congrats on gettin rid of the old neg tapes that followed u from childhood to adulthood-- its tough work overcoming abuse in any form-- but finding out who u are and being happy with u is an accomplishment-- proud of ya sista- and happy to see that u know u have self worth and are no longer allowing neg people in ya life.. way to go
I think that marriage is the sign of serious relationship, combined with love, companionship and long lasting happiness. It shouldn't be seen, considered or thought just as a limited signed paper, but as a serious commitment.
This is my first visit to this site. Just checking things out ... it's kind of amazing how browsing the women on this site is just like browsing the women on any Russian site ... the same physical "quality" is present in abundance, except on the Russian sites there is no cosmetic surgery required to achieve that. What the incidence of that is here, who can tell, but I'd bet money it's over 90%. There, a 12 to 15 year age difference (with the woman being younger) is common, no kids is VERY common, and the average guy with an average income is who these women marry. The long-term divorce rate in Russian / American marriages is well under the American average and typically the entire process is completed in under a year for around $10k. More guys don't go this route probably only because of the stigma surrounding it - "you can't get a woman in your own country," "she just wants a green card," etc.; all the myths people buy into. Anyway the concentration of physical beauty on this site is overwhelming; I guess it's true that women want power and money above all else; those who feel they have a realistic shot at it, go for it without hesitation. Just my observations. Personally I wouldn't date an American woman; I don't see the women themselves as being the problem but rather what our culture has bred them to be.
Bonnie88 write: sorry Real, I have not had time to read the rest of your life on the thread. BUt it is lovely to know that you have found yourself and your vocation helping others in similar plight. YOU would be a great asset to them and a role model too I bet. Good for you and like CP say, I hope you will find the one man who will appreciate the hard life you have been thru and the beautiful woman you are now.
champagnepowder write: Here's to you Real (me raising my glass) for your honesty and straight forwardness. With all you've been through it sounds like you found out who you are and what you want. Good luck on your new path!
NYCHICK write: no signs?? looking back now can u see any red flags that went unnoticed-- generally there are some
nychick..that not always correct. someone who abuses has a tendancy to be a camelion..hard to see their true color or who they are.they also have a tendancy to believe their way of treating a woman is way it is supposed to be....caveman.my ex was just as charming as steve or ssweendoggy(when he displayed it) UNTIL after we married..then the abuse started.granted there are some who arent good at hiding this side of themselves. it's like a pedifile..meeting one u would never think or see this side of them. i know women cops & attorneys who married abusers..was no signs & the man came off as prince charming thru out the dating period.mine..was the prince charming...also most abuse dont take place unless it's drug or alcohol induced.
sorry Real, I have not had time to read the rest of your life on the thread. BUt it is lovely to know that you have found yourself and your vocation helping others in similar plight. YOU would be a great asset to them and a role model too I bet.
Good for you and like CP say, I hope you will find the one man who will appreciate the hard life you have been thru and the beautiful woman you are now.
Bonnie as i said i had been abused all my life..as a kid & into marriages..i seen my parents battles & thought that was way it was. i chose men who didnt come across as abusers..but domineering. what i was saying, is 10 yrs ago i broke that pattern,and have never looked or felt better in my life. the question here was bout marriage..yes, i want the married life, i love being married.only with the right man!
Bonnie88 write: Real, Have you thought that maybe you have been going for the wrong sort of guy or attracting the wrong type who seem to take advantage of you? Perhaps it is time to change your image, your taste for the sort of men you seem to fall for or attract? Try a different scene and meet a different category of men? Give yourself a complete makeover or change? Our needs and our taste change thru age and now that u have been thru the angst of your mistakes perhaps you need to re-examine what u truly need in a man? Consult your friends or family members and ask for their honest opinion about your choice in men and trust them to give you a good check and look-over before you get serious with a man..if you can't trust your own choice maybe an impartial judge who has your interest at heart is a better guide for you..it is like going for expert advice...if in doubt..
bonnie..no i sure dont think i need a make over or need to change men. i have been single almost 10 yrs divorced 9. that was when i changed my life for the better. like i said...i worked in battered shelters for women & in battered children's shelters. apparently u didnt get what i was saying in my post. my life is wonderful! i dont have to have a man in my life..but i want one & wont settle for less than the best, romantic, compassionate, loyal, honest. i know what type of man i want in my life & i have recently started dating, it's actually fun..cuz i am in charge of my life, not a man!
Have you thought that maybe you have been going for the wrong sort of guy or attracting the wrong type who seem to take advantage of you? Perhaps it is time to change your image, your taste for the sort of men you seem to fall for or attract? Try a different scene and meet a different category of men? Give yourself a complete makeover or change?
Our needs and our taste change thru age and now that u have been thru the angst of your mistakes perhaps you need to re-examine what u truly need in a man? Consult your friends or family members and ask for their honest opinion about your choice in men and trust them to give you a good check and look-over before you get serious with a man..if you can't trust your own choice maybe an impartial judge who has your interest at heart is a better guide for you..it is like going for expert advice...if in doubt..
i had done the living together thing..for me i find that it dont work...to easy to throw up ur hands & walk away without trying to work thru the issues.with marriage..i went with my husband five yrs before i married him. so it goes to show..we dont always know whom we're marrying. lol as far as marriage..i dont know anyone who likes going thru divorce so they usually try to work thru issues & avoid divorce court.
