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ARE YOU BAKED? Christmas cookies Sort by:
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Posted on Dec 17, 2012 at 11:01 PM

I like to fancy myself a good mother, but if there is a list of qualifications I think I might just come out on the short end of the not so long bus. I’m kind of retarded when it comes to most things domestic. I really thought that I was going to be a kick ass mom but most of the time I just feel like I get my ass kicked. Take Christmas cookies for example. I’ve been scrolling through post after post on facebook this holiday season and it seems that all the “cool” mom’s have been baking. It has been cookie porn since Thanksgiving and I should know because I have most definitely been getting off on the pictures. If you are shocked by this you shouldn’t be. My addiction to junk food has been well documented and at one time I carried the proof in my ass. I was living so large that my behind went all the way “Back to the Future” and into the sequels. 


I don’t do much baking these days… or ever. 


I’ve never been into cooking or baking for that matter. I’m an instant gratification kind of girl and being hungry makes me lazy and so does being full. Culinary art seems like a big production especially when the end result is something I will later need to work off at the gym. I didn’t feel bad about skipping out on making Christmas cookies until I realized that I was actually missing out on her, my daughter. Some of the best memories from my own childhood were of me baking with my mom. No scratch that, I don’t think I baked with her much at all. If I do recall right I boycotted Betty Crocker because I was just “too cool”, but hot damn did I run out of my room with a quickness when my mom hollered out, “Do you want to lick the beaters??” That was of course before eating "raw and under cooked foods causes salmonella"; back in the good old days when the batter was a treat and not child abuse. I LOVED to lick the beaters like I loved my “Easy Bake” oven. I didn’t use that to bake either. I took it apart and used the light bulb to iron my Barbie clothes. 


So tonight I decided that I can bake. Just like that it came to be that I am a master pastry chef and each bite would be a gift. Yes, you heard me right, I intend to give the cookies away as Christmas gifts. Sapphire and I stood in line at THE DOLLAR TREE today so I could get my cookie bags and boxes. I couldn’t decide which would dress my ghetto parfait all the more so I bought both, bags and boxes.  I even splurged and got bows which put me just a tad over budget. I spent nearly seven whole dollars in that petri dish store of odd humans. Call me a snob but I think there really is something wrong with people. I don’t mind being on the list either because like I said I was standing in the same line. Yikes!! 


I then braved both Target and the grocery store to get the ingredients for the cookies which we intended to make from a recipe instead of a box mix or ready made dough. I am putting myself out in big ways this year to show I care and I planned on going “old school” though I used the internet to find a recipe. I totally screwed that up though because the recipe I sent to my phone never arrived and so we picked our recipes while standing in the isle at the grocery store; the two of us scanning packaging for anything that sounded both edible and easy.  Sapphire chose Reese’s Chewy Chocolate Cookies which are made with Reese’s Peanut butter chips. I picked up a package of Heath Bar Chips so we could add a little English candy bar to the equation; keeping in mind that I am, of course, a BRILLIANT baker, practiced as of today. I chose Oatmeal Scotchies for the second cookie recipe because it is an all time favorite of mine; nostalgic in memories. I used to eat them when I was locked up. The juveniles were fed after the adult prisoners in Thurston Country, but every now and then the cookies came in still fresh like they had just come out of the oven. I would nibble on mine like a mouse because I wanted it to last as long as a dozen. We were only ever given one cookie. 


 I drove home grinning because the cookies were going to be amazing. I was SNOW happy, as in, “Oh my goodness it’s snowing!!!!” The scene was set for a night that would be perfect and cookies that were…


“Don’t you need to add something to make it wet?” Sapphire asked as we tried to figure out what we were doing wrong.


 I scanned the ingredients again before answering, “It doesn’t call for water or anything.” I reached for the almond milk completely perplexed, “It definitely needs something to make it dough instead of powder. Did we add the eggs?” 


Sapphire nodded as I started to pour, “Well, shoot. Let’s just add almond milk until I get it to mix.” 


The concoction quickly gained the consistency of a cupcake batter as I haphazardly added milk though it wasn't called for anywhere in the recipe. I added peanut butter chips until it became chunky. I ladled it out on the slightly greased cookie sheet like I would pancakes; each pile resembling soup. It wasn’t until I closed the door to the oven committing fully to the first batch that I remembered the butter. “Oh man!!! We forgot the butter!! I bet you the butter was what we needed to wet the other ingredients. Oh well f*ck it. Let’s see what happens.” 


Sapphire was scoffing at me when I finally gave up, dropping her off at her dad’s completely cookie less after my more than newfangled attempt at domestication. “Sherry makes the BEST cookies!!” she giggled as she hopped out of the car (Sherry is her dad’s new girl friend).


“Get out of my car!!! No cookies for you!! You get nothing for Christmas, I tell you Nothing!!!!!!” 


My daughter was laughing as she raced in the house. 


I drove away knowing that this will be a new tradition. I am calling our cookies “ARE YOU BAKED?? Christmas cookies because you just might need to be stoned before they are edible. It is 10:24pm and my kitchen looks like a bomb exploded in it. I have not gotten to the Oatmeal scotchies but I did finish the “Reese’s Chewy Chocolate Cookies”


They are not very chewy….

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Posted on Dec 19, 2012 at 11:37 PM

Dear AMBER.... (Amber is the color of your Energy, you know?) 


Needn't worry about the "chewy consistency" of your cookies... (or lack there of in your case I understand.. LOL) 


It's all about the "TIME"... 


"A Mother who does something FOR her child she is NOT good at, is far greater than a Mother who makes a sacrifice which cost her nothing." *** / 12.20.2012


Next time, just put some EX-LAX in the batch.. and send your daughter off with them! ;)


Pretty young lady.... 


Quit being so afraid to show the REAL YOU.... 


I find a dog bears down much harder.. when he doesn't know who feeds him.. 




This is the first blog you've ever written that hit my heart.... ;)





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