Do you love funny jokes? Humor

  • View author's info posted on Jul 19, 2006 22:14


    GOOD:

    Harrisville, RI... Policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
    wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was
    standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
    AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
    reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.

    BETTER:

    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
    radar post in Mapleville, RI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
    cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
    with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

    BEST:

    A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
    As Rhode Island State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RI State Troopers Ball.
    "He replied, "Rhode Island State Troopers don't have balls."
    There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
    He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
  • View author's info posted on Jul 19, 2006 22:07


    A woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

    Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

    Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

    "I was stung by a bee", she said.

    "Where?", he asked.

    "Between the first and second hole", she replied.

    He nodded knowingly, and said, "Your stance is too wide."
  • View author's info posted on Jul 09, 2006 15:06


    LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM


    NAME____________________

    GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________


    1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

    2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

    3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

    4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

    5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

    6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

    7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

    8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

    9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

    10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
  • View author's info posted on Jul 05, 2006 20:35


    What do you call 2 skunks doing the 69?

    Odor Eaters!!!

    (I thought it was cute)
  • View author's info posted on Jul 05, 2006 15:21


    California -156 years ago!
    Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?

    California became a state.
    The State had no electricity.
    The State had no money.
    Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
    There were gun fights in the streets.

    So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
  • View author's info posted on Jun 26, 2006 11:48


    Snuffy- "whats the best form of birth control after 50?... Nudity"


    Boz- "I make a fortune on nudity... they pay me to put my clothes back on"!

    "I won the *Age Before Beauty* Pageant"!
  • View author's info posted on Jun 25, 2006 00:06


    IN A RECENT SCIENTIFIC STUDY, THE RESULTS FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T."

    EXAMPLES OF THOSE DAYS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

    TUESDAY
    THURSDAY
    TODAY
    TOMORROW
    THANKSGIVING
    THATURDAY
    THUNDAY
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:

    5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
    12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
    83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?


    NUDITY
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?

    ABOUT 45 LBS.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?

    ABOUT 45 MINUTES
  • View author's info posted on Jun 22, 2006 12:18


    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

    I was gone only a few minutes.

    When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
  • View author's info posted on Jun 21, 2006 18:18


    Married 37 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 37 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 57 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19 year old, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
  • View author's info posted on Jun 16, 2006 14:38


    A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM, AND THEN SAYS HELLO.

    HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

    TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."
    NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?".

    SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER
  • View author's info posted on Jun 16, 2006 14:32


    Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonnell's for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s......

    Teaching Math In 1950
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

    Teaching Math In 1960
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

    Teaching Math In 1970
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

    Teaching Math In 1980
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

    Teaching Math In 1990
    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

    Teaching Math In 2006
    Un ranchero vende una carretera de maderapara $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
  • View author's info posted on Jun 11, 2006 14:57


    A wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

    "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children, I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

    The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

    "Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"

    The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.

    With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor little thing practically devoured them."

    "Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away.

    Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you , I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste." "I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

    The husband continues his story . . . . .

    "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to th e door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
  • View author's info Photo Verified posted on Jun 10, 2006 14:32


    man who worked for the fire department came home from work and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department: Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats; Bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we are on the truck ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, you strip naked; Bell 2, you jump into bed; Bell 3, we are going to make love all night long!"

    The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1." She took off all her clothes.

    "Bell 2." She jumped into bed.

    "Bell 3." They began to make love!

    After about 2 minutes she yelled, "BELL 4!!"

    He said, "What the hell is Bell 4?"

    "MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!!" she said. "You are nowhere near the fire!!"
  • View author's info Photo Verified posted on Jun 10, 2006 14:28


    A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.

    "Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.

    "My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.

    "If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.

    "Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."
  • View author's info posted on Jun 09, 2006 01:46


    Dear Husband:

    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
    I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for
    it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
    you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
    home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
    favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
    two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
    tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
    Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I
    m gone.

    P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
    to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    Your EX-Wife




    Dear Ex-Wife
    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
    and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
    from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
    constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
    all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
    just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
    anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
    confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
    went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
    was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
    borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
    After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
    when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
    my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
    But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
    I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with
    your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
    Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

    Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
  • View author's info posted on May 26, 2006 09:17


    Snuffy1962 write:
    Please be careful. I don't know if you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

    This happened to me and it could happen to you.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow.

    Lord have mercy!... I'm runnin out of Windex!
  • View author's info posted on May 20, 2006 23:34


    A National Poetry Contest came down to two guys, One from USC and a Tenn. Redneck, they were given the word Timbuktu and two minutes to make up a poem.
    The Grad. stood up
    Slowly across the desert sand
    Trekked a lonely caravan
    Men on camels two by two
    Destination Timbuktu.
    This was met with lots of cheering.
    Up stood the Redneck and spoke.
    Me and Tim ahunting went
    Meet 3 girls in a pop up tent
    They was 3 and we was 2
    So I bucked one and Timbuktu
    Guess who won!!!
  • View author's info posted on May 20, 2006 22:37


    The proverbial Englishman Scotsman & Irishman are sitting in a pub when they see in a corner this?man, they look at each other and as a man , proclaim its Jesus.
    The Englishman calls the barman over and says , Please give Jesus in the corner a pint of best English Ale. The Scotsman follows suit with a dram of fine whiskey, and the Irishman with a Guinness. After a few minutes Jesus walks over to their table and says, My Sons you have shown generosity to a stranger, he turns to the Englishman and says can i cure you of any ailment, the Englishman say Oh Yes Jesus, the pain in my hips is unbearable, Get up and walk, your cured, and low the Englishman got up and ran on the spot. Turning to the Scotsman he asked the same, well i have this prostate problem. and in an instant it was cured, as he turned to ask the Irishman, he got up and fled, leaving the group open mouthed.
    The next day the three met again, Hey Paddy why did you run away. I'm not stupid he replied , I'd lose all my disability allowances and have to work,!!
  • View author's info posted on May 20, 2006 14:27


    Please be careful. I don't know if you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

    This happened to me and it could happen to you.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow.
  • View author's info posted on May 13, 2006 04:45


    Q.....what do you call a cow eating grass?

    A........A lawnmooer.
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