What about children scares men? Romance Forward to friends

  • View author's info Author Posted on Feb 15, 2005 at 04:48 PM

    I've been really frustrated with dating since my divorce. I was married for 13 years to a Dr. who I adored with all my heart and soul. From the moment I met him I loved him - that grew into a beautiful life together including a family. Now that we're not together (at his choosing) - I'm left trying to start over in many ways. I find myself particularly frustrated as I've been told too many times "you'd be perfect if you didn't have kids". It is somewhat insulting and hurtful. I obviously don't want to be with anyone who is so closed minded, but at the same time - I want to be viewed for who I am...men constantly want young, beautiful, athletic, intelligent women - who can dress for a ball game or the symphony and pull it off flawlessly. I do all that plus some...but it seems that me having kids is the killer to every relationship I've attempted. I tend to love people unconditionally - as I'm a firm believer in the theory that "you can't choose who you fall in love with". When and if I fall in love again - it won't matter to me what he comes with - we'd just figure it out. After loosing out on the love of my life - I know how rare true love is now...I'll do whatever it takes to make things work - I'll figure it out somehow. I just wish that I could find someone who saw me in the same light. Kids really aren't that scary - especially mine - they are a bunch of goofballs like me - who love everyone they meet. They are so much fun - it's a shame they are viewed so negatively by men. I'd really appreciate male input - I'm truly just trying to understand how and why men think the way they do.
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  • View author's info Posted on Mar 12, 2005 at 08:38 AM

    Joemama, that was funny! But the worse part is, it's that it's true! I've seen it myself several times, especially in the US (just an observation here everybody, backed up by proof from very good friends of mine, I don't mean any offense to anyone). But on the other hand, I've seen are also a lot of women (like MOI) that will work at their couple and that means hitting the gym, taking care of themselves, staying healthy and pretty and sexy... all for the love of their man. So again, it's basically of question of the person being honest right from the beginning... as usual... AND, don't think that you men are getting off that easy... the same happens on the men's side too... ;) I've seen that TOO!! hehehe
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 03, 2005 at 09:52 PM

    I have often been told by men that the fact that I have a daughter is a big plus in their books. She's 19 and beautiful!
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 03, 2005 at 11:59 AM

    JoeMama ...

    I read your prose and I must say that after all the negative mud-slinging,, yours was so refreshingly funny and articulate. Thank you for that brief respite ... lol!!!!!!
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 03, 2005 at 10:47 AM

    Babeet, your right I dont think any of us would hope that a relationship ends but if it does its the kids that it hurts especially cause theres a tendancy to become attached to them. I woiuld hope to never have to go through that.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 02, 2005 at 04:33 PM

    I made my proud contribution to the gene pool.She is now grown and will make me a proud granny one day.The two most serious relationships I've had and the reason we didn't get married,was that both had two little girls{wonder what Freud would say}I helped both raise the girls but in the end just couldn't go through with a marriage.I was in Grad school during one..and the other was not divorced long enough.The point is,breaking up with the men was horrible but leaving those little girls behind broke my heart. I'll wear my helmet when I read the replies to this part.Over the years,yes age does change perspective,I have noticed that it seems more difficult for men to raise another mans child than the reverse.Having said that,I personally know some of the most stupendous stepfathers.The most loving,giving wonderful men in the world to me.So,before the men gather to attack,I am not speaking of all men.Only some men.I don't believe it's because they hate children either.I simply think it's because,who knows the reason,they can't deal with raising another mans child.Thats all.I don't pretend to know the feelings behind it.It's just something I have witnessed,with my own eyes,over the years.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 01, 2005 at 10:57 PM

    Children - Don't want to have any. Don't need to have any. If I had a biological clock, then I must have forgotten to wind it because it never went off. And I don't miss having kids of my own. Don't get me wrong. I love kids - Just not necessarily in my own house. My bags are always packed and ready to jet somewhere at a moments notice. This is the life I have chosen. No regrets for not having had children. NYC, here I come!
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 01, 2005 at 09:29 PM

    JoeMamma...I agree with 1hotmamma...choose who you hang out with better, cause everyone I know ... male & female, work out at the gym, cycle, ski, etc. They're all active in sports of some kind and keep fit. Guess what? They are all happily married too! Well some are singles.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 01, 2005 at 07:44 PM

    Im not afraid of kids, matter of fact I have two of my own. My oldest lives with me i just dont want anymore.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 28, 2005 at 09:19 AM

    JoeMamma, Couldn't have written it any better. What you wrote is just one variation of similar instances. Power to those who take care of and rely on themselves and still remain young at heart.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 22, 2005 at 09:07 AM

    1hotmama: Sorry about the mixed signals - mtuom asked a question and I merely pointed out some of the 'pitfalls" a single man might view a woman with children as having.

