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Can you make it work the second time around?
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Posted on Thu, Feb 10, 2005 11:10

Hiya!!

what makes you stop to go into that direction? Eventough you are in a difficult relationship, that does not mean to follow what is in your heart and have fun. Go find a local theater company and enjoy yourself. Stop wondering and start acting hun. At least at the end of your life, when you look back, you can say I have tried! From the bottom of my heart I hope you will take control of your situation and you! You can not control anyone's actions but your own. yoursense of selfconfidence will only imporve if you start doing the right thing and start fighting what is not right in your life! do it! It's worth it it you ARe worth it Bless!



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Posted on Sun, Feb 06, 2005 20:56

Hi. Another thought. I wonder if I would've done something sooner with my acting and singing career if I hadn't been in this marriage for so long. I feel rebellious and know that I need to get moving in that direction to ever be truly happy. I am glad to be on here and making friendships that are positive and uplifting. I think that my husband has all 15 of those points previously mentioned. At least I know that I have much support, even if it's the listening ear. Moblog, thanks for the online "rose".

  


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Posted on Sat, Feb 05, 2005 10:30

Any time Larken.....I'm here and willing to help. Can only share advise and my experience but I find that often helps others.

You can do it. Leave and enjoy life for you and your child.

Hang in there, as you see alot of us have been in that boat.......and know how to disembark! :D
IB

  


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Posted on Fri, Feb 04, 2005 15:41

Thanks everyone for such wonderful advice. I haven't been able to check the responses lately, and was met with this wonderful surprise and outpouring of friendship. It's crazy when there are nice things that happen, and then he can have that blind rage that is so scary. I know that I need to go. Getting taxes back soon, and will be saving a portion of it back for some starting money, and I will make sure, that is what it is for. I tried again, and I know I did what I could do. He says he loves me, but I don't think that possessiveness of his kind is true love. I am so thankful for support to know that it will be ok for me to move on. IB, I will send you mail soon.
Thanks again,
Heidi.



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Posted on Thu, Feb 03, 2005 04:45

Larken,
the only way I know to say this is....RUN!!!!!!
I don't care about finances or health issues, but if nothing changes....nothing changes!


I have been through a simiilar thing, about 7 years ago, left, deeply in debt, all bills were in my name, basically homeless, stuff-less (was being held hostage), and travelled over 1/2 way across the country to come back home, by myself. (I could really go on and on here about the next few years challenges but I'll save the gorey details on that)
Point is quickly got divorced, and had to start over by myself and 3 years later had my own business and was much happier and found out why I would have picked someone like that and how to avoid it in the future.
5 years later, bought my own house, drving a new car and supporting myself and my son. Not easy but do-able. 7 years later, repaired emotionally, and stronger in myself I'm ready to find someone worthwhile for me........and if that doesn't happen, it's ok.
I've dated in the last 7 years, one guy for 3 years, but again I could see this time there would be alot of problems and wasn't going there again. We only lasted that long because we each had our own place and if I didn't like what was going on I could leave!

Please email me if you'd like, and keep posting here. All these ladies sound like they have been there too.

The short of it is.....it's not worth staying, will make you physically sicker, emotionally a nervous wreck, and he's just not worth all that from you. You have to take care of you!

Ask me or I'm sure any of us how to, where to go for support, what to do in any situation, and I'm sure any of us will be there to give advise. But you have to do it for you! Your worth more than he's giving and need to show your child this isn't good enough and there is a better way to live. Even if you are alone, it's better than living like that. Your stronger than you know.
Sorry this got tooooooo long, but you just brought back so much to mind, I just had to share.
Take care of yourself and please email me anytime.
IB

  


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Posted on Tue, Feb 01, 2005 10:24

I agree with Tulip....you need to seek counseling and so does he, but separately. Do it before you start any new relationship too. Otherwise, the chances are high that you would enter another similiar situation....just a different man. You need to get yourself out of that situation. Love or no love, verbal abusers are as bad as physical ones.

My Ex was controlling and somewhat verbally abusive too. It took our marriage counselor to straight out tell me that he would never change and I needed to decide if that's how I was going to live the rest of my life. That's what it took for me to finally say GET OUT. Despite his pleas that he would change.

The greatest part is that I have been so much MORE HAPPY since he left. Finances aside, I have four kids so I know it's hard, but you can't figure that into the consideration. Many women feel powerless when they are in a position of dependence. You need to stand on your own feet. Sure, you may struggle a little at first, but never take your eye off the prize: YOUR FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE. The fact that you will be happier is the best part of all! Get STRONG!

  


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Posted on Tue, Feb 01, 2005 06:15

My story is too complicated and would take up too much space to write about it. Suffice it to say that after 3 yrs of separation, I still don't feel any closer to being ready to to start over with any man. There are court orders in place that keeps him from seeing his daughter(I hate saying "his daughter) The court orders were made by a judge during the child support hearing. I consulted with an attorney about filing for divorce, and she told me that a new judge could change those orders if they want(so he could visit her) I can't afford an attorney to make sure the orders aren't changed, so I live my life as 'separated' until I can figure out how to make the 'no visitation' permanent. We will never get back together, and I never want him near me and my daughter again. I've spent these past 3 yrs healing, but the way I feel right now, I really don't see me ever getting into another serious relationship. I'm truly happy on my own. Much more than I can say for when I was still with him.



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Posted on Sat, Jan 29, 2005 10:09

Yes you make sense. I forget who said it, but I've read it somewhere..."the definition of insantiy is repeating the same behavioiur over and over expecting different results..." That is the pattern the two of you are in. I would urge you both to seek counseling to break the patterns. That is if you both truly seek to salvage things. As far as courage to break it off? That comes in due time by continuing status quo.

All the best to you.

~Ostara



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Posted on Fri, Jan 28, 2005 20:44

It's me again.
I've been back for two weeks and things haven't changed much from before. I have gone back to playing my role of trying to please, only I've told my husband, that I want to start back the intimate relationship on my terms.
The major problem with that though, is when I do feel like I could let down my guard, and try to get close with some snuggling and light kissing...he takes the extra mile if you know what I mean. He goes straight for gold. Then, if I tell him I'm not ready for that yet, he will brood, and pout around the house, and nit pick on things that aren't being done and such...and more. Then I feel like backing off even more, until the next time I might let my guard down a little. It's a back and forth roller coaster. This time the control is more subtle, and I know that in my head. So what will give me the courage to walk away for good???
By the way he says things like "I just feel like this is right to give it another chance." and..."I know I shouldn't push things, but you just get me so excited, I can't help it." Things like that, and to be honest it makes me feel obligated, and creepy...
Make sense???



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Posted on Wed, Jan 26, 2005 02:42

Thanks Ladies for your comments on this. My husband is very controlling and verbally abusive. He is is the "Honeymoon" stage now, where he is over doing it, trying to get me back. If it weren't for finances, I don't think I would've returned now. I still feel lonely inside of this place, and feel like there is or should be something more out there for me. I know that I have to think of my physical and mental health first, to even be there the way I need to be for my son. Camryn, I know you feel the same way. By the way, since I've been back here, my lupus is worse. Everyday, I am having more trouble than ever with pain. Thanks again, I needed to hear all your words.
Wish you both continued health and happiness as well.
Heidi.



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Posted on Tue, Jan 25, 2005 14:18

I've responded, but in email. I wish you well!

~Ostara



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