libbeybean - PART 2 - I met a man last Fall, who had recently left an abusive marriage of 18 yrs. He still loved his wife. He wanted to date me exclusively. I agreed, because I thought I was emotionally unavailable, and I also perceived he needed a friend and shoulder to talk to. I believed we could both be helpful to one another, and who knows maybe it would last. It didn't, he returned to his abusive wife. We were helpful to one another. He learned alot about himself & his relationship. And I learned alot about myself, and put into perspective things that had happened during my relationship with this abusive person. Red flags I had noticed, but disregarded, because I loved him with all my heart. Take him to court? No. Why? To drag out the hurt longer? Do I have a need to strike back at him and hurt him as much as he did me? No I don't...vindictiveness only harbors negative unhappy and unhealthy feelings. One is better off to get over it...no matter how long it takes...it is work...but she should work onit. She is better off without him in her life...keep it that way. In court she'll have to see him again, which only rehashes everything, causing more hurt. As a friend, you can be there to listen to her in her times of woes/tears...but give her positive feedback. I stand by what I said...it doesn't belong in the courts, they are already swamped with too many claims that don't belong in the courts.
She may not be up to dating anyone at the moment, but she should try, because each person who she meets will be a positive stepping stone to helping her heal...and one day she'll meet the right person for her, and she'll be happy again.
I recommend she read this excellent book: "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher & Dr. Robert Alberti
Good luck to her.
libbeybean...PART 1 - My philosophy is never judge anyone until you've walked in similar shoes to theirs.
I'm not judging your friend. I have walked in her shoes.
I was in a relationship for a year with a man who declared his love for me long before I did him. He professed his love daily, and if I forgot to say it before hanging up from a phone call, he'd question me about it. He had a Masters in Atmospheric Science, very intelligent, and loaded with charisma and good looks. After I was hooked he changed. He played mind games, and was mentally abusive. I'm an educated lady, and I know better. I have friends in the medical profession...who know better & I'd talk with. Until this man, I had never been abused mentally or physically by anyone. It gave me an insight to understand how people in abusive relationships (physical or mental) continue over and over to return to that abusive relationship. Love is blinding. We tend to think with our hearts, not our minds. I had to fight every fibre in my being to put mind over my heart and refrain myself from ever contacting him again. Mental abuse can be the worst and longest to recover from. It took me almost 2 yrs. Any breakup will cause emotional distress to one of the parties if that party continues to love the other, and it is the other party doing the breaking up.
Please don't be too hard on judging this girl, she is a friend of mine....She is an intelligent, beautiful, caring woman and successful in her own right. She has been duped by this man that she is refering to ...big time! She feels a need to have some sort of restitution. Emotional pain can be just as great as physical pain.....and it lasts much longer.....This is what this message board should be for....to expose those who diabolicly prey on the honest and good hearted. Life is for living....as it is too short to have such emotional upheaval when it is not warranted.
And trust me.....she is too intelligent to play the woman scorned thing!!! She speaks from the heart.....
If you rationally stop and think back over those 11 month, I'm sure it will occur to you there were red flags (warning signs). But love has a way of blinding people to them.,or letting one overlook them, because they 'love' that person. When someone breaks your heart it hurts, you feel angry, hate, you grieve, and eventually you get over it. For some people it can take a very long time...years to get over. You are not the first to experience this pain, and will not be the last. It's been happening for thousands of years, I'm sure. The courts are already saturated with lawsuits...be practical.