    Personally (and if you read my profile you'll see I state I have children) I have never had a problem dating women with children.
    But I understand a man (or woman) may have trepidation dating someone who has children.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 22, 2005 at 05:28 AM

    Dear lovely lady
    from San Diego,
    I guess, it is simple for you in a way to find a good man, who would love you unconditionally : kids just ?filter? them for you much quicker then you could possibly do it yourself.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 22, 2005 at 12:33 AM

    OneBigBoss...I can appreciate that a man w/ or w/o children might be scared off due to "inheriting the prospect of supporting them" particularly if their financial situation is already tight. BUT that's not the case for every woman with children. Many Mother's are capable of supporting their own kids, and/or the Father's are also helping to support their kids. So it's not necessary or expected that a new man would have to undertake any financial responsibility for the woman's kids.
    I?d be more leary about the person who pits their children against the other parent in a vicious tug of war.

    How well a male/female handles an older child who throws out the line ?Your not my Dad/Mother, you can?t tell me what to do!? is important. Inevitably, most teens will yell that when angry with the rules imposed on them. This might scare someone off more than the support issue! lol
    It is all part of the responsibility. But hey, if one loves kids, one won?t care and will ride the tough times of kids/teen?s unreasonableness out!
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 22, 2005 at 12:32 AM

    I??m disappointed if I read a great profile, then I notice he doesn??t have children. I like to think optimistically that his kids & my kids would like each other and get along, and ??the more the merrier!?? But if he claims to love kids I wouldn??t nix him totally! ??

    Different things are important to each one of us. Some it??s finances, others just don??t want kids?K
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 22, 2005 at 12:30 AM

    No one I've dated gave a second thought to whether or not I had kids. They also had children. From my perspective & I believe theirs, if anything had transpired from these relationships "the more the merrier"! :-) Just think how much livelier & fun family get togethers would be!
    MasRogue is right on...It's about being with someone who wants to share in everything that comes with kids...and it does take time, effort, love, knowledge, patience.

    I am close with both my kids, but I have an incredibly close relationship with my daughter, which is quickly evident to people we just meet. That quality in myself that enables me to relate not only to my kids, but to all of their friends...I look for in someone I may meet. If they don't have it, I?m not interested.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 21, 2005 at 07:13 AM

    I would be scared of a man who had four children in tow, even if he was a part-time Dad.

    It must be very daunting for a man (particularly if he has no children of his own) to take on a woman with more than two children.

    One ex-b/f of mine had two children, a girl of 17 and a boy of 15. The girl was no problem, but the boy, oh dear me! I tried all sorts to win him round but nothing worked. It is very difficult simply because you are not just trying to build a relationship with one person but with a whole family.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 21, 2005 at 07:13 AM

    Doesn't scare me one bit. As a matter of fact, I have finally gained full custody of my 2 children. My ex had an affair with her boss, which I finally figured out, so I kicked her out of my home. She tried to take my kids away from me permanently so I fought my heart out. I won the fight but I still let them be with their mother every other week for a few days. My kids need their mommy as much as their daddy.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 21, 2005 at 04:06 AM

    That was a very nice post for "we" women with children. You are very mature and intelligent. Usually guys don't think about what kind of Daddy they will be until their wife/gf gets pregnant or with some until the baby is born. You will make some women in TX very happy and your children will be very lucky to have a Daddy like you.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 18, 2005 at 04:43 AM

    I love dating men that have children....not bratty ones, of course, but men that make their children their first priority in life. A man that adores his children is a trait I find sexy, sincere, and compassionate. I have had a couple long term relationships in which the man I cared about had no children of his own. In time, he would actually look forward to the weeks I had my kids. It made my heart melt to watch that bond grow....then again my heart broke when we broke up. After six years of being broken up with a man that I had a relationship with, he still calls them and sends them a birthday present every year. I think just because a man doesn't have kids doesn't make him selfsih. They just don't know what they are missing until they have them. If they don't, then they have made a life choice which they may be happy with or regret in time.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 17, 2005 at 01:08 PM

    I know you asked for men's opinions on this subject, but even us women who are also moms, have our viewpoints too. Before my daughter was born, I could never imagine having kids for some reason. Maybe like Mas said, I'd 'hear' them screaming in the department stores or restaurants, and I'd think to myself, "How can a mother love that?" Or like the song by Kenny Rogers where he sings, "the closest thing to heaven is a child." (some days you could swear it's the closest thing to hell LOL) Anyway, I just couldn't understand. Once I had my daughter, I realized the greatest love I will ever feel for another human being. BUT.....raising a child/children is the HARDEST job on the planet. There's tremendous responsibility involved and total committment on the parent's part to raise them till they're grown. That includes total sacrifice, putting them before yourself. Let's face it, truthfully your life is not your own again until they are grown and have moved out. And from what I'm hearing from others who's kids are already grown, even then you're not finished. You'll always worry about them, no matter how old they get to be. I love my daughter more than life, and she means everything to me. But I will not sugar coat it by saying it's 'all good' all the time. And knowing how hard it is to raise even just one, I don't think I would want to meet a man who already has kids and is raising them too. That thought is too scary to even think about.
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