marriage Long Term Relationship

  • View author's info Posted on May 23, 2005 at 03:36 AM



    NYCHICK write:
    no signs?? looking back now can u see any red flags that went unnoticed-- generally there are some

    nychick..that not always correct. someone who abuses has a tendancy to be a camelion..hard to see their true color or who they are.they also have a tendancy to believe their way of treating a woman is way it is supposed to be....caveman.my ex was just as charming as steve or ssweendoggy(when he displayed it) UNTIL after we married..then the abuse started.granted there are some who arent good at hiding this side of themselves. it's like a pedifile..meeting one u would never think or see this side of them. i know women cops & attorneys who married abusers..was no signs & the man came off as prince charming thru out the dating period.mine..was the prince charming...also most abuse dont take place unless it's drug or alcohol induced.
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 11:06 PM


    sorry Real, I have not had time to read the rest of your life on the thread. BUt it is lovely to know that you have found yourself and your vocation helping others in similar plight. YOU would be a great asset to them and a role model too I bet.
    Good for you and like CP say, I hope you will find the one man who will appreciate the hard life you have been thru and the beautiful woman you are now.
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 10:47 PM


    Here's to you Real (me raising my glass) for your honesty and straight forwardness. With all you've been through it sounds like you found out who you are and what you want. Good luck on your new path!
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 10:23 PM


    no signs?? looking back now can u see any red flags that went unnoticed-- generally there are some
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 02:44 PM


    Bonnie as i said i had been abused all my life..as a kid & into marriages..i seen my parents battles & thought that was way it was. i chose men who didnt come across as abusers..but domineering. what i was saying, is 10 yrs ago i broke that pattern,and have never looked or felt better in my life. the question here was bout marriage..yes, i want the married life, i love being married.only with the right man!
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 02:33 PM



    Bonnie88 write:
    Real,
    Have you thought that maybe you have been going for the wrong sort of guy or attracting the wrong type who seem to take advantage of you? Perhaps it is time to change your image, your taste for the sort of men you seem to fall for or attract? Try a different scene and meet a different category of men? Give yourself a complete makeover or change?
    Our needs and our taste change thru age and now that u have been thru the angst of your mistakes perhaps you need to re-examine what u truly need in a man? Consult your friends or family members and ask for their honest opinion about your choice in men and trust them to give you a good check and look-over before you get serious with a man..if you can't trust your own choice maybe an impartial judge who has your interest at heart is a better guide for you..it is like going for expert advice...if in doubt..

    bonnie..no i sure dont think i need a make over or need to change men. i have been single almost 10 yrs divorced 9. that was when i changed my life for the better. like i said...i worked in battered shelters for women & in battered children's shelters. apparently u didnt get what i was saying in my post. my life is wonderful! i dont have to have a man in my life..but i want one & wont settle for less than the best, romantic, compassionate, loyal, honest. i know what type of man i want in my life & i have recently started dating, it's actually fun..cuz i am in charge of my life, not a man!
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 10:34 AM


    Real,
    Have you thought that maybe you have been going for the wrong sort of guy or attracting the wrong type who seem to take advantage of you? Perhaps it is time to change your image, your taste for the sort of men you seem to fall for or attract? Try a different scene and meet a different category of men? Give yourself a complete makeover or change?
    Our needs and our taste change thru age and now that u have been thru the angst of your mistakes perhaps you need to re-examine what u truly need in a man? Consult your friends or family members and ask for their honest opinion about your choice in men and trust them to give you a good check and look-over before you get serious with a man..if you can't trust your own choice maybe an impartial judge who has your interest at heart is a better guide for you..it is like going for expert advice...if in doubt..
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 06:00 AM


    i had done the living together thing..for me i find that it dont work...to easy to throw up ur hands & walk away without trying to work thru the issues.with marriage..i went with my husband five yrs before i married him. so it goes to show..we dont always know whom we're marrying. lol as far as marriage..i dont know anyone who likes going thru divorce so they usually try to work thru issues & avoid divorce court.
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 04:49 AM



    champagnepowder write:
    Real, I am curious how you could love being married but not love the person you were married to??

