Many disorders feed off of the lifeblood and emotions of others.
If you continue to feed a predator it will get stronger.
If you continue to feed a disorder the person with the disorder will learn nothing and you will be encouraging them to continue. You can encourage them to get help without becoming one of their food sources.
Its "tough love", but unless you want to be a martyr, "tough love" is the only way to keep from being consumed.
for someone who knows so much about BPD and knows so many shrinks, they would frown upon you if they thought you had made comments like you did on locking BPD sufferers up and throwing away the keys as thats a mockery of all that hard work shrinks do.
One rule for you eh and another for those who are not in the same advantaged life you have eh!
And if you know so many shrinks then they must be rubish for it to take you 2 years to get sorted out so either they were bad at their job or you were a difficult case.
and bob, i do know plenty about BPD i assure you ;-)
and we differ in our opinions on how we should treat human beings and i dont believe in judging others when your in no position to do so as you also suffered that illness and made those around you suffer also.
To not have compassion is an unattractive quality in any person.
Teresa, Do not try to tell me of my "mistakes" with my sister. I have lived with her drama for many years and I take it very seriously. You seem to be yet another person who chooses to believe that one should expend all their compassion and energy to ride on this one person's rollercoaster of a life. Everyone makes a choice. If you choose to share the ride with them, that by no means makes you a better person than the one who does not. As you can see by many posters, they do try to be compassionate with people afflicted with this disorder. It does not cure the problem. It often feeds the cycle. People with this horrid disorder are masters of manipulation. I've seen it. I've lived it. Do not dare judge me because I choose not to ride the rollercoaster because she refuses to help herself. How long would you live with a man who abused you or associate with an alcoholic? The cycle is very similar.
At some point, we all have to be the master of our own lives. How many of these women in your statistics are choosing not to take medication, which by the way is a chemical imbalance, not event driven, to correct the problem? Many choose not to because it "inhibits" them? THEM being the key word. The world revolves around THEM - very little regard for the lives they impact by their behavior.
Do I have to live with the fact I do not have the relationship with this sister as I do with my other sisters? Yes. Do I know that someday she may commit suicide as so often threatened? Yes. But I stand by all my advice to those involved: Choice. Choose to stay or choose to disengage. There is no in-between with those unwilling to correct a problem which can be corrected. There is not guilt. I got over guilt with understanding I will not go blind if I masturbate. Just don't try to impose your perception of my position with your belief system.
You have already made the mistake of not taking your sisters plight seriously because you see what she does as a game.
Did you know the suicide rate in females is so high that the therapists who give DBT therapy have to be treated themselves by their collegues during therapy because its so traumatic for them because anything they do could be the trigger that sets off the suicide whilst trying to find the underlying cause? and you can guarantee there is a cause.
Despite her behaviour, do you see this as a game if your sister became of one the high statistics?
I would love to tell you a true story that might make you re think your dreadful attitude.
Unfortunatly for you, you will have to wait until my book comes out.
You have given out alot of innacurate information out on BPD and there is no way you have researched it.
I do not see you telling people that female sufferers have such a high suicide rate at 74% in untreated cases. And those treating them with DBT therapy have to have therapy themselves to ensure they dont do something detrimental that triggers off that persons suicide when finding out the cause. Nor do i see you telling anyone that most female BPD sufferers have been abused as children or faced a serious trauma that they often keep to themselves. Nor do i see you telling anyone that those females feel used when the man only sees the good side of sex in them and nothing else especially if they have been abused.
Nor do i see you telling anyone that war heros suffer from BPD.
You have not placed facts here and it worries me that you are giving out the wrong kind of information and creating a stigma to those who do not know about BPD and making them think the worst when it is not like that and making BPD sufferers as mental cases with nothing better to do that be nasty and disruptive.
It is not a game for BPD sufferers either and if they become one of the statistics of suicide, would it be percieved as a game then? perhaps not and i suggest that you research properly and stop basing your findings on your own angry opinions because you were hurt.