Having read your story REAL, I often advocate co-habitation for a while , that way u would b able to suss out the dark side of his life and the quirky habits that could get on your nerve after a while..co-habitation makes it easy to end without dire consequences ,the bloody paperwork and of course the possible economic consequences if you are the main financier in the marriage...
Love is often blind and I see too many women fall for that trap..even very smart ones to realise too late that they are trapped in a loveless union and have become dependent on it for survival since many have given up their careers and jobs and are left to fend for themselves with little financial support...and some badly abused mentally and physically..losing all self-esteem.
women desperately need lessons in being independent both emotionally and economically before they surrender themselves to the misconceived idea that he will be your saviour .. and he is your escape ..even femme fatales have to learn that after they find their catch they need to work harder to keep their men if they want to make that their career..so girls, marriage is not a meal ticket nor a guarantee to a secure life..only you are your own secure ticket to your own destination and happiness...make sure you have a return ticket whatever you do...
champagnepowder write: Hey real, I am sorry to hear that and thanks for being honest! I am glad you had the ability to get out of that relationship though and hopefully you will find something much better in the future. You're right some are the marrying kind. I lean more towards the committed relationship kind. If marriage comes of that then great but I wouldn't be heart-broken if it didn't. Good luck to you
thxs..abuse is never acceptable in any form..i had it all my life. i always wondered what god's plans were for me, then i found out..i love working with elderly, battered kids & also in a battered women's shelter. it's a good feeling to share my past with them & for them to see, it took me yrs to understand i never deserved the abuse & that i have been out of it almost 10 yrs now. as far as my ex..god took him at the age of 48, just 10 months after i divorced him.i am strong & have alot of love to give the right man.
champagnepowder write: Real, I am curious how you could love being married but not love the person you were married to??
well...because after 2 weeks of being married the physical & mental abuse started...then his hiding spots on where he hid his big bottles of vodka got easier to find...was no signs what so ever of an abuser before we married. he was a soft spoken & kind man. so that is where the didnt like came in, didnt say i didnt love him..cuz i did & would still be married to him,if he hadnt beat on me.there are some people who are meant to be married & some who arent..i am the marrying kind.
garbinocat1 write: I dont like the whole marriage thing but i like the security espesically as i think of getting old _________________________________--
It is a fallacy to think that marriage is 'security'..whether it be financial or emotional... I have known and met so many women who are led down the aisle on that misconceived lie they learn as a naive little girl waiting for that to come true...'and they live happily after' only happens in 1 out of 3 marriages today...so the truth be known there are at least 2 disillusioned Cinderellas out of every 3 thinking Prince Charming is going to save their life from mundane existence...and the real married cinderellas today still have to scrub floors, cook and mind babies..despite marrying Prince Charming...and you can't do all that tittering along in glass slippers...
I loved being married, just didnt like what i married. As i have aged i see the things i chose then in a partner as something i would choose to stay away from in the next & last man in my life. i need the bond, the growing together, the intimacy, romance & honesty that i can only have with one man...the one i will share my love & life with~my best friend'... now where is he? lol
Six and Champagne,
YOu both share my belief too hence I did not have A WEDDING PARTY AT ALL..our friends gave us a surprise party..and we did not land up with umpteenth sets of 'HIS and HERS' towel sets, etc..
The pomp and ceremony is just a ritual that is traditional and historical..the marking of an event in one's life which hopefully will be memorable and recorded..but does not necessarily register the true love and emotions that is between the couple...
Whether we wish to conform to social norms or rituals is up to the individual ..whether it is a ritual to show respect and acknowledgement to please our parents is also a thought..my parents never quite forgive us for not including them in the party..they felt betrayed, deprived and excluded..I guess now as a parent , I know and realise what pain i must caused them..
Love probably has to be shown in ceremony for many..an enactment and public announcement of a very private act..I have in my own rebellious way defy that act and lived up to the expectation of an unblemished marriage..my parents have long forgiven us..the memories of a 20 year marriage is now remembered in my two beautiful bi-racial kids..grandchildren have a magical way of endorsing forgiveness..
Hey Champagne ,
Have you been stalking me on this site? lol ..you site-stalker..lol
What zodiac sign are you? I think I could guess..
I am of the view that marriage is really a private contract between two persons, why should the entire clan and world be involved..after all if it fails , am I going to have a divorce party? It is only a piece of paper that confirms the contractual relationship which really is about the heart and trust..it took me years to get used to being called Mrs..I refuse to 'belong' to someone and be labelled someone's wife ..or girlfriend..that sense of possessive interest encroaches on my need to feel free and be my own person and have my own identity..my phobia stamps from my fear of losing my identity..We grow up identifying with the institutions of learning and work which we have worked so hard for..but the institution of marriage is so nebulous and overwhelming..but motherhood changed it all for me I guess..a baby is visible and completely your own genetic imput and has part of your own identity..and a true confirmation of that intimate relationship..it endorsed for me my future and hope..so you might just find that person oneday to confirm that belief in marriage..