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Do you love funny jokes?
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Posted on Sat, Jun 10, 2006 14:32

man who worked for the fire department came home from work and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department: Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats; Bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we are on the truck ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, you strip naked; Bell 2, you jump into bed; Bell 3, we are going to make love all night long!"

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1." She took off all her clothes.

"Bell 2." She jumped into bed.

"Bell 3." They began to make love!

After about 2 minutes she yelled, "BELL 4!!"

He said, "What the hell is Bell 4?"

"MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!!" she said. "You are nowhere near the fire!!"

  


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Posted on Sat, Jun 10, 2006 14:28

A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.

"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.

"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.

"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.

"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."

  


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Posted on Fri, Jun 09, 2006 01:46

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I
m gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife




Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with
your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!



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Posted on Wed, Jun 07, 2006 21:09

WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER SEX?
---------------------------------------------------
Aries... I' m hungry, pass the pizza.
----------------------------------------------------
Taurus... Okay, Ok lets do it again...
----------------------------------------------------
Gemini... Have you seen the TV remote?
-----------------------------------------------------
Cancer... When are we getting married?
-----------------------------------------------------
Leo... Wasn't I fantastic?
-----------------------------------------------------
Virgo... I need to wash the sheets.
-----------------------------------------------------
Libra... I liked it if you liked it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Scorpio... Perhaps I should untie you.
----------------------------------------------------
Sagittarius... Don't call me, I'll call you.
----------------------------------------------------
Capricorn... Do you have a business card?
----------------------------------------------------
Aquarius.... Now let's do it again and again and again and again...
----------------------------------------------------
Pisces... What did you say your name was?



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Posted on Fri, May 26, 2006 22:45

Ad translations gone wrong....

*

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhoea".
*

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
*

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
*

In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as " eat your fingers off".
*

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem -- Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty".
*

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
*

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
*

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
*

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water".
*

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
*

We all know about GM's Chevy Nova meaning "it won't go" in Spanish markets, but did you know that Ford had a similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto? Pinto was Brazilian slang for " tiny male genitals". Ford renamed the automobile Corcel, meaning "horse".
*

Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts".
*

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
*

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, " it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word " embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
*

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-ou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
*

A few years ago, in the American Midwest, some people decided to show off their new "real" Mexican restaurant, named Chi-chi's to some visiting Californians. Upon seeing the name on the marquis, the Californians started to laugh. When asked why they were laughing, they explained that in Mexican Spanish, "chi-chi's" literally means "titties."



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Posted on Fri, May 26, 2006 09:17

Snuffy1962 write:
Please be careful. I don't know if you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow.

Lord have mercy!... I'm runnin out of Windex!



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Posted on Sat, May 20, 2006 23:34

A National Poetry Contest came down to two guys, One from USC and a Tenn. Redneck, they were given the word Timbuktu and two minutes to make up a poem.
The Grad. stood up
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
This was met with lots of cheering.
Up stood the Redneck and spoke.
Me and Tim ahunting went
Meet 3 girls in a pop up tent
They was 3 and we was 2
So I bucked one and Timbuktu
Guess who won!!!

  


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Posted on Sat, May 20, 2006 22:37

The proverbial Englishman Scotsman & Irishman are sitting in a pub when they see in a corner this?man, they look at each other and as a man , proclaim its Jesus.
The Englishman calls the barman over and says , Please give Jesus in the corner a pint of best English Ale. The Scotsman follows suit with a dram of fine whiskey, and the Irishman with a Guinness. After a few minutes Jesus walks over to their table and says, My Sons you have shown generosity to a stranger, he turns to the Englishman and says can i cure you of any ailment, the Englishman say Oh Yes Jesus, the pain in my hips is unbearable, Get up and walk, your cured, and low the Englishman got up and ran on the spot. Turning to the Scotsman he asked the same, well i have this prostate problem. and in an instant it was cured, as he turned to ask the Irishman, he got up and fled, leaving the group open mouthed.
The next day the three met again, Hey Paddy why did you run away. I'm not stupid he replied , I'd lose all my disability allowances and have to work,!!



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Posted on Sat, May 20, 2006 17:56

What not to wear:

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Posted on Sat, May 20, 2006 14:27

Please be careful. I don't know if you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow.



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Posted on Fri, May 19, 2006 13:39

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are chatting in the pub. The English man says my wife is on a diet and she's not even fat, the Scottsman says my wife just bought a car and she can't even drive. That's nothing says the Irish man my wife's gone on holiday to Ibiza taken 30 condoms and she doesn't even have a **** ! I love Irish jokes they remind me of the old country this one was from dingodog I have a few more but they are too naughty for here x



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Posted on Fri, May 19, 2006 00:15

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"!

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't ? I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week?and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



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Posted on Tue, May 16, 2006 09:50

go to: you tube

search for: the evolution of dance

watch it all the way through, it is hilarious!



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Posted on Sat, May 13, 2006 04:45

Q.....what do you call a cow eating grass?

A........A lawnmooer.



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Posted on Sat, May 13, 2006 04:43

Q.....How do you count a herd of cows?

A......With a cowculator



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Posted on Sat, May 13, 2006 04:41

Q.......What did the bus driver say to the frog?

A......Hop on!



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Posted on Thu, May 11, 2006 17:28

A Woman with no arms and legs sits crying on the beach....

a man comes along and ask whats wrong.

she says she never been held before. he holds her, and then is on his way.

the second man comes along and ask her whats wrong.

she says shes never been kissed before. he kisses her, and then is on his way.

the third guy comes along and ask whats wrong.

she says she never been f**** before.

he says your f**** now, and throws her in the water.



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Posted on Wed, May 10, 2006 19:32

An old couple that had been married for 75 years are sitting on the porch watching the sun set when the woman reaches for her cane and whacks the man as hard as she can against the ankles.

"Ouch," the husband yelps, "what was that for?"

"That was for 75 years of crappy sex." she says.

A few minutes go by while the man rubs his sore joints then he grabs his cane and smacks it against his wife's knees.

"Ouch," she exclaims, "what was that for?"

"That," he tells her, "is for knowing the difference."



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Posted on Wed, May 10, 2006 12:43

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John
could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result: The
judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?



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Posted on Wed, May 10, 2006 06:06

A rasta-man went to visit an old friend, The rasta-man knock pon di door, and smaddy inside seh, " A who dat?", the rast-man said, "it is I and I jahrastafaria,kings of kings,lord of lords,conquering lions of the tribe of judah, son of haile selassie 1"
The person inside replied, "A me one dey yah and mi nah open me door fi so much of oonu "

  


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