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What about children scares men?
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Posted on Tue, Feb 15, 2005 16:48

I've been really frustrated with dating since my divorce. I was married for 13 years to a Dr. who I adored with all my heart and soul. From the moment I met him I loved him - that grew into a beautiful life together including a family. Now that we're not together (at his choosing) - I'm left trying to start over in many ways. I find myself particularly frustrated as I've been told too many times "you'd be perfect if you didn't have kids". It is somewhat insulting and hurtful. I obviously don't want to be with anyone who is so closed minded, but at the same time - I want to be viewed for who I am...men constantly want young, beautiful, athletic, intelligent women - who can dress for a ball game or the symphony and pull it off flawlessly. I do all that plus some...but it seems that me having kids is the killer to every relationship I've attempted. I tend to love people unconditionally - as I'm a firm believer in the theory that "you can't choose who you fall in love with". When and if I fall in love again - it won't matter to me what he comes with - we'd just figure it out. After loosing out on the love of my life - I know how rare true love is now...I'll do whatever it takes to make things work - I'll figure it out somehow. I just wish that I could find someone who saw me in the same light. Kids really aren't that scary - especially mine - they are a bunch of goofballs like me - who love everyone they meet. They are so much fun - it's a shame they are viewed so negatively by men. I'd really appreciate male input - I'm truly just trying to understand how and why men think the way they do.



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Posted on Sat, Mar 12, 2005 08:38

Joemama, that was funny! But the worse part is, it's that it's true! I've seen it myself several times, especially in the US (just an observation here everybody, backed up by proof from very good friends of mine, I don't mean any offense to anyone). But on the other hand, I've seen are also a lot of women (like MOI) that will work at their couple and that means hitting the gym, taking care of themselves, staying healthy and pretty and sexy... all for the love of their man. So again, it's basically of question of the person being honest right from the beginning... as usual... AND, don't think that you men are getting off that easy... the same happens on the men's side too... ;) I've seen that TOO!! hehehe

  


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Posted on Thu, Mar 03, 2005 21:52

I have often been told by men that the fact that I have a daughter is a big plus in their books. She's 19 and beautiful!



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Posted on Thu, Mar 03, 2005 14:08

joeMama
I don't know what laws you know of that make a step father responsible finacially for children that are not his at the time of divorce, but in my state children are issued one mother and one father at birth. Both are equally responsible for their children. When I came into this marriage each of us brought children. Our children having grown up with eachother have known eachother 11 years, which means I have known his that long as well as he has known mine that long. You can't pay my son to be on his best behavior, his attention span is just not that long.They have a father and a very good one thankyou. He pays his childsupport on time every time has never skipped a payment again thankyou very much. He has also never once called at the last minute to say he won't be seeing his children this time... there is never that sorry something came up. My stepson could not be more loved if he was my own. And I really like his mother imagine that. At 5'2 and just at 100lbs I don't think I have anything that even appears to be a saddlebag, and at 42, I doubt I ever will. My huby has though put on the tiniest of tummies. I guess it shows but I did take offense at your story. Meant to be funny or not, it stories like that that give mothers with children a bad name. And women in general. Now to add more fuel to the fact that my family is out of the ordinary. often we go places together, all of us meaning my husband and myself, our children, and both of our ex spouses. Holy cow we all get along and actually enjoy eachothers company. We should be put to death for ruining the family unit. Thank God my children have parents that are so emotionally secure and understand the importance of everyone that makes up our family, maybe just maybe they will continue to grow into the stable loving people that they are now. Just my 2 cents worth.



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Posted on Thu, Mar 03, 2005 11:59

JoeMama ...

I read your prose and I must say that after all the negative mud-slinging,, yours was so refreshingly funny and articulate. Thank you for that brief respite ... lol!!!!!!

  


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Posted on Thu, Mar 03, 2005 10:47

Babeet, your right I dont think any of us would hope that a relationship ends but if it does its the kids that it hurts especially cause theres a tendancy to become attached to them. I woiuld hope to never have to go through that.



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Posted on Wed, Mar 02, 2005 16:33

I made my proud contribution to the gene pool.She is now grown and will make me a proud granny one day.The two most serious relationships I've had and the reason we didn't get married,was that both had two little girls{wonder what Freud would say}I helped both raise the girls but in the end just couldn't go through with a marriage.I was in Grad school during one..and the other was not divorced long enough.The point is,breaking up with the men was horrible but leaving those little girls behind broke my heart. I'll wear my helmet when I read the replies to this part.Over the years,yes age does change perspective,I have noticed that it seems more difficult for men to raise another mans child than the reverse.Having said that,I personally know some of the most stupendous stepfathers.The most loving,giving wonderful men in the world to me.So,before the men gather to attack,I am not speaking of all men.Only some men.I don't believe it's because they hate children either.I simply think it's because,who knows the reason,they can't deal with raising another mans child.Thats all.I don't pretend to know the feelings behind it.It's just something I have witnessed,with my own eyes,over the years.

