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perihelion
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Posted on Tue, Aug 22, 2006 13:52

Stray WANDER: as a : to wander from company, restraint, or proper limits b : to roam about without fixed direction or purpose c : to move in a winding course : MEANDER d : to move without conscious or intentional effort e : to become distracted from an argument or chain of thought f : to wander accidentally from a fixed or chosen route g : ERR, SIN It started as a regular lunch with my friends, the usual banter and jokes back and forth but somehow we ended up in a pretty heated discussion on a subject of cheating and when EXACTLY it starts... Nobody could agree and opinions were ranging from "it starts the moment that very idea popped into your head" to "it's only cheating when you do the deed" with "you're ok for as long as you are on "watch but don't touch" diet and don't contemplate any further actions" in the middle. And what was remarkable, the Great Divide was more or less gender-biased, the ladies were leaning toward idea that even emotional attachment is enough to qualify as straying, where the boys were more traditional in viewing it as purely physical action... As long as there have been relationships there has been infidelity... a problem as old as this world, and something that still provides soap opera stars and PIs with a steady paycheck! Let's set aside those chronic cases like "never can keep his pants up/her skirt down", but what about the "regular folks" who's eyes and hands and other body parts usually don't wander around lol Times have change, so have straying tactics. Before a cheating spouse/partner did not have much to chose from: pick up somebody at the bar, cheap hotel, co-workers... In the 21st century the full menu of options has been expanded dramatically. Especially when there is an instant gratification aspect to it! You can virtually hook up with anybody anywhere in the world, and while you are in your safe element, you can pretend to be ANYBODY you ever wanted to be and the best part of it - to remain totally anonymous! For single men and women this is probably just a harmless fun game, but if you are involved or live with a partner or married, it is probably as damaging as "physical wandering". Entering this danger zone is not as harmless as people think.... your partner begins to exclude you from his/her deeply intimate or sensual conversations, robbing of that attention that should be given to a committed relationship, using energy that your primary relationship needs. ... There is no physical contact, there is no risk of getting an STD or getting somebody pregnant, or even getting caught (especially if your partner is not computer savvy) yet emotional affairs with their deceit and betrayal, emotional infidelity may eventually lead to a little crack in trust between two people, which in time may become the size of Grand Canyon. When does this all start? Does it start with pure physical frustration? unfulfilled fantasies? or a lack of communication? or lack of trust? or fear to be misunderstood, judged and laughed at? or your upbringing, including religious, would not let you open up completely and define and discover things you very curious or even obsessed about? And that's why people turn to faceless cyber "friends" somewhere in Timbuktu for sexual satisfaction, and what's more important, for understanding, support and non-judgemental sympathetic ear? And they actually FIND IT!!! A committed relationship is based, among other things, on honesty and uncommunicated expectations. Mistakenly assuming that you "know well" the person you live with and how your mate feels about certain topics and not keeping things in check is maybe one of the reasons for this evolved type of straying... As we grow older and change (and boy do we change!), I guess we forget to make sure we are still on the same page with our partners not only about our current jobs, finances, kids, housekeeping and sex but about what still glues us together as a couple, and your personal needs in this relationship. I was lucky enough to have never experienced or been affected by neither old-fashined cheating nor this new trend, but lack of communication had definitely contributed to my marriage fiasco and that's why I am here in cyberspace writing these words.... Maybe expression "WE NEED TO TALK", those four words so feared by many, should not be the last resort to figure out what's going on in your world as a couple... Check out this pic below - priceless!!!

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perihelion
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Posted on Thu, Aug 24, 2006 07:04

Actually has anybody seen the movie "Unfaithful" with Diane Lane and Richard Gere? What do you think of it and its ending? How do you see that couple let's say in 5 years from the moment the movie ended?


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perihelion
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Posted on Wed, Aug 23, 2006 19:47

Geniek, One great writer, Leo Tolstoy (whom you might remember as the author of "War and Peace"), once said: "Every happy marriage (couple) is happy in exactly the same way, but every unhappy marriage is unique in its misery" What a profound statement! I agree that reasons for cheating may vary from a very prosaic "had too much to drink, started flirting, ended up in bed with a stranger, don't remember half of it" to a finely crafted art of straying... I don't know what happened with that Steven-Emily couple on the billboard, still it's not the billboard that's horrible, but that Steve got caught (just kidding!) You do have valid points - finances, kids... BUT... I know a few couples who have an open agreement with each other "if I don't satisfy you in a certain area of our life, you're free to find somebody who would, on one condition that we still cohabit on the same territory for (kids, finances, etc insert a proper word) sake". Knowing that this scenario would not exactly fly with the majority of couples, I would like to know why would people go through pretending that everything is fine, putting together an Oscar calibre performance covering their infidelity, suffering in silence, all that knowing that they are miserable together? Especially after "having tried everything"... Kids? Every child psychologist will back me up on the following: children will benefit from being around separately/independently happy, content parents than two miserable and unhappy together! Children, especially older ones, are not blind or deaf, they can not only hear parents arguing, they can also sense tension in the air. So when people say: "I don't want to hurt my kids", they actually DO...Finances? Well... money vs. happiness... I guess everybody chooses what they need. I prefer to have less but to remain my happy self... but that's just my humble personal opinion EliteTraveler, don't know what made you think that I was venting... as I clearly stated, I've never been on "giving or receiving" side of this problem (thank goodness), so obviously I am NOT an expert here (smile), I was just speculating on the subject so to speak, that's what blogging is all about. Just like you I've learned my lessons and moved on and the most important lesson would be, yes, a mature approach to communication with your partner. Back to your question: if every time a man looked at a woman like that and if it was considered a "sin", than hell would be one overcrowded fun place! Chose heaven for climate, hell for society, or so they say? lol Sixtilio, I am yet to experience success, so I better buckle up ;o) NativeNY, "If sin begins in the mind than I know I'm doomed to hell :-) " I guess me too, I'd never kick Brad Pitt out of my bed... LOL

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EliteTraveler
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Posted on Wed, Aug 23, 2006 16:18

Wow perihelion, Sounds as though you've been reflecting on this reality check for awhile...I hear you venting... I too succumbed to that communication-eater in my marriage so can identify with your thoughts...but we've learned; moved on and are better for it right :-D. On straying/wandering....Mmmmmm. Often times when I see an attractive woman, you may catch me with a look of admiration but with respect (I think). If it gets to the point of oggling, then of course I would have to approach her to give her an appropriate compliment. My thoughts aren't necessarily lustful nor do I immediately have have intimate fantasies. Would that be wrong? One of the most satisfying relationships I've ever shared was being able to freely communicate my thoughts no matter what the subject. I think it had something to do with maturity. Things are easier via cyberspace especially for those that don't particularly have time for an avid social life...however, just as easy for those in committed relationships; its so easy to innocently gain friends through chat rooms and quickly lose all sense of responsibility. Remember the movie "You've Got Mail" :-D.

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sepelo7
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Posted on Wed, Aug 23, 2006 06:08

omggggg that billboard is priceless


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