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Beautifly
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total posts: 70
Posted on Tue, Sep 12, 2006 03:46

It's what my name means and it's how I view myself. Maybe I'm weird for being able to make the correlation between my personailty and some other animate creature. I just see myself as someone who flutters along from place to place, minding my own business and never staying for too long. I find this to be true of me in some relationships as well. I stay only long enough to find the beauty in something, but then I move on. I'll always continue to revisit that beautiful place, but in order to preserve the beauty, I have to move on from it, only returning when I've forgotten JUST how beautiful it was in the first place. I feel sooo free within myself, why should I be tied down to things that aren't pleasing to me?? The things that aren't pleasing are poisonous... ya know? Why should I be poisoned when I can flutter around sharing the beauty of all that is me? And I'm not even regarding my appearance. So I can be a little arrogant at times... but in my own defense... I'm a Gemini!! I can't help it!! LoL!! I really don't know what I'm getting at here... it's 2:30a and my heart just feels weighed down. I usually just write until I'm able to get it out and figure out what it is... I have quite a few neverending blogs!! Butterflies are symbolic to me. I like the idea of not being caught up. I like the idea of being able to move about as I please. I like the idea of only taking for myself what I need and nothing more. Sometimes I feel like I live in a fantasy world... of my own creation. And really, I'm the only one here, but as I've come to realize... I'm not the only person who feels this way. I had lunch with a good friend today, in fact, we spent the day together. We celebrated the fact that we've known each other for three years and for the majority of it... our relationship has been strong. In a sisterly way, she feels like HOME. Whenever we hang out, that's when I feel the most comfortable. I can be who I truly am and not be judged. I wish it could be that way with everyone I encounter, but that's not reality. Who cares if I'm overweight or not? Who cares if I'm intelligent or not? Who cares if I'm pretty or not? Who cares how much money I make or don't make? At the end of the day, it only matters that I was good person and that's what makes ME feel good. I feel most beautiful when I'm doing something nice or helping someone else. That's my reality. I feel like I'm completely in tune with myself. This has been the most difficult thing that I've worked to achieve in my lifetime. I know when I'm completely happy, I know when I'm faking happiness, I know when something is bothering (even when I don't know what it is), and I know these things early on... not just when it's aparent to everyone else. I know when to speak up and when some things are just better left unsaid. I know when to just smile and walk away... somthing that I find myself doing quite often. I realize I'll feel better about that decision in the long run. I almost feel... enlightened. I've actually been told that on quite a few occassions. That's a high compliment to me. I don't feel weighed down by worldly issues, and I'm not saying that I'm not sensitive to the ongoings in the world... they just don't weigh me down. There's more to life than what we see on the front page of the news paper. LoL!! I'm under the impression that the newspaper was set up to only only give information, but to also insight fear!! I feel like media is an attempt to control what /how people think/feel!! Hey it works!! People are sucked into believing things they wouldn't necessarily have believed because of media. From my perspective... it's extremely entertaining. It's as though people forget that one day they're gonna die!! Nothing in this life goes with us! The only thing we'll have left is the same thing we were born with... our spirits. Why not nurture that? A funny story... I was talking to a good friend of mine (12yr friendship) and she's become a completely different person. I LOVE her to death, but the girl is CRAZY!! She got upset with me because she felt as though I wasn't being sensitive to the fact that she was hurt by what some guy did to her. I had to call her out on the fact that she didn't want to hang out with me, instead she CHOSE to go be miserable about some guy who isn't going to change!! I invited her to lunch... my treat!! She declined. She told me that she wasn't hungry and that she'd already eaten... okay, let me back up a tad bit. She used to be a curvy girl. Not fat or overweight or anything, she had a really nice figure that men really liked. She was well proportioned. She lost a TON of weight. Now she's super skinny AND OBSESSED with jogging to keep the weight off. I don't judge her for wanting to change her appearance, but when she blows me off becuase she doesn't want to eat because she's afraid of gaining a pound... I'm thinking she's lost her dang mind!! Anywho, she told me that she'd eaten already. Then when she called me back to gripe about this guy, she let on to the fact that she actually ate when we'd gotten off of the phone a couple hours earlier. THEN to top it all off... she told me she had to go throw up a donut she'd just eaten!! LoL!! I couldn't help but laugh!! I told her I didn't know hwo she was anymore... I don't even think she knows anymore... she laughed too!! Who throws up donuts?? She's half my size and still concerned about her weight. I'm not a big girl either... I'm not super skinny, but I'm not fat. Media has gotten to her and she's lost herself to what society thinks she should be. I couldn't bear telling her that being bulemic is just as unhealthy as being overweight. She doesn't know that the stomach acid will completely DESTROY her teeth... I think to myself... poor thing!! Again, I have my flaws... but I'm not weighed down by them. This is HUGE... and most people don't even know it. I'm ecstatic that I'm able to accept me for me and it doesn't matter to me what some else's opinion of me is... although, I am at times a hypocrite... I'm highly opinionated, I'm just now learning how to keep some of my opinions to myself!! LoL!! But I'm a better person for it... I guess I'm tired now. I KNOW what's bothering me and I KNOW that it's in direct conflict with my own personal beliefs, but I have yet to speak up... perhaps part of me wants to get a feel for what really is, but that means that I'm second-guessing myself and I don't like that feeling. Perhaps another part me believes that I can incite change... I'm HUGE on wanting to right injustices for ALL people and ALL things, but I'm little ol' me and I'm content with touching the lives of the people who are fortunate enough to cross paths with me... (see what I mean about being arrogant??) LoL!! I'm going back to sleep now!!


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Beautifly
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total posts: 70
Posted on Wed, Sep 13, 2006 20:16

That's NNY!! That's EXACTLY how I view my world!! Full of color!!


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Beautifly
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total posts: 70
Posted on Wed, Sep 13, 2006 19:41

Well thanks!! You're pretty cool yourself!!


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