  


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Posted on Tue, Mar 01, 2005 22:57

Children - Don't want to have any. Don't need to have any. If I had a biological clock, then I must have forgotten to wind it because it never went off. And I don't miss having kids of my own. Don't get me wrong. I love kids - Just not necessarily in my own house. My bags are always packed and ready to jet somewhere at a moments notice. This is the life I have chosen. No regrets for not having had children. NYC, here I come!

  


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Posted on Tue, Mar 01, 2005 21:29

JoeMamma...I agree with 1hotmamma...choose who you hang out with better, cause everyone I know ... male & female, work out at the gym, cycle, ski, etc. They're all active in sports of some kind and keep fit. Guess what? They are all happily married too! Well some are singles.



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Posted on Tue, Mar 01, 2005 19:44

Im not afraid of kids, matter of fact I have two of my own. My oldest lives with me i just dont want anymore.



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Posted on Mon, Feb 28, 2005 22:59

joemama.....that's depressing dude! BTW, not all we mothers are like that!! :-) No saddlebags here and definitely MORE sex drive after marriage......can't help it, I am a horny chick ;-)

  


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Posted on Mon, Feb 28, 2005 22:58

joemama.....that's depressing dude! BTW, not all we mothers are like that!! :-) No saddlebags here and definitely MORE sex drive after marriage......can't help



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Posted on Mon, Feb 28, 2005 22:20

Mas.....still love ya baby!!

  


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Posted on Mon, Feb 28, 2005 09:19

JoeMamma, Couldn't have written it any better. What you wrote is just one variation of similar instances. Power to those who take care of and rely on themselves and still remain young at heart.



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Posted on Tue, Feb 22, 2005 09:07

1hotmama: Sorry about the mixed signals - mtuom asked a question and I merely pointed out some of the 'pitfalls" a single man might view a woman with children as having.

Personally (and if you read my profile you'll see I state I have children) I have never had a problem dating women with children.
But I understand a man (or woman) may have trepidation dating someone who has children.



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Posted on Tue, Feb 22, 2005 05:28

Dear lovely lady
from San Diego,
I guess, it is simple for you in a way to find a good man, who would love you unconditionally : kids just ?filter? them for you much quicker then you could possibly do it yourself.



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Posted on Tue, Feb 22, 2005 01:05

Hang in there.....there are men that love women with kids...I seem to keep finding them and I too have 4 kids. Just like BBD said....Love me, Love my kids. If they don't, then they lose out. Your kids are such a HUGE part of your life, that any man just has to accept that in order to be a part of your life too. I don't accept any less and neither should you. Keep trying.

Mas, your post was kind of mixed....wasn't sure if you were saying a positive or a negative!



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Posted on Tue, Feb 22, 2005 00:33

OneBigBoss...I can appreciate that a man w/ or w/o children might be scared off due to "inheriting the prospect of supporting them" particularly if their financial situation is already tight. BUT that's not the case for every woman with children. Many Mother's are capable of supporting their own kids, and/or the Father's are also helping to support their kids. So it's not necessary or expected that a new man would have to undertake any financial responsibility for the woman's kids.
I?d be more leary about the person who pits their children against the other parent in a vicious tug of war.

How well a male/female handles an older child who throws out the line ?Your not my Dad/Mother, you can?t tell me what to do!? is important. Inevitably, most teens will yell that when angry with the rules imposed on them. This might scare someone off more than the support issue! lol
It is all part of the responsibility. But hey, if one loves kids, one won?t care and will ride the tough times of kids/teen?s unreasonableness out!



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Posted on Tue, Feb 22, 2005 00:32

I??m disappointed if I read a great profile, then I notice he doesn??t have children. I like to think optimistically that his kids & my kids would like each other and get along, and ??the more the merrier!?? But if he claims to love kids I wouldn??t nix him totally! ??

Different things are important to each one of us. Some it??s finances, others just don??t want kids?K



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Posted on Tue, Feb 22, 2005 00:30

No one I've dated gave a second thought to whether or not I had kids. They also had children. From my perspective & I believe theirs, if anything had transpired from these relationships "the more the merrier"! :-) Just think how much livelier & fun family get togethers would be!
MasRogue is right on...It's about being with someone who wants to share in everything that comes with kids...and it does take time, effort, love, knowledge, patience.

I am close with both my kids, but I have an incredibly close relationship with my daughter, which is quickly evident to people we just meet. That quality in myself that enables me to relate not only to my kids, but to all of their friends...I look for in someone I may meet. If they don't have it, I?m not interested.