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Beautifly
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Posted on Thu, Sep 07, 2006 01:06

So obviously, this comes about from reading StarFinder's blog... How soon, if not upfront, should someone disclose their problematic medical history?? I have been in a similar situation, except I didn't know until 3yrs later that the person I was sleeping with had herpes. FORTUNATELY, he never had an outbreak until after we stopped sleeping together (which is why he told me) and I never got it. I know that I don't have it because of how frequently I visit the doctor/hospital. I, myself, have a condition which requires me to be hospitalized on average twice a year. I'm not contagious or anything, but it's a lot to deal with... even for me. I've had this issue for as long as I can remember, but only started being hospitalized for it when I was 12yrs old... I'm 30 now. That's a long time!! With the new guy that I'm dating, I told him about it on the first date, but I think only because it came up... don't remember how, but it did. Fortunately, he doesn't have an issue with me having less than perfect health... so far at least. He's actually intent on getting me healthier. Ha! Something just occurred to me... he remembered and I forgot that I told him!! With other guys, perhaps I wouldn't have said anything so soon... I've dated some guys just as I was entering a weak phase. They didn't understand and thought I was just lazy when in actuality I just didn't have energy to do anything other than get up to use the bathroom... and that's only because I have to... getting up at times is extremely painful. Often times I feel embarassed that my health isn't as up to par as it should be... living in a health-conscious society and all. Why should I feel embarassed?? This is the way God made me... I didn't contract any disease. And sometimes I would feel like I'm "less than" other people. Over the years I've learned how to articulate to other's what goes on with me in a way that they'll understand. In fact, I've gotten so good at it that I make it sound as though it isn't even really a big deal when truthfully, I've been close to death on more than one occassion. I do this because I don't want to be treated any differently than I would be if I did have perfect health. You can't look at me and tell that I have health issues... I'm fortunate for that because people already judge waaay too much. When it comes down to it, I really want someone who's going to be there for me when I'm weak. At one point, I lost 15lbs. in a matter of 2 to 3 weeks because I couldn't feed myself... I could put food in my mouth, but I couldn't get up to get it so I would go days without eating. Not that I want someone to wait on me hand and foot, but when it comes down to it.... when I get sick, that's what I need. I NEED someone to take care of me when I can't do it for myself. I don't know too many men who feel like they want to be needed... not in that way at least. I know it's a burden... it's still a burden to my family members even after all of these years. The only people I can count on to be there for me are my father and grandmother, but it's difficult for me to pull them away from their lives to help me tend to mine. Especially my grandmother... she has her own health issues. So back to my original question... when is it a good time to tell someone about health issues?? Although, I've told the guy I'm dating and he's understanding, he hasn't gone through the rough part with me yet. And I probably wouldn't have told him had it not come up... not so soon at least. Actually, the more I think about it... I'm kinda glad that I've told him already. He's very caring and aware. He makes jokes about it, and then, suddenly I remember that I told him and we laugh together. How does everyone else feel about this? How soon would you want to know about someone's problematic health? Would you date someone who has to be hospitalized often?? What if you're the one with the issue... how soon do you disclose the info about your health... or do you at all?


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CDinCO
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Posted on Thu, Sep 07, 2006 14:00

All I have to say from my own experiences is your problem isn't going to go away with time so the best thing to do is to get it out on the table as soon as you feel comfortable. I brought this out as a blog when I first joined to, with regard to a friend and her mental illness. She is still afraid to tell people. She told one and now they are just friends, but when you say certain "titles" it CAN make people run. So, here's MY advise, as I told my friend. Get to know the person and see how you feel he might react to disclosure early on. In the case of my friend, she is completely healthy and it's undetectible because she does EVERYTHING she's supposed to do and does not try to fool herself that she'll ever get better. So, I advised her to wait it out, maybe 2-3 months into a relationship. That should be ample time to FIRST, see if there should be a relationship to pursue and SECOND, what kind of a man he is and whether or not the illness arises in the meantime. Other than that, I'm not sure when/if there is a right time. We all have our problems, whether an illness or a disease or not, so it's hard to judge on an individual basis until you get to that position. When you try it, please let me know.


Courtney :)

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Beautifly
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Posted on Thu, Sep 07, 2006 09:07

Amanda, this is my point. Suppose you wait until you're comfy with that person before you tell them... what if they then tell you they didn't sign up for playing the role of nurse-maid and that you shoud've told them sooner?? Then what? Sepelo, which end of the spectrum have you been on? AngelGirl, I don't think a man has to be completely smitten. I think he just needs to have a caring heart. But then again... I don't have any of the terrible diseases that you've mentioned; so perhaps one probably would have to be completely smitten... I wouldn't know. I've never been on the reverse end.


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AmandaRenee
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Posted on Thu, Sep 07, 2006 08:55

I have health issues too and I can only spread them to my children if I ever have any. I think it all depends on how comfy you feel with someone as to when to tell them.


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sepelo7
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Posted on Thu, Sep 07, 2006 04:56

I think each situation is different. Like you said, it just came up naturally to tell the guy on the first date. Typically I dont think the 1st date is appropriate though. I think you can sense when the time is right. I have had 2 "run ins" with this kind of a situation and both times the outcome was successful because the TIMING was correct.


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