asks, "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my a** coming into work today."



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Posted on Fri, Mar 31, 2006 15:13

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She! asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."



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Posted on Fri, Mar 31, 2006 15:11

a man named Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took
a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll
him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."



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Posted on Fri, Mar 31, 2006 15:08

Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, who was half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and, according to her Grandma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet, Thibodeaux, since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro.

Thibodeaux didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Dad would fan a cow that was having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down and make her struggles easier. So, Thibodeaux told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a towel over them while they were having sex. This, Thibodeaux said, would cause the young wife to climax.

Thus, the couple hired a young man from the big city of Baton Rouge to wave a towel over them as Thibodeaux suggested. After many efforts, still no climax.

They went back to Thibodeaux. This time Thibodeaux said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the towel.

They tried it that night, and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other.

When it was over, Boudreaux smugly looked down at the young man and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now THAT's how ya wave da towel!"



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Posted on Sat, Mar 25, 2006 06:42

Altruisticman write:
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

oh funny