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szeman
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Posted on Thu, Jun 06, 2013 21:27

I know that there are men out there that don't think this, but I might as well post this double standard.

On other dating sites when I mentioned that I am almost 40 and never been married, some men feel sorry for me, and say something like "But you're so beautiful, how come you've never been married?" This bothers me for two reasons that I will mention later.

Now for a man who never married and is turning 40, that is a different story. No one feels sorry for him.

Now, there are times that I wanted to cry when some guy says this, and other times I am thinking that I am not the only beautiful 40 year old woman that has never been married. There are many. In fact there are many beautiful 50 and 60 year old women that never been married. What's wrong with that?



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Posted on Mon, Jun 17, 2013 11:53

Speaking as a previously married man, I don't believe it's so much a question of double standard as it is what is wrong with you hidden in that question. I understand that not many women will just jump in and take the plunge. I was married 22 yrs ago and it didnt last 3 years. After that I am not willing to do it again until I am absolutely sure. There is nothing wrong with not getting married no matter your age.



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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Fri, Jun 07, 2013 20:20

Hi JOMO....

 

 

 

I AGREE with you.... I ask questions if a man has never been married and I wonder all the things I put on the list... 

 

 

 

In the same vein, I also ask questions of why someone feels they got divorced, as they could be from the same list!!! LOL... 

 

 

 

Personally, when a man starts only faulting the wife, I feel he has learned little, has no growth and development and is someone who can never be pleased or takes any responsibility for his own faulters... HUGE RED FLAG!! 

 

 

 

GOOD TO SEE YOU JOMO...  (and glad you confirmed from a man's point of view!) 

 

 

 

Hey SZE-- Thanks for explaining a bit of the pagen stuff.. I wasn't allowed to be exposed to other religions or anything like that as a child, so I lack in knowledge there...

 

 

 

Glad to hear you don't let it bother you.... I could see where perhaps a man might just ask, just to have something to open up a conversation while trying to compliment you. 

 

 

 

When they ask me why I havent remarried in 13 years, I just say.. 

 

 

 

"I dont have a 3rd foot to shoot!" Bwahahahahahaha!! ;)



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szeman
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Posted on Fri, Jun 07, 2013 19:58

Paganism is an umbrella term, meaning from the Country side. So it is a religion that is more about worshiping the earth. Wiccan is a part of that.

As for never being married and 40. I'm not too concerned about it. The reason being there are beautiful women like me that are in the same boat. The only famous example that I can think of right now is Cameron Diaz. I know there is more.

I just think that some of these men think that all beautiful women get married in their 20s. That's not always true. There's more to marrying someone than just looks.



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jomo1983
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Posted on Fri, Jun 07, 2013 18:29

I dont think there is a double standard. Men who remain unmarried face the same battery of questions to find out what is wrong with them that women do. Many people, right or wrong, find it odd that someone would reach 40 or 50 years of age without marrying.

 

 



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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Fri, Jun 07, 2013 14:54

Hi SZEMAN--- 

 

 

 

LOL.. That is tooooo funny!! I've had friends before who were Wiccan... Is that pagen? I don't really know all the terms, or what religion things refer, or pagen I guess is not religion etc.. My Wiccan friend would light candles and talk about good aura, etc... I'm so new to religion though, I don't even know the differences between denominations.. Therefore, I'm not one! ;)

 

The "word" actually starts with a "B" though. HAHA! 

 

SZE, I just think everyone has to come to terms with WHO we are and the positon of WHERE we are at in life, and just roll with it... If some guy makes you feel sad or tells you he feels sorry for you B/C you've never been married, pay no mind to him dear... You could even be sarcastic (that's my way.. I find it very effective w/ men.. LOL) and say something like,

 

 

"Yeah, I really regret I haven't had children and been through a nasty divorce pitting them in the middle of all the nastiness! What a pity!"  <---- Now be sure and *sigh real heavy while saying! LOL.. 

 

But yes, I think these type questions are common, as well as serious, IF the guy sees you as a serious contender. Otherwise, he may just be being a jerk trying to amke you feel badly, and f that's the case... FORGETABOUTUM..

 

I wonder about a man myself; SO DON'T THINK TI IS ONE SAIDED.. IT IS NOT!! BUT,,,, the important thing for me is not his status that "is or never was"-- it's his answer as to WHY... 

