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  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 01:32 PM


    Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

    Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
    in the world."

    Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

    Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

    So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
    have their claims verified.

    Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
    "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

    Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
    smallest person in the world."

    Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
    says."Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 01:30 PM


    After the tourist from Tennessee had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

    "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

    "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 01:15 PM


    This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

    He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

    The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

    So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 11:43 AM


    A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.



    When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.



    Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

    Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 10:46 AM


    Here's four jokes that were sent to me in an email.

    TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES OF 2005

    Number 4

    A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
    into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
    says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

    She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."


    Number 3

    One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
    The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

    Number 2

    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

    "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

    "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

    "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

    "Yes, I did." he replied.

    "My God, Bill, what happened?"

    "I got fired."

    "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh...she got fired too."

    Number 1

    A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

    "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
    Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
    "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
    I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 09:17 AM


    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

    One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

    Moral of this story..

    Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! B***s*** and brilliance only come with age and experience!
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 09:15 AM


    Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.

    Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin'
    an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

    Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,

    "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 09:03 AM


    A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster?one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: ?I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!?

    So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: ?Henry,? he said, ?I?m counting on you to do your stuff.? And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

    Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn?t stop there.

    Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, ?Stop, Henry!! You?ll kill yourself!!?

    But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

    Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, ?Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you?ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.?

    ?Shhhhhhh,? Henry whispered, ?The buzzard?s getting closer.?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 09:00 AM


    A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

    "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

    "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

    "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

    The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 08:59 AM


    An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

    With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

    Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
    So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

    The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter.
    The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

    "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
    not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
    of the other girls so the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
    not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

    "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

    So they were wed right away.
    Months later the baby was born.

    When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

    "Well," explained the farmer,
    "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 08:57 AM


    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

    The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 20, 2006 at 08:54 AM


    Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

    Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

    At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

    When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

    "Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 19, 2006 at 08:37 AM


    weelassy1 write:
    Hey grounds keeper Willie...or should I call you a JIZZMOPPER...LOL IN Gaelic Tongue (Slang)...No need to respond or explian yourself as talk is cheap me Lad. There is more important things then to hear your TYPO...ROBBIE...LOL


    What an eclectic taste in movies you there lassy. But it was a sexy, steamy, romantic chick flick I must say. Do you have the DVD? ;o)

    och nan och! a shiorraidh! pug m'hone gu siorraidhbrath meallach olc pu obaireachd lethasal !!! :o) Probably mangled that but old Willie's got a slur. Good to see you! Hope your day is going well.

    Back up in the hills where I am from, we weren't prosperous enough for a town drunk, so we just took turns.

    Things are getting a little better though. Lots of cars are driving through, and we been saving up our money. We don't have a traffic light yet, but we do have the colors picked out.

    It is a nice little town though, you don't even have to use turn signals as most everyone knows where you are going anyway.

    We thought one time we had aliens invading us. Seems Johnny's field was growing up in circular patterns. After we talked to him though, we realized he went cheap and had bought a used circus horse.

    Lots of new businesses have been moving there, and we think it is very prosperous. Next year they might add a yellow page to the back of phone book.
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 18, 2006 at 10:25 PM


    robtest write:


    ROFLMAO...

    I guess even compassionate women have their limits of Altruistism !!! :o)

    Hey grounds keeper Willie...or should I call you a JIZZMOPPER...LOL IN Gaelic Tongue (Slang)...No need to respond or explian yourself as talk is cheap me Lad. There is more important things then to hear your TYPO...ROBBIE...LOL
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 18, 2006 at 09:22 AM


    Altruisticman write:
    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,?'Honey, my hands are freezing!? She says, ?Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.?

    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, ?Man! My hands are really freezing!? She says again, ?Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.? He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, ?Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.? She looks at him and says, ?For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold??



    ROFLMAO...

    I guess even compassionate women have their limits of Altruistism !!! :o)
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 17, 2006 at 08:47 AM


    Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."


    Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."


    Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
    Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."


    Man: "Is this seat empty?"
    Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


    Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"


    Man: "Your place or mine?"
    Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."


    Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."

    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too."


    Man: "What sign were you born under?"
    Woman: "No Parking."


    Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
    Woman: "Do Not Enter."


    Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized!"


    Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
    Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"


    Man: "I can tell that you want me."
    Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."


    Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
    Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."


    Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
    Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"


    Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
    Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."


    Man: "Your body is like a temple."
    Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."


    Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
    Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 17, 2006 at 08:40 AM


    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,?'Honey, my hands are freezing!? She says, ?Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.?

    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, ?Man! My hands are really freezing!? She says again, ?Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.? He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, ?Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.? She looks at him and says, ?For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold??
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 17, 2006 at 08:38 AM


    This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it?s a gay bar, but decides, ?What the heck, I really want a drink.?

    When the gay waiter approaches, he asks to the customer, ?What?s the name of your penis??

    The customer says, ?Look, I?m not into any of that. All I want is a
    drink.?

    The gay waiter says, ?I?m sorry but I can?t serve you until you tell
    me the name of your penis.?

    So the customer turns to the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, ?Hey bud, what?s the name of your penis??

    The man to the left, with a smile, looks back and says, ?TIMEX.?

    The thirsty customer asks, ?Timex??

    The fella proudly replies, ?Cause it takes a lickin? and keeps on tickin?.

    A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping
    on a margarita. ?So, what do you call your penis??

    The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, ?FORD, because quality is Job 1.? Then he adds, ?Have you driven a Ford, lately??

    Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, ?The name of my penis is ?Secret?. Now give me my beer!?

    The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, ?Why Secret??

    The customer says,
    ?STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN
    BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 02:01 PM


    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

    To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

    At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.

    "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 15, 2006 at 01:32 PM


    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflowe! r and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds And Satan smiled.

    And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

    So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Sata n brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

    God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

    God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

    God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed and created quadrupl! e bypass surgery.

    Then Satan created HMOs.

    Thought for the day

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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