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What to do...Guys perspective needed Sort by:
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Posted on Sat, Oct 28, 2006 15:21

As some people know, my daughter is presently sailing around the World taking her gr 12. Back at Xmas. Prior to her leaving, her bf committed himself to waiting for her return. That kind of blew her away, because although she liked him alot, I don't think she was thinking a life time relationship here. She told him then that he could date other people, but he insisted he wanted to wait for her only. This was her 2nd bf, his 1st girlfriend. He was a guy who for 6 mos. claimed he didn't want a gf, because he didn't want to be committed to one person, but found himself 'in love' I guess with my daughter. He's a nice guy, mature, 95% average...knows what he wants in life, and will have the pick of Universities to attend. He'll be a great catch one day, as will my daughter. :-) I like him alot, have a great rapport with him. So this is even awkward for me. Okay, she's been away 2 mos. and has determined she doesn't miss him. She doesn't want to lead him on, and have him continue waiting for her. She contemplated writing him an email (she can only do when in a port for 4 days) to break it off, and remain friends. But one of her girlfriends yesterday told her not to email him, because apparently one of his best friends was razzing him 3 days ago about my daughter and he beat him up badly, and choked him until he passed out. Oh Boy! I told her...don't email him yet, I need to think about this. I'll get back to you as to what to do. Now I usually have a best friend, male, who I ask such advice. Unfortunately, he is inconveniently out of the country for a couple of weeks. So I'm asking advice from the guys here...what should I be telling my daughter. I just spoke to her this afternoon Oct. 28. They set sail this afternoon for their next port. I will talk to her in 2 or 3 days. Does she email him now, or wait till she returns at Xmas? That is a lousy time to breakup. ADVICE NEEDED...and guys...you would know what you would want...so spill. Because Men and Women do think differently, which is why I need a guy's perspective here.


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Posted on Mon, Oct 30, 2006 21:59

Thank you everyone for your input. I will advise her to break it off now. dtbmjax ... I agree with you about both being way to young to be thinking about a long term committment. She's a compassionate young lady, so would want to be considerate of his feelings. You are right Jock...she has a satellite phone, and that is probably a much better way of doing it, than by email when words can be misconstrued. Thank you for emailing me a very kind a tactful statement that she can use to break up with him. I've written it down so I may read it to her when she calls. Knowing her she'll take your words, and change them slightly to make it her own, but it will accomplish the same. It never ceases to amaze me that sometimes you can think you know someone, and you really don't. Thanks again! I'll let you know the outcome.


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Posted on Mon, Oct 30, 2006 21:38

the newman ... You're right this behavior does not make him a great catch. I've known him for a year, and never have I witness nor heard of him ever behaving in this manner before. So it surprised me. And I wouldn't want my daughter marrying someone like that. MorningAngel, thanks for sharing your experience. When I first heard this, that's what I envisioned would be in future for anyone female who is in an LTR with him, unless he sought help for 'anger management'. It is an awesome life altering adventure for her. For years I wanted my kids to do this. My son opted out, but my daughter wanted it. We are exceptionally close, and neither of us realized how difficult it would be to part. I cried for 2 days after I dropped her off on the ship, and one more day after they set sail a week later. She has made some great friends (guys & girls) on the ship, exploring each port together. I saw her in Fiji last week for 5 days. We had a blast together. When I waved goodbye as the ship sailed out of port I was happy, because she was now happy...over her homesickness. Today they landed in Vanuatu, and will be there till Friday. So sometime in the wee hrs of the morning, or tomorrow afternoon I will receive a phone call from her. I can hardly wait.


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MorningAngel
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Posted on Mon, Oct 30, 2006 20:05

Yeah yeah.. I know. I'm not a man. Though would like to put in an opinion. First if he's shown that side of his persona (beating up someone that was razzing him and choking him till he passed out) then it could be a Danger sign that he has a few problems controling his anger. I wish someone had warned me (my ex did something exactly like this before we married) and saved me years of pain/confusion and hurts. It starts off as something small. And over time with the right (or wrong perhaps should be the term) circumstances (ie job loss or being missed for a promotion) it can grow to unreal proportion. He could grow in time to become an abuser. Or he could realise he has a bit of a problem and get some help. It might be safer to break it off now. Give him time to cool down before she gets home. I'm curious to hear what the men have to say about this too. You are very right, they see things completely different then we do. By the way.. any time is going to be a lousy time for a break up as far as that boyfriend is concerned. Good luck to her on her decission. And what an incredible experience. Bravo to your daughter for doing it. What an awesome life adventure to do at this stage in her life. You're a brave mother too for letting her go. Leigh


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sepelo7
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Posted on Mon, Oct 30, 2006 19:55

tell me this is a joke. tell me youre not a bad mother and just momentarily blinded. . .blinded by what is my question


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Posted on Mon, Oct 30, 2006 13:00

Hi, I'm a woman but felt compelled to respond. I feel it's a very scarey thing that this guy is violent. Kids razz each other all the time. I'm assuming they are communicating via email fairly regularly. If the anxiety is killing her, then it's best to follow her feelings and write him a polite SHORT note. "You are a great guy, and I was thrilled you wanted to stay together through the distance. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. However, I'm not feeling the necessary chemistry to continue a long distance relationship. I wish you all the best and hope you can understand my feelings." Good luck!


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Jocklawyer
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Posted on Mon, Oct 30, 2006 11:37

She should call him on her satellite phone, and let him down gently. By the time she gets back, the guy will be over her, totally. And when she gets older, she will lament the fact that he was a catch and she let him go....


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Posted on Mon, Oct 30, 2006 11:32

OK here's my perspective. First, they're both WAY to young to even be thinking about any long term commitment. I think his statement about waiting for her is more of a psychological move to get her to tow the line and not "cheat." Second, she told him he could date other people. As Greg Behrendt wrote in his book "He's Just Not That Into You," in this case it's reversed. She's not into him and he doesn't have a clue. From a guy's point of view, I would want to know now. Have her send the email and let him down, but have her do it tactfully. This won't be the last time she does this so it's good to learn how to do it properly. Don't have her wait till Christmas. It would screw up both of their holidays. Better to get it over now. Poor guy. He's not in love. He has no clue what love is. 1st girlfriend? He's infatuated. He's young and he'll get over it.


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Posted on Mon, Oct 30, 2006 11:06

I'm not a guy, BUT I do have insight on such a situation. I had a stalker last year (a boyfriend I broke it off with that did not accept it well) Anyway, I learned alot about obsessive personality types as a result...this guy is obsessed with her and could turn dangerous. I would advise her to send the email now as she is SAFE being very far from him right now. He will not take the break up well and it would be better to send the email and then he will have till Christmas to deal with his anger and obsessive thoughts before she returns. She will have a nasty Christmas is she waits to do it in person I think. You just can't give a guy like this any benefit of the doubt, or reason with them when they don't get their way. I say do the breakup long distance AND don't give in to his drama after the breakup or any attempts to get back together because he "loves" her. His reaction of violence and anger towards that other guy is a serious red flag! Good luck.


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