Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important, when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no-one is listening until you pass gas.
Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember a damned thing.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, then we get a smack on our behind. From there on in, life gets worse.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.