It takes 2 to tango and if she ran back to her ex then she clearly didnt see you as the better bet did she?
I dont mean this to be crass but anger manifests in different ways, yours is clearly to condemn the one that hurt you the most. But that comes with all relationship breakdowns, or should i say most. its human nature.
Either way you had BPD and either way you was not great company when you suffered it to all those around you regardless of how you were prior to having it and after surviving it.
The point i am trying to make is this..
Your ex is not a freak of nature nor is she a bad person. She is clearly hurt and her inner self is probably suffering much more than you can imagine. She also does not have the support you had and you ought to be greatful for that because whilst your fine, she is not and her pain and suffering is much greater now because if you think her relationship with you hasnt affected her further, your sadly mistaken because she is likely to be more confused than ever. But this is not your problem.
You are not a freak of nature either nor a bad person but you are clearly very bitter towards her. Thats why you are here talking about it. Thats why you havent got over her.
I understand more than you realise and it is not down to any of us to judge your ex because none of us know her. It is not down to any of us to tell you to get rid of her either.
bobsthename write: Tereas, my behaviour has clearly been contributory to the chaos. The situation and chaos has been really simple...and chronic not only with me, but also those before me. While with her ex she will manipulate relentlessly the male victim to take her back, that she doesn't want to be with the ex because he is terrible and that the victim is the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. The manipulation goes on and on until the victim succumbs...then once she has her victim under her thumb she then does a 180 right back to the ex applying the same moves on him...leaving her victim hanging - you wonder, what the heck just happened, I've never experienced anything like this...how can one go from heaven - a fairy tale - to hell at the drop of a hat. Then the whole process starts again...the victim, feeling like they have met their soul mate just drops is left buried for another day for the BPD to come back and use.
Sometimes they have multiple victims on the go. at one point she had three of us going that I know of.
Yet armed with all this information, she can craftily come back and manipulate her way back into most anyone's life. I joined a BPD group for male victims last year and the best outcome seems to be for the BPD to find new victims to focus on.
bob, I truly understand your situation. As I've said, I have watched one of my sisters in action playing the same game. Help me (us?) really understand this..Is it a matter of a great sex, the fact they need you so and the need to be needed, both, what? I just don't get it. This BPD sister has had relationships with some very good men. Men, who on the outside appear to be a fit for intelligent, stable women. It seems similiar to me with women who are abused and yet continue to return to the situation. It co-dependency.I just don't get it - even more so if there's not marriage and kids involved. I would just like to understnd from a man's view
They should lock BPD's up and throw away the key...the economic and psychological cost to society from one of these mentall ill people is horendous.
That would mean that you need to also be put away and society ought to reject you also? because you too had an illness and like her, you got it from what someone else done to you. So why condemn her when you also had an illness for the same reasons? And you also abused those around you too. What makes you any different from her? it doesnt but luckily you had something she probably didnt have, understanding, compassion, support and love oh and money as you mentioned.
Id say she didnt get that same kind of support. Did you get her professional therapy like CBT or DBT with all that money you have?
Women go back to their abusers very often regardless of having BPD or not and thats a fact.
Sorry to hear about your nightmare! Sounds as though you need to cut this one loose to save yourself. It's amazing what we will put up with on a prolonged basis, and eventually can get sucked into the abyss. My late husband was bi-polar but was undiagnosed until just before his passing. I always knew something wasn't right, but after the diagnosis, realized why life had been so difficult.
We can't help who we fall in love with, but we can take a stand for ourselves and decide who to let into our lives. I wish you the best of luck in closing this hurtful chapter of your life and that the next woman will bring you happiness.
I do not understand the concept of branding every BPD as all being the same. Your misleading people into thinking its how you say it is just because your basing BPD on your own experience and evaluations.
