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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Sat, Sep 09, 2006 17:51

Should you give a cheating partner another chance?

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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Thu, Nov 09, 2006 14:22

sharp1.. I can relate to what you are saying..sometimes it seems our options are limited..then we may feel stuck or trapped...this can be a life tied to misery...its like you are damned if you leave an damned if you don't....Everyone has their own strength ..and beliefs...when the foundation has a crack..is it worth keeping or trying to repair....Staying in a bad or toxic relationship for the children's sake is not a good choice..when there is abuse and cheating this can be both traumatic and damaging..especially for a male child...who see's is Father disrespect his mother with abuse and cheating....this child boy may grow up thinking this is ok...and it is not...a girl child will see men as liars ...she will see and experience the hurt and suffering her mother goes through...she will most likely grow up with issues dealing with trust and men..This goes both ways..if the Mother does the cheating or if the mother is abusive to the Father...All makes for a toxic atmosphere...unhealthy in its essence....I feel if counseling isn't an option or doesn't work...then end it...if for no other reason but the children's sake...after all they did not ask to be here...we brought them into the world...should we now make them suffer for our mistakes... Children do quite well in a healthy ..loving ..safe atmosphere..of course there will be problems..and issues...but there will be the lack of chaos...in the home.. a feeling of solidarity..trust..warmth...love... Making a home with a peaceful serene environment for children is paramount to their emotional health.. As for our attorneys...the more complicated the case the better they like it...Not all are this way ..there are some really great attorneys out there who actually give a damn....I salute them...... Thanks for posting Erica Anne @}-------------------


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LatinPrincess4U
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Posted on Thu, Nov 09, 2006 08:28

"NEGATIVE", once a cheater, always a cheater!!, besides if he felt the need to cheat it meant there was something very wrong in the relationship, & even if there were, that person owed me respect and say something as easy as "I dont want to be with you anymore", vs going behind my back & making a fool of me!!, capich??, KARINA


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Wed, Nov 08, 2006 21:35

Frank I understand your point..once betrayed and the trust has been broken...it almost takes a miracle..to move forward...without reflection of past hurts pain and disappointments..I have always said I would never ever give someone a second chance...but I did...and he did it again..and again... so there you have it... Thank you for the sweet compliment you are a great looking guy Frank...I am sure you will have no problem with finding a lady here...Check out Mailorderman's Christmas Invitation Blog...lots of great ladies there.... You never know.... Welcome to MM... Erica Anne @}----------


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endangeredspecies
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Posted on Wed, Nov 08, 2006 09:19

Southernstarr, I firmly believe once a cheater always a cheater. If thy found a reason to do it the first time they will find a reason to do it again.I have many friends that I have watched over the years that cheat and their spouse takes them back and they do it again and again. I don't accept it and I can hang my hat on the fact that I have NEVER cheated. Its a darn shame you don't live closer or I don't live closer cause I would love to show you how a man should treat a woman as beautiful and caring as you sound. Frank


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Tue, Nov 07, 2006 14:19

Daylight has found me here again You can ask me anything, but where I've been Things that used to matter seem so small When you're looking for a soft place to fall Don't misunderstand me, baby, please I didn't mean to bring back memories You should know the reason why I called I was looking for a soft place to fall Looking for a soft place Nothing more than a small taste Of a love that ended long ago Looking for a place to hide A warm bed on a cold night I didn't mean to hurt you No, no, no Looking out your window at the dawn Baby, when you wake up, I'll be gone You're the one who taught me after all How to find a soft place to fall You're the one who taught me after all How to find a soft place to fall


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Sat, Nov 04, 2006 19:54

Marianne..you are right...it isn't healthy...there are a lot of sick damaged people out there....I have always said and felt the same...Perhaps even felt stronger ...but its like the old adage states..never say never...We grow and we learn...sometimes we take the heart ache and disappointment and swallow it...we want to believe in the good...people are not always good...there are monsters...and there are beings out there walking around with empty holes where the heart should be....we pay for believing in the good sometimes..sometimes we pay too dearly.....my point is...we still should look for the good...believe that most are inherently good...we should try to understand...that we are living in a sick world...and all we can do is make the best of it...the best way we can....even if it means forgiving someone who has just broken our heart. Thanks for posting... Erica Anne @)-------


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Sat, Nov 04, 2006 19:17

Helifox...I understand your feelings...deserving a second chance can be relative to ones's situation...one needs to dig deeper...ask what is at risk..take a look at the character...Is it just a one time event...or is it the tip of the iceberg ..I believe we all would like to give a second chance to those we love..but sometimes the heart and the head will not let us do this...betraying another's trust this way...is serious business..the damage goes right to the heart...I don't really believe it is about punishing...or trying to hurt back...I believe that the pain is just too great and just too much to bare......trust is the foundation of a relationship...once broken...It is almost impossible to re establish....for some it isn't even an option. I feel if a person chooses to cheat..they must be aware of the consiquences...and be ready to accept what comes their way.... Thanks for posting...