    Bonnie, I am definitely walking in your shoes ;-) If you don't like the whole marriage thing then don't jump into it just for the supposed security it provides. If more than half of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce then where is the security? Why does marriage make you feel more secure than being in a committed relationship that hasn't gone through the ceremony that society says you should partake in? I just don't see the need for marriage. If you both agree then great and I may get married some day to the right woman but I don't think you should do it because you think your relationship is going to be so much more committed and secure once you make your vows.


    I'm definitely pro-marriage and I think it does provide a kind of commitment and security that you don't get when you are just living with someone.
    However I see your points CP and Bonnie.
    Marriage is not a guarantee either that everything's going to be perfect.
    And yes CP I agree that two people should get married because they both feel that way and really want to and not because it's something they SHOULD do for society's sake.
  • View author's info Posted on May 22, 2005 at 01:54 AM


    Having read your story REAL, I often advocate co-habitation for a while , that way u would b able to suss out the dark side of his life and the quirky habits that could get on your nerve after a while..co-habitation makes it easy to end without dire consequences ,the bloody paperwork and of course the possible economic consequences if you are the main financier in the marriage...
    Love is often blind and I see too many women fall for that trap..even very smart ones to realise too late that they are trapped in a loveless union and have become dependent on it for survival since many have given up their careers and jobs and are left to fend for themselves with little financial support...and some badly abused mentally and physically..losing all self-esteem.
    women desperately need lessons in being independent both emotionally and economically before they surrender themselves to the misconceived idea that he will be your saviour .. and he is your escape ..even femme fatales have to learn that after they find their catch they need to work harder to keep their men if they want to make that their career..so girls, marriage is not a meal ticket nor a guarantee to a secure life..only you are your own secure ticket to your own destination and happiness...make sure you have a return ticket whatever you do...
  • View author's info Posted on May 21, 2005 at 08:29 PM



    champagnepowder write:
    Hey real, I am sorry to hear that and thanks for being honest! I am glad you had the ability to get out of that relationship though and hopefully you will find something much better in the future. You're right some are the marrying kind. I lean more towards the committed relationship kind. If marriage comes of that then great but I wouldn't be heart-broken if it didn't.
    Good luck to you

    thxs..abuse is never acceptable in any form..i had it all my life. i always wondered what god's plans were for me, then i found out..i love working with elderly, battered kids & also in a battered women's shelter. it's a good feeling to share my past with them & for them to see, it took me yrs to understand i never deserved the abuse & that i have been out of it almost 10 yrs now. as far as my ex..god took him at the age of 48, just 10 months after i divorced him.i am strong & have alot of love to give the right man.
  • View author's info Posted on May 21, 2005 at 07:57 PM


    Hey real, I am sorry to hear that and thanks for being honest! I am glad you had the ability to get out of that relationship though and hopefully you will find something much better in the future. You're right some are the marrying kind. I lean more towards the committed relationship kind. If marriage comes of that then great but I wouldn't be heart-broken if it didn't.
    Good luck to you
  • View author's info Posted on May 21, 2005 at 07:50 PM



    champagnepowder write:
    Real, I am curious how you could love being married but not love the person you were married to??



    well...because after 2 weeks of being married the physical & mental abuse started...then his hiding spots on where he hid his big bottles of vodka got easier to find...was no signs what so ever of an abuser before we married. he was a soft spoken & kind man. so that is where the didnt like came in, didnt say i didnt love him..cuz i did & would still be married to him,if he hadnt beat on me.there are some people who are meant to be married & some who arent..i am the marrying kind.
  • View author's info Posted on May 21, 2005 at 01:06 PM



    NYCHICK write:
    oh please i get married because i like to dress up



    ...LOL... I agree with u... Y didn't u put this thread under Romance?
  • View author's info Posted on May 21, 2005 at 10:03 AM


    Real, I am curious how you could love being married but not love the person you were married to??

