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  • View author's info Author Posted on Feb 23, 2005 at 10:06 AM

    Alberto...have had some experience with being female in a small town and running into the "old boy network"even though I've known these lawyers and judges since we were kids.I have an opinion and if you are interested drop me a line.I'm not in the mood to start something by inadvertantly insulting someone.....write and I'll tell you what I experienced....
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  • View author's info Posted on Feb 24, 2005 at 08:35 PM

    Yes Sharpe 1 we are looking at it from 2 different sides of the coin. I still think from the info Alberto did have, he left and is playing her and her feelings, trying to give her the slight hope of geting back together.

    But yes Alberto more info on the marriage situation is needed and the guy. Is he controlling? Is she scared of him in any way? But then forgives him all the time? That would help. But still get her butt to a lawyer!
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 23, 2005 at 10:34 PM

    I don't know, Alberto, something about that story just doesn't ring true. But I'm not an expert on this stuff. I was separated a long time before divorcing (you have to find them to serve them with papers!!) and finally had to selttle for half what I wanted in support because here in CA, as a community property state, if I hadn't taken the offer, one - it would have meant a jury trial, and two -- I would have had to take half his debt and he's not fiscally smart.

    I can never understand a man who won't support his own child, that 's just wrong and why CA has court enforced child support. We attach everything they've got to make them pay.

    But I do wish your friend a solution...I too would advise legal assistance, definitely good advice!
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 23, 2005 at 10:24 PM

    Hi intelligentblonde...after reading your post I could see how we can interpret things differently, probably based on our own experiences. I was assuming she may have left assume he left unknown factor.
    Reality is we can't pinpoint it down to either one of our could be any number, because each one of us thinks and behaves differently.
    Alberto will just have to play it by ear. If she's crazy about him, she'll divorce her husband. What if he's a control freak and she's afraid of him? We don't know enough about her or her husband to assess this...would you agree?
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 23, 2005 at 05:22 PM

    Last month I got a big $56 from my son's father, whoo whoo! And just paid for my son's new glasses this week for $215.....that went far eh?
    Try heating bills in Canada! LOL
    Already spent $500 in Oct and Nov!

    But she must help herself first, for her and her daughter. Even if it means going to a shelter to learn how to start over by yourself and get the self esteem back to not allow him to continue this game.
    She's probably entitled to alot more, but only a lawyer and judge would know for sure. In the meantime, it may mean she has to live with relatives, find a bigger place and have a boarder, or get a better job. Or borrow it off a friend, but I don't recommend that, because it can lead to being unable to pay back, then resentments etc.

    When you can't count on the father for anything, just have to suck it up and do it yourself!
    I've done it and so have alot of other ladies, on here and in life in general.
    After all the best revenge is living well when they aren't!
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 23, 2005 at 05:13 PM

    Alberto, this is not uncommon as it sounds. First he is playing her, the old come here go away game, and she's falling for it. That's why the trip together to visit relatives......had to look good for them......but once back home it's go bad to your hovel, while I party on, sleep around....whatever. He is keeping the hope in her alive, that he will come back permanently.......which he won't just wants her to think that.
    Second, tell her to be a detective and get the numbers of bank accounts, tax /social incurance numbers of his, and copy of his last income tax statement (if she can). Then get the butt to a lawyer. Every country has some sort of legal aid, or lawyers doing pro bono work. Contact a women's shelter, for information and support.
    And yes men pay as little as that......they even when there is a court order know how to play the system. And if she doesn't have a court order, he can give her nothing if he wants.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 23, 2005 at 11:39 AM

    Part 2 -- As for the trip to North America...A couple of years after I had separated from my ex, I went to Dominican Republic with him & our 2 teens. We had 2 rms...he stayed with our son, myself with our daughter. We had breakfast & dinner as a family. The rest of the time we didn't see each other. I had no desires whatsoever to have sex with him. I was in a new relationship at the was hard for the guy to understand we could do this and not have sex. I explained it & in my mind it was clear, so should be in his. Last Fall I dated a fellow who did similar to what I did and told me. I was now in the other position, and what I matter how innocent it all was, hearing it didn't make me feel very good about it. In future, I would never do it again. I had to walk in the guy's shoes (whom I was with) before I could understand how I made him feel. This lady probably doesn't see it, and won't till she experiences it for herself on the otherside.
    Make sense? Don't judge her, talk to her about it.
  • View author's info Posted on Feb 23, 2005 at 11:35 AM

    Part 1 -- Alberto...sometimes people just leave...with no legal separation & no divorce. If this lady took a trip with her husband (referred to as 'ex') ... I'd say she is on amicable terms with him, which is good for the kids. It doesn't mean she wants to remain married to him or have sex with him ever again. If things are amicable, 7 yrs can pass easily. Maybe he still wants & hopes they'll reconcile. Maybe he is putting it all in her lap to go forward with a legal separation or divorce. If so, she may just be avoiding a confrontation that would arise once pursuing a divorce. It then seems easier to just let things go on as they are. But if she meets someone who she falls in love with...she will then pursue a divorce so she can be free to 'marry' that man if that is in the cards.
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