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Sat, Nov 04, 2006 10:44

Lovelife.. An emphatic..yes..I would want to know....absolutely...my ex cheated...it is just in some men's blood they can't help it...I don't know what it is ..I have been on the opposite side...as you have described in your post...there are just some men who just cheat...it is in their blood....it does not matter if they have a great life ..wife..or whatever...It isn't always about not feeling full filled or loved...It is not always about that empty pit we sometimes try to fill up...It isn't about that trap...we have somehow find ourselves in...Some men do this by nature...they are just not meant to be with one woman...they simply cannot do it...they are constantly swimming like sharks..always hunting always keeping an eye out....no one woman is enough for them..... It isn't about you or their wife...it is about their need ..their desire..... their insecurity...their need to validate who they are through other women.... This is sad...its pathetic..because with each life they touch that person will suffer in someway..As for getting into the mix...I don't know...I tried this with my best girlfriend...her guy was always after me...we had problems with this before..with another...she quit talking to me for three months...he told her I had come on to him....then he went back and told her the truth..that this was not the case...the second time she was dating another man from Germany...tall dark handsome...and he was a womanizer...I never felt comfortable with him...I was invited to dinner one night..the moment she got up and left for the powder room he was after me...when she came back I was so upset and trembling so much that I told her that had to go that I couldn't stay for dinner...I just wanted to leave....she walked me out to the car...I told her what happened and that she needed to put a muzzle on him...she laughed if off and said he didn't mean anything by it.....I hugged her got into my car..still trembling...as I drove away...I knew in my heart that I would not see her again...not as long as he was around....long story short...so we parted ways....this broke my heart... she was an extremely jealous woman..but would not believe that she was choosing toxic men...she through away our friendship....for a man that will only create a lifetime of misery for her.... So for me...I just don't know the best path to take....Its a flip of the coin..really...Its one of those events ..where one is damned if you don't and damned if you do.... thanks for posting... Erica Anne@)-------------


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Fri, Nov 03, 2006 20:07

The other side of the coin is... Is looking at their motivation... Motivation is more important than the act itself. If you know why they cheated, then it's possible to avoid having the same triggers repeated. Were you emotionally and physically distant for so long that you may as well have pushed them into finding love elsewhere? We are a love hungry species. Our spirits die when we do not feel loved. The body will follow. You've heard of the old couples who die within a short time of each other. You've also seen the studies they've done with the baby monkeys who don't thrive and grow without their mamas. It's the way of us to seek love. That's our supreme motivator. So look at what caused the infidelity. If you can honestly say that yes you were completely loving and supportive and they cheated anyway, then you may want to consider walking away from them. If they give you some other reason that makes absolute sense to you, and you can truly see it as a forgivable reason, then so be it. Forgive them. If they don't have a reason that makes sense to you, then don't forgive them. The next thing to evaluate is what is at stake.What kind of a life have you built together and what does it mean to you? Do you have children together? A long marriage? A business and material wealth? What if you don't think you can trust them and yet you will lose everything that you do love by leaving them? That's something that only you can answer. Is the money, the marriage, the children worth a lifetime of being cheated on? You decide. Maybe it's a marriage of convenience anyway and you really don't care where they sleep. Then it's going to be much easier to forgive them then if they are your one true love and your emotional health is at risk by having your heart shattered. As you know, there are plenty of reasons to choose not to forgive and forget. But what if you have created a long beautiful life together and your partner is a wonderful parent to your children? What if you feel just as much to blame for the infidelity because you had pushed them away for too long. What if they had made an honest effort to work things out with you but you just kept pushing them away? What then? Just because you want to forgive them doesn't mean that you can forgive them. How do you forgive and forget? How do you believe in them again...how does one rebuild the trust and faith lost....how does one make the pain go away.......Can we ever really ever fully trust again..... Erica @)----------


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Posted on Fri, Nov 03, 2006 16:03

Chancesare..."It's unfortunate when either cheats. Either party is wrong, regardless of gender. But when a woman cheats, it is so much more damaging. Men might just be looking for strange, or fall to temptation. Women who cheat have already given up on the relationship." What an interesting analogy between men & women. You are probably right. I can't speak from the perspective of women who cheat, but it's probably no different than when a woman decides she is never having sex with her spouse again. She feels no love toward him, it's over. Unless both are content to remain in a celibate marriage.


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Posted on Fri, Nov 03, 2006 08:51

"Interesting though how many of us will try mend a relationship, and make 'even more allowances' for a cheating partners weakness." Pauline... Love is so powerful. When people (male/female) truly love their partner, they will forgive and overlook many things, including adultery. But for someone people, adultery is the ultimate act that is unforgiveable, and they will divorce without blinking an eye.


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Posted on Fri, Nov 03, 2006 08:41

"instead of working with our partners..it seems easier to just cast them aside...jump that fence....unless that is if one has a conscience and is worried about the children...or perhaps just has too much money tied up in it..." Southernstarr... many people say they continue in a bad marriage because of the kids. Tell me this...is it healthy for kids to learn and observed from an unhealthy relationship ... especially when many of these bad relationships have alot of fighting occurring. Or is it better to end it, both move on possibly finding someone they can having a loving relationship with...hence the kids are now able to observe and learn what a real loving relationship is about...public displays of affection (within reason, no hands down the pants guys! lol)...holding hands, arm around her shoulder, kisses, laughter... I think the latter. Also, younger kids, even early teenagers are more resilient and accepting of their parents divorcing. Older more adult kids are not. Especially if adultery is the case. Whichever parent committed the adulter, often adult children will resent that parent and want nothing to do with them...for years. This is what I've witnessed over the years with other people's experiences. Unfortunately, due to finances so many people are tied into their marriages, because they just can't afford to make it on their own. I have a friend who is married to a lawyer, but the housing prices here have quadrupled in the past 2 yrs...they can't afford to split up right now and maintain the lifestyle they are accustomed to. BTW...lawyers in Canada make a fraction what lawyers in US make, as is true in most industries.


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Posted on Thu, Nov 02, 2006 15:11

everybody has the right to get a new chance. We all learn out of mistakes we cant learn by doing something right. We all should learn to accept mistakes of the other cause nobody will be perfect. And all the mistakes will be counted at the end of our trip on this earth.


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Thu, Nov 02, 2006 14:57

Pauline..I do understand you are in a sense saying you can't go back. This is true..I agree there is something intangible lost...when someone commits an infidelity...there are serious issues that need to be addressed..there are so many reasons ..excuses...and justifications...but even so the damage is done...and the trust and faith broken..a very difficult thing to get back..or to rebuild or re establish...We are plagued with advertising by way of commercials... ...magazines...movies.. etc..that are about beauty...sex..and the dream of Mr. or Ms. Perfect... ...when a partner is unhappy and sees these he or she begin to think and they may begin to wonder just what they are missing...temptation is everywhere...if we don't get what we want or need from our partners...hey there is the office..friends of friends...clubs...sports...the Internet...etc..one does not even have to leave the bedroom to cheat...and we are weak..we are in a throw away world...instead of working with our partners..it seems easier to just cast them aside...jump that fence....unless that is if one has a conscience and is worried about the children...or perhaps just has too much money tied up in it...then they may think what will a little cheating do...what if I get caught..she or he will forgive ...or will they...it all means a break down of trust...we have nothing without it..this is why second chances can be so difficult...for when the heart has been damaged in this way...It is scarred for life...


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Tue, Oct 31, 2006 19:48

What are you doing Bill?


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Tue, Oct 31, 2006 19:20

Mandalay...when I speak of cheating...I am referring to a committed relationship...where two people are exclusive...have an understanding.....or married.... Dale..I feel " love " is the key word here...I believe with all my heart that if you love someone...you just do not cheat...end of story...Cheating is not a little problem...it is a serious red flag waving ..it is a symptom of something really wrong somewhere..... Tom..I agree a lie is something that cannot be built on...It is a crack in the foundation of trust and truth....There is an old saying when caught ..." Deny ..Deny...Deny..."...this only deepens the heart break...


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Sun, Oct 22, 2006 15:13

LL2 ..I have experienced the same..its almost like..the more they protest ...or question your character and your behavior...it is just a cover to their infidelities...My ex had a detective ...watching me...when he was running with three women...I used to think it was because he was just so insecure..now I am more inclined to believe he just wanted to know my where abouts 24/7.....so he could play.... I do understand your pain..I know this is difficult to understand..but...I feel it is important to try not to blame ourselves..we tend to do this...what have I done to cause this...where did I go wrong...what is wrong with me...these are questions we ask our selves..because cheating creates self doubt with us...people who cheat are usually very insecure very unhappy...unstable...selfish....we try...to find reason ..when there is no reason sometimes..some people just cheat because that is what they do.... Thank you for posting Erica Anne @}-------


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southernstarr2006
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Posted on Sun, Oct 22, 2006 14:55

LP. ..I agree there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting...and when you truly love someone..and they do this..the pain can seem almost unbearable...you really have to ask yourself ..can I go on...can I do this...Is what we share worth it....there are so many factors...my experience with this was tragic...and I was not in love...I can't even begin to conceive of how I would feel if I were deeply in love with someone...It is all about trust..having faith...and the ability to truly forgive..for our hearts certainly never forget...... 75th ranger it is good to see you again....you do seem to have a forgiving and understanding spirit... as for all those temptations...we are human and we are selfish..this is about control..priorities...we have to make good and right choices ..understanding that our actions may have far reaching consequences on those we love.. Thank you both for posting... Erica Anne @)----------


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Mandalay207
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Posted on Thu, Oct 19, 2006 03:38

The answer lies within you. Everyone has a different view of this topic and of course relationships as a whole. The main question is the actual status of the relationship. Was it a committed relationship or was it just "dating?" If it was a committed relationship, what defined that status? If it was a committed relationship there are so many factors to think about prior to accepting and forgiving the infidelity. If it was just "dating" and this transpired...I say NEXT! If someone tells you they are not sleeping with others while dating you, it's about trust. If that trust is broken...NEXT!!


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