At the end of the day i dont feel sorry for you, i feel sorry for the woman because you make excuses for your behaviour which was bad and maybe you need to consider that it is you that is doing something to her to make her respond the way she is because its a fact that BPD can be noticed when the sufferer is put into a situation that resembles something bad that gave her BPD in the first place. Sex is clearly something you want from her and are addicted too, has it occured to you she might feel used?
No one is born with BPD.
Perhaps you still have issues you are not addressing and laying all the blame on to that woman and perhaps your behaviour is not so straight forward as you are saying?
My memoir is due out in 07 and perhaps you should read it when its out. You might learn something.
griffyncalf write: DUDE are you kidding me? BPD is a serious illness that needs compassion and attention. Women with this dis-order need help and meds to fly right. Bringing on the BPD offer is a sick mockery of a serious illness. I had the experience of being with one for a year. Yes the sex is great when its available but the cost is huge to the bpd. They always feel like they will be dumped, have a bottomless pit of need and you can never really make them happy. What do you desire about that? Sex is so mental and you want to take advantage of a mentaly challenged girl. Shame on you dude.
Very good advice, griffy. When I posted on this thread (so long ago now) with similiar, but not as specific advice, I was virtually roasted. It is refreshing to see a man who has lived it, understands the darker side and responds as stable man w/should.
At that time, Bob, I believe you were making light of women with BPD...yadayada sexisgreat....but now I see you're realizing the darker side. Question again is: What are you going to do about it? Choices: 1) Play her game - for ev er or 2) Leave it behind for ev er? I've seen the "nice" men fall for my sis (not the one in my profile pics) like that. It does not end and I always found myself questioning what is wrong with the man who would put up with that behavior? Surely, there is a disorder of some name involved.
It sounds to me that those refering to their relationship problems assume it is BPD causing that sort of behaviour because there needs to be a reason and lets face it, more often than not we all pick out the worst points about someone when we split up with or want to split up with them and its blown up out of proportion. Its that way because it makes it an easier transition for us to break away. Human nature.
Not every woman is all goodness and light just as many men are not either and that sort of behaviour isnt just associated with BPD as "normal" people have lots of behaviour issues too as it is part of human nature.
It is cruel and destructive for men to have afairs but they still do it and dont care of the damage it causes but thats not BPD. Men who control women or beat them, that is not BPD.
War heros also have similar symptoms & suffer BPD after and yet they are not judged the same way perhaps because society has made allowances and sees them as heros and yet you seem to find it too easy to condem a woman with BPD and many are abused as children. Do you not have the same understanding for a survivor and give her the same support you would do if it were a war hero just because you know about war but nothing about child abuse survivors?
Women are more supportive to partners with BPD because they take time to care and consider the other persons needs.
Women with PMT, thats not BPD. Women with post natal depression, thats not BPD and yet they have similar symptoms and yet we hear the same stories from the men about them too and make it an excuse to get out and yet they do not address their own issues as to the way they deal with those problems because they simply dont care to find out and help.
We could associate much of the behaviour being mentioned to many other people too who are not considered to have any kind of disorder.
Im also assuming that the ones being mentioned have been diagnosed as having BPD? or are you just guessing?
dude the only way for you to recover is to have no contact at all. She is in you and will torment you for as long as you let her. You will not be able to love another until you allow yourself to heal from her destuction. Remember no contact!
DUDE are you kidding me? BPD is a serious illness that needs compassion and attention. Women with this dis-order need help and meds to fly right. Bringing on the BPD offer is a sick mockery of a serious illness. I had the experience of being with one for a year. Yes the sex is great when its available but the cost is huge to the bpd. They always feel like they will be dumped, have a bottomless pit of need and you can never really make them happy. What do you desire about that? Sex is so mental and you want to take advantage of a mentaly challenged girl. Shame on you dude.
The biggest personality disorder.....is Envy.....
The in ability to look at oneself and right what is wrong.
People having to totally ignore the fact that....they need help......but think that everyone else is wrong......and they are right!.