    Bonnie, I am definitely walking in your shoes ;-) If you don't like the whole marriage thing then don't jump into it just for the supposed security it provides. If more than half of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce then where is the security? Why does marriage make you feel more secure than being in a committed relationship that hasn't gone through the ceremony that society says you should partake in? I just don't see the need for marriage. If you both agree then great and I may get married some day to the right woman but I don't think you should do it because you think your relationship is going to be so much more committed and secure once you make your vows.
  • View author's info Posted on May 20, 2005 at 10:30 AM



    garbinocat1 write:
    I dont like the whole marriage thing but i like the security espesically as i think of getting old
    _________________________________--

    It is a fallacy to think that marriage is 'security'..whether it be financial or emotional...
    I have known and met so many women who are led down the aisle on that misconceived lie they learn as a naive little girl waiting for that to come true...'and they live happily after' only happens in 1 out of 3 marriages today...so the truth be known there are at least 2 disillusioned Cinderellas out of every 3 thinking Prince Charming is going to save their life from mundane existence...and the real married cinderellas today still have to scrub floors, cook and mind babies..despite marrying Prince Charming...and you can't do all that tittering along in glass slippers...
  • View author's info Posted on May 20, 2005 at 10:10 AM


    I loved being married, just didnt like what i married. As i have aged i see the things i chose then in a partner as something i would choose to stay away from in the next & last man in my life. i need the bond, the growing together, the intimacy, romance & honesty that i can only have with one man...the one i will share my love & life with~my best friend'... now where is he? lol
  • View author's info Posted on May 11, 2005 at 10:50 PM


    Six and Champagne,
    YOu both share my belief too hence I did not have A WEDDING PARTY AT ALL..our friends gave us a surprise party..and we did not land up with umpteenth sets of 'HIS and HERS' towel sets, etc..
    The pomp and ceremony is just a ritual that is traditional and historical..the marking of an event in one's life which hopefully will be memorable and recorded..but does not necessarily register the true love and emotions that is between the couple...
    Whether we wish to conform to social norms or rituals is up to the individual ..whether it is a ritual to show respect and acknowledgement to please our parents is also a thought..my parents never quite forgive us for not including them in the party..they felt betrayed, deprived and excluded..I guess now as a parent , I know and realise what pain i must caused them..
    Love probably has to be shown in ceremony for many..an enactment and public announcement of a very private act..I have in my own rebellious way defy that act and lived up to the expectation of an unblemished marriage..my parents have long forgiven us..the memories of a 20 year marriage is now remembered in my two beautiful bi-racial kids..grandchildren have a magical way of endorsing forgiveness..
  • View author's info Posted on May 11, 2005 at 09:11 PM


    Damn, you caught me. Site stalker, maybe I should make that my new handle??

    I understand your feeling of losing your identity and how a child changed your view on marriage. For me, it's not that I don't believe in it. I think I just feel differently about it than most of society. I don't view it as a necessity to confirm my total commitment to someone. It's a symbolic ceremony that has lost its lustre over the years. I guess the fact that I am not religious (more spiritual than anything) probably has an affect on that. Not to mention the fact I was raised Catholic and have seen the hypocrisy close up. Anyway, I believe it's the relationship and the bond that are special. A ceremony may be good to share all those feelings with those that are close to you but sometimes I think it is just a big commercial event that has lost the true meaning and value.
  • View author's info Posted on May 10, 2005 at 11:09 PM


    Hey Champagne ,
    Have you been stalking me on this site? lol ..you site-stalker..lol
    What zodiac sign are you? I think I could guess..
    I am of the view that marriage is really a private contract between two persons, why should the entire clan and world be involved..after all if it fails , am I going to have a divorce party? It is only a piece of paper that confirms the contractual relationship which really is about the heart and trust..it took me years to get used to being called Mrs..I refuse to 'belong' to someone and be labelled someone's wife ..or girlfriend..that sense of possessive interest encroaches on my need to feel free and be my own person and have my own identity..my phobia stamps from my fear of losing my identity..We grow up identifying with the institutions of learning and work which we have worked so hard for..but the institution of marriage is so nebulous and overwhelming..but motherhood changed it all for me I guess..a baby is visible and completely your own genetic imput and has part of your own identity..and a true confirmation of that intimate relationship..it endorsed for me my future and hope..so you might just find that person oneday to confirm that belief in marriage..
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