 

Chin up chickie!! The "perfect man" for you awaits and will accept all of you for who you are-- witch and all.. LOL.. Just like the "perfect man" for me awaits and will accept all the issues of my past I have been forced to deal with; and at one time, didn't deal real well with... 

 

It's just a matter of time is all! ;) 



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szeman
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Posted on Fri, Jun 07, 2013 11:51

Hoping4Love,

Strangely and honestly, I am a praticing Pagan. So yes I am a witch and I am proud of it. LOL



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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Fri, Jun 07, 2013 05:10

HI SZEMAN---

 

And THANKS for yet ANOTHER Original and Worthy topic! 

 

I refer this as the "Witch and Whore Syndrome."

 

Although I don't feel beauty "should' or even does have anything to do with the comments;

here is what I find.. 

 

A. If a woman has never been married by 40, she's a WITCH! (The prettier, the "witchier!")

B. If a man hasn't, he's a WHORE! LOL... 

 

The "Wise and Seasoned" deduce:

 

IF a Woman OR Man has not been married by the "ripe old age of 40."  ;)

 

UNACCEPTABLE REASONS FOR ME?

 

1) Are they impossible to get along with?

2) Can they never be pleased?

3) Commitment phobes? 

4) Chronic partiers?

5) Unrealistic expectations in a relationship?

6) Too self-centered to sacrifice in order for a long lasting relationship to work? 

 

MORE ACCEPTABLE REASONS:

7) Is successful and has focused all this time on building a career. Now realizes "work" is not all there is to life and wants to settle down and live "life" and not live a career. 

8) "I've been in a monogomous relationship before for 10 years, but I guess we always "knew" we weren't "the one" for each other. I now know what I need to establish in a relationship to commit to the next level. 

9) "I've had successful relationships that have lasted longer than many marriages; but, never felt I wanted to commit to marriage since we never wanted children."  

10) I am a father, (or mother,) and very devoted to them; but, the other party and I never wanted to marry, especially with the divorce rate so prevelent. 

 

Personally, I find it to be extremely VALID to want to know WHY a person has not married by 40. I'm not saying the reasoning may not be valid, but, if a man is not married or has children by 40, I WANT TO KNOW WHY... Reasons 1-6 are PRIMARY REASONS NOT to try and establish a relationship. 

 

Sorry, but it IS a red flag, and in many cases has to do with #1-6 and therefore is VITAL in moving forward or not. 

 

BUT, what concerns me most? 

 

When someone says, "I DON'T KNOW!" 

 

If an individual is not self-aware enough to answer this question.... I RUN FOR THE HILLS!! 

 

Don't focus on the part where the guy puts in "beautiful," that's only an adjective... 

 

What he's REALLY asking is... 

 

ARE YOU TOO DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH? Or is there a chance this could work? 

 

The sad reality? If you marry at 40 for the first time, you have a better chance of marriage survival than any of us who have been divorced, even once. 

 

The other sad reality? Birth defect chances rise once a woman OR a man hits 40. The chances of birth defects double at 50... EVEN FOR A MAN! 

 

Sorry the question has made you sad SZEMAN... But it really can be a valid question for anyone to ask. It's akin to the same reasoning behind when a man asks me, "WHY ARE YOU DIVORCED?" A man seeking to establish a relationship with me has EVERY RIGHT to want to know WHAT my "ISSUES" were, and IF I have figured them out and "fixed" myself..... 

 

People tend to focus more on THE OTHER PERSON as to WHY relationships fizzle... When really, they need to focus more on themselves and what THEY did wrong. 

 

If ANY individual has not been able to establish a long lasting relationship with the opposite sex at the age of 40, it would serve them better to focus more on the WHY NOT, than the other party. And if they HAVE established long term relationship, but never married, perhaps they don't believe in marriage, which is acceptable, but may be a reason for the new other party not to move forward. 

 

Most of us who are divorced, STILL BELIEVE IN THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE. 

 

Like I said, TAKE THE BEAUTIFUL PART OUT... B/C that isn't really what he's asking... 

 

Hope this helps, and you will feel better when a man asks you that question, if you are comfortable with your answer. How do I know?

 

Because men ask me all the time, "How is it you are so beautiful and not taken?"

 

I laugh and say, "Because I haven't found the one that fires up my HEMI!"  ;) 

 



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lostinthe70s
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Posted on Fri, Jun 07, 2013 00:05

I think guys get a bad rap if they are not married before 40. People think they are gay, commitment phobes or emotionally unstable. I married my first husband at 40 and he was 45. It was his first marriage